Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2014-05-11 - 12:32 p.m.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

I have a sore throat so am sort of sequestered in my room reading and relaxing and obsessively watching You Tube videos posted by my oldest daughter's college.

I am coming to terms with her withdrawal from college. It is temporary as she needed to do this for her health.

I don't like to write about other people's issues. She will be fine and intends to go back to school to complete her degree. Her scholarship is held for her and will be there for her upon her return. This is just a needed break.

Just sad for me as she had 5 weeks left in the semester but it was too soon to take incompletes even though she had three As and two Bs. She was LOVING her work and doing well until her health issues interfered with her ability to continue.

I am getting over the sadness that I felt at her not being well. It just breaks my heart a bit.

But I am trying NOT to obsess about this. I am trying to see WHY it affects me so. I mean that is understandable on one level for any mother to have such deep empathy and feel their children's pain so acutely. But at another level it is as if I live vicariously through my children who are actualizing my dreams and at a weird level I feel like I set out to try to actualize my MOTHER'S dreams that she could not attain.

I mean in a way my desire to become a lawyer was really the fulfillment of HER dream for HERSELF. She never projected that onto me. Its a funny thing- but I wanted so much to achieve that which she was denied at her time of making choices as she responsibly had chosen to take on the role of being the daughter who stayed home and cared for HER MOTHER. Then it was understood one child would do so. It fell on her for a while. She worked as a court clerk and earned money to help pay for the mortgage of the home she lived in - her mother's home , at the time.

So its a funny thing, this desire to do that which in the PAST girls were told they COULD NOT do. My mother never projected any expectation on me but I had an empathy for the pain she experienced in not having the support of following HER OWN dreams. It was an anomaly for a young woman to go to law school 60 years ago.

So I think for me I have been SO HAPPY at the pursuit of the arts of my two oldest children because that is really so much what I would so LOVE to do. The desire to help others is also there so it informed me in my choices.

But its a funny thing how so many make fear based choices.
I have joked about my fear of eating ramen noodles my whole life and how that made me NOT be brave enough to work as only a freelance writer. The irony of then being poor (or living LIKE I WAS POOR while wisely saving so now when unemployed I don't lose my home)! I really did live on a tight budget so now I am not forced to make fear based choices.

I am happy for that as I am now awaiting to hear if WV will allow me to take their BAR Exam. I look so forward to working for myself at work I think WILL BE both valuable and that I can be good at to help others while providing a comfortable space for my children and I.

And then I really do intend on having time to write.

It's been a long time since I wrote creatively.
I have stories and poems that were written when we lived in NY. When we were in Pittsford in the suburban community where there were neighbors next door who GLARED at my husband if he got over the top he really WAS tempered, our relationship really WAS better during that year, and I really WAS offered his support and love and ability to actually WRITE.

It was the little pocket of an oasis in our years together.

Funny how just living in a closer community where someone else made their presence and awareness known REALLY had a positive affect on diminishing abuse.( I am so grateful of the fireman across the street who would come out on his porch arms crossed in front of him in a strong stance and just WATCH if my hubby started to yell. )

I am so grateful my children know to say "I will call 911 if you hit me."

I am so grateful they do not have fear of speaking up.

I never had fear of speaking up. It is just that if isolated no one can hear you.

I had a lovely morning yesterday volunteering with another master gardener at a community event. She was fascinating as she was an MD, now PhD who early in her career worked in relief work in Africa. We had a great chat about that. She agreed the movie I used to love but which disturbed me in the narcissism of the characters and in a way lack of realism simply as the relief worker HAD KIDS HERE , was both a good movie and depicted a weird selfishness as truly the only ones doing relief work ARE YOUNG AND SINGLE and fresh out of school.

I listened to her stories of her work there.

Then I listened to her stories of running a safe haven for medical care for women fleeing abuse in California. She said she worked at a stich and set forth on the next step clinic (where she never knew the names of the women she helped exit their domestic war zones) and that it is remarkable how so many refuse to believe the reality of the ugliness of abuse. I was told of such underground options but again I could not go there as I knew I could otherwise get away and survive the end of our domestic war. Some are not so lucky however, and it is the time of leaving which is the most dangerous for women.
She said the problem is others think it somehow CONTAGIOUS , meaning they do not want to associate or HELP victims as it somehow can rub off on them.

