2016-04-26 - 7:39 p.m.

Its been a really busy month!

So much went on.

Personally, my highlight was going to see Soren's show at the Conservatory he was in, and getting to bring two of his half sisters with me.

Another highlight was the process and excitement of ALMOST landing what seemed like a perfect job for me! Alas, I think I blew it in the last interview with the CEO possibly when I was too honest... well, too blunt is more like it as my answer to his question when he asked
"So all straight As?"
wasn't EXACTLY honest,
when I replied
"Hell NO. Solid B-. I was one of those kids who would write the paper and forget to hand it in. A bit inconsistent."
He noted "But I see the accolades, moot court board..."

"Oh yes, I was always a winning debator, and did exceptional on any merit based competition. I do well with that kind of thing..."

Blah Blah Blah

I just talked TOO MUCH

and realized later I think for some reason I still perceived my academic career by my high school GPA
A more truthful response would have been, "In my graduate work I consistently had As"

Because I did.

Truth be told I haven't a clue what my GPA in Law School was. I went to a school that thought it a good idea to reduce cut throat competitiveness by shifting to some new grading system piloted by Yale which doesn't use the traditional metrics. H for honors, which I had my fair share of or I would not have gotten into Georgetown Law as a visiting student. I don't even recall the REST of the grades, but I DID get a solid B- in the classes that I took at Georgetown so I guess my response was fair enough. That was definitely due to the fact I took Evidence there and that was one beast of a course with so much memorization that I actually SLEPT through, as by the time I got there I was exhausted from the drive in!

Why the heck did I never take the commuter bus in then?

OH well...
This is on my mind as I got a super nice email back via Linked in from former director in the legal dept where I worked at the large corporation

He was happy to be my reference and I thanked him, letting him know I was sure they didn't call him since I didn't get an offer (I know between him and a couple other lawyers and sales directors that when someone calls my references I get an offer and when someone DOESNT cause they have a stronger candidate based on interviews that I then don't get an offer. That is the clear pattern)

ITs clear to me that being too blunt and too revealing in interviews is what kills possibilities for me. The thing is I don't really choose to change that as I want to land a job which is a perfect fit for my personality and lifestyle and life situation just now.

So here is the comment I just read " [Msafire]sorry to hear they did not extend an offer. No, they did not contact me. Their loss I think. Let me know if I can be of help for the next opportunity."

It just makes me happy every time I find a really nice job that I want and connect with old colleagues. It was nice to connect and even if to ask for help, they are very supportive and I appreciate it. It is also nice to hear how they are! This one told me about the family's new puppy which was fun to hear. The sales dudes all happen to live and work in Austin TX so I always give an update of my oldest as she lived there for a year before going back to college to finish up. They were a great team of people I enjoyed working with. They all left that former company we worked with as well.

So that happened.
And then I was GLAD to not have gotten an offer and be in a new job as just about two weeks later (When I WOULD have been starting a new job) KIDS NEEDS CAME FIRST and I had to leave work early .

I tell you when I interviewed for the job I am in, I had another opportunity. The other opportunity paid literally thirty thousand more per year (SERIOUSLY NO EXAGGERATION) but when I went into the office for a 2nd interview there I just did not get a good vibe. I had a REALLY good vibe with everyone I met along the way of landing this current job. My decision was truly one of instinct as I have learned to follow instinct.

I just wasn't feeling it for the other position.

I just know when to go with the gut.

So I took this job and let the other place know before they made an offer that I had accepted something.

That decision was validated in the past two weeks when I had to leave work and have the flexibility to meet the kids needs and I was able to without any worry whatsoever.

My boss supports me working remotely whenever needed.
Frankly my boss supports me coming in the office at whatever time I want and leaving when I want. I tend to work it out to work 40 hours, but she frankly doesn't even care if it is less. I am a contractor and the agency I work for seems pleased enough at my reliability and good work.

( I didn't really have the heart to give the excuses of kid stuff needing tending to when I had emergency need to leave work early... so I just kinda ledgered my hours and didn't give the advance notice they PREFER. But I think since that happened only a couple times the glitch from my norm will not be problematic with them. I am technically supposed to give ADVANCE notice for any schedule change. But the thing is, my boss doesn't care when I work so my hours end up funky anyway. I know some contractors just LIE and write in 8-4:430 every day even if they work different hours. I don't do that, but ledger EXACTLY the time I work and hope that doesn't work against me. Its a weird thing but I notice honestly generally DOES work against people -- yet I remain straightforward and honest despite that!

I KNOW that my co worker who's hours on paper look like 8-4:30 every day would LOOK like the more dependable employee. The reality is however that she comes in at 10 AM many days and leaves at 4 to beat the traffic to and from DC. Because of her long commute our boss is totally supportive of that, and has no concern about her actual 5 to 6 hours normal work days even though they are being billed for 8. I have no concern either.... that's not about me or by business in the least.
The thing is thought that when we take that long lunch (which is the social thing to do, and it happens often in my office), BECAUSE I am a contractor and my penchant for being so honest, I just stay late to make up for it. So today was a social lunch with coworkers , meaning I worked 9-6 instead of 9-5:30 cause I just COULDN"T bring it to myself to do otherwise.

