2014-08-18 - 12:16 p.m.
Its an interesting thing that I believe men are far more sensitive than many women understand.
My car was dead. That is nothing new, as it has been off road for months and due to sitting the battery loses its power.
I am so used to having a dead car lying in wait for the time it is ripe to put on the road. After finally giving up hope on the Volvo being revived, I ditched that one, only to shortly thereafter have the Mazda I was driving ALSO have the frustrating problem of the emissions system being unable to be fixed in order to pass the VA emissions inspection.
My tags expired in 2012 I think! Yah its been a while. Since then I dumped about $3000 into the car, doing work on emissions here and there (perhaps a bit more than that) THINKING it was able to be fixed: first at my local mechanic, then at a dealer. I had no problem TRYING to dix it as in VA there is an EMISSIONS WAIVER that even if you do work in an attempt to get the car good with the emissions reqirement and it does NOT work you can then get a waiver at some point to register the thing. The waiver is available after a certain amount spent and with an estimate indicating the value of the car is not worth fixing based on the cost of repair . The waiver is then good for TWO YEARS so technically, with a mechanic who tries and can't fix emission- you CAN register the car for two more years.
So dumping some money and trying seemed worth in.
EXCEPT I missed the part about the requirement that it be a VA CERTIFIED SHOP that is registered with VA DMV as an official approved emissions shop. OF course that would ALSO require the shop BE IN THE STATE OF VA.
The closest MAZDA dealer that did the last round of work (which looked like it worked as there were no blinking lights on the dash- but then the computer could never again get a reading on the diagnostic computer system EVEN after hundreds of miles of driving to try to get one!), WAS IN FREDRICK , MD!
I was so proud that I actually BIKED all the way there (a 37 mile route I believe as I took the scenic route, across White's Ferry in Leesburg into MD then a fun ride along the rustic Trail where I saw only one other lone soul. It was MARVELOUS)- Yea the dealership about 25-30 miles away (car drive time) in Fredrick was closer than the next closest I found in Chantilly or Warrenton area.
DUH That was one dumb fiscal mistake!
So anyway, the now dead Mazda has been sitting as it was cheaper to take it off the road (after the fiasco attempts to repair) and HOLD ONTO It because If I pass the WV BAR and open an office THERE the car WILL BE LEGAL IN WV! It will then become my business vehicle as if I pass the bar exam the first thing I will do is sell the car to my newly incorporated Professional Corporation just across the border in WV (25 miles west of me).
So my goal for THIS Weekend was to get help with getting my van jumped so I could MOVE it as there are pavers re-working my street today.
Boyfriend couldn't find his jumper cables when he came over to help me near the end of last week. ( I didn't want to leave this to the last moment). I think that was Wed or Thu night of last week. I said "AS long as I get it done by MON AM I will be fine."
If I had NOT moved it by this AM it would have been towed!
So over the weekend I was delighted to get a call from Henry and June who asked if they could come swimming. I love that they call and invite any interested kids and me to go to my neighborhood pool whenever they feel like it. It is great for me as it motivates the girls to get out of the house and they ALWAYS play with friends there. They get soccer games going on the adjacent playground after playing in the pool. If June is watching another friend's kid (which she will sometimes do), she will call me and ask for the girl around the same age. So it was nice yesterday for the youngest here, Alexy, to have a playmate for the afternoon ( a little girl she has met a few times that June was watching.) In typical Henry and June fashion, June calls me and asks if she can invite Alexy to the pool, she gets on phone to ask Alexy if she wants to go, and then shortly thereafter my door rings and it is Henry and the little playmate girl here to pick up Alexy. Now I have known them BOTH for so long, and the girls love Henry too- so they are going to head to the pool where June will join them shortly. She was basically getting everyone out of the house so she could CLEAN IT in herself and get her chores done so got us all on board with the pool idea so we could entertain her other friends kid and she could get that work done. She is rather amazing like that I think! IT ended up being great for me as when Henry showed up I HAPPENED to be on the phone with my boyfriend who said "JUMPER CABLES" -
The trouble was that the car did not start. We tried a few times, Henry commented that I needed to use the battery charger as this battery was really dead and he said he would call June and tell her to bring it when she came to meet us at the pool shortly.
