2016-01-25 - 8:16 a.m.

Its an odd thing, this procrastination of mine when it comes to completion of the short legal form to submit to a court and request a hearing for EXPUNGMENT of the legal record that exists in both my circuit court record AND the local sheriff's office.

When I ran the background check for the WV BAR I sat for, it came up that according to records I was
"Guilty Contributing to Delinquency of Youth"

I have been wondering why I have been hesitant to just go do that.

I KNOW there were SO MANY job interviews that went well (despite myself! HA HA NO honestly BECAUSE of myself I am VERY CAPABLE IN MY WORK), but then after three interviews I did not get the offer.

That happened for legal contract management positions at a number of places. I also know the few when I BLEW the interview. (Like telling the Sales Director who I was darn sure was ready to hire me I have a bi-polar diagnosis, but its just really manageable and on RARE occasion I get hypomanic and work like mad, but don't have depressive episodes and am never suicidal or dangerous to self)

WHY OH WHY did I BLURT THAT OUT???

For some reason I think I didn't really WANT that job. I didn't WANT to jump into the stress of lead negotiator and contract manager for a company which would entail working 50 hours a week.

I just NEEDED A JOB TO PROVIDE FOR THE KIDS on my own;
but WANT AND NEED BALANCE.

So at one level I thought, NOT GETTTING THAT RECORD EXPUNGED is a check and balance on my tendency toward workaholism.

But I realized today, that in fact I was UPSET that the actual complete CASE FILE DISAPPEARED, including all the EVIDENCE of the abuse in my relationship.

I don't want the story forgotten. I WANT SOMEONE, ANYONE TO HEAL AND LEARN AND GROW FROM IT..
and somehow, someday I WANT TO CHANGE OUR SYSTEMS
from IGNORING domestic violence
to actually HELPING all involved.

I mean that ALL

I don't want perpetrators demonized

But I don't want KIDS being told they can not live with a non violent parent and being forced to live with the violent one

Our courts HAVE TO DO BETTER.

Regardless of whether that parent grows and heals, I was reminded today that YES HE IS STILL ABUSIVE I mean OF COURSE although he learned not to physically abuse, how is it POSSIBLE that one who has ingrained patters of psychological control of others just suddently STOP all abusive habits?

I cognitively have KNOWN That, but it was a reminder when my son declared when I said I want to pass that BAR so someday I can THROW MYSELF INTO IMPROVING OUR SYSTEM WHICH FAILED US, and I WANT TO WRITE to help OTHERS someday... but now most of all I just want to FORGET for the most part, most of the time and not even THINK ABOUT IT ALL because I HAVE TO FUNCTION in a job and maintaining a home and providing a safe, secure place for them FOR NOW

MY son said OF COURSE YOU CAN'T NOW Because it is STILL GOING ON, YOU ARE STILL IN IT And you will be as long as the girls live with him.

Its true I can't really publicly write a piece other than my own journal which few read.

But it made me also realized as I thought about the act of seeking Expungement just WHY I have put it off and WHY I decided now I am NOT going to seek that.

It is the same reason IF anyone asks what I did for the years between working the last corporate job and the next I will answer the direct question with

I studied and took the BAR EXAM in VA and WV.

And if they ask the outcome I will say "I did not pass yet"

I am not afraid of truth, nor ashamed of it and feel a huge part of our troubles in the world are that people live in fear, in particular in FEAR of acknowledging and dealing with the TRUTH of not only their expeiences but of OTHER's experiences.

My son articulated that when I told him I was saddened upon going to the MLK March that as I drove up and got a parking space very easily it seemed to not be well attended. True there were hundreds there. But you know, I expected THOUSANDS like show up for the 4th of July parades all over. I expected it to be a representation of our community, not predominantly the BLACK COMMUNITY

I was shocked it had to be 80% Black and the other 20% were the small community of peace activists, hippys , the music educators who run a foundation to bring joy to the world, the SAME people one runs into in that activism circle- the Quakers, the same folks I met when riding with Sam's Ride for Peace, smattering of churchs and then school's representing .

My oldest girls here were so happy to see their friends play in the Jazz Band. They enjoyed both the march and the events afterward. We watched a movie , witnessing the labor march in 1963 in which 200,000 Americans of ALL RACES AND COLORING came together to demand decent and fair wages and equal treatment for ALL. It was a LABOR MARCH which is something I had not known, which culminated in the famous "I Have a Dream" Speech.