I sometimes look around and wonder if there is something WRONG with me that I believe it so important to be honest.

Seriously

It doesn't seem to be a social norm and I wonder if this in fact HARMs me.

I feel like that was one of the things my immediate boss at the last job who wanted to get rid of me had an issue with. When the NORM is people come in and work 6 hours days, it can be uncomfortable if you suddenly have someone in the mix coming in earlier and leaving later and not going with the flow but doing their own thing. It can make OTHERS uncomfortable.

Some think the person who is different thinks them better than others and assume the person is judging them.

I think that assumption comes as MANY who are inflexible and rather anal like this ARE judgmental.

But for me I couldn't care less about what others do, and don't consider myself that anal type of personality.. but I just have this darned thing about HONESTY.

And I do find it a bit annoying to have to negotiate and manage my values and the mainstream work world...

CE la vie...

Don't want to write too much about the kids issues here but to say one is still having panic attacks, another is depressive and having occasional suicidal ideologies..

and to emphasize

PARENTS WHAT YOU DO MATTERS

WE ALL DO WHAT WE CAN

but pay attention to HOW you are doing things
and educate yourselves and be open to learning and growing and trying to be the best parent you can be.

No one is perfect.
Being a parent does not come with an instruction manual as they say,
but there are a hell of a lot of resources out there to turn to for support in learning what have been proved to be BEST PRACTICES.

Trust in those who have STUDIED these things!

Trust that if there are a BUNCH of studies out there that indicate depression and things like panic attacks and psychological problems INCREASE in ADULTS who as children were exposed to PHYSICAL DISCIPLE that there just MIGHT be a better way.

Hell it is worth trying.

There are NO STUDIES that indicate NOT HITTING YOUR KIDS AND NOT YELLING WILL HARM THEM.

The adage "SPARE THE ROD, SPOIL THE CHILD" really doesn't have much scientific support

HOWEVER

when MAPPING THE BRAIN
and taking things like MRIs and NUROLOGICAL IMAGING and scientifically based studies

there ARE studies that show actual BRAIN DAMAGE from physical violence, from TBI when one is hit in the head... from trama exposed to...

SO this happened this week:

KIDS had issues

NOT too surprising

GOOD NEWS IS

All Are alive
even if not well

WELL ENOUGH

Getting BY and I hope getting better every day

I hope HEALING Every day

I unfortunately discovered I still have my OWN anger over these issues. As when on the phone with the girl's Dad in trying to explain in response to the question of what the one kid is having panic attacks over
that PANIC ATTACKS most often have NOTHING to do with the immediate moment, but are a reaction to PAST
and that after all this kid did grow up with more than anyone's fair share of exposure to volitity, when asked
"What are you talking about? Like WHAT?"

I likely could have been more diplomatic than saying
"Come on, you know I don't sugar coat things... But this kid did see her Mother thrown up against a wall with hands on the throat being choked.. That could have a lasting effect of trama"

The response was "That never happened"
and I was very specific in replying
"YES it did, it was after I accidently [not sure if I said here"knocked over" or "messed up"] your legos; YOUR LEGOS!"

To which point I was hung up on...

I MEAN I HAVE NO INTENTION TO BLAME
That was not my point... but I kinda got sick of the DENIAL of the REALITY Of the problem that our kids now have trama due to PAST ABUSE.

I mean just acknowledge the mistakes of the past and MOVE ON TO HEAL THEM

DENIAL DOESN'T HELP ANYONE

FORGIVENESS AND HEALING WILL HELP

LOVE WILL HELP

IF YOU had an imperfect and abusive moment as a parent

YOU THE PARENT Are the BEST PERSON TO HEAL THOSE WOUNDS YOU INFLICTED.

HELL if you don't God Willing Someone else will eventually come along and heal your kid's wounds.

BUt why WOULD YOU NOT YOURSELF WANT TO OWN UP AND TRY?????

Just TRY YOUR BEST

And you are not even trying if you yourself are STILL IN DENIAL

STOP LIVING IN FEAR and start being open to actual LOVE

It is such a wimpy, fear based, self protectionist stance to lock oneself in the stronghold of denial.

I am judgmental.

Truly judgmental of those who are too afraid to change and stay stuck for too long.

Denial is one thing that really gets my ire.

Or makes ME just run away and not want to spend time with someone.

THAT IS MY pattern.

After giving someone ample time to get their shit together I then just move on...
as life is too short for ME to remain stuck in stagnant.

I refuse to.

So life for me is good now as despite it all, I do not feel stagnated.

I DO feel sad some days.

Sad when reading children's writing of why they wonder if it is worth living because they feel such pain and want to be relieved of it.

That makes me sad.

But I bounce out of it and am not stagnated by it and pick up to phone to talk to the other parent to work together to coordinate and be sure the kids get care.

Dad is good about taking them to counseling. That is truly essential.

I found a counselor and brought one child a couple of times, but since he has of late not been traveling every other week as he had regularly been doing , it seems back to them being with him more often again than one week here and one week there (which it HAD BEEN but always last moment so it wasn't like I could plan ahead anyway for a counseling apt on a regular basis)

The other issue is of course its $40 a pop co-pay. I brought the kid when she needed it as that was priority, but she is doing OK and Dad is following up for her.

