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2014-08-22 - 3:59 p.m.

OK, as I was saying before the much needed nap of the last hour-

Here I worry about whether my oldest child is taking care of HERSELF or needs some more support,

and at the same time SO WISH I had made it to MY Dr myself!

I did make it over to the narcoleptic/asthma doc. That was critical as after a recent visit with friends with cats I have been needing to use the nebulizer with albuterol as my lungs have been really spastic. Spastic bronchioles literally.

I have however FELT overall pretty good. However when faced with the choice of WHICH specialist to go to (at $50 each co-pay), I had to get to that appt. FIRST. I SO WISH I made it to the OTHER Dr. My Psychiatrist as well, but am waiting for Sept.

Its really annoying, but I will get by until then.

The thing I WANTED to write about when I came on line today is how I KNOW the Wellbutrin helps me, even though I am OK in a sense without it. It helps me manage both time AND Moods very clearly!

I actually had days of feeling down and then realized "OH yeah- my medication ran out- Perhaps as my Life Coach thinks I DO HAVE Depressive down moments" but they don't manifest as the extreme DARK ONES of so many. THANKFULLY I am blessed with NOT being depressive in that manner! MY life coach says he things I do have lows, but thankfully they are minor compared to the highs- but that is something HE fears COULD CHANGE (along with my docs) which is why I have been treated for years now. OR rather then lows for me manifest in paranoia rather than the dismal lack of enthusiasm and despair so many struggle with. No despair for me as ever optimistic is my modus operandi, but I DO at times have the NO ENERGY moments.

So this week, I did have good energy, good sleep, just a bit of being down for a few days after medication had run out so thankfully mood stability still rather good. THANK GOD NO PARANOIA

It was interesting as I ran out of my medication JUST After traveling to Buffalo with Pocohontas two weekends ago for a WONDERFUL TRIP and it was VERY CLEAR to me that she was in a full blown manic state during that weekend and the whole week after.

She doesn't accept a diagnosis of bi-polar OR DEPRESSION and believes she suffers from lows related to her menstrual cycle (despite from what I have heard from others close to her that she has been told otherwise by doctors.) Now she TAKES NO MEDICINE and just weathers the storms of her life.

That is terrifying to me knowing she has had suicidal moments. Nonetheless, Pocahontas does manage alright with the help of HER friends and loved ones.

I came here to specifically write how despite a good week OVERALL It was Terrible TO See that I just LOST TRACK OF TIME the day it was most important not to!

I had an interview one day this week for a JOB I REALLY WANT.

Now it is frustrating as I KNOW had I been taking MY medication consistently I would have been there EARLY.

Now unlike KAterina who is young still, and perhaps embarrassed, overwealmed, feels terrible etc and just has trouble MAKING THE CALL if late or can't do something, I HAVE NO GUILT , NO FEAR , NO WORRY about when I can't do something I set out to. I have NO SHAME in calling and saying "I am so sorry I am running late."

Professionally also, I have developed skills and tactics of organization that I was VERY RELIABLE at work.

At the large company I worked for I was Most often the FIRST person to call in for any of our Proposal RFP TEAM calls that I was on.

I was NEVER the last to arrive at a team meeting (except ONCE which I specifically recall! HA HA That would be the one when the head of ALL of legal was there and EVERYONE was decked out and it was THE ONE FRIDAY I FINALLY RECALLED Fri was dress down day and actually WORE JEANS instead of a suit! It was comical that I had an ADHD hyperfocus moment and strolled in late in JEANS to the meeting to sit NEXT TO THE HEAD HUANCHO as that was THE ONLY SEAT LEFT to the mortification of my boss. OH yeah... I forgot about that day perhaps being the beginning of my end there. My BOSS , unlike ME did not seem to find it amusing)

So the thing is , MY ADHD symptoms this week have been a challenge!

I SHOULD HAve gone to the interview SUPER EARLY. But as I literally had not an extra $1 I didn't know how I could just HANG OUT in the town it was in FOR HOURS to entertain myself. I did not know where the library was but DID know how to bike there and clean up in the supermarket near the office I had to go to.

I LOVED the bike ride there! Trouble is that I ESTIAMATED the time it would take based on my ride to my FORMER workplace. This place is actually CLOSER but I did not account for the fact the old office was right off the W O &D TRAIL

Which means A STRAIGHT RUN and the place I interviewed at entailed a ride up and down a lot of hills in a totally different direction!

So even though the milegage was SHORTER the ACTUAL Ride took me MUCH LONGER than the time estimated.

Now I KNEW to just leave early to account for that. I Knew better than to cut it close.

But trouble for me is that it was a 3pm interview.

