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2014-04-28 - 9:18 a.m.

Letter from Bar Examiners arrived. I received a 128 and the passing score was 140 out of a 200 point scale.

I did receive a nice message from a former colleague who said to let her know if she can be a reference ever at the company she is now with.

That company just so happened to have a posting the next day so of course I did apply.

They say when God closes a door he opens a window.

I am entering the job search in the corporate world with vigor this time as I realize that while I would love a job to save the world , and while humanitarian work , or labor union work or something really standing up for values and principals would be so wonderful- those jobs that pay well enough to live here in one of the wealthiest counties in the US are far and few between.

I HAVE TO STAY HERE for my children.

Katie needs me most clearly now.

Thank GOD she is not cutting herself, but her picking IS SELF INJURIOUS BEHAVIOR.

If it does not get better with the Dr. here I assess $20K should be budgeted for just in case there is a need for serious in patient treatment.

She is not cutting, but digging at skin to the extent she did just Friday night is close enough, and there are a few programs for self injurious behavior that seem to have positive outcomes

At Sadie's Confirmation on Sunday it was terrible to see Katie's skin so torn up as she dug at it like she never has before, and it was also revealing to see a relative of hers with a face marred with scars. I don't know if severe acne scars without picking, but it did occur to me that maybe there is a genetic component to this behavior just like there is for so many others- OR perhaps it is just the environmental factors of the loud , yelling hot headed communication of the family that SOME respond to with stress that results in that behavior but others do not respond to in that manner for some other reason.

Interesting however that there are studies being done on that very question of whether self harm has a genetic component. Some believe it does-

If that information helps in finding ways to prevent, cure or treat this disorder that would be fantastic.

If not I don't care WHAT resulted in the behavior (as can't do anything about the past)- I just know that I want to do my best to help Katie overcome it AND HELP The whole family system increase their awareness that just perhaps there IS SOMETHING being done as far as dynamics of communication, or thwarting of a person's communication, that can be identified and maybe something can be done DIFFERENTLY to prevent this from being a concern not only for Katie- but our other children.

Sadie too has trouble with picking her skin. Her issue was apparent on her upper arms for years. She had a skin rash, some bacterial infection that caused little bumps on her skin that took FOREVER to go away. The Dr. said not much could be done about it but it goes away in time- trouble is Sadie picked and picked at that! It did get much better. She is challenged at not picking at her normal teen acne- but her picking of her acne is more the NORMAL TEEN BEHAVIOR (and sometimes adult behavior) of not being able to leave an existing pimple alone. That is understandable as sometimes there is actually PRESSURE in a pimple that really hurts and it does require a lance. ( Most often done by nails!) There are even devices you can buy in the drugstore for popping irritated pimples to provide such relief.

But this skin picking of Katie FAR EXCEEDS that normal behavior.

I just so hope her next Dr. Visit is helpful and hope I can help the situation.

I thought it might be a great idea to actually REMOVE all the mirrors in the house. Before I take that drastic step, I will try something else- I read that one method is to put tape on the floor with the pickers agreement that THEY Want to change the behavior , the person then NEVER STANDS beyond the tape on the floor in front of the sink so they never lean in close enough to be able to see all the skin pores on their face.

If one looks at self from a few feet away, skin looks just fine. But if ANYONE peers closely at their skin from an inch away from the mirror and analyses their pours then they WILL SEE all the natural build up of dirt , dry skin cells, every bump and openness of skin pours- along with what is in them! I mean ANYONE analyzing their complexion close up with then be more inclined to see what appear to be imperfections.

I think it is the perfectionist personality that ends up ironically skin picking and then scarred.

It seems to be the compulsive desire for perfection in the moment compelling wanting to get rid of all that impurity.

Hopefully some of the tactics read of can help Katie.

Now I am going to get up and take MY MEDICATION So I stop obsessing with worry over this!!

Then I am going to attack cleaning of the upstairs of my house. The downstairs was cleaned well on Friday but the upstairs is a huge mess of boxes and piles of clothes everywhere. We had an Easter Sunday dress crisis that resulted in absolute mayhem of destroying ANY ORDER upstairs!

All because Raitlin GREW!

Who knew that would happen such that with this whole pack of girls it would be a huge chore to find ONE DRESS that fit her?

I mean we have so many dresses in this house....

She had a few in her closet. I had movd some Spring dresses down from the attic for all the girls.

Turns out all the size 10 in her closet for her to pick from could not be zippered closed!

Of course the one she found that fit was ALEXY's! The battle began "SHE IS NOT WEARING MY DRESS!!!"

The indignant screaming, whining , carrying on like a 2 year old of Alexey.

Now if my girls were actually ALLOWED to have personal items elsewhere I might have just made the child get over her trama and deal with it. But since I REALLY think it important for my girls to have SOME uniqueness and clothing can be a manifestation of your expression- I am indulgent that way. I actually LET THEM have THEIR OWN clothes and try to teach them to RESPECT each others wishes and property.

I think that really important to learn. SO I ignored the tantrum and reacted just as I would have if there were not a tazmanian devil flying around the house in fury.

I calmly told Sadie that if it was reallyt important to Alexy that she NOT share the dress we would do our best to respect that and I would find another.

The funniest thing was that older sister Sadie was being judgmental and bossy toward trantuming Alexy. She was telling her to stop acting like a spoiled child, etc....

However when I pulled out a beautiful white dress and said "OH! THIS WOULD BE PERFECT This should fit Raitlin" as Sadie and I were in the attic rifling through bins- Sadie protested "That is MY FIRST COMMUNION DRESS!! She is NOT wearing that!"

I thought it was rather funny. I pointed out she sounded just like Raitlin, but we kept looing.

We had the worker line from attic to hall passing bins down.

We finally found a dress that fit which did not result in screaming sisters.

We actually made it to Easter Sunday Mass on time!

But boy the upstairs is just a mess of piles of clothes as Raitlin's method of finding ANYTHING consists of tossing every other item out to randomly land somewhere until she finds what she wants.
She has ALWAYS done this. Yes I could stop it if I was consistent in throwing out ever item left on the floor- but then this kid would have NO CLOTHES!

Today I will tackle MY MESS OF a room- with laundry piles up we didn't get away yet and my summer clothes to sort. I will attack the hall where there are piles of clothes and work on the girls rooms SOME ... while leaving some for them to do when they are here.

THEN I can use that tactic over the weekend- "We are cleaning today and anything left on the floor will be donated" but only AFTER I know there are basic essentials already put away !

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