I am glad for that as at first he seemed unwilling and not wanting to miss work to do so. I am GLAD he changed his tune. I have a flexible boss so its good I can do so as well.

So the good news is we are TRYING to co parent to the extent we can.

I screwed up a bit in that cooperative spirit I am sure by my comments.

There was a second recent phone call I made to be sure Dad knew of the suicidal comments I discovered when cleaning. I had mentioned this to him MONTHS ago as this child goes to a Psychiatrist for ADHD and I wanted him to be sure to mention the depression symptoms I was seeing. I told him months back I was rather sure I was seeing actual depression. This child has not been excited or enthusiastic about much and has really needed encouragement to do ANYTHIHNG. I am very proud she wrote some work and had a few moments of joy at winning a contest. That was something at least, but other than that she rarely seems happy of late. ITs been going on a long time.

So I called Mon morning just to follow up and ask if he talked to the therapist she was brought to specifically about suicidal idealization having been articulated by this child.
He said YES and then told me to just get the notebook I saw the comments written in. I said "NO I am not going to violate her privacy. She needs to have a safe space to write , I am not crossing that boundary"

He found that ridiculous

I said NO if I TAKE her journal she may not write anymore.

He believes a kid has no right to privacy

I told him I didn't know what it was in, but it was something I saw written when cleaning.. .(true)

Now I believe if someone is TRULY sensing their kid is in danger... for example NEEDS TO FIND OUT what is wrong and if their kid needs help, as in suspects drug usage , destructive behavior, is worried and thinks their kid MIGHT Be suicidal well then SURE a parent not only has a right but I think an OBLIGATION to snoop around and find out what the hell is going on SO THEY CAN HELP THEIR KID

No rights are absolute most obviously, especially for your own child you are ultimately RESPONSBILE for...
but in this case WE KNOW ALREADY her issues! I mean no need to not allow her SOME PRIVACY of a SAFE PLACE TO ARTICULATE HERSELF TO HERSELF FOR HER OWN WELL BEING!! Journaling is one of the BEST things to do for ones own mental health! I am obviously a strong believer in that process.

Its the PROCESS which is healing.

So writing in a safe place without fear of anyone reading it would be one of the most therapeutically IMPORTANT THINGS THAT I THINK A PARENT CAN OFFER A KID FOR THEIR OWN HEALING!!

Letting a kid BE THEMSELF
is what is needed for the child's spirit to be whole.

To me, that is the whole source of her brokenness in the FIRST PLACE.

She doesn't yet know who she is, and doesn't feel like she is being given the space to find that out.

She is impulsive and impatient and likely CRAVES THIS at a younger age than many kids.

So she is a little precocious in her , as she calls it "existential crisis"

That moment doesn't usually happen when a kid is that young, and I think typically happens in later (albeit still "early") adolescence.

So this kid tried to stage her own intervention to save herself.

Nobel effort

Didn't work

You can't save yourself from your own parents (short of them breaking the law), until emancipated.

Age 18 unless you petition the court earlier, and she is no idiot.. she understands the challenges of working and trying to live on minimum wage without a high school education make putting up with a super strict and sometimes abusive parent the only option and just make that idea of emancipation not seem like a viable option.

But I trust she is smart enough to know killing herself or committing murder are ALSO not viable options for happiness.

So I don't worry so much anymore about one of these kids losing it, or their Dad losing it like I used to. I think all the kids are old enough and smart enough that won't happen.

I used to legit have fear of that however.

Considering there was another incident of domestic violence yet again,
not an unfounded fear that kids might rail against the spare the rod spoil the child philosophy if they are hit with a rod just one time too often.

I found out however that I hadn't really released my OWN anger which I thought I had when in discussing why I would not violate the boundry of taking my child's journal

I said

WHY NOT???

"Because I want HER To have safe place to write

And I LEARNED WHEN I SHARED MY JOURNAL WITH SOMEONE SEEKING HELP that it WAS NOT Respected

you should remember as it was YOUR attorney who came up with some bullshit excuse that evidence had to be destroyed as there was not enough storage room in the old courthouse so it was DESTROYED

My journal was not respected"

HE replied
"I don't want to hear about your psychological problems" and he hung up.

I realized it was again, not the most diplomatic choice of words in this endeavor to co-parent and provide the best possible care for our child who is now depressed and has suicidal ideologies.

She staged her OWN intervention, BELIEVING that our systems could HELP HER

I understand her despair.

I get it.

I understand her anxiety at the thought of her internet access being cut off.

I GET IT.

Which is why I am not too upset that even though I called to take an internet vacation, someone my internet is still up.

Ir gives a sense of SAFETY to believe you can be connected to the outside world when you are living under the thumb of an abuser.

I GET IT.

SHE STILL LIVES WITH HER ABUSER.

Things are never black and white

They are grey

He is her father and I am sure he loves her

and I am sure she will grow and learn to forgive and find that she loves him as well

Because we are all still here

And she may not have succeeded in her intervention BUT at some level she has.

Her voice was heard

Maybe not fully understood by her father.

