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2014-04-25 - 10:36 p.m.

Reading up on this:

My first husband had (and presume has) absolutely beautiful skin. My oldest daughter also has lovely skin. The funny thing about it is that I think both of them have the clearest complexions ad I think they both just washed their faces with water only. I may recall this wrong, but I swear my Ex said he just rinsed with warm water and didn't use soap.

My mother also has always had lovely skin but for rosatia in older years, and then actual skin cancer which had to be removed. She however had the clearest complexion and only washed her face with simple Ivory soap and water her whole life.

So I was bothered a bit by my second husband's picking at his skin. If he had a blemish he just could not leave it alone. He also cant leave a loose tooth dangling in a kids mouth and is one of those who will yank it out. There was clearly a bit of obsessiveness about this behavior.

Katie inherited this trait and the obsessiveness of it became most clear when she yanked her own tooth out. She actually did that after Sadie lost her first tooth and received money from the tooth fairy. Katie was little- too little for a tooth to naturally fall out, and we were all just shocked when one day she yanked a perfectly fine tooth out so she too could put it under the pillow for the tooth fairy.

That was the first bizarre self injurious behavior she exhibited and it was startling as I realized then her response to PAIN must be markedly different from most people's. I wondered if she was desensitized?

Just the fact she could even DO THAT TO HERSELF made me wonder.

But currently her self injurious skin picking has become really terrible.

It just absolutely heartbreaking. I have been waiting just a few minutes after she goes into the bathroom and then gently saying "Katie come out now" - reminding her , "don't pick your skin- come on out" , and that has actually been helping as she has been very responsive to the intervention.

We have talked together about this. About a month ago when with me one weekend she agreed to try her best not to pick , and if she could refrain for the weekend she would get to pick out a new dress from the thrift store. That was very motivating for her.

I shared with her Dad that the thrift store shop is a great motivator and that she self regulates her own behavior in my house- giving herself the checks on her chart for -

refraining from cursing
refraining from skin picking
helping do dishes
sweeping the floor
folding laundry
Not hitting siblings
Going grocery shopping ( SHE LOVES TO DO THIS!)

The interesting thing is that I bought the behavior chart and I just hung it on the refrigerator. But in typical ADHD fashion I totally FORGOT ABOUT IT. I NEVER FOLLOWED THROUGH

But one day Katie just went over to it after a really good weekend and she gave herself checks for all she did. She had been excited to pick a recipe from her cookbook and then went to the store to get the ingredients. She then made lamb chops with a red onion sauce, baked potatoes, julienne carrots with cinnamon and honey, and fresh rolls from scratch with all sorts of wonderful grains ( some sesame, some poppy, some sunflower on top).

It was an AMAZING meal! Katie was so very proud of herself and that weekend she started using the behavior chart. She announced at the end of the weekend that she gave herself checks and then asked what number I thought she should need to earn the trip to the thrift store. She duggest

WHEW... just fell asleep mid sentence there! REALLY IS BED TIME...

but as I was writing, Katie asked if I thought 40 was a good number of checks for her to have to earn before earning

OK NOW DOZED AGAIN! In the dream state THOUGHT- 'before playing golf"

Funny Katie likes golf! She asked if earning 40 checks was enough before going to the thrift store! Maybe I can make a trip to play golf another incentive... Miniature golf is fun also.

Can't stay awake anymore. Its been a VERY LONG DAY!! I worried for Katie most of the day.

The flashback of memory of years ago when SOREN was receiving the wrath of his stepdad really hit me emotionally and it SOUNDED like my EX was possibly going to be equally irrational and rashly angry.

HE WAS NOT however never did not think to CALL ME in the morning to let me know he had changed his mind about brining Katie here to stay with me. IT would have been NICE for him to have called me earlier in the day.

I AM SO TIRED but want to write of this as it is so very important. Sadie said that Dad did spank Katie- but only one time but that she was saying he hit her on the back when he actually never did so!

I have a photo I TOOK of Katie in a sundress which had a lower back cut out exposed. I took it YEARS AGO When she was turned and facing the kitchen sink - as in that moment I wanted the PROOF that she had not been hit when in my care because that day the photo was taken Katie had SAID I HIT HER when I HAD NOT!

