2017-09-04 - 5:56 p.m.
So Raitlin is busy packing for a camping trip and double checking her list as we are heading out shopping to pick up a few missing items she needs to bring along.
Gives me a few moments to just write as I wait for her to be ready to go shopping to finish capturing my thoughts here.
So after a blissful Friday night drumming, I called the man I have been dating to share the joy of the evening with him
to ask his advice about whether he thought it made more sense to fix the car first ( as I had been inclined to do and planning to do until I realize I was just sticking to my plan and that perhaps should re-think it. Art was available TWO weeks ago and could have just hired him then to work on the door! I didn't because waiting for the car repair estimate so I knew how much that would cost and then to consider options as don't have cash flow to do both at the SAME time. Have to choose which is priority!)
I also figured it would be nice to tell him of my friendship with Art who is around , well, just because I honestly thought it more courteous to let him know I went out with him that night and had courtousy to call him upon arrival home to tell him of my evening
JUST to reassure in a way so if he hears me speak of this later he is not at all questioning who the heck this guy in my world is.
Simply because I PREFER when a man I am dating talks freely to me of his friends with openness, and shares his world with me- both when spending time with either female or male.
I presumed a guy I am dating would prefer the same kind of openness and honesty about people in my life.
What I was surprised by was the weirdness of the response I got!
I think daughter ready to go so will just leave it at:
Think perhaps guy dating is not sure how to deal with the emotion he is feeling?
I got some odd , unexpected comments and questions that got more ....well both enlightening... and more well, concerning as our text and then subsequent conversation went on.
His emotions seemed to vacillate and he said revealing comments like
" ARe you trying to make me jealous as I can't spend time with you next weekend when you asked so now are talking about some guy"
and spent alot of time talking about how he was feeling pressured by me thinking we were not on the same page. My response to the talk of Art was, "No I don't play games like that but was just sharing my world with you." There were a couple other insightful comments, such as commenting again that I am used to hearing about someone's world. I reminded him months ago I had a concern as I never hear him mention any ladies he spends time with and that lack of transparent communication concerned me a bit as I am MORE USED to men telling me all about there WHOLE World. HE slipped a comment throught the convo about disctintion beteen a friend with benefits who one talks freely with and a girl really interested in possibly a relationshop who wouldn't want to mess something up by mentioning other girls. SO I was FLATTERED that I might be in the relationship potential category and inquired more -- as also interested in the insight of past lovers who were open with me. Thinking "OH! We had DECIDED We NEVER WANTED MORE so they were MORE comfortable with open honesty! " And I was thinking how I read that absolutely BACKWARD possibly in the past.... seeing when a man is more open and honest being himself as a sign MORE into me than those other lovers..... HA HA IT was intriquing me and helping understand some of the past relationships I have had ESPECIALLY in conjunction with ARt's recent comments which seemed very consistent! Art won't mention other girls to this lady he is in love with and wants a serious commimtnet from. But when I was inquiring about this it made my date I think believe I was reading MORE into his comments PERHAPS about how he feels about me... I was just FLATTERED but he said he doesnt date someone there is not a possibility of a relationship with NOR do I ... even thought sometimes it is mutually decided not to move forward but then agreed to still be lovers for a time... (That has happened in the past very comfortably. Some of my best lovers were years long liasons while searching for the right long term life partner!! I tend to not have a lover for less than a year minimum frankly....not the fling kind of girl.) I pretty much reassured him I think we likely are on the same page and aplogoized if I made him feel pressured.
HEll to me it is very simple.
I mean really!
So why when I have a weekend without my child who is with me all the time would I NOT Be disappointed that when I suggest he come spend time with me he acts like I just asked if he could fit in a dentist appointment!
I did ask two weeks ago, granted not much advance notice but long enough if you are into someone to consider spending a few days have uninterrupted time ALONE Away with them!