But maybe he does GET IT to a greater extent than before

NO ONE IS LOOKING TO BLAME

THIS CHILD LIKE ALL HIS

LIKE YOUR CHILD READER IF YOU ARE A PARENT

REALLY WANTS NOTHING MORE THAN YOUR LOVE

Forget all that bullshit of the past when you failed as a parent.
Forget in the one sense, but not in another

FORGET IT ENOUGH TO NOT LIVE IN FEAR OF JUDGEMENT SO YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD IN LOVE

YES DISCIPLINE AND HAVE CONSEQUENCES FOR INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR

That will be real tough love

Cut off the electronics, enforce healthy lifestyles, enforce bedtimes....and NORMAL HEALTHY BOUNDARYS by not letting you kid bully siblings, classmates, Do not accept disrespect of parents, teach respect for authority

But do so consistently with consequences and NOT HARMFUL ANGER
or Violence

don't lay a hand on your kid

don't beat the crap out of them , or their mother

don't do things like punch them in the head, smash a picture frame over their head, drag them out of the house by the hair in the middle of the night, throw your hands in a choke hold while saying " I could kill you" watching the breathing inhibited..
Those are PSYCHOTIC EPISODES OF VIOLENCE not loving discipline.... not to mention you don't "discipline" your spouse or even fucking ever CORRECT your spouse OR OTEHR PARENT in front of the kids...

just a few pointers

you can have "tough love" without psychotic violence..

a few more pointers

If you pummel the arms of a childs mother so she is bruised and hit her in the head in front of the kids

Those kids just MIGHT HAVE SOME EMOTIONAL SCARS

PANIC ATTACKS AND DEPRESSION might crop up

EVEN IF A DOZEN YEARS LATER

If you SCREAM AND YELL PROFANITIES TO HER

THE KIDS WILL HEAR

If you tell the kids "YOUR WORTHLESS" they WILL BELIEVE THEY ARE WORTHLESS

If the negative messages you give far outweigh the number of positive ones.

Why the fuck would you ever then be surprised if your kids has some self esteem issues????

So by all means FORGET YOUR PAST WAYS AND MOVE ON WITH NEW ONES

But forget only insofar as you FORGET THE OLD DESTRUCTIVE PATTERNS AND KNOW YOU CAN BE A NEW PERSON to a large extent

Don't forget that in a MOMENT that WAS WHO YOU WERE and your kids ARE NOW A REFLECTION OF YOU IN THAT MOMENT

SHOW THEM THE OTHER SIDE OF YOU

REMEMBER FURTHER BACK And reclaim your INNOCENCE.

REMEMBER that you DO KNOW how to communicate without screaming, without negative shaming, without projection of your own wounding scars and insecurities onto others.

REMEMBER THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR THESE KIDS AND THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT THE DOMINANT MESSAGE TO BE

REMEMBER THAT GOD LOVES YOU AND FORGIVE YOU BUT YOU CAN NOT FORGIVE YOURSELF UNTIL YOU FACE YOURSELF

These kids love you too.

REMEMBER that the kid who wonder's why she is alive had THE MOST JOY this past year when YOU PRAISED HER ART WORK.

She was overjoyed.

She said "Even Dad said it was good!"

It was a computer animation, and it meant EVERYTHING to her to have YOUR LOVE AND YOUR PRIDE AND PRAISE.

That little bit of honest complimenting is really what these kids need.

OTHERS try to fill that void, but no one CAN do so as adeptly as you could.

It means more coming from you.

My intent is not to blame, but to ask you to stop the denial so that the healing can CONTINUE.

Denial just is an impediment to that process.

And this fucking "I don't want to hear about your psychological problems" defense needs to just stop.

That worked in a court system rather well... make the other parent seem crazy. Its a really bad way to try to make oneself look good.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out if someone is not mentally stable SOMETHING WENT WRONG in their ENVIRONMENT SOMEWHERE .

Society never wants to BLAME anyone. The trouble I have is there is also a huge denial or reality and then NO ACCOOUNTABILITY For fear of "Blaming" That is just bullshit.

Mental illness doesn't just *HAPPEN* YES there may be genetic PREDISPOSITION To stressors in the environment such that some can weather trauma to their system more than others. Some go to war and come back OK but the truth is NONE COME BACK WITHOUT SCARS, and we are finding out MORE COME BACK DAMAGED with PTSD than previously understood.

Domestic Violence leaves no less a toll on families and our communities.

Get your head out of the sand with the attacking of the mental wellness of VICTIMS to try to SHAME AND BLAME THEM.

When a woman is rendered psychologically impaired for a time DUE TO HAVING BEEN THE UNFORTUANTE VICTIM of domestic violence,

It really doesn't make the perpetrator look any better to then try to use the tactic of SHAME AND BLAME of the victim to ALLEVIATE HIMSELF/HERSELF from responsibility.

It doesn't save your pride.

It is just simply sad.

And NO ONE just becomes mentally ill in any capacity without SOME environmental factor triggering it! The trouble is there are many triggers we DON"T KNOW and CAN'T CONTROL.

What makes me angry is that DOMESTIC VIOLENCE Is one of the FEW Triggers that CAUSES SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS WHICH CAN BE MITIGATED AND AVOIDED!!! Its just a simple matter of NOT CHOOSING DENIAL and SEEKING HELP AND EDUCATION TO BECOME A BETTER PERSON OR WILLFULLY CHOOSING TO NOT PUT ONESELF IN THE SITUATION OF THE STRESSORS!!!