I recall the toddler time outs with her where I intentionally had the time out stool next to the big double door windows just so that if there was screaming from Katie of "Stop hitting me!" ( which was what she yelled whenever I put her in time out), that the neighbors could see she was not being hit.)

I am GLAD Katie was not smacked in the lower back this Thu night. I thought perhaps she had been.

The fact her Dad DOES YELL And get controlling and frustrated with her does not help as when she is upset and feels threatened

I swear there are subconscious flashbacks to when she was 18 months old and he WAS losing it and hitting her!

I forgot about the bizarre " STOP HITTING ME" she would scream whenever she was feeling threatened at all until this week.

Having not immediately recalled that as it has not happened in a while I REALLY WAS WORRIED for her. But I think that while Dad was yelling, it is the past that is haunting Katie. IT is HIS PAST ACTIONS-- but in a way it doesn't matter WHO the actor had been years ago--

It doesn't matter WHO IT IS in the here and now that she gets upset with and feels threatened by- In the HERE AND NOW it is HIS Yelling which is harmful to her and I wish he would figure out a way to use a different tactic. I also think it harmful to the OTHER girls as now they think it NORMAL and DEFEND IT. Katie's response is really the basic fight or flight instinct as she viscerally is afraid and using the simplest brain

SEE That strange phrase above-- FELL ASLEEP simplest brain?

OH yeah. now I know where that thought was going before the split second narcoleptic , I am up way too late doze...

Kerry reacts using the simplest PART OF HER BRAIN - ALL FRONTAL LOBE when she feels threatened in any way.

This results in her doing things like throwing a punch and then grabbing and trying to twist her sister's arm when in the back seat of the car when her sister happened to bump her in the tight quarters ( THAT did happen to poor Raitlin on the ride back from the Cherry Blossom Run recently).

Katis is so clearly suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

At least I think so-

Although it was years ago when her Dad lost it with her physically, those emotional scars are going to take a long time to heal.

Fortunately her rash violent response only happened ONCE outside of home that I know of. I feel horrible for the poor kid at school that SOMEHOW Katie must have felt threatened by. The bizarre experience of even the slightest thing being done to Katie that she then misinterprets as seriously threatening to her such that she reacts with EXTREME AGRESSION in response DID Happen in school.


TO bed finally.

