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2016-05-23 - 11:41 p.m.

AH Figured out my finances and the other 1/3 has been going to TAXES

I just completely FORGOT that my INITIAL plan of saving a big chunk of my check was UNREALISTIC based on my ACTUAL income AFTER TAXES!!

It would have worked perfectly but for that small thing!

I totally FORGOT that when I ran the numbers way back when I started this job that I could not afford to actually save much. I FORGOT I decided just to save in the account I use all the time, as it turned out that EVEN IF declining health insurance (as it was too costly) that not having that expense STILL didn't enable me to save that much a month for furture.

At the time I was thinking I would rather put that amount of money in savings that pay for health insurance. But when I ran the numbers I realized I didn't make enough to even do that. I HAD to forego health insurance in order to have enough money to actually pay my mortgage and monthly expenses.

CE la vie...

I also traveled a bit up to NY to see Soren's shows, and went to FL and went to NC to visit my Marine ( WHO GOT MARRIED A FEW WEEKS AGO!! YAH!!! I visited last Fall to meet his then girlfriend and do a run with him. I really wanted to meet her then and after having done so am SO SO HAPPY FOR HIM!! She is marvelous! Importantly, she also served our country and being a vet says alot about her not only character, but I think her parenting style. Just a fact I believe that military training prepares one for leadership and informs parenting. I think that they are both aligned on their parenting styles/beliefs well which means this will work as she has kids. )

Albeit not little kids, still kids! He always said he was not interested in that at this point in life but he fell in love with her and I am sure will fall in love with those kids of hers as well if he hasn't already!

They are just SO FABULOUS Together.

I am looking forward to running the MCM this Fall with him and her cheering us on! Hopefully I have my kids and can bring them along to be in the cheering squad.

I am up late as tonight after a meeting with a volunteer group I was inspired to job hunt. There is a perfect job I would LOVE!!! JUST LOVE!! that is close to home. Departure from both corporate America and fed sector back into human services sector. I would LOVE to be able to find a human services job that pays enough to live on around here! That is the tough thing. There are jobs out there, but very few that can support a household on ONE INCOME!

I therefore regularly find jobs I WOULD LOVE but then ascertain that there is no way I could maintain the house I have (small though it is!), and work for that kind of low pay. So then I look for jobs in the range I need to maintain just the basics (mortgage, car payment, food, small amount of travel to NY to see son and daughter there) and then I PRAY That if I have to work in the commercial or govt sector it is in a job in which I do not face ETHICAL DILEMMAS

I mean really, I just can't stay in a job if I don't believe there is a foundation to their business practices of honesty and ethics.

Really standard, universal business ethics should NOT be something that seems hard to find. I mean there are GENERAL beliefs that those normal standards are developed by because they are ostensibly THE NORM . A "Reasonable MAN Standard" so to speak of what is expected as far as organizations or company's having honest fiduciary responsibility and doing business with fair dealings and honesty , transparency, and good faith in their business transactions.

I feel so skeptical however that I can find a job in either the corporate sector or the govt sector that does not pose an ethical dilemma at SOME POINT if I work as a contract manager.

I mean , I can seek another contract manager job but truth is I don't feel like I really WANT TO simply because it feels almost inevitable that to do so will result in me exposing some dealing that I can't support ethically and doing the right thing SOMEHOW which the more I read of those who refuse to perpetuate fraud ends up meaning that the person most often ends up not remaining an employee, but becomes a known whistleblower who loses his/her career.

It just makes me not want to embark on a career and have to go through that pain of then having to rebuild and start yet another over again. Well.... If I HAVE TO persevere and do it I will, but boy if I land a job in human services I don't have that possibility I think of facing those kind of challenges! IF I don't land a job that can shift my labor being invested into human services on the really overt level , Well I guess I am content and could live with a full time job where I am working if it manifests. That COULD happen... so I have been told. I so far haven't had any profoundly, overt ethical dilemmas coming up other than the general fact I am working in FINANCIAL SERVICES. I think that says it all. I am just going to read The Big Short. I have been told it is a good read to understand hedge funds, and you know until I really get how those work I won't be convinced that working with an institution that supports them IS NOT SKIRTING THE ETHICAL LINE. Perhaps if I have a deeper understanding, I might "GET IT" and suddenly see something that makes it seem just fine to me. Truth is until I actually fully UNDERSTAND those inside and out... and I NEED TO UNDERSTAND A DEAL INSIDE AND OUT before I would embark on a contract negotiator/drafting role for it.... Before I understand EVERY NUANCE I can't in good faith give my labor to support something if it has the risk of being not kosher! Meaning if our markets in general are still based on inflated ideas, if we are building wealth on what is really a foundation of SAND... I want no part of it. I want my home to be build on a stronger foundation, and a company I support to be rock solid (even if there is a cornerstone discarded by others.... To me that means business ethics of the company are my first priority when choosing where to work (OK, next to location, and salary I will be paid for my labor! I REFUSE To take a CM Job at less than Market Rate and Urge ALL WOMEN To REFUSE TO TAKE ANY JOB At less than our labor is worth. We are 50% of the workforce ladies! IF we ALL REFUSE to do that the gap in pay WILL CHANGE)

But I HAVE To provide for my family and DO SOMETHING...
it just better be something I am proud and happy doing which doesn't leave me questioning its very value! Working in the financial sector makes me a bit nervous.

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