Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2016-01-01 - 10:31 a.m.

Happy New Year!

I made a wonderful omelette , a good cup of coffee , sweet orange slices and enjoyed a piece of multigrain toast with my morning toast with some red wine jelly that has been in the fridge for longer than I can remember.

There is sugar crysallized on the top of the jar, and a hand made label which fell off it.

I have a relationship with alcohol which is akin to my relationship with my cell phone.

I am perhaps fortunate for that, as I disregard most both most often, although I try to make a point of sometimes allowing them into my life thinking it might be a good thing, thinking it can be socially helpful, yet I seem to most often fail in those feeble efforts.

I lose my phone
Fail to charge it when I do find it

I bought some liquor filled chocolates intending to bring them out in celebration, then forgot about them.
I remembered them on Thanksgiving to dig one small box of imported chocolate filled with Grand Marnier to discover it was stale, each individual chocolate inflated where the alcohol evaporated and seemed to implode the small once delicate soft chocolate into these dry lumps with concave depressions of dried out crumbly grey crystallized rocky like turds.

There is still a bottle of champagne sitting in my fridge the last boyfriend I had brought over that remained there.

I think he brought it over on a New Years Eve when we decided not to open it as instead invited my neighbor in who was flying higher than a kite - a man we love and wanted to invite in simply so he didn't get himself into trouble as he had been SO GOOD for SO LONG... and not using anything for so very long that we chose to just be his friend in his relapse

That same neighbor has been clearly mostly sober and clean for the past few years since... seriously it was that one New Years and once only since that I was aware he even had a drink, as he gets loud when he drinks.

Last night was a lovely New Years as we toasted the New Year in with Sparking Apple Juice, the little girls and I. (Early as one of my girls truly has no patience and the one with the least impulse control, but when she implored me to not wait until midnight saying she wanted to go to BED, that was when I caved... it was a good excuse. She did go up to her room around 10:30 pm as we had watched the musical Hairspray, enjoyed some nice chocolate drizzled popcorn and our sparkling cider and she then enjoyed her music.

I suppose I SHOULD have stopped cleaning up my 1200 emails and just waiting to do that this morn, but I wanted to end the new year without that clutter; so when at about 10:45 had logged on (primarily to remember to send my hrs into the job agency I work for this week so I get paid , but also intending to read the Meetup ideas posted to see if there is anything inspirational thinking this morn I would like to take the girls on a hike, and thinking I wanted to find a drum circle for me over this weekend), I did get caught up in the vortex of mindless obsession of the time warp of routine computer repetition . We used to meditate over prayer, chanting of OM, or the rosary, sometimes alone but also often in community, in connection with others but today I think the largest practice of meditation in our society is unfortunately the rhythmic, soothing tapping of keys mindlessly and repetitively allowing oneself to clear the brain of clutter and relax.

So I meditatively entered that warp of release of thought while repetitively clicking the key to choose to highlight all of the emails in the account (with rare exception of unclicking the few to be actually read), then hitting the "delete" key in a wonderful purge of getting rid of junk while starting a new year. I finished the last click of DELETE with ONE email left in my mailbox ( one from my hiking partner whom I traveled with now four times I think, who I still see a couple of times a year. I had just deleted a meet up for SPEED DATING that made me laugh thinking I want to start a new trend... SLOW DATING.... come on a date and then plan the next one for no less than six months later... for either super busy or super self absorbed or simply super lazy unmotivated but otherwise interesting people whom you might to enjoy getting to know over the course of a decade or so.... I wanted to rifle off a quick idea of the silly concept to my hiking partner... but it was 11:50, so I shut down e-mail)

At 11:51 I logged into the Times Square celebration and we enjoyed the final performer (I have no idea who she was!), and after Imagine was sung , with 25 seconds left the child in bed came to join the others and me in the living room and we welcomed the New Year.

