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2014-04-30 - 12:01 p.m.

I wrote about what I am DOING today- but now just one more minute to actually address what compelled me to write.

It is the weirdest thing- I have an acquaintance that keeps a blog and I have no idea why- but when I read that person's writing it OFTEN MAKES ME CRY.

Now this is a GREAT thing as I really have a hard time crying .

I have a hard time letting out that vulnerability and it can be quite healing.

I noted a FB game of sorts as a few friends were posting things Mon morning that they have gratitude for.

They wrote Today I am thankful for...

I thought "That I Can Cry"

I just SO NEEDED TO. I had this overwhelming sadness at the trigger of the concerns my children are going through and I REALLY needed just one good cry to let it out.

ON Monday however I FELT like I was going to cry but never quite did.

Then I read this person's writing and the tears finally come...

Now understand not free flowing, not hearty, likely not like I WISH I could! I mean there are those who have trouble as the can't STOP crying. I have the problem of never even being able to really cry. When I do it is just a few tears... but never the real satisfying feeling I let it all out.

But at least in reading I was overcome with emotion, a chord was struck and SOME of the tears were released.

It may have been the words " I know I am not doing enough"

I think I cried at the sadness of the thought that this particular person does SO MUCH And the almost instantaneous kind of belief that the writer struggles with that problem so many have that whatever they do , they don't SEE JUST HOW WONDERFUL IT IS and somehow only see the deficiency. That saddened me.

I mean I think this writer was really just trying to express their intense desire and commitment to help others- but for some reason with this person, even in WRITING for goodness sake, we both kinda have a weird knack for hitting the core- I feel like seeing and hearing the unsaid and unspoken.

I cried as emotionally in the reading somehow I was open enough to express the sadness I have felt in the past few days that my children are struggling with. I cried because I also saw that same seeking of perfection and the writer's inability to ever feel really like what they have done is ENOUGH- that both saddens me and I get the quest to always be aware of what more can be done at the same time. I mean I know the person COGNITIVELY GETS IT, but I am also aware of their emotional struggle that likely will always be there.
Its a complex thing- the yearning the writer was trying to express in wanting to help others and yet of never thinking one has done enough, and I think I heard subtle hint of never thinking the writer IS GOOD ENOUGH.

That perfectionism motivates so much but is also so very self destructive so while I see and applaud and take joy in the accomplishments somehow I see through the veneer and see the hidden vulnerability of this person. I have no idea WHY I SENSE OR FEEL THAT so acutely.
Its like an emotional empathy radar , hyperawareness that is something that once in tune to one can not just shut off.

Its just this very weird at times intense UNDERSTANDING that had happened oddly at random moments of interaction when talking to this particular person.

Its so strange that in reading the person's blog I can be struck so strongly emotionally that I respond in letting out something deeply ignored IN ME ( like the cry that didn't come for days-) and that somehow I feel like I see through to the core of the writer's vulnerability as well without expecting to.

IN any case, it was unexpected but good for me to let that emotion out. Just funny as I was really just taking a quick break as I was getting tired after hours of focus on a Bar Exam application (which itself is intense!) I thought I was going to read a joyful blog to RELAX for a minute. THe person's writing intent is to celebrate and highlight moments of joy in life!

THAT didn't work! Ce la vie... I got out of the reading what I needed- not what the writer intended or expected!

Nap and tea and a 15 minute break then back to the BAR EXAM application.

Amazingly some states have applications that are MORE DETAILED than Virginia's! I did not think that possible! Even with the completed VA BAR EXAM application as a reference I have been pulling and compiling MORE information to get this next one done and mailed of by their deadline of tomorrow!

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