2017-09-09 - 2:32 p.m.

WHEW

This is good news! Especially as at work this month I take over reconciliation of receivables. YES Accounting... its very bizarre to me that I find my self in a financial institution working on financial accounting. BUT boy this makes me feel better about my new job!!

ASTROLOGY email read in taking a break from the hours working on ARts newsletter (yes it REALLY Takes me a ridiculous amount of time STILL....) away from a national park where I am camping, as sitting in town Burger King using the WiFi.

Here is the good omens:

Late this evening, Mercury (ruler of all communication), marches into a sign that it oversees: logical, analytical Virgo. This aspect demands that you sit up straight and pay attention to the teacher, because the details are important. Yes, you better write this information down in your notes, because yes, this is going to be on the test!

For the next three weeks, everything becomes more precise. Dealing with the fine points comes easily, and you're a natural with numbers and calculations. You're also great at problem-solving and critical thinking, and you don't have time for chit chat or trivial nonsense.

In other news, Raitlin (or is it Alexy? DArn I really keep forgetting which is the youngest psudoname and which is next to youngest. OK from now on , even if used them differently earlier I hereby designate my youngest child as Alexy and the 2nd to youngest as Raitlin). is at an Emergency Services training. She was thrilled to go and her BD gift was a solo tent and gear for the emergency pack. She will be on call to help for hurricane relief when available (as in when not in school). IT makes her feel good to be able to help others. Good for her self esteem clearly and this has really given her great motivation. She is even excited about school this year which is a huge improvement! This volunteer organization she became involved in a year ago was definately a good thing for her.

I finally broke down and ordered a new laptop which is making the drafting of newsletter for arts org easier. They bought an IPAD and it will be great for marketing but not either the newsletter OR the web site management! IT will be useful for its media creation capability- video and picture taking ability and for us to use it at shows to run ticket purchases but it proved not practical for managing web site. Just cumbersome and not as easy for me to manage as a laptop. SO thankfully when visiting family in FL while I had to work my one brother the teacher in China was in town and happy to find me a decent laptop that I then ordered.

Three weeks ago I did get to work from