So off the little one (Alexy) went with the little playmate and Henry to the pool. A while later, after Raitlin and I finished watching the movie we had been in the middle of , Raitlin, Sadie and I also walked up to the pool to join them. It was just fun hanging out at the pool all afternoon.
When Henry and June left, they Said they were going to drop the battery charger off on my porch.
So we enjoyed the pool until around 6pm and when I came home the charger was not on the porch.
I called first of all to be sure it wasn't left there and disappeared! That was my first fear!
I called and spoke with Henry who told me June brought the wrong one. He said they were going out to a concert and might be back late. I told him I would call boyfriend and ask him to come out so he could drive me to their place to get the charger later.
Henry said "It might be late"
NOW that sounded like an impractical suggestion to me. I didn't think at the time it was that odd however.
So I called boyfriend and asked if he could come over to take me for a ride over to Henry and June's later tonight to pick up the charger as June had brought the wrong one apparently.
He was kind enough to do so, and arrived around 8:30 or 9pm or so as the girls and I were ending watching a SUPERMAN movie.
So I get the girls off to bed, and they knew we were going to swing by Henry and Junes just to get the charger and then come back. They all settle but Raitlin who was enjoying telling Boyfriend of some music she liked which he would find on his phone for her to listen to (which consisted mostly of QUEEN songs - a fact I find funny as Katerina and Soren also discovered Queen when teens and thought that was the best music ever! I love when kids "introduce" Me to some AMAZING MUSIC that "MOM YOU JUST HAVE TO HEAR!" and it happens to be the same stuff older siblings "discovered" at that age....)
So I called both Henry and June's phone and said the same thing I said to Henry earlier "Call me when you get in as BF came over to swing me by to get the charger."
Now the thing is, I had gotten help from Henry many a time with the old Volvo. Heck that charger was on loan in my old garage for months at one point (way back before I BOUGHT THIS HOUSE - that had to be five years ago).
This is where the point of this comes in.
MEN are often MORE SENSITIVE than we women may realize.
I mean, I feel like Henry was really happy to help me. Now either men are more sensitive than we realize and I said something that offended him OR PERHAPS it is that JUNE (who I know is sensitive- especially when it comes to the friendship that Henry and I HAD - really the friendship we HAVE NOW is so HENRY AND JUNEish in that HE is really at this juncture just a part of the whole of the COUPLE of the both that I am friends with. There is no singular relationship with Henry distinct from June. Now I can't help but use those nicknames because ALL THREE Of us have shared intimate relationships ALBEIT NEITHER JUNE NOR I ever shared that physical bi-sexual or lesbian thing- as we BOTH Are unequivocally hetero. We both however, have had relationships with Henry- HERS LONG TERM, MINE FLEETING YEARS AGO WHEN HE WAS SINGLE and NOT in relationship with her and oddly AT HER ENCOURAGEMENT ( a fact she acts like is not any concern. She insists she was hurt only because neither of us DISCLOSED this fact to her at the time but only MUCH LATER when she directly asked me the question of whether I was involved with him. They had a break up for a few years in which They BOTH Had other relationships. He has TWO GIRLSFRIENDS AFTER JUNE prior to my fleeting relationship with him which both Henry and I chose not to continue BECAUSE WE BOTH LOVE JUNE and neither wanted to hurt her! SO we both resisted any interest frankly. We very pragmatically CHOSE to be fleeing lovers only- and CHOSE to not become emotionally attached with any deepness. It was frankly A GREAT friendship and I so enjoyed the relationship we shared at the time.) SO A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER when he and June got together again ( hmmm... that was about 6 months ago now "officially", but it was being re-developed over the past couple of years), she would of course have moments of having to address the fact of the prior involvement.
I know she is STILL hurt by this.