Kudo's to the alcoholics who go to AA and avoid alcohol and just make the tough choice to NOT GO PLACES where the triggers and pitfalls that contribute environmentally to their illness are present. THEY REMAIN WELL and functional and lead better lives, HAPPIER lives, and their CHILDREN LEAD HAPPIER LIVES. MANY ARE GOOD PARENTS albeit alcoholics.

The anger ADDICT could be AS RESPONSIBLE as the responsible alcoholic parent who SEEKS ONGOING SUPPORT OR if they can't handle it
KNOWS ENOUGH TO AVOID THE STRESSOR AND ENVIORONMENT

These responsible parents do things like have SUPPORT , others to help with kids, be it the other parent, outsourced help, boarding school, summer programs WHATEVER... NO COST IS TOO MUCH they come up with the resources they need to KEEP THIER FAMILY WELL and healthy.

It can be done.

I WITNESSED some years in which in OUR FAMILY THAT WAS DONE

But if you pull out the supports
then one can allow the dysfunctional patterns to re-emerge.

How the hell can one be vigilant and strong enough to prevent that from happening if one is in DENIAL of the problem???

Kids DO grow fast.

Lets just do it right

the BEST WE CAN
so at least they don't have to take AS MANY years in therapy healing their wounds. Maybe we parents can help them heal some before we let them of off alone into the world.

I read the question posed just this week which made me think of this in my local paper as there were THREE HOMICIDES this year due to domestic violence in my county:

WHAT CAN WE DO TO ADDRESS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

#1 STOP BEING IN DENIAL

That means LISTEN to victims who ARE BRAVE ENOUGH to tell their stories

You cops out there PRESERVE EVIDENCE It doesn't help anyone when there is denial and changing of history to try to pretend the problem does not exist.

#2 EDUCATE our COURTS OUR JUDGES

TO LEARN TO ACTUALLY LISTEN TO KIDs

This means law guardians need to actually do their jobs. They can't if they don't do actual due diligence and are too lazy to truly investigate. You HAVE TO TALK TO KIDS NOT IN THE PRESENCE OF THEIR PARENTS and ask open ended , not leading questions, but actually ASK the right questions. More important than that however is truly paying attention and hearing the answers. My kids feedback unanimously was that their law guardian was an idiot. I heard from most of my kids that she did not listen to them (this was unprompted by me, and years later in odd moments... like when one of the younger one seemed REALLY ANGRY about it upon finding her card when we were cleaning her bedroom. )

LAWYERS AND COURTS learn to recognize and understand what the hell PTSD is. A woman doesn't have a fucking Breakdown in court when she is forced to sit next to her abuser she is trying to flee from WITHOUT CAUSE.

And for God's sake WHY would a court DO THAT????

That was just such a travesty of justice right there. I don't know What the hell they were thinking and to this day it is clear I still have a fair amount of anger at the sham my local circuit court made of so called justice when I was seeking protection FOR My CHILDREN and myself.

#3 STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM

#4 ACCEPT EVIDENCE OTHER THAN A DEAD BODY THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM

The real problem is that ALL THE EVIDENCE HAS BEEN AND IS THERE BUT EVERYONE FUCKING IGNORES IT UNTIL THERE IS A FATALITY

Then they all ask

"What could we do differently?"

How about ACTUAL PROTECTION rather than a bullshit so called "Protective ORDER"

THE LAW is clearly not equipt to deal with this issue if one thinks a piece of paper and an "order" is sufficient incentive for someone who has a problem of not having rational self control and lashes out in anger. Many acts of domestic violence are well thought out and actually RATIONAL ACTS out of absolute FEAR and HATRED. I think hate is always really rooted in FEAR Its a narcissistic fear that the other person somehow is harming them... a view of twisting the vision to see the other person as such a threat OR such hatred that the perpetrator doesn't WANT that person to experience joy (or anything else) ever again as the perpetrator has OBJECTIVIED the person as their own PROPERTY and if they can't have the person no one else can.

HOW ABOUT STOP COMPLAINING THAT MOST VICTIMS TEND TO LOSE NERVE AND DROP THEIR CHARGES OR NOT COOPERATE BUT THEN HYPOCRITCALLY YOU THE STATE BEOCOME SOFT AND LOSE YOUR NERVE AND GIVE UP ON TRYING YOUR CASE WHEN IT COMES TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Why the hell does THE STATE lose ITS NERVE??

Why the hell does THE STATE bring these charges and then time and time again come up with PLEA BARGAINS that if the violent perpetrator has no incident for a year then the charges will be DROPPED??

YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW how easy it is for violent persons to move to another state for a year, then have that expunged.. and then go do things like BUY A GUN in the name of a TRUST

OH YEAH

#5 TOUGH GUN CONTROL LAWS PEOPLE WITH VIOLENT HISTORIES SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO PURCHASE GUNS IN THE NAME OF A TRUST

I mean, there seems to be something fundamentally wrong with a system when a mother is threatened with death on more than one occasion, her kids are abused on more than one occasion with physical EVIDENCE Of such, and then the perpetrator GETS CUSTODY and is able to BUY GUNS AND TEACH THOSE KIDS TO HUNT.