I just never dated anyone who acts so ambivalent so if he said "Yeah I am just really not that into you" would not be at all surprised. Or if he said he didn't want to keep seeing me, not surprise.
YET When we actually DO spend time together we enjoy each other's company BUT FOR The fact I wonder why I date a guy who I enjoy to company of who just seems to have the lowest sex drive I have ever experienced...
I mean great time together, but honestly I think I could have had as much fun with one of my BROTHERs
In any case it was just a surprise to me that my call to share my joy was met with what seemed like a cyclone of him deal with emotions.
The call ended with him , after I listened to him for a while about what he finds challening
and about how for a variety of reasons he does not want a committed relaitonship, but how we are more that "friends with benefits" ... he was a bit all over the map...
It was fascinating.
Felt should not try phone conversations but just enjoy doing things with him when we can as that is ALWAYS fun.
It just ironic as I enjoy dating a batchelor, never married, who I don't expect to blindside me with an unexpected wedding proposal.
I pretty much thought I made it clear I am not looking for anything serious
but this guy seems to not be able to handle any emotional attachment without thinking a gal wants something serious! It something I suppose I should not be so surprised by....
CE la vie...
Think we worked it out. I said , after listening to him " I am tired and want to go to bed now. Goodnight" at a point where I thought we were on the same page as he was just telling me how he does not want any commitment... etc... was feeling pressured by me..etc....
Thought I clarified I am not asking for such from him
but directly said however I would Like to have some INTIMATE time with him
I even said perhaps he takes care of his sexual needs better than I take care of my own so forgive me for being a bit frustrated!
"sex for door"
just seems a bit too either callous and matter of fact OR
spurned by jealousy?
I mean really do you tell someone you want to date to go sleep with someone else as if you don't give a crap?
I still am not sure whether he was having issues with jealousy or if he was serious that he honestly feels I don't listen .
He complains he can't get a word in
but then he talks for 15 min straight and I listen...
I try active listening to repeat back what he says to ensure I understand and he acts like I just interrupted....
so the communication on phone is really challenging sometimes.
My friend I spoke with today said she thinks its just not spending enough physical time together to read body language in communication. She and her girl are fine when they are in presence but when away have some similar issues.
She thinks this happens often...
I am not too worried about it.
Either he is into me and makes effort or he doesn't
So I thank him for the effort HE HAS made to see me with his busy life and mine.
But then he said stuff like "Am I suppose to drop things to see you?"
and I say
I suppose that is what is different.
I am dating a guy who it seems gets freaked out and stressed at the thought of making plans ahead of time but gets more stressed when I say he never commits to plans ahead of time.
But it is true , he does not. EVER. Always been last minute.
I don't care too much as I have my own fear of commitment issues. Thing is if I joke about my issues he is VERY Sensitive and thinks I am attacking him! That makes it challenging as I am used to naming my own issues and joking about them to push through them but not used to someone who thinks I am projecting on to them and then very sensitive when I make comments.
So that is something I need to work on.
I told my friend June this a long time ago when she was in relationship with Henry. DON'T TALK TO HENRY About YOUR ISSUES you will kill the relationship! THAT IS what other friends are for!!!
So with this guy I need to heed my own advice and enjoy time with him when we can get together.
Fact that there is no sex life to speak of in this relationship is fine with me...
and kids are priority.
Heck life has all sorts of phases...
I know I can enjoy that kind of time in my life again eventually.
All good things in time.
So happy for this being what it is for this time.
Its the grey area of a dating relationship approaching a year of seeing this wonderful man when we can get together.
Handling those moments of emotional connection and attachment and wishing we could see each other more, and him clearly navigating issues of sometimes wondering if he should just not bother trying to get together at all anymore as its creating stress for him.
Ce la vie...
It is what it is... and its a grey area but I am really not into seeking definition of what kind of grey... there are too many shades.
I just want to continue exploring them with him if he is willing as we DO enjoy each other's companionship when get together.