The neighbor, sober this year, gleefully put off fireworks at the strike of midnight. I had to reprimand the children to come inside as they ran out, and shortly thereafter I heard him say to his youngest "GET BACK IN THE HOUSE! You have to stay inside " then "I LOVE YOU!" which made me smile. I told the girls to watch from their bedroom windows after they complained that from inside our living room they could not see the sky. Those fireworks were being put off very close to our house as in the burbs in a townhouse community the middle of the street is close. The fireworks were lovely; but my middle school child freaking out when I started to move the contents of a chair sitting so one can look out the window was NOT LOVELY in response as she screamed "What are you doing? DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF " and then PUSHED AT ME TO get me out of her room. I felt demoralized, and sad and a bit defeated as I chose to just say gently " I was trying to just move the things aside so I could sit with you and enjoy your company as we welcome the New Year" She was nasty and rude, and this is NOT My child with the bipolar illness, but the ADHD one who I don't EXPECT to be so rude and unfeeling, yet who has moments of being so... sometime I forget she used to have MANY MOMENTS and it is a reminder to keep an eye on monitoring her moods and behavior . Its that constant balancing and having to measure the moods of the whole family to be sure there are no issues overlooked, ignored or plain not recognized that is part of my daily chore of managing my household. Mental illness requires such. I truly wonder if the prevalence of it in my family is not higher than even we know at some times. I say that matter of factly- just wondering now as I think of all my siblings, and all of my children... and the extended families... I think there is a greater incidence of both genius giftedness and mental illness than we ever truly realized in my family. So last night, I chose to be compassionate and forgive, and not engage in correction in the MOMENT (I will follow up today at some point and remind this child that when tired she needs to be more conscious of not being rude). I just left the room and made the good choice of going back downstairs to watch the fireworks alone. Soon enough the youngest came down and asked if I wanted to tell stories with her story cubes. The youngest and I then started off the New Year with STORY CUBES inspiring silly bed time stories. They were being tossed on the head of my djembe, which seemed appropriate. I often write and then realized I had a thought I wanted to complete, but then have to go back to edit and accurately complete the telling of the story chronologically as it occurred. Then the writing no longer flows... ce la vie... so this next part was written WAY EARIER than this , just AFTER talking about cleaning out my junk mail... (I had to go back and fill in all the rest): /p>

Wish all could as easily get rid of junk as they welcome the new year!

Which brings me to what made me want to write.

As I sat down to relax and resist the urge to compel my girls to awake and drag them out for a New Year's Day hike, but thinking SLEEP is truly sacred (yes I value that ability to get rest and just not be woken until the body says it is time SO MUCH that I resisted my selfish urge to drag them out of bed instead thinking the smell of coffee, and rosemary ham might do the trick... yet shutting their doors to preserve their quiet... the opposing desires of mine for their well being competing in my own conflicted self...)

I am resisting the urge to be totally selfish and go drum for the New Years Celebration meditatively for the opening of a YOGA practice today at 2

I would have to leave home at 1pm, and the girls are here! So I am sighing at foregoing that opportunity for self indulgence and decided I can feed my soul and spirit by just relaxing listening to music I love until they awake and going to a drum circle that is LATER , during the time they are out to dinner with their Dad.

So I popped in the CD entitled "Risk" of Ken Burns' Jazz

to enjoy my coffee to what I thought was called

I childishly thought of starting this entry

"My morning started off with soft penis"

and you know, It was surprisingly lovely..

I googled to find the tune is actually called "SALT PEANUTS" but the joke was that it would be intentionally misheard.... or misspoken with denial that was done....

Just boy silliness of course...

with the intent to shock and push a boundary as that era of jazz did, whether intentional or natural at the time.

I am glad the girls are all asleep and NOT watching this episode with me this morn as the thing I was NOT PREPARED FOR is just how SAD This particular episode it

It highlights some of the most beautiful music of the era of Be Bop and development of absolutely beautiful music of so many greats, but the heroin addiction of Charlie Parker, Miles and so many other is just so very painful to watch.

I had this argument with the oh so beautiful mother in law over this point of whether naivity serves children well or not.

I still hold that protecting children from the shock and pain of full awareness of the world is truly a better way to parent in a way.

