2013-02-08 - 11:12 p.m.

I Have a friend telling me that there are some speech to text software that is ostensibly 99% accurate out of the box called Dragon Naturally Speaking. So perhaps I was too hard on speech to text software and it doesn't ALL Suck- just that which is loaded onto the Samsung Tablet I didn't want that I was given.

Guys just kill me. I was complaining about how much I hate this tablet and read the last entry to him which I thought was hilarious and now my friend is reading specs of the GOOD software.

The male mind definately works differently than a woman's.

I asked if he could hear my typing and he said yes.

That means no journaling to tune out boring specs...

will take note for future.

I just feel a bit cranky today. I suppose I am allowed since it is honestly so rarely I am in an cranky mood.

I woke up cheerful but then the mood kinda went downhill. I should be in bed, but decided to come and write a bit instead and first enjoyed some You Tube vidoes of my son's school's preformances.

There is a particularlly moving dance piece the Dance Majors did to the tune of "Four Women" by Nina Simone which is so beautiful it could make one cry. When in an already somewhat almost weepy mood I like to watch that, or some other sappy tear jearker to match the mood and let it out.

Reality is I am NOT a crier and sometimes wish I were.

At least not much of a crier.

This AM I was sad by a response I got to a question and my man said "Oh now don't give me that pouty face" and then came and sat next to me, hugged me and put my head on his shoulder. It was sweet, but I still wished I COULD have just burst into tears. I can't even when it would likely be good for me to do so.

I mean it might be GOOD to be able to burst into tears when realizing that YES Lithium DOES help me as YES if I go off it ( as I am now for reasons I will later get into) I see the dramatic difference, but that to stay on it means I have this pain that gets sharp and persistent in my lower right back area where the kidney happens to be. ( ** THis is so odd, I was just editing the above and had to correct what I inially wrote as LIVER when I meant to write KIDNEY! That is one example of things that happen with greater frequency when off the lithium. I work too fast and the wrong thing comes out and I make seemingly careless mistakes. I saw seemingly as it is not due to lack of CARE but due to an impaired capability in the moment! It is like the brain misfires and just doesn't work correctly with the wrong synaptic connections being made and a misfire of sorts. Now imagine if I meant to write LIABILITY but wrote INDEMNITY in a contract and you can see why that occurance just now is terrifying to me!)

Now when taking Lithium one has to check levels to be sure they are OK for both watching for toxicity and how lithium affects kidney funcioning. Well as my life coach LAUGhed when I told him my dose and then said "Thats a baby dose!" (really!) and as I am VERY sensitive to medication and small doses of anythign needed work for me- I KNOW I needn't ever worry about my dose hitting levels of toxicity.

But the scary thing is that I have been ALSO having pain in the LEFT side , again near that kidney.

After multiple kidney infections where I was hospitalized and very ill when young (age 6, then 20) with terrifying experiences for those around me while I was literally septic and the infection spreading-- I know I can't take risks with my kidneys.

My mother tells me she will never forget when I was in the hospital and she came in to see six doctors convening over me disussing what to try as my infection was spreading and termperature not being held stable. She said they all literally thought I was dying and then something worked. Some medication kicked it when others had failed. The kidney function returned- not to normal, but returned.

I have always had this high protein in urine thing as a result of some kidney functioning issues of not metabolizing normal since then.

So I suppose I am lucky I was a non- drinker until after my 2nd marriage as now I note if I have two glasses of wine I have wicked kidney pain. I therefore cut back and almost never have more than one, that is unless I FORGET. If I forget I feel that pain, so I then decide not to have any alcohol and don't drink it for long periods then somehow I just forget and have a glass of wine again on a few occassions... until after a bit I feel that darn pain in the kidneys again. OF late it has been both sides and not only the one on the right side which is the one that started to hurt first.

SO I was very sad when I asked my gentleman friend to let me know if HE saw a difference from when I stopped taking the Lithium and now.

And so he gently told me YES and what he saw in our interpersonal relationship.