There is the DENIAL to protect themselves of the discomfort.

She asked if I am worried for my children who live with their father.

She understood as I said "NO, Because they will never be blindsided. They KNOW what abuse is and KNOW how to seek help and although it is sad for kids to ever even have to learn these skills they KNOW how to prevent it by making it clear they will speak up."

She said it is not bad for kids to have to learn those skills as it is the world we live in.

If they don't speak up , no one else can. I can't even effectively do so! The system, our communities, THEIR LAW GUARDIAN and our courts wouldn't listen and Believe ME!

Only the children themselves can be sure that if anything were ever to occur that it is THEIR VOICES that must be articulate and have the chance of being heard.

I know that is why I write.
To encourage ALL to keep their voices from being muted and muffled; to be sure all know that only if their voices are heard can they then be safe from harm.

That is why I write in this forum.

But its time for me now to focus on the goals I have professionally. Those however are merely TOOLS to provide the basic needs. I so look forward to overcoming this hurdle of the Bar Exam so I can practice Immigration Law to help others and THEN have time to work on my OTHER PASSION- Writing.

I want to get through this phase of the next few years in which I envision shaping my professional career- my own office, my work for others, and then carving out time for creativity, imagination and innovation.

Today I got my fix of enjoying the wonder of creativity of my daughter's small, vibrant liberal arts community.

Now I am ready to enjoy the Sunday paper and another cup of coffee, while giving my one daughter some help as she is cleaning all my shoes for a Mother's Day gift. I bought a shoe care kit and she is fascinated by the polish and brush. Its novel so it is fun for her. Today I will enjoy her gift and get my closet in order.

Today I am enjoying that she is now vacuuming up a broken light bulb. I am enjoying the fact I calmed big sister down from yelling at her for catapulting down the stair railing and spinning into the lamp with the now broken lightbulb.
Today I am celebrating that as a Mother I get the opportunity to say
"Please don't yell at her. Try a re-do-

Please try to feel some empathy as the first response and not yell and judge. Let's just ask her ' Are you OK?' and express 'I am sorry you fell, I hope you did not hurt yourself' "

I am celebrating today my ability to mother- to teach and shape my children by showing that YES you can teach responsibility and accountability and conseqences. YES My youngest just now is vacuuming up the broken glass.

I taught by saying " I am not cleaning it up" to the older sister. I taught by saying " She can do that as capably as you or I and she will in time. Don't yell at her - let her have time to be responsible and clean her mess"

OK so I had to take a break to go give the same reminder.

I am at least greatful for the time to show a different way.

Yelling and coercion may get results but it is not the only way and I am convinced there are better ways.

Anger needn't be perpetuated.

It takes time, but those lessons can be taught

As the Dali Lama is attributed to having said
"Love is lack of judgment."

That is a lesson I am trying REALLY HARD To teach in my home.

Today we will just relax, watch movies and take a trip to the library and church. I will be the referee at time, the coach and offer guidance and mentoring.

Its a typical day at home.

I am blessed to hear sweet singing of my daughters who stopped fighting and now are playing the song from the Hobbit (Misty Mountain?), pausing it , writing down the lyrics and all learning the song as they sing along. If I am lucky they will turn to a guitar , or the organ or the violin or clarinets around and play around to figure out some accompanying music.

This is one of the things I most enjoy as a mother-

Setting up an environment rich with materials, inspiration and the FREEDOM for my children to experiment and be who they can be. Some love to sing, one loves to pull out clay and paint, and one is obsessed with "fandom" and writing stories. One plays baseball with the boys and its remarkable when watching her hit a home run in a game. (She aspires to get on the high school team next year.)

When the materials and environment and FREEDOM is allowed, kids then thrive.

I then get to kick back, stay out of the way as much as possible and see what happens.

It is such a joy to watch my children in their process of discovering then what their gifts are and becoming who they are meant to be.

One of the most important jobs as a parent is to not get in the way and thwart each individual child's growth by proscribing expectations upon a child of who A PARENT wants the child to be, and to be sure to not allow OTHERS (like siblings! Or Teachers! etc) to ALSO thwart an individual child's growth and belief of self along the way.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!