Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2014-08-30 - 4:12 p.m.

Not being a big movie fan ( I admit it, for much of my life I could either not sit still long enough to make it through a movie OR Not stay awake long enough to make it through one) , but being a big reader, there is occasionally a movie that seems good enough to actually try to read the book before it is no longer running in the cheapo second run theaters. The Fault In Our Stars met that criteria for me , after I felt a bit guilty at being so, well JUDGEMENTAL (shhh!! don't tell!) of one who LOVES to go to movies and who I can't get to go hiking on a mountain (often, or for more than about a mile...) who asked if there was a movie I would like to go to.

I was smug and obnoxious in the response "No not really, unless I read the book first, maybe Fault in Our Stars."
OK I was snippy as when asked just about a week before and I said " I REALLY Want to see the Giver" and the person who asked then went to it with another friend (housemate/landlord friend he rents from who on a Friday night if both are home tend to go out to eat and go catch a movie on occasion.)

He SAID He could go again and bring me.... but for some reason I was irritated (jealous? Hmmm? Maybe?) Not that was not really the RIGHT sentiment- Just ANNOYED as if he were LISTENING they could have chosen to go to any OTHER MOVIE...but then again maybe SHE WANTED to see that movie so why on earth would I care that he saw it already? He doesn't mind seeing a movie twice. I think he actually ENJOYS that.

I for some reason feel like it is TWICE the torture!

I have a hard enough time sitting through most movies ONCE so to sit through them TWICE is just ALMOST beyond comprehension to me.

So it baffles me when I let him pick a film out of my DVD collection that he will inevitably pick something I have seen MORE THAN Twice. I always never say that, as they are the typical DATE movies.

OK thank goodness I really LIKE THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR as yes it is a sexy film, as when I have had a date over for dinner I made and let him pick a film I have not ever had the wisdom to HIDE THAT DARN ONE... and I can't really count how many times that one has been picked.. HA HA ... Heck it is a good one.

50 First Dates is another. Thank God that one is actually always amusing as I have seen that on more than one first date.

So I was irritated inexplicably when my boyfriend told me he saw the Giver (but still offered to take me) and then at first surprised when last week he picked out Along Came Polly to watch with me (when I had a dozen arty films from the library and the collection of going out of business movies from blockbuster I bought which all have some Cannes, Sundance, or other obscure arty film festival win boasted on the cover). I mean I just think "WHY?? Oh Why would you pick something you SAW ALREADY when there is all this GREAT ART here?"

But that is my stupidity to care , I mean WHY do I care if he sees a movie TWICE that he enjoys.

I had to shut down my instinct to be disappointed and be present in the time together watching that movie that YES IS FUN.

Heck if anyone can appreciate the character of Polly it is me.

I think when the boyfriend told me that he saw the Giver already it was not jealousy I felt at all, but rather HURT.
Heck I think I just cared he dared to tell me about it and not have consideration for my feelings because that was the one movie I said I DID want to go to. (But then again how could he know of my weird BRISTLING and thinking watching a movie TWICE is totally a waste of time? THat also comes back to the weird WORKAHOLIC thing of how one must be PRODUCTIVE all the time which is ingrained in me. Not because it was ever TOLD to me growing up, but I have a workaholic Dad, the workaholic gene in me... children of alcoholics thing likely...and married one (2nd hubby) who then not only acted like that but then DID CALL ANYONE LAZY if they dared RELAX AT ALL. He was downright ABUSIVE in his never allowing anyone to ever RELAX with his overachieving, low self esteem motivated need for DOING SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALWAYS.)

So I am AWARE Of how and why this weird psychological manifestation of bristling at the suggestion of watching a movie COMES FROM, and also why suggestion of watching the same movie TWICE is even more of a challenge for me!

For a period there when I was dating both boyfriend AND The hiker who then proposed so I lost my hiking partner, in fact I saw SO MANY MOVIES TWICE. I think though it was just common sense to NOT mention this to either of them at the time.

It was rather hilarious actually. Now to think of it that explains a lot as to why I VALUED that friendship with hiker! DAMN IT WAS LIKE THERAPY!!! (Scary thought here that in fact what the Imago Therapy suggested years ago that we bring people in our lives who have ability to HEAL our wounds is TRUE! DAMN ARE ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS REALLY JUST THERAPY SUBSTITUTES?? HEE HEE.... ) Back to being serious (let's pretend that last comment was NOT serious) , I think both men just HAPPENED to have the same cable stations and same taste in movies. So it challenges me to fact this weird quirk of mine that to begin with I am not particularly a fan of watching movies- honestly I would prefer to do ANYTHING ELSE with someone. To me they are not a thing which brings people together but you both sit and don't talk. Heck if its some sort of foreplay ritual to be close together and then get it on , I can do without it ! (HA HA... I actually am really into SHORT FILMS for that reason! I had a lover who would come over that totally got that and I would joke and say "You want to watch a movie" and I would pick out some arty 15 min one... Heee Heee"
I mean if you need that ritual I CAN compromise. That lover and I were ALREADY so connected with great communication. So it was kinda fun, funny , and heck with my need for sleep I pretty much feel like a long movie is just a waste of my time.

Therein lies a compatibility problem as the boyfriend seems to love movies.

I TRY so hard to not be judgmental but I swear I see it as a bit of laziness to a degree. They are so damn EASY. I plan things to do to GO OUT and be engaged in the world. He prefers to be holed up at home ( Hmmm... same challenge I see Henry and June struggle with come to think of it.) He loves to go out to a movie- I will grant that. He is always open to taking me out when I suggest but as much as I do like this man I get frustrated that our idea of fun if we were to list activities would likely have very little intersection.

Oh well... yet I still ENJOY time with him and value the relationship. That odd paradox.

OH but back to when dating the attorney and ALSO spending time with hiker- I was HAPPY to watch movies at the hiker's house every other Sun night when I did my laundry there (my basement with its machines was rented and I needed to either go to a Laundromat or take him up on his offer of his company and use his place.) I kinda found just watching movies FINE with a friend not really interested in being more deeply connected to. To me its a way of Avoiding intimacy!

I mean I am trying so hard to respect that not all sedentary things are BAD (Really I DO VALUE SLEEP, and YES READING Is sedentary to a degree... but not REALLY in my mind as for some reason I can be transported into another world when reading in a way that just doesn't really happen for me when watching TV or a movie )

ANYWAY I started to write just to point out that as reading The Fault In Our Stars (I am making an effort! Really ! I want to not be disdainful but try to graciously say "Yes thank you for the offer to take me to the movies" so I am reading the book) , I suddenly took a break to find out about the author John Green.

Sometimes I feel like I live under a rock! I somehow missed that John Green is one of the VLOG BROTHERS! LOVE THEM although in my attempts to avoid mania don't listen often as my goal is to slow down daily... heee heee

Telling you though, sometimes I just wonder "WHY BOTHER SLOWING DOWN?"

Heck I doubt John Green ever bothered to try, and see what being himself seems to have done for him!

:// That being said I am actually REALLY enjoying spending most of this weekend reading and chilling as I watch the wonder of what my girls do when I just give them space and leave them alone: Its a kind of whirlwind of activity at home while I sit and watch. I LOVE THAT kind of being sedentary! Some baking, jewelry making, clay sculpting, singing etc. going on at home. I can be still at chosen times.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!