The thing I do love about June is that she IS SO forgiving and values our friendship enough that we talk through these issues and she still reaches out to do things. I am guilty of not extending invites as often. She is MUCH better at NURTURING her friendships which I so admire!
I also think she was in a way just manipulating me to keep this man in her world years ago, but that she both didn't foresee that would not be something she was privy to AND she also did not foresee that she actually VALUED the friendship with me. That I think came as more of a surprise to her than anything. SHe both was deserate in trying to let go of him and thought if he was in a relationship THAT WOULD HELP HER GET OVER HIM, but she wanted him in relationship with SOMEONE SHE LIKED so she could still be in HIS world as his prior Ex had not been comfortable AT ALL so during that relationship she was totally cut out which devastated her (Even though SHE Had rejected him! She wanted to be in his world and the lack of friendship just killed her during that time.) SO I GOT IT WHY SHE WAS ENCOURAGING US BOTH and frankly resisted- until I didn't . SIGH We were BOTH Weak and NEEDY At the TIME!
Its nice we are ALL so much stronger and healthier years later and made it through those times!
I KNEW I valued the friendship with JUNE moreso than that of Henry as it was the one thing that informed me NOT actually getting deeply involved with Henry! At the same time it was also the thing I found attractive in Henry - his absolute devotion to June and his constant loving support of her in so many ways EVEN when they were not actually in a romantic relationship but friends only. (The exception being when his lover was threatened by her for that one year!) I loved that he has always been VERY nurturing , supporting and empathetic and a GENTLE, CARING COMPASSIONATE Man who is always there for her. I mean even during that year if June REALLY NEEDED SOMETHING she COULD have relied on him and we knew he would be there- at least as a friend.
After my terrible time I really needed that steady strong consistency. June had ended the relationship with him and it was obvious if she ever was willing to try again he would be waiting. That was VERY CLEAR.
She later felt betrayed as I ENCOURAGED her to become involved again with him but I did not reveal our relationship. To me my fling with Henry was moreso just supporting HIM in his pain over June not being there and HIM TEACHING ME to TRUST A MAN AGAIN.
He was there AFTER The air traffic controller really hurt me by his PRETENIDING to be this in love, committed man who was REALLY in multiple relationships but lying to each of the women. It took a lot to trust any man after having been HIT by one etc... I mean when your husband takes a fist to YOUR head and pummels your arms so your battered and bruised its a wonder a woman can ever trust ANY MAN ever again. SO then the breach of trust on top of that wound I was working on healing was exceptionally hard. I felt so very broken.
Air traffic controller wounded me deeply and that breach of trust and honesty after getting out of the abusive relationship took time to heal. The relationship with the Marine was so wonderful for me, but then I had to deal with the tragedy of HIS CAR ACCIDENT! I mean my lover , when I was able to love again, then gets hit and ends up with TBI!!
DAMN, Henry was so very therapeutic and there as a friend for the past dozen years- and after the Marine was hurt it was Henry who provided me solace and comfort and re-built MY ESTEEM as a woman! And after years of his relationship with June , he was so clearly still missing HER. The two girlfriends after her were LIKE her in some ways and I could see he was looking for someone LIKE HER as he was never going to be out of love with her- whether he actualized it or not. Whether he did was totally dependent on her being willing to receive him. That was clear to me.
I felt like she would ultimately go back to him and that they would be happy one day in time.
That was very clear to me that he was and would always be HERS. He to me was an extension of HER world. I think his attraction to me was simply that I LOVE JUNE so he could really talk to me about how much he missed her and I was supportive and UNDERSTOOD THAT. It was interesting as much of HIS conversations always revolved around June as she was the love of HIS LIFE and he was having as a hard of a time living without her as she was living without him.
So after YEARS I was SO HAPPY that they FINALLY got back together again- something I think their closest friends all said FOR YEARS seemed like inevitable as neither are as HAPPY when NOT in that relationship.
This is long and rambling....
Main point of this being, that maybe men are more sensitive than we give credit to.
