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2012-08-25 - 1:09 a.m.

I am not sure why when I go to this site my McAfee indicates I am connected to another network and my security could be compromised. Strange as this site used to work with a firewall, but for some reason it only works when there is not a firewall on my PC from my home computer.

Annoying, however I can't see why anyone would find it interesting to hack my diaryland site. Really- this is theraputic rambling and not that interesting.

Today was a good day overall, however again a TIRED one. The past few days I have been excessively tired so I look forward to one of those crazy long sleep periods to hopefully finally feel rested. Even with my medicine I had serious trouble all weekk with sleepiness. Today I had a cup of coffee at 4pm and could finally stay awake to get work done I intended to get done earlier but was too groggy to do. I finally hit flow then lost track of time while working.

It happens sometimes. Yes annoying, but I have learned to be gentle with myself as doing the best I can.

The amusing part of today was the cute, now single attorney had a few ladies stop by his office that I never saw before- and it cracked me up as I heard when one left she said something like "Well, Think about it-or you can be home all alone..." or some such thing, which clearly indicated she was extending an invite that he declined.

Cracked me up as the dude was JUST separated! I mean , come on now ladies-- don't be so lacking in respect!

As I left for work I noted the Zinnia and Cosmos overgrown into the walkway, and also blocking the door to the adorable little library on the other side of the flower garden. So I snapped them off to clean it up a bit and then had the thought I would give them to my co-worker in sympathy and to brighten up his very drab austere office.

I got to work and then realized that it was going to be a little awkward to do so, as I wasn't sure if he wanted it to be overt or overheard by our other crew members that he was just jilted by his wife- so wanted to wait for the opportune moment.

After the random fans came by to chat with him and he had alot of traffic it seemed less awkward to me, so when he was heard by me packing up and leaving I figure that was a good time and I then gave him the flowers telling him I had cut them to clear the path and thought of him as flowers are always cheery. I also mentioned there is nothing like grabbing a shovel and digging in the dirt to let off some steam and anger.

They were well received I think, and I actually think that was THE BEST idea I had in particular as I know men rather well and if there was the thought I am coming onto him by giving him flowers he will be freaked out and then be sure to NOT talk to me at all! HA HA That in fact will be a GOOD THING since he is awfully cute !

Seriously, I don't want the complication of even feeling any attraction to this guy! Bad enough that I don't actively feel much attraction at all to the men I have dated- but worse if I feel attraction to someone NOT AVAILABLE or NOT READY to really jump into a relationship.

That just tells me I truly have some SERIOUS fear of commitment issues.

In talking about it a bit recently with Pocohontas, and Katerina and Soren and a couple friends who ALL ask why I don't just take a leap and commit and only see Mc Gill; or why I don't just marry him ( heard that from a few!)- I think I said that at this point I want desperately to be able to stand on my own two feet and be independent. As much as it is really wonderful to have his help- I think the fact he will do anything for me makes me frankly WARY of being too serious as I want to be sure I am not choosing a commitment out of the basic instinct of feeling more secure with a man who is going to be a good provider.

I am VERY Resistant to a relationship as I think I am afraid of choosing a relaionship for the wrong reasons.

So I am careful to think:

So why would I want to get more serious with McGill than the attny?

Is it because of the quality of the relationship, or is it because when I needed to settle a lawyer bill McGill was quick to give me a loan?

Then there is the fact I have a payment I SHOULD Make back on that loan each month but only seldom can actually afford to do so. He acts like anything he gives me is a gift- and that may be my pride that insists on calling his help a loan, or it might be absolute fear as the last man who, for example, bought me a car outright before we were committed seriously- but were just dating- did in fact woo me with the outpouring of love expressed in things, and that makes me afraid to trust when a man does the same things in a similar manner of wanting to take care of MY responsibilities for me.

I have this wish to be honest that I had more time for ME.After time with the kids I just want to sleep alot and then on the weekend wish I had more time to clean my house and get more organized.I don't WANT anyone with me when I do those things. I enjoy dating, but I really don't want anyone encroaching on my space. Not being able to drive for a while, and the girls doing better at being on time if someone else drove made it helpful that McGill offered to drive after my sitter I hired for that last year didn't pan out. But the thing is, that driving really made the girls very close with McGill- so now THEY think of him as part of the family.

