2013-10-21 - 7:33 a.m.

Katie told me she never said she wants to be a dancer and said she wants to be a visual artist. Whatever it is she wants to do, whatever talent she wishes to discover and develop, I think the biggest dissapointment I have in myself right now as a parent is the failure to develop a dedicated disciplined pursuit of a passion for each of my children.
I DON'T CARE WHAT JOB MY KIDS TAKE TO PAY BILLS TO SUPPORT LIFE CHOICES ;short of prostituting self of course as that would be upsetting. I so hope never to see a child of mine have to sell their soul to take a job to provide. I am sure most of those who prostitue selves are parents who have kids to feed- well at least most women who physically do willfully-bet they have mouths to feed. I wonder what motivates men and women who sell their souls to do unconsionable work. What is the moral compass supporting choices to say go to work for an amorale compan as an example for a company systematically raping land of resources such as done in Peru for mining? Seems those folks are not really motivated by desire to care for their young. I bet thse who started the large companies initially were motivated to provide for their children so it is a wonder where along an entity's path it collectively becomes corrupted to create companies such as Monastano that find it Ok to hurt others to turn a self interested profit?
I feel like many work for an amorale company as there is such a dissociation between individuals doing a specific job and the big picture. I think many don't ever think about or see the big picture so there are really good people blindly supporting such terribly greedy and downright collectively evil enterprises.
I don't care what my children become as long as they are first and foremost honorable and HAPPY. Kindness is up there too, Spiritual, and peaceful as well. I hope they all remain smart and always see the big picture when choosing work but moreso care about the va,ue of even the littlest of things that will never have a big return. I Hope they care about them anyway .

Now however I wish I could have had all six diligently persue the arts With focus on that of their choosing, along with studies so they could ,earn the power of disciplined effort and the resulting joy of creating. Kids will do this on their own to an extent, but I think our educational system hinders it in a way as there is so much to do so very little dedicated time to focus on finding a child's passion then giving space and time and resources for it to develop . I see a lack of resources for arts education and artistic development where I live and I feel starved for it.
I feel like my youngest four have been deprived of opportunity to discover and develop their selves. I try but have neither resources or time to help .
I don't have much time with them and hope it is enough. I fear their spirits being suffocated.

I am saddened my oldest tellsme she is an atheist, but not worried. Why? What is grounding her? I think it Is the spiritual I think it is God all Around her alive but not in what she saw of those in the church she went to where her abuser became more and more if a leader. Why is she whole and happy? Music ; beauty of her expression; poetry; being loved and loving as her voice was discovered, developed and not suffocated.
Many have to feel the spiritual work in their lives before they know God is there. That process starts with recognizing beauty of creation. When we create it is more obvious.
I think not allowing time for personal creation through the arts squelches one's soul and spiritual development. Nurturing if spirit is so essential. I WISH I had time and energy and money ti help my children learn to create beauty and feel the Spirit move them. I think that happens with dedicated self expression. For the child who's gift is writing-she is fine as she has her outlet of time to do that.I so wish I could get all the other areas covered as well as our schools here fall short.

Oh well; as parents we all do the best we can and it will have to be enough.

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