We watched Joan Baez sing, and other artists of the time and it was incredible to see the sea of people that came together in an orderly organized fashion.

80,000 volunteers made cheese sandwiches and packed and shipped them in boxes to Washington DC where they were made available to the marchers.

Its was such an incredible thing to see that much support and uniting over the shared interest of our country overcoming racism and seeking UNITY Of treating people the same regardless of the color of skin.

So it is now that I KNOW it is not just that I FORGOT to seek that expungement, but at this point I really don't WANT TO.

I have little desire to erase all evidence of my story.

I am no more ashamed of it than I am of my persistence and study and continued effort to pass the BAR and desire to fix our broken system someday.

I found some who chose to hire me DESPITE MY PAST.

So I am blessed to be in a good job I actually like for now .

I will continue to find others to provide for my family. I have not , nor will I ever fail in that.

I must continue to protect them as well.
And perhaps someday protect OTHER KIDS so I don't WANT TO COMPLETELY ERASE THE HISTORY.

WE NEED TO FORGIVE AND MOVE FORWARD, but I don't want the reality to be ignored and forgotten.

I came across this today and it really hit me, in part as I said to my son when talking about his half sister's panic attacks that happened this week that I am fortunate I don't have those. He told me, "YEs you do. I witnessed them. You had one in the court and it was heartbreaking that despite that the court just looked at you and told you you had to follow the rules and led you to sit down NEXT TO HIM. MOM you were hyperventilating and couldn't breath and started babbling"

I said "OH , I guess I just thought of that as the time I had a full blown breakdown in court when the insisted I sit NEXT to him"

He said "That is the same thing. That is what a panic attack is"

OH yeah, different nomenclature for the same feeling of not being able to breath. With that referent I UNDERSTAND my oldest child's characterization of it as FEELING LIKE YOU ARE DYING, but you are not.

Somehow I wanted to just google ARE KIDS IN ABUSIVE SITUATIONS OK WHEN THEY GROW THROUGH IT?

I just wanted to google and find STORIES of kids who grew up OK
I wanted to find stories of abuse in families that DID NOT culminate in tragedy.

I wanted to find stories of those who DIDN'T LEAVE BUT CAME OUT WHOLE (as my girls are there now!)

I didn't find those unfortunately. Perhaps, I HOPE THAT IS THE STORY I AM WRITING

I always intended such as I was writing of the years of working on issues The years of marriage counseling THE HOPE That there was growth , and help and that my then husband was open to change

I told my son I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT CHANGE IS POSSIBLE
because I HAVE TO BELIEVE HE IS NOT ABUSING THEM NOW

As they live with him most of the time. Granted this year he has been travelling for work so it has been about half and half. They are there HALF the time, and I HAVE TO BELIEVE and I DO BELIEVE he has come a long way and it is SAFE for them to be there.

I have to go to work now. But I might as well post this , as it makes me wonder

Once again, HOW MANY WOMAN have been called CRAZY and not believed because they can't keep their story straight when they tell it so therefore it can't be TRUE ( like me, so called evidence of my lack of veracity was me NOT KNOWING HOW MANY ROOMS WERE IN OUR MASSIVE HOUSE so therefore it was BELIEVED by the court the argument it was NOT MY HOME and I came to VA for a "taking" of HIS property. Our years of marriage and life here were DENIED in court that upheld a nuptial the his is his and stripped me of marital property)

I was choked I recall the hands on my throat when in NY after somehow I had knocked over some LEGOS Of all things. LEGOS I mean the grown man cared more about the @*(#%&@^ LEGOS in that moment than anything or anyone else. THE VIOLENCE in response of hands on my throat as I stood there before the little girls WHO WATCHED

http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/the-unseen-victims-of-traumatic-brain-injury-from-domestic-violence

How many women out there struggle as victims of VIOLENCE but are then just characterized CRAZY for a time?

That is a question I want to ask.

I want to invite THEM to the table of conversation and social participation.

One day.

Just not quite now, as for now I am going to forget about all of this and pretend that

my girls are in a safe place with their Dad

and hope it is actually true.

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