And maybe it is just that Women that we know are sensitive will always be so. even if the woman in question LOVES a girlfriend as a close, close friend- her sensitivity and protection of HER MAN will be priority!
Perhaps that is human nature!
Because last night I did not get a call back from Henry or June. I got the feeling I was being blown off.
Boyfriend came over, I got kids down and googled the concert series (Bluemont concerts) that Henry SAID They were going out to (which "they might be back late from".) These concerts are all over VA. The one scheduled for last night was in ASHLAND , VA which is a few hours drive away near Randolph Macon Academy. Now Henry and June have both volunteered with that organization so I thought they really had driven that far and that was WHY they would be back late. So I at first ignored the instinct that told me for some reason I was being blown off.
I didn't hear from them but said to Boyfriend, "Lets just drive over- Heck June stops by unannounced all the time, and they DO Know we are planning on coming by!" So we left late, after waiting for the call that they were back- and we got there at 12:30pm, as I figured if they did go to Asland VA they wouldn't be back before midnight. Henry and June's place was dark! I checked in her car for my jumper cables she kept forgetting to return to me. (She borrowed them a few months ago).
So we left, and I was a little surprised as in the past Henry always was so happy to help me with the borrowed charger. (But then again that was even BEFORE he was ever my lover... hmmmm.... and then during that time we had the fling).
I then thought of the last conversation we had at the pool that day.
I told them I ran a google of the attorney who called me, and posed "What Is the FIRST THING that pops up?"
IT was SADIE who answered "FACEBOOK!"
I said, " So I had ALREADY sent a resume and cover letter to this attorney who has her own office practicing IMMIGRATION nonetheless, stating 'You are living my dream'! " ;
And lo and behold up pops her FB page.
Now on FB you can not see photos EXCEPT if they are of a mutual friend. So the ONLY PHOTOS I then see pop of up this attorney are a series of three or four of her and a mutual friend- all dressed up and out, and in one she is planting a kiss on his cheek, and IT'S THE ONE MAN I ASKED OUT in recent years who turned me down!"
I thought that absolutely hilarious! I said "I mean what are the ODDS, that up pops the photo of the ONE MAN I have been REALLY Interested in in recent years? I take it as a good sign! She has great taste and I hope it indicates we are alike enough to get along and work well together."
I believe inadvertedly offended either Henry OR June OR BOTH. Perhaps however I just reminded June of HER wound she is trying so hard to heal and not have come between US as friends. June said, "Just don't steal her man", I didn't actually feel any barb in her attack in the moment and just joked back "OH no, HE turned ME DOWN, so I am sure he MUST just have a BOYFRIEND and they are just friends! I mean, come on - he turned ME DOWN, WHY ELSE WOULD HE TURN ME DOWN?"
I was joking of course. I found it just HILARIOUS that those were the only photos I saw of the attorney!
I thought it funny when I asked if he would be willing to meet for coffee he said "NO I am really not interested in anything other than friendship"
I mean , I just asked to meet for COFFEE and I got a thoughtful response of how he is not interested in a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. Well I HAD flirted and let him know of my crush on him! It was a wonderfully frank exchange, and so honest on both our parts that I appreciated the good communication in my asking him out and his NO. IT was a nice moment! (HA HA)
He is also the only man I actually asked out on a date (goodness other than the ask to go to YOGA which ALSO had a negative response back in college!)
IT was funny as at the time I WANTED TO TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND CHOOSE who came into it rather than just find myself responsive to OTHERS who make the overture to be in my life!(Some of whom I think did so out of convenience was my fear at the time) Asking this man out was a choice to actively SHAPE MY LIFE and WHO IS IN IT.
SO it was tremendously FUNNY to me that was the photo that popped up- the amazing man I am fortunate to call ACQUAINTECE and "FB Friend".
But somehow both Henry and June did not find it amusing. June's comment later sunk in that she was joking but masking the hurt and anger still there after these years. Henry was likely just WISE To not help me out further.
HE passed the test this time; LOL.