Anyone who knows ANYTHING about ADHD knows that to do something TOO EARLY in the day is fatal to success OR TOO LATE IN THE DAY is fatal to success! HA HA


So I REALLY ACTUALLY PLANNED on leaving at around 9AM for my 3pm interview! REALLY

But then, after a leisurely breakfast of cooking French toast for all, and playing a card game with Alexy, I decided NOT to rush out upon figuring there WAS NO WAY she could accompany me. (SHE REALLY WANTED TO COME! SHe loves biking distances on the trail! SHe got dressed and announced "I WANT TO COME WITH YOU" It was very cute!)

So I HAD to enjoy time with her that morning. Big sisters were home and the 14 year old was fine with babysitting, but I didn't want to leave TOO EARLY if not necessary. That was my mistake- I lingered.

And then a delivery came.

It was the awesome things I ordered for the basement - A new REFRIGERATOR in particular among them. A few other smaller items to make it a rockin rental space which may be my main source of income for a time once school starts. I have waited so my girls could enjoy the space over the summer when they are with me. (With lots of kids, DIVIDE and CONQURE is a REALLY IMPORTANT PHILOSOPHY so the extra space is very helpful in everyone's happiness when home often!)

We really did enjoy spending a lot of time at home this summer with art projects, Dr. Who marathons, teens hiding out texting friends in the basement and watching STARKID over and over ( the Harry Potter musicals are a fav), and many board games (Harry Potter Chess and Harry Potter Clue).

NOW KNOWING I had an interview, I SHOULD HAVE NOT OPENED ONE BOX that arrived.

Instead I did open and move the fridge. I also set it up and was DELIGHTED it actually fits PERFECTLY where I hoped it would in a closet so it doesn't take up space and is actually next to the kitchen sink and counter I had installed! Its a beautiful space down there! I got the fridge in to realize however that the door needed to be moved to open from left to right rather than the way it was on as although it FIT in the space, you could not open the door more than halfway.

So I commenced the job of taking the fridge out of the space and reading instructions and gathering tools to remove the door and re-install to open the other way.

THAT WAS WHERE I STOPPED congnizent I had an interview and did not have time for that project!

But the clock surprised me with its read of something like 12:45 PM.

I got ready to go,
to discover that the BIKE I WAS INTENDING TO RIDE- the MOUNTAIN BIKE was not there, as I had JUST given permission for two of my girls to head off somewhere.

OH YEAH, Raitlin had outgrown her kid bike and I told her just a few weeks ago THAT MOUNTAIN BIKE IS HERS!


I couldn't TAKE THAT on the mountainous ride to the job of my dreams as intended!

OK,no problem as I LOVE MY BIKE that I usually ride-- for trail riding and street riding that is (my norm).

But lo and behold, the rear light was out!

DAMN! I am a STICKLER for SAFETY When riding. Kids all decked out in florescent vests that they have learned to not resist etc...

AND , the FRONT LIGHT was not even ON this bike ! OH YEAH- that snapped off and I forgot to get a new one yet.

So I WAS COMPELLED to then try to rectify the light issue before leaving.

New batteries on the rear blinking light. This did not make it work.

Searched a bit for the FRONT light which WORKS but just needs an assembly. Couldn't FIND IT.

The GOOD Lights were moved onto the RED bike the day I told Raitlin she could ride that one from now on.


Now the interview was at 3pm so I wasn't worried about riding AFTER DARK, however there was rain in the forecast. I was worried about hitting a rainy DARK SKY with a storm so WANTED to be well prepared.

It was 1:30 pm when I gave up that goal of being well prepared and just left.

The ride according to the map I had said I would be JUST ON TIME. That would leave little time for wash up but I figured I would JUST MAKE IT if I hustled.

Well there is NO WAY to hustle when riding UP BIG HILLS.

I have no idea WHY it never occurred to me that mountain biking over hills, over DIRT AND GRAVEL COUNTRY ROADS would take WAY MORE TIME than the bike trail, but it really didn't sink in until I was in the middle of seemingly no where wondering what time it was.

I did a time check
And called to say I was running late.

The office manager said I could re-schedule OR they would meet me when I got there. (She had consulted with the attorney).

I said I would prefer to just meet later that day if that was fine.

I did get there and had an interview ONE HOUR after the intial time scheduled.

It was however NOT with the attorney who left as I arrived, but with her office manager and a paralegal.

The interview ITSELF went well I thought. However I may have blown it by being late.

Will see.

The thing is, I would LOVE To bike to this job for a little while and then would get a car.

To ride to work EVERY DAY would be HARD but I could easily manage that if leaving early enough every day.

I could get a car to borrow on the day I have my girls I am sure. I bet if I asked my boyfriend if I could drive him to the train and borrow his car and then pick him up from the commuter train that would work out fine; OR Ask Pocahontas to borrow her car.

I think for many it may sound CRAZY To bike to work for such a distance but I would frankly LOVE THE MOTIVATION TO DO THAT!

Early on in life I never hesitated hustling to get to a job.