GUNS IN THE HOUSE

I every day am happy no one has been killed there.

So
#5 BE RESPONSBIVE, Vigilant, Involved
Police, courts, don't just IGNORE but also be a bit smart to know when your flawed systems are being manipulated HERE IS A TIP.... VICTIMS DONT USE THE SYSTEM. Plain and simple. Those using the systems are those who are playing a game. Victims are living life and not planning for litigation or being defensive. Those who do well in our systems, be it court or schools, etc... tend to be people who are figuring out the rules of the game and PLAYING IT IN THEIR FAVOR. REAL Victims are too busy with SURVIVING. When you are at the bottom of the Maslow rung you don't have time to figure out the rules and even play the game. SO those WORKING IN OUR SYSTEM NEED TO LEARN TO RECOGNIZE "PLAYERS" And Wise up to when you are BEING PLAYED!! SERIOUSLY

This is true in every system. Learn about the destructiveness of mistruths of "group think" and how easily players manipulate and then

DO YOUR DUE DIGILENCE.

This is the number one thing for professionals in our systems

YOU HAVE A HUGE RESPONSBILITY TO DO YOUR DUE DILIGENCE AND ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS TO THE RIGHT PEOPLE THEY WILL NOT BE THE ONES COMING BEFORE YOU FOR THE MOST PART.
They will be the ones hovering , hesitantly in the shadows terrified to come forward OR Else too darn busy with the business of basic survival to worry about what the hell anyone else thinks in the moment.

REACH OUT TO FAMILIES which I see this community I am in IMPROVING or at least trying to.... We have a resource person at one school who calls every once in a while to check on how things are going and get feedback from parents and I really truly appreciate this. I feel like if there IS A FAMILY in the troughs of crisis this relationship building is so very important and someone who needs help just might feel like there is someone to turn to. IT can be done from ANY ORGANIZATION.

#6 Teachers can do a lot just BY Offering kids opportunities to SHINE! Getting their parents involved in celebrating the successes of kids. These kids who are getting predominantly negative messages are CRAVING approval, and schools DO WONDERS in not only trying their best to meet that need but also in helping the parents who tend to be overly critical to see the accomplishments and opportunities to be proud of their child! (THANK YOU SCHOOLS! I BELIEVE YOU AND THE MANY WONDERFUL TEACHERS DO THIS WELL AND PERSONALLY I THINK WITHOUT IT THERE WOULD BE MORE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!! DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF YOUR PRESENCE, SUPPORT WITH BOTH KIDS AND THEIR PARENTS!!! In my case a child who kept getting in trouble with Dad and got consistent negative messages from him won an academic award which to be honest I think could have gone to a number of kids. I feel like the school gave it to her as that particular school at that time RECOGNIZED she just NEEDED SOMETHING POSITIVE. That kid went on to feel so PROUD of herself and she then followed a pattern of BELIEVING she is GOOD, WORTHY, TALENTED, CAPABLE AND SMART and that one award for both character and academic performance and a consistent positive attitude I FEEL did more to heal the messages "YOU ARE WORTHLESS" than anything else. That child IS Doing well and has learned to disregard those messages of not being good enough, of being worthless etc. as not about her but coming from the speaker's critical nature and misguided belief that to cut someone down will make them strive to be better, and not a reflection of her at all. ) When teachers send a loving note to parents telling them how wonderful their kid is, that can go a LONG way in actually impacting that parent's view of their child. You never know when YOUR NOTE TEACHER just saved a kid from being hit today.

#7 Community organizations WHO REACH OUT To families who are not involved to invite them to be may find some success. The more involved in community weather it be church, school, sports organizations, civic organizations, THE LESS ISOLATED FAMILIES ARE. VIOLENCE HAPPENS WHEN THERE IS ISOLATION. I know I just repeated this, but it is so important I don't care. Just keep thinking it and assigning more random numbers to this point please... # 1 ad infinitam...)

Healthy involvement in community helps a lot in prevention of family violence. If someone has SUPPORT of friends to bounce things off, or friends who share what works as a parent, the uninitiated parent might be less inclined to lose it with their kid.

as VIOLENCE OCCURS MOST WHEN IN ISOLATION

If families are insular and isolated, there is a higher risk of violence. When families have healthy interaction with others then there is a decrease in domestic violence.

YEAH so it is rather good in the end I didn't get a new job . We still have stuff to deal with as evidenced when one kid tried to stage her own intervention. She doesn't quite understand that things don't work the way the marketing of them pretends they will...
"Liberty and Justice for All" is really just market speak,
Child Protective Services is really not actually able to provide protection for children in most cases,

Liberty and Justice for SOME
Child Protection for some... a few....

and the reality is that there is no where where kids feel more imprisoned and where parents have greater freedom than in homes.

Sorry kid
your out of luck

I suppose in the end your father's view that you are his property might be more accurate than I would like to believe.

As an adult I could LEAVE and decide I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE APPENDAGE OF A NARCISSIT AND AN OBJECTIVIED PIECE OF PROPERTY OF A MYSOGINISTIC MAN...
but kid, you have to wait until you are 18 to leave unless your Dad and I both come up with an agreement otherwise.