So yes, it was making me feel like I was about to cry. But yet I DIDN't CRY which is almost even more distressing and upsetting to me.

I hate that repressed emotion crap which is so ingrained it is hard to overcome. Its literally one of the fallouts of abuse of ones feelings and emotions NOT BEING ACCEPTABLE that is the hardest to overcome and change.

I hate it.
First there is the flatline indifference after having shut off feelings, but then when the coldness and frozenness start to thaw the feelings are there but it is as if they are trapped under the remaining ice of winter and can't quite break free.

I imagine if there is every a surge of pressure they then could burst forth like a gyser.

I wonder if that is why my ex-husband is so voliltie- years of supression which were more intense and longer in duration during his abusive childhood so that when he does break free with emotion it is an explosion.

My back is just SO SORE and tense now.

I was upset not only because of the response to the question I posed, but because I posed the question as even I can see the difference at work.

My Psychiatrist once asked how the medication shift was working after taking me off ADHD stimulants which were inducing paranoia ( and then STILL Being left with the paranoia but not as bad!), " How are you? I am worried about your job."

She was concerned that I was going to get fired if there was not the right solution found soon.

She did well I believe in finding the right medication to help me.

And now I feel kidney pain from it.

The trouble is when I talked to her about it, she listened, but then only handed me a presciption for lithium levels to be checked.

I know those will be fine.

It is not a matter of the levels being at a risk that is the issue. I can tell it is a matter of how MY kidneys can tolerate (or not) levels which would NOT be of concern for most people.

So I HAVE to make another Dr. Appt with my primary physician.

The thing is without medication that could happen... next month... next year... who knows... I have trouble with the follow through of the things I WANT to do for myself. Much easier at work as I have such a good organizational system there, but not so at home personally for me.

I should be happily writing now.

Tommorrow I have an audition.

YES an audition for a show.

I WAS VERY EXCITED about this however after being first super excited and then super busy at work ( I had three RFPs this week to complete legal review of) , now I am just DRAINED and not in the mood to do that kind of writing. I feel like I need to VENT first.
I got bummed and now am just going to go to bed and give up on the creative writing and preparing a piece until morning as my back is in pain in knotts. I just took and advil and that will hopefully work. I have upper back tension pain, and now lower back pain too likely from sitting all day, and the scary worry that I am faced with the choice of taking medication and being VERY GOOD at my job but possibly destroying my kidneys in the process and cutting years off my life OR
Not taking medication and STILL Being decent in my job, but with an increase of careless errors ,increased verbosity and manic tendencys toward hyper speech, impuslive actions and overly enthuiastic urges to fix all the problems I see right then and there in some brilliant manner that only I see so I MUST SHARE It with whomever has the actual power to pay attention and implement the absolutely fantastic brillant idea that NO ONE ELSE COULD POSSIBLY COME UP WITH!!

Yes that is the world of mania.

Only I could come up with, just as an example.... the plan to replace all the toilet paper in our facilities with a super duper one made solely of recycled materials that glow in the dark so you neednt pay electricity to light the bathrooms, so YES you will be good to the environment and save money AND GET THE The toilet paper is biodegradable into this NATURAL substance which EATS toxic smelling bacteria so it cleans the pipes and prevents clogs and every time you flush emits a burst of wonderful air freshener!!

IT is SO FANTASIC I MUST SEND AN E-MAIL WITH THIS PROPOSAL OFF TO THE FACILITILES MANAGER RIGHT NOW!!

Never mind I am a contract drafter with a contract due to an oil company in an hour.... I have to get THIS DONE and SAVE OUR ENVIRONMENT

OK, the reality is I am in REAL LIFE personally not THAT BAD and my bursts of enthusiasm ARE reality based even if overly exhuberant and enthusiastic about things that are not on my FRONT BURNER TO DO list just now, or on my list at all as the ideas are about things not in my job scope.

But it is a good example of how the manic mind works.

And YES I have a manic mind.