My first jobs were walked to. The one was a 15 or 20 min walk, the second a 45 min walk. One job I had at a school for disabled kids on LI consisted of a half hour walk to the train station, then a train ride, then a RUN for a half hour to the school where I washed up before reporting to work. The 30 min run was alongside train tracks as those were THE BEST places to run on L.I. They were SO PRETTY and there was always a break in the fence to get to those "unofficial" beautiful trails! (Hey for those NY readers I took LIRR from Albertson to Syosset and ran along the tracks there to some school.) I was 18 at the time I think. There was not a direct bus or train to take , so I took the public transportation as far as I could get and used my feet the rest of the way. I LOVED that DAILY RUN! It was so wonderful!

After college I biked sometimes from Buffalo to Amherst to work at Autistic Services, sometimes took the bus and at times jogged part of the way (until my Dad gifted me with his old Chevy Suburban Wagon). Irony is I was NEVER LATE for work UNTIL I HAD THE CAR and then had moments of FALLING ASLEEP DRIVING ( I popped a tire once!), after which I then knew to pull over and SLEEP if I felt the urge! So I would OCCASSIONALLY run late if I had to pull over as it was then that I discovered if I drove more than a half hour it was a struggle to remain awake. (My great boss at Autistic Services was the first person who ever said the word "Narcolepsy" to me. It seemed a daunting thing at the time to even FIGURE OUT how to go about getting neurological testing! I was that young woman who was overwhelmed by doing something not familiar and could have benefitted from someone to hold MY HAND in encouragement to figure things out-- and as there was not at that time anyone offering to do it, it then took me nearly 20 years until I actually DID GET IT DONE and get the diagnosis of my sleep disorder! HECK MY FIRST HUSBAND WAS WONDERFUL TO ME and it was DUE TO HIS LOVE AN ENCOURAGEMENT when he did hold my hand at my side that I became aware of the ADHD. It is often through others that are in our lives that see things and gently tell us that we learn of ourselves! So that boss helped me, even though it took ME YEARS To follow up on her suggestions, and my first hubby helped me as well-EVEN THOUGH I RESISTED at the time when it was first suggested I was ADHD and that impacted our marriage significantly!)

But that was an aside (sort of-is relevant as I so hope Katerina's lover is a good support to her and that she has ENOUGH Support as she figures HER SELF OUT on her path! I also hope it doesn't take her TWENTY YEARS to follow up on helpful suggestions....Maybe she is not as stubborn as me? But maybe she has greater inertia and needs a kick in the butt even more than me? And when is it appropriate to offer that kind of tough love? Perhaps she still NEEDS MOTHERING? Perhaps I can help more actively? Perhaps she is not yet REALLY the independent adult SHE WANTS TO BE and will blossom into? Heck everyone at times NEEDS MOTHERING and I personally think that should NEVER BE SHIFTED TO BE A ROLE A SIGNIFICANT OTHER, A LOVER, Or a SPOUSE picks up the slack on! I feel like my JOB and obligations in relation to helping Katerina grow are not yet done yet it is hard when geographically not there to at time feel like I can fulfill them.)

Back to me: walking, biking or planning in a run in order to get to a job HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY NORM.

So I just hope I DO get a job offer and the hiring attorney doesn't think me just looney for biking to her office.

I REALLY WOULD reliably do it EVERY DAY WITH JOY if given the opportunity.

Will see....

If not, well then , I did just send a requested resume to another fortune 500 company. True that if I HAD to (despite my focus now REALLY BEING on landing a job in the immigration arena), I WOULD take a corporate contract manager job at TWICE (at least) what I would be paid as an immigration paralegal.

Ce la vie.

I can, if I HAVE TO (as I am at that point where now I NEED A JOB), get as excited also about study for the FEDERAL CONTRACT MANAGEMENT CERTIFICATION and throw myself into that course of study and achieve that certification to ensure I land a good job.

Heck , we all at times have to do what we have to do, even if we don't like it. Many of us have to do so EVERY DAY.

I will do that if I have to and be grateful for the opportunities that come my way. Funny however to some I suppose, that I would RATHER BIKE OVER MOUNTAINS to get to the office to do the work at less than half the salary at the job I have aspired to, than have to follow what for many seems the easier route of hopping a train to ride into D.C. for an contract management job - the average salary of which in Washington D.C. is $113,000 a year.

So if I DO NOT GET HIRED as a paralegal in a firm being paid considerably less, well then I will not complain.

And I will be happy a corporate recruiter asked for my resume just yesterday.

AND I WILL FILL MY MEDS so that for the NEXT interview, I am medicated! SHEESH.... OH AND PS: 60% of the federal contract managers are set to retire in the next TEN YEARS. That is ALOT OF JOBS TO FILL. So anyone with a college degree and business experience who needs a new career, or any young people just starting out- Contract Management is a great option for a wonderful career!

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