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2014-02-21 - 5:50 p.m.

I was reminded just now how I don't REALLY Want to have to get a job.

This dude's work came to my attention and I SO LOOK FORWARD to reading his book.

I do think however that I am very fortunate to have found my job fun. I think the secret is that ANYTHING Can be fun if you really enter into it and do the best you can, and oddly at the same exact time don't take it TOO Seriously!

There is a question that has been haunting me for weeks now. It was asked of me in the job interview for the one negotiation attorney positon that I DO WANT as I think it really would be wicked fun. That and the boss is from Colorado and his order of priority was NOT HAVING TO MOVE which made me immediately like him.

So he asked me "What is it YOU WANT"

I mean it was a simple question. I had a simple answer " To maintain my house"
he asked "The farm?"

"Oh no,I have been long gone from there. " ( I had talked of being on the family farm in the past fondly)

"Just a townhouse "

And he repeated "BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT ?"

HE KNEW there had to be more. I guess I felt a bit unprepared for the question as I really now just want to meet this goal of finally passing the BAR Exam and then being open to possibilities.

I mean YES I want to keep my house so I have a stable home life with my children here. That is really all I strive for. But the question haunts me as I wonder if I am yet over that hurdle of aspiring BEYOND the basic survival needs met.

I mean I didn't give him an answer. I am not typically one short of words or aspirations.

But really , the answer was that simple in the moment. I just want to have a stable home for my kids.

I wonder why I didn't say I want to be able to go hike in the mountains all over the place at least once a year. I want to be able to afford both the time and the tickets to hop on a train to see my son in every one of his performances. I want to be able to go hear my daughter sing and play violin and read poetry.

I want to write.

I want a job that has a home office in Colorado as its really one of the most beautiful places I have been and if I lived there, yeah I would never want to leave either. I want business trips to a beautiful place with people I really LIKE Working with.

I want to enjoy really good wine, chocolate and sex once in a while.

I want to pray in a spiritual community on occasion that I find uplifting.

I want my kids to all be very happy doing what they love.

I want to grow wonderful things that I then eat.

I want to be loved and sent flowers regularly and taken on romantic getaways- but don't want any commitment! ( HA HA)
There is a fantasy.... it doesn't really work well

But I do want to go to Paris one day on a Chocolatir's tour and see all those crazy perfectionists who create the finest chocolate in the world.

And I want to write about it, and perhaps look at the beautiful paintings I imagine my one daughter would make if she were with me on that trip.

I want to have a home filled with music and art and joy and laughter and good food .

I want peace.

There are basically a million ways I could have responded to that question other than how I did.

And for some reason the lingering dissatisfaction that was had of my answer "I just want to maintain my house"

is staying with me and I keep thinking about it.

I guess as in retrospect I feel like it revealed a basic vulnerability, a flaw perhaps- that I am on the lower tier of personal development and working merely on subsistance and survival. I want to not WORRY about the basics of life so that I have the freedom of enjoyment of all the OTHER things of life.

And I think that I am ALMOST there in a sense... but my response in that interview let me know I am NOT YET psychologically where I want to be.

For now however I want to pass this BAR EXAM.

I want to be an attorney.
I have always been a writer, and will always continue to be and in due time find a way to hone and develop that skill.

For now I want this actualization of becoming the attorney I did envision.

I want to use that tool of being an attorney in the best way I can.

I don't mind using it in a company doing something just FUN Which pays the bills in the interim. But my vision is that at some point I will be out of debt and then have this as a tool to achieve some good that perhaps is valuable and perhaps no one else in the moment can achieve- meet needs of someone in a way perhaps no one else can.

So there it is - I want to be SPECIAL and do something UNIQUELY MEANINGFUL.

Isn't that somehow what we all would like at some point? Or is that grandiosity? To aspire not to be just a cog in the machine but to really make a difference and have our work infused with value?

Maybe not all people think like that, but I think most are motivated and happiest when doing something they really see as important.

So I want to be important.
I want to make a positive difference. I am not grandiose, as I have said before that when young I used to aspire to BE GREAT but now would just love to WORK FOR SOMEONE GREAT.

But for now, I really do just basically want to pay my bills. I suppose it is FINE to be OK With just that for now. For that IS a priority when one has children to raise.

So yes, for now I just want a job to simply pay bills to provide this simple townhouse for my kids to come to where they can study and live, and read and relax and be themselves reading, and writing, and singing and painting and learning who it is THEY WANT TO BE in this world.

And for now that is enough.

I want to watch them unfold in to who they are meant to be and worry less about who I AM meant to be independent of them, and for now am really just simply motivated to get the best darn well paying attorney job I can in the short term, for the short term just to meet the ends of getting out of debt. I think of terms of five years or ten years AS THE SHORT TERM. I am a big picture thinker ...even when it comes to time. Only a couple more years before the divorce expenses are paid off. THEN I can be concerned with what it is I WANT.

So I don't think it is really that bad to be on the bottom rung of the hierarchy of needs STILL. I know I will climb out of that spot. I know I have made headway. I never see anything as other than a stepping stone on that path of leading toward goals yet somehow I also seem to always enjoy where I am in the moment as well. I don't think it a terrible thing to be content. But it is funny how that question plays over and over I suppose because my response SURPRISED ME.

I didn't expect to be contented by something so very simple- To have a stable quiet home. I mean when I was younger I aspired to somehow work to affect some great social change to save the world!( I exaggerate... but did feel my time had to be meaningfully spent). Somehow for now that is really just enough- to be home with kids. That is meaning enough, yet the question still lingers....and I wonder "What DO I WANT NEXT?"

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