This feels like it was the LONGEST DAY EVER! When Katie came over tonight it was the first time she would not come out of the bathroom when I gently reminded her. She said "I am going upstairs where I can lock the door" as I did open it (which I HAVE BEEN doing in the downstairs bathroom if she ignores. She is not typically defensive about that with me. Tonight however she went upstairs and did lock the bathroom door. I had NOT followed her to give her a few minutes of space, not wanting to be confrontational as she responded defensively and angrily and I DID NOT want to change the dynamic of what HAS BEEN WORKING For me. So I gave her space and commenced cleaning the kitchen. Usually I just remind her, say something or open the door if she has not responded and she comes right out and the picking stops. This time after done with the kitchen chores I went up to find her STILL in the bathroom. IT wasn't an ADD moment of FORGETTING about the issue for me- as I was talking with Sadie to get an account from HER Of what she thought happened with Katie and Dad. It was her account that was important as all I HEARD was the phone call. It was helpful to hear HER perspective. Mainly however I wanted her take on what Katie said in response to her Dad telling her she HAD TO EAT a tomatoe. Dad told me she said something like "IF you do I am going to stick my fingers down my throat and puke" As I said to him "We don't need THAT In the mix" But Sadie reported Katie DID NOT SAY THAT but she heard Katie say "If you make me eat that tomato I am going to puke" Sadie did not think Katie MEANT it as in a self imposed puking, but SHE THOUGHT Katie just meant it is SO DISGUSTING to her that she can't eat it without it making her puke. She thought Katie was being dramatic but had no thought or meaning other than the dramatic meaning of thinking something so gross to one that it would turn their stomach. I felt BETTER HEARING that account (which was the one main thing I wanted to talk to Sadie privately about to get her perspective on.) I wanted to know if we need to know watch Katie for body disphoria and possible problems related to THAT AS WELL! She is physically healthy but damn if anorexia popped up in the mix that would be tragic. I worry about that because OF Dad's issues with food. He seriously has some food issues and does insist the kids all eat EVERYTHING HE SAYS. Anorexia is reported to be more common in kids who have parents controlling with food and controlling in other manner (although there is definitely an organic brain element as to which kids are more likely to NOT RESPOND WELL TO that). It is the combination of that brain type apparently and also the environmental factor of parenting styles that can be thought of as contributors (along with society messages apparently as well about body), that are all considered as POSSIBLE factors in development of anorexia .Co-morbidity is often a factor. Katie is at risk of that as a potential problem to head off and watch, educate and do our best as parents to PREVENT. She then would not open the door at first. She completely ignored. Sadie was yelling at her to not be selfish as she wanted the bathroom. I re-directed her to mind her business and use MY BATHROOM as the yelling and badgering and calling Katie selfish clearly does not help her. I don't know recall what I said to her that resulted in her opening the door. I do know this extended being in the bathroom now for the first time make me worry she was doing SOMETHING other than skin picking right after dinner. I do know whatever I said was NOT threatening, attacking her, or anything that would make her recoil further. I do now I didn't count to three and say I would open it (which DOES WORK for Raitlin who often runs to my room and hides initially when she is trying to avoid something). I do know I was as GENTLE as possible. Katie came out and went right to her bed to curl up and get lost in the book she was reading. That was what she did this afternoon after greeting my family visiting. She went and read until cajoled to come join us for a little before dinner. She came down and interacted just lovely . I let her have her space first and no one minded that she needed to be alone. I figured she NEEDED that time to relax after the past day! BOY I UNDERSTOOD and I am an extrovert! So she only came down just before dinner. Dinner WAS lovely. We enjoyed listening to the all county chorus recording Sadie was proud of. OF course I also get it that Katie WOULD LIKE to be in that group and the fact two of her sisters were chosen but she was not has to be something hard for her. Even listening might have been a reminder to her of that as SHE IS highly competitive and singing is something she prides in herself. I don't KNOW THAT as she too seemed to enjoy the music. She was engaged in conversation and SEEMED HAPPY just then.
However it was apparent when I came upstairs to then realize she was STILL IN the bathroom upstairs that Katie was picking at her face and arms for that sustained period in a way I had not expected. She did not stop AT ALL it seems from the moment she finished dinner. It was heartbreaking to see her skin. I LATER talked to her and asked why she does that. She said she is getting out the dirt and pus and as she said "and I don't know what to call it but the hard stuff too" I told her that was likely dead packed skin cells. I told her that is not the way to clean her skin as it does not work to which she replied "Then what is the stuff on the mirror?" ( I have discussed with her that over the past few months I have had to clean mirrors every time she leaves due to her skin picking the past few months. I have told her How to clean them with vinegar and a rag and gave them to her and said SHE is to clean the mess up. I told her she can take on that chore and she has done a bit of that although I still clean MOST Of the house mirrors after she is with me!) I did explain that by opening up the skin with her fingernails even thought she DOES push that out- she is introducing MORE dirt and germs and that her skin is then damaged. I tried to gently explain that does not work well as it harms and scars her skin, but a warm bath with open the pours and she can gently was with soap and water or we can use a face mask once in a while as