However, I when started writing I said that perhaps we women underestimate men's sensitivity. I realized based on the tone in Henry's voice, and the comment he made which perplexed me that I didn't understand at the time "Just ask the guys there to move your car and I am sure they will";
I think perhaps that is also the case. My comment of the one man I was interested in IN YEARS may have made HIM Devalued.
June came by to pick up Sadie who is working today with her. Nice opportunities for babysitting and helping as mother's helper or housecleaning have been offered to Sadie by June. June really is SO GOOD for my whole family. Her friendship IS really important to me. I am LUCKY she HAS been able to continue to remain my friend!
As she picked up Sadie I told her what happened: That we did come by, and everything was dark. June told me they came home and didn't go out as "The concert was supposed to be in Leesburg but was cancelled", so they turned in early apparently.
I told her we came by and June said "OH you should have opened the door - the charger was right next to the door in the front hall"
I told her I wasn't comfortable snooping around, other than to look in her car for my cables! I also told her what Henry said, that she had brought the wrong charger.
She said "Henry said that he he thought the battery was too dead and it wouldn't work , to not drop it off"
I told her the good news was that Boyfriend DID FIND HIS CABLES AND WE SUCCESSFULLY Jumped and moved the car last night thankfully!
I said, "Henry had tried, but it hadn't worked, but we ran the car for a while and that made a difference and it did start"
As June left with Sadie she said" Henry said he was worried about depleting his battery. He thought the battery was too dead and it would deplete his."
I don't mind whatsoever about hearing two different versions of a story.
Reality is that Henry on the phone was hinting at not wanting to help for SOME REASON.
Which is why my impression this AM as June picked up Sadie was-
Sometimes, we women underestimate the sensitivity of men.
Either that or June did not WANT Henry to help me- Either way is fine by me as I fully understand BOTH reactions/actions and appreciate the friendship of this couple EVEN THOUGH at times all three of us will have challenges in it to be sure!
And the good news is that, as I joked with Boyfriend (in a joke that yes was distasteful, but I STILL found a bit funny and think the BF did not mind- ) BOYFRIEND was able to give me a powerful jump when Henry could not do so.
Yes I KNOW it is a terrible joke, but when I delivered it, it DID Make BF laugh. And HE TOO at times of course will need some reassurance that he is #1, especially as I shared with him the irony of the job posting and photo of my friend! He knew all about the asking out of the guy I admired as is with COMPLETE honest openness that we have navigated and navigate OUR relationship.
That is the thing that I so enjoy about this relationship with him. It is NICE to KNOW ONE IS LOVED and Loving SOMEONE who is HONEST about who they are, where they are at, and what they want out of the relationship they are in!
After three years I STILL Haven't met his boys, so they speaks volumes about our level of seriousness in our dating relationship, based upon where WE BOTH individually are. He and I BOTH have been in that stage of self development first and foremost. IT IS NICE to date someone who UNDERSTANDS THAT. WE BOTH have to NECESSARILY Put OUR OWN KIDS AND OUR OWN NEEDS first and are not ready to be in a partnership or a more serious relationship at this time. Time is not ripe for that FOR EITHER OF US.
Which is of course PRECISELY why it is a good dating relationship as we each nurture the other's growth, value the time we each have alone to meet personal goals and respect the other's need for time to develop self. That is OK however, as we are both very happy for the time being and enjoy this for as long as it is.
I was VERY appreciative that he was willing to drive out here to help me move that car! WHEW Got it done... close to the deadline, but JUST MADE IT!
In good news, I DID Get a call from the Immigration attorney and do have an interview scheduled! YAH I SO HOPE THIS IS A GOOD FIT FOR BOTH OF US!!
As always, if I get a job, all I will say PROMISE HERE.... is "GOT A JOB" and will do best to not discuss work here!
I think perhaps that is why some become creative writers. EVENTUALLY all those experiences of stories begging to be told just overflow and HAVE TO COME OUT masked in SOME Way... HEE HEE.....
My goals are:
EVENTUALLY hang my own shingle (or join a practice) working as an Immigration Attorney
DOWN the road