The courts failed us, and I was in the court system for Eight or Nine YEARS OF MY LIFE after I left trying to protect you...
so I really think I need to just accept our system did not prove to live up to its marketing.

I clearly still have some anger around the feeling that my family has been failed by our formal systems in many ways.

but what the hell, maybe their Dad will heal the wounds he caused...
maybe there is less and less likelihood of continuing violence with each stage of someone intervening. We had courts, we had battles ongoing for years keeping us in the system in the community...
what do I know
Maybe I wouldn't be here and perhaps I should be THANKING the school system for having started their assault on my parenting way back when the youngest had major separation anxiety and terror of not seeing me and would freak out not wanting to go to school and leave me, and the truant officer started her mission of somehow changing that situation. Maybe I would have been dead by now had we not been in the courts for those years.... I mean it was 2006 when I left my husband and the VA Supreme Court case throwing out that ligation of the lower court making me a CRIMINAL for my kid's school tardys was not resolved until 2014 (or was it 2015?? A ridiculously long time to have divorce related court proceedings regardless... and after all, that is really all that was about. The truant case was a manipulation in the ongoing attack of my custody).

So sorry kids, I just am not feeling like battling through the courts as I have lost my faith in them.

Negotiation and coming to agreement and understanding without turning to the courts offers a better chance at finding common ground and coming to agreement such that there can be some continued peaceful resolution.

At least I hope you have had some peace.

In good news this past weekend with my girls was a nice one, and I am sure we will continue to have some nice relaxing weekends.

The intervention didn't exactly work the way my daughter envisioned it, but maybe it was helpful as a catalyst to face some continued issues.

Maybe she really DID good by her effort. Perhaps it was helpful and the conversations, ableit not graceful on my part, will aid in acknowledging and addressing some dormant issues.

When the kids are facing panic attacks and depression it is rather hard to KEEP ignoring those underlying issues I think.

Spring break was market by therapy for one...
Current and upcoming weeks, therapy for more kids...

Perhaps this is in fact progress

and the continued process of healing.

At least it might be some sort of breakthrough of the denial, or at the very least an opportunity for such.

In good news, Dad of girl having depression said "I think her problem is she doesn't have enough to do"

AGREED
I think the best healing and therapeutic activity comes when one is engaged in productive activity.

I am not surprised to see depression cropping up correlating with a decrease in physical exercise as well as decreased sleep either. So the technology ban for the time being might help in resetting the circadian rhythm for this one particular child of ours.

She needs to get into a better sleep routine, and after such I told her she can have the reward of computer time. I want her to be in bed on time (by 9pm, asleep by 10pm) for a whole week or two when with me before I would consider having computer access available to her. I told her she needs to cut off ALL ELECTRONICS TWO HOURS before bed if she is having trouble falling asleep. 7pm optimally.

Speaking of which, it is 11pm now, about two hours past MY OPTIMAL BEDTIME!!

I like to go to sleep around 9 and then have energy to get up at around 5:30 in the morning or 6:30 at the latest to get a morning run in.

Its quite amazing that if I run in the morning I am NOT tired throughout the day.

If I DO NOT exercise in the morning, it doesn't even matter how much sleep I get, whether 7.5 hours, 9 or even more I will be falling asleep, dozing throughout the day!!

I INTENDED to go to bed early tonight as I was up late the past two nights to about 11pm!!!

I did commit to running the MCM in October!!

I am very excited about this and have been regularly running.
I feel really good myself (but for the small moment of being sad for my girls! That hit yesterday, but I am feeling much better today)

I am excited about a few upcoming things:

One is a concert for a Sweet 16 which will be fun to do with one daughter. Taking her to see one of her favorite bands

One other thing is running another 5K with the family. This time the oldest two kids won't be with me, but I do look forward to an upcoming run with the four girls.
This weekend I went shopping with two of them and bought them new running sneakers and one of them went running with me Sunday morning which was super nice.

I think if I can get these girls to exercise regularly with me, eat healthy and get their sleep that should help their mental well being.

The other things we have been doing which I hope helps is going to a Hatha Yoga class.

Its funny that was on my own personal bucket list for over twenty years and I actually never made it to a class until now! Seems it has come to me when I need it most-
Now when my children need it.

They might SAY they don't like it, but I can vouch that my one daughter was in a downright rotten angry mood when she came to me last weekend (because her sister's misbehavior foible HER plans with me for the weekend and now suddenly we had a third wheel on our planned trip to her brother's show), and she SAID she didn't want to go to yoga. I convinced her and her mood was GREATLY and noticeably improved afterwards. Likewise for her sister who resisted a bit during the class, but who actually seemed to submit and relax and I think got something out of it as well as she too seemed to be in a better mood afterwards.

Yoga and running

and oh yeah
Latin Dancing about once a month.... Life is good FOR ME, so perhaps my theory that when one has a lot of stuff to deal with it won't come up until they are in a SAFE PLACE in an HEALTHY PLACE in which to deal with it is true. I am feeling quiet healthy of late, so perhaps the fact this hidden crap is resurfacing is in fact a GOOD SIGN.

Perhaps their Dad is in a healthy place too and ready to actually face some of the stuff which needs healing.

I like to believe so.
Perhaps he has something in his life bringing him peace and joy and keeping him grounded so that he can be there to help his girls heal.