Not with the crazy delusions thankfully,
but yes with the overexhuberant energy bursting forth with ideas I feel must be shared JUST IN CASE THEY ARE DECENT AND UNIQUE AND MAY BE OF HELP, and not caring at all if they are crap and to be scrapped and laughed at one iota.

When manic I feel like I am stuck in a brainstorming bubble and my mind is just bursting forth with creativity.

I LOVED reading An Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison as she descibes these episodes so very well. I recall her talking of writing poetry that just burst forth, but later finding the scraps all over and realizing it was just terrible.

CHECK

Guilty as charged.
I have terrible "poetry" scrawled on things like the brown bad tucked under the bathroom sink about SOCKS, and the "Ode to Contract Management" scrawled on a pad at work in about 5 minutes flat that I sent as a farewell to our CFO when he resigned. (Hey he was an alma mater from my college in my college TOWN that he just LOVED and in fact was on the board of trustees of that college along with a classmate of mine who is now a lawyer and the youngest board member so I thought he would LIKE IT! THe poem honored that city in it and the need of leaving despite that love... as it started with the excitement of drafting a contract for my all time FAVORITE COFFEE SHOP in that city who just happened to order a service from MY Company which just happened to fall on MY Dest to draft!!)

I mean SPOT ON! The CFO of my company is an alum of my college and on the board with my old friend-- I mean I thought he would LOVE That poem.

But maybe I was just manic.

Maybe it was just weird and not really well received. Maybe my co-workers chucked behind my back after they read it and it made them wary of me.

Maybe those moments of creativity and inspiration are really nothing more than small delusions of grandeur.

But the thing is I have felt just WONDERFUL the past few weeks.

OF course!

I have been manic! My house is cleaned, my closets organized, and heck I even had a manic shopping spree which for me means I actually buy groceries AND throw caution to the wind. DAMN We are going to EAT WELL instead of only pancakes, rice and beans eggs an oatmeal for a few weeks and if that means I stop payment and don't pay my ex his $300 this month for his lawyer fees for defending and winning the defense against the case of him having been abusive and coercing me into signing a nuptial-- WELL THEN DAMN I will buy food an not pay that bill this month.

Living risky... see how dangerous I am living on the edge... that is REALLY MANIC.

I mean I even went to TARGET and **GASP** bought AIR FRESHENER!!

Those 89 cent solids ! I Am SURE They are not good for the environment!!

I jest, but seriously I WAS in manic mode when I felt just sick of living like we are poor for all these years when I HAVE a good job.

I just got sick of that reality of working to pay the lawyers who won the argument that there is NO EVIDENCE I WAS ABUSED AND FORCED INTO MY SITUATION.

So call me mentally ill and crazy if you will.

I think it quite remarkable this is the craziest I get and I HOPE this is the craziest I ever WILL GET.

ITs the paranoia that is the hardest part for me personally, but the overly talky and unrestrained lack of control that is the hardest professionally. The moments of getting so caught up in wanting to help someone solve a problem then diving in that I FORGET it is not my role--say just for example to tell a sales manager to engage a specific attorney to work a deal.

NO MATTER that attorney worked the contract they came to our team with a question and could help best--

IT WAS NOT MY ROLE OR MY JOB TO ENGAGE ANOTHER ATTORNEY

It didn't even OCCUR to me when I did that I was crossing a boundry in a big way! The attorney didn't mind, but my BOSS did ( as she was the one to work the deal and I was trying to HELP Her with it but didn't follow her instructions to just pull docs--- no I had to ANALYZE them and "Save the DAY!" so to speak by leading them to the well where the water they needed was sitting ....

CE la vie....

So in the past few weeks I see the professional mess ups that are so clearly AVOIDED by medication which tempers those impulsive moments of trying to be the super hero problem solver.

And I know that fundamentally the question of what is more important- my job or my health is SO SIMPLE.

My health of COURSE has to come first.

Trouble is, when I take my medicine the kidney pain may subside but I can't say I am really feeling healthy.

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