well will ALSO get that stuff out. I told her the pus is because she is picking and then develops infection- and that by picking she damages and has scarred her skin. It was just so terrible to see how inflamed and red her whole face was and see the new fresh cuts of nails on her arms and open sores. I never saw her pick to THIS EXTENT in the moment. I did see her really arms bad which resulted in an e-mail to her Dr. months ago (In the Fall) asking him to address the issue that I thought was disturbingly serious and needed attention one weekend. Her Dad then brought her in the very next Monday morning and her Psychiatrist gave her a round of antibiotics, a topical cream, and further adjusted her medication. She came back with three different medications but most were short term. She only came to me for dinner last night and gets picked up at 9:30 AM. I hope Dad can get her to the Dr. again soon as I just wonder if he REALLY IS PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO THIS. I also just can not leave her unattended when I know she is stressed. I can't do the dishes and NOT worry about it for a half hour. I didn't know she would pick NON STOP for at least that long. I didn't realize she would KEEP GOING without being ABLE TO STOP at all until someone intervened. This is clearly obsessive and she needs HELP not being yelled at about this. OCD can be treated. I have said this OVER AN OVER AGAIN- that it is REALLY HARD to watch someone live with OCD symptoms that are undiagnosed and untreated. What does it TAKE for someone to recognize a disorder?? Isn't freaking out because when stressed if the CANS are not lined up perfect with the labels all forward, or the TEA BOX put on the shelf in the right place ENOUGH? (Watch Fatal Attraction- then it was can labels, in my experience it was tea boxes but it is the SAME THING) Isn't self injurious behavior ENOUGH? Isn't INJURING OTHERS because YOU ARE TERRIFIED OF GERMS in a baby bottle that was left out for 45 minutes so that you lost all sensibility and turn violent on your WIFE and put your child at GREATER RISK OF HARM ENOUGH? YES THIS IS BEING DIRECTLY WRITTEN NOW TO ADDRESS WESTLEY as no matter what I have done to TRY To plead that this issue be at the very least be considered and looked at I HAVE NO IDEA if he ever did but it seems sure as hell that our daughter now has some SERIOUS OCD behaviors. There are MEDICATIONS FOR THAT in particular. She is not yet on any for that. She is on a mood disorder medication but that is clearly not helping this issue. I know it does work in helping her navigate life and not be a bear herself as boy can I TELL when she did not take it. ( She is actually violent in response to any stimuli and the medicine helps her have self control to take a breather and think before reacting. It was started after she did lose it at school unfortunately one day. I AM SO GRATEFUL her school was understanding of the one incident and she was not suspended! The poor boy who was older than her, and really a big boy was apparently scared of her as he should be frankly as ANYONE should be if someone is not in their right mind out of their fear and turns violent) Why the heck does it take years of hurting oneself and OTHERS before some will ever even consider the possibility of seeking evaluation for a possible disorder and consider treatment? What is up with the using of six damn washcloths to wash each part of the body? What is up with using all those travel soaps? I DON't REALLY KNOW what is in anyone else's head. I know only what I was told and observed. I know I had a fist to my head and I was pummeled on my left arm by blows AND I had a picture frame CRASHED OVER MY HEAD while I was nursing Sadie while in a rocker right after I called 911 WHERE THEY HEARD THAT AS THE PHONE HAD BEEN OFF THE HOOK NEXT TO ME when the picture frame came crashing down YES THAT WAS YEARS AGO YES our damn system "lost" the photo of Sadie's tummy with a hand print where she was struck a couple of years later, and a court never wanted to believe MY EXPERIENCES WERE REAL BUT YES THEY WERE REAL and that violence was due to an absolute fear of GERMS in a baby bottle. Dad was TERRIFFIED I was hurting his infant daughter. The slap to Sadie later was due to his not being in total control and having security he needs of ORDER AND CONTROL. That too is an OCD trait. That may make NO SENSE To anyone UNLESS They actually understand OCD. I remember reading the book LITTLE BEAUTIES by Kim Addozzino which just left me stunned as I suddenly got it. All you "Counselors" Out there- do your job please to the best of your ability. I presume the team of lawyers that kept careful notes as he was constantly litigious might still be on the case. That constant litigation and fixation on finding out my flaws and attacking ME IS ALSO OCD. Do you get it yet?? Look at the protracted litigation which I HOPE FINALLY ENDED. That gives me hope Katie's Dad IS much better! HE seems to have moved on in life and gotten over that obsession of trying to destroy me ( I THINK). I think he is making effort to co parent. I think he is feeling well frankly and I think it shows in involvement in community, school, church etc. I think that is all GREAT. But I don't think the real concerns for health of family should ever be overlooked or ignored. I don't want there to be an underlying HIDDEN issue that resurfaces. I have joked in the past that the only ones who read this are my Ex's lawyers which was apparent when my words were introduced over and over again in protracted litigation. IF any of those lawyers ever visit her again- ALL READ THIS WITH VIGOR. But did you PAY ATTENTION? DID YOU GET IT? Counselor of LAW The job DOES CARRY An ethical obligation TO ADVISE. It is NOT Beyond job responsibility , and in fact IS AN ETHICAL RESPONSBILITY to do so in EVERY MANNER POSSIBLE. Best to you all who have helped my family, and in particular my Ex husband- Katie's DAD in helping US ALL address these issues. I don't want to attack him. I never did. I feel like there have been MANY POSTIIVE CHANGES But if treatment of OCD is not one of them, along with addressing of family abuse in ALL ITS FORMS History will repeat itself. OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

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