That can't of course be OVERDONE

There has to be a balance, but I think there is nothing wrong and it is preferable to be able to have the luxury of protecting the innocence bliss of children for as long as possible.

I do think it amazing that only TODAY when watching this show did I have the AH HA moment! Of WHY even way back in high school the dean yelled at me "ARE YOU ON DRUGS" and now understand WHY there was this treating me as a person non grata, why my college friends years later told me they thought I was on drugs ( a fact I thought was just due to my ADHD)...

but only TODAY when watching of the heroin addiction of the jazz greats , when there was a mention of nodding off....
did I google and read of that trait of heroin addicts

Here it is. How did I NOT KNOW that is the problem I have been facing, that not just one or two , but more than a FEW PEOPLE as viewed my narcoleptic sleep disorder as a sign of moral turpitude !! Addicts are not morally any more deserving of being judged for THEIR ILLNESS despite it being brought on by one moment of weakness of a poor choice, I mean how can they be morally inferior to anyone who ever took one drink when that is so very normal and common in our society.

I just think it absolutely awful to suddenly have this FULL AWARENESS , even if I have articulated it before in reference to the school when saying that they acted and treated me like they thought I was some alcoholic or heroin addict.

I mean I ARTICTULATED that I FELT that was how the school had treated me years ago, but until reading of this nodding off of heroin addicts, and until NOW when we are in the midst of a full blown epidemic I had never truly actually COMPREHENDED that was TRULY what that school actually really must have BELIEVED me to be.

Maybe I figured that out cognitively years ago, but at some level I thought I was just being emotionally hurt and exaggerating when describing that the school acted like I was some addict and they were TRYING TO HELP MY CHILDREN by an intervention necessary.

So it is painful to have suddenly understood that the SYMPTOMS of a heroin addict are somewhat similar to that of idiopathic hypersomnia!

How did I NOT KNOW That?

Well, no wonder...

Its still very painful to suddenly understand how others have perceived me and to understand that now with ACTUAL epidemic proportions of prescription and heroin addiction in our white burbs that I am MORE LIKLY to be judged.

SIGH.... Which brings me back to that thread of the though of my relationship with alcohol. So On New Years' Eve as it was only me here who could drink, I once again did not open the still chilling bottle of Champagne. I would have when the older kids and company were here on Christmas, but one of our party was battling the demon of depression for a couple of days just then, and I just knew alcohol would not help so opted not to open it then for that person's sake. So for New Year's Eve I remembered the second box of liquor filled chocolates, this one with an expiration date of late this year. This one also imported but rum filled. I opened it in anticipation to find they too were stale and spoiled. I tossed both boxes. (I think I saved the first believing perhaps that it was outdated when I bought it, as its expiration date was OCT.. but thinking this time that would never happen despite good intentions ,I knew better than to keep them around and submitted to the loss.)
I am just glad I let the girls sleep in. I would not wanted them to have watched of the heroin addiction of the jazz greats. I think my romantic fantasy and listening to the pure bliss of the music without understanding the darkness lurking underneath served me well enough in life. I didn't need to know of the struggles that were encapsulated and then released in the music until I became an adult and faced these realities in what I am thankful is a very limited and peripheral manner. That glimpse of the pain is all I could bear and I am grateful I have not had greater awareness. I could find the beauty in the dissonance without understanding all its implications.

My bipolar child is awake and eating breakfast now. WHEW.... if she gets sleep and eats well and takes her medicine it is a good day.

She just took her medicine, and her daily dose of cheese

She asked "is there something in MILK that would make me crave it and milk products so much"

I said I am SURE there is something that her body must crave in it.

That is her addiction .

Dairy Queen

Will read to see what it is that makes her crave it!

Then will wake the others and we will go out to get some exercise and Vitamin D.

Late day New year's hike with girls on my agenda, and looking forward to playing in a drum circle for the first time in over a year tonight!

Happy New Years to you and yours! May this be a peaceful year of healing and further growth! (Is that a paradox? Growth always requires growing pains: May this be a year of healing and peaceful moments amidst the growth, with hopes the growth is not TOO painful to be avoided!)

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!