So McGill is loved by us all.

Yet come weekends I really just long to be alone.

So that is my challenge- that nice friends- both men and women come into my life, but I have such a need for sleep and time alone that its hard to be able to give enough into my friendships or relationships to others that I think they deserve.

Heck as I said to the attorney when I became friends with him "I have so much going on and have no interest in commitment and in fact a outright FEAR of it at this point that I think anyone would have to be crazy to be interested in me"

He simulated a twitch then, which was very funny in the moment.

But I am still there a good year or more later after having dated him, and then McGill.

It really doesn't matter how terriffic the guy is-
I just choose to be single right now and protect my time alone and time with friends once in w while too.

I suppose I am thinking of this now as I keep hearing from those in my world ( Pocohontas, Katerina etc) that I can't keep dating more than one man. I think, "Why the heck not? If one doesn't have the goal of marriage or commitment they SHOULD Be dating more than one person if dating. They NEED to do that to PREVENT falling into a de facto commitment, and they should communicate and ONLY date those who are OK with a casual dating relationship that don't want more and won't encroach on your freedom and space you need at that time."

I thought about it, and what it comes down to is this: If I were to get dumped by EVERY ONE of my dates at this point, would I feel really upset and hurt?

To be honest-NO.
I think if every one of the men I date just dropped out of my life tomorrow I wouldn't be any worse for the wear.

I in fact would EMBRACE the quiet time alone without the feeling of pressure to spend time with them and give in the relationship.

I would love the time to actually BE ALONE and nurture myself.

I told each of them before seeing them where I was at , and that I am extremely self focused right now. Yes it is selfish. Yes I am self absorbed at times (like when working and I lose track of time and am late). Yes I have a refusal to get too close and maintain that distance that gives me a feeling of safety.

That is in fact what it comes down to. I don't feel like it is SAFE to invest myself in a relationship where I don't interact with many other people.
I was in that kind of isolation where abuse happened before and I will not allow myself to ever be in a situation where it is a possibility.

So I am not sure I can ever really allow myself to be that vulnerable again.

To be in love one must surrender. I just haven't healed enough to do that.

The good news is that while I don't know if I ever WILL heal enough to do that-- that is OK! I am very happy with the relationships I have,and the friends I spend time with value our time together. I know that McGill tells me all the time how happy I make him and my attorney gentleman friend says that I am very good for him.

That being the case, I don't think either are disappointed I don't offer more, and in fact they might not WANT more either in life- now or later, but are both happy with what we have.

That being said, I think there is no issue at all dating two men, or more. In fact last Thanksgiving BOTH the men I was seeing celebrated Thanksgiving with my friends and family and we all had a lovely time.

It is interesting to me however how many are pushing me to be serious and only see McGill.

I think this topic is on my mind as when my van was totaled due to an accident, I didn't have a dime extra that month to even pay bus fare. Not only did McGill help with that, but he actually bought me a new van.

I really would have preferred to NOT accept such a gift.But then again, what was I going to do? We had a week of the girls going to summer camps they were all enrolled in which were paid for and I had to get them there, not to mention school coming up.

Interesting. The Ex Boyfriend who was the last person I was serious and committed with who DID make me feel upset with that broken heart when our relationship ended years ago , was resentful when he had helped me with a loan to buy the Sienna I just totaled in a car accident. So it was his feeling of obligation that he was expected to help me ( that he put on himself as I did not expect or WANT that), and then resentment at doing so I think as he felt like he was then acting committed and it made HIS fear of commitment issues kick in- which was the end of our relationship.

Ironic that now I am the one with the fear of commitment issues and that Mc Gill buying me a van would have me wary of being serious as I don't want to become serious with him just due to the financial help he gives.

Enough musing of this. I am off to bed after having watched most of Hamlet with Soren and Katerina tonight until Katerina fell asleep and Soren said "Let's watch the rest tomorrow."

I am up too late , but as they leave on Sunday I wanted to enjoy their company and do somethign with them tonight- especially as I have a Master Gardener volunteer event for part of tomorrow.

It was cool that the little girls watched Hamlet during the week and were actually into it!
Katie in particular seemed to really be into it and was following the story well so Soren reported.

Soren is playing Hamlet this Fall so he had alot of study to do to learn the lines.

Can't wait for that show!

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