I think , as I told my coworkers, that in a way we are LUCKY that the girls are dealing with all these issues NOW rather than LATER when they go off to college. It think it healthier for them to deal with this stuff WITH THEIR PARENTS than to have to go it alone when they leave home, that is, as long as their parents are in a healthy enough place to face the issues and grow through them and help the kids address their issues.

This is the thing I wanted to impress upon their father, For GOD'S sake THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
THIS IS THE GIRLS STUFF We just happen to be the biggest part of THIER world, so can't ignore our part in their world and in their issues. BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. So don't be so damn defensive and self protectionist and lets just help them grow through the residual they are working through.

But I realized I STILL Need some healing as my perspective was so informed by my past....

Don't we all struggle with that to some extent? How to support others without being limited by our own perspective?

Which leaves me with the very first thought I had. I seriously had intended to come on line and send just one simple email of thanks to a responding officer who assisted with my one child in her seeming crisis moment ( her naïve attempt at intervention) . What she did was run off from school. She seemed to THINK she would not have to return home to where she believes she is not being respected and feels so squashed in spirit. She doesn't understand that there can only be an intervention when there is profound physical violence, but when there is psychological abuse, even if the abuse is very real, that it is MUCH harder for anyone to ever capture evidence and intervene.

So her naïve belief at being saved did not come to fruition.

And I also don't think that she needs saving just in this moment. I think she and her Dad need that healing together. I believe no one can help her heal as best as he can. He is after all her Father and will always be her Father. So it seems to me best for her and him to heal that relationship together, and that running away never helps anyone heal the wounds in a relationship. It makes sense to not try to heal ALL relationships and sometimes to RUN FAST TO GET AWAY, but when the relationship is with a PARENT I don't think that tactic makes much sense.

I intended to just send a simple email to the teachers and the responding officer who helped her when she was found after her flight from school that occurred when she heard her Dad was there to pick her up. She had some weird thought in her head he was trying to destroy her happiness and she somehow thought if she wasn't with him she could go to an open house for a new school that night, but then somehow she didn't even think to ASK me to take her, even though she mentioned days later when I asked WHY DID YOU RUN OFF? That she said she was afraid he wouldn't take her. IT didn't occur to me actually until JUST NOW that she INTENDED to ask ME TO TAKE HER!

AH NOW It is clearer what she was doing.... Apparently there was an open house THAT NIGHT for a technology school she applied to. She was disappointed she did not get into TJ, nor did she get into Academy of Science, but it turns out there is yet ANOTHER opening: An engineering and technology school so it is her last shot at going to a school emphasizing those disciplines.

Now I get it why he said something to me like as a consequence he is going to forbid her from going to that school!
OH!! SO HER FEAR WAS NOT UNFOUNDED
and her fear of his attempt to de-rail her efforts to secure her own happiness by applying to a program she believes will bring her joy actually seems to be a very realistic fear which is in fact coming to fruition!

She believes he will try to destroy anything she loves.

I can't argue too much with that as I recall this man punching a hole in my drum and breaking things of mine that were important to me, and smashing my oldest daughter's violin, and crashing to bits all the knick knacks of my son's which were given by his uncles and destroying things which kids love...

So I now understand more clearly her fear of him taking away her books and not allowing her access to anything she loves, and her fear he would thwart her efforts to go to this school.

I didn't get it when she said she ran off because that was the night of the open house and she was afraid he wouldn't being her that she thought I WOULD BRING HER, as my response in the moment was "That makes no sense, as Dad was picking you up from school but you wanted to go to the open house, which he would have had to take you back to go to so why would running off prevent him from NOT taking you back to it?"

Funny when I look at my kids problems and see how they are trying to resolve them it most often doesn't occur to me that I AM A FACTOR in their plan at resolution! At least not immediately....I separate myself in their rational , so it didn't occur to me until NOW she intended on ME taking her to the open house and was so fearful he would not bring her that it seemed worth it to refuse to go home with him and then go with me. AMAZING....That is THAT IMPORTANT TO HER.

I just don't get it why he would then say he forbids her to go there and he is writing a letter to the school saying she can not attend? IT makes no sense to me. I mean if your kids wants to do something SO BADLY they will go to great lengths because it is THAT IMPORTANT and it is something like a REALLY GOOD SCHOOL, doesn't it make more sense to do all you can to SUPPORT THEM in that dream???

OF COURSE SHE INTENDED TO ASK ME TO TAKE HER TO THE OPEN HOUSE

but then she forgot about it, in true ADD fashion.

Ironic as it turns out that was what she TOLD me the motivation for running out of school was.
But it is rather twisted if you ask me, in particular as WHY THE HECK IS THAT IMPORTANT TO HER IN THE FIRST PLACE??? DOESN"T HE THE ENGINEER SEE TO WIN HIS APPROVAL!

Amazing as someone as smart as him doesn't get that. All this kid REALLY WANTS is the love and approval and support of BOTH HER PARENTS. She is emotionally being torn apart by his consistent criticism.

Anyway...
I will end where I intended to begin my writing as now I really am going to sleep. I THOUGHT Of the email. A simple one I never did send to the teachers and resource officers.

THANK YOU for your help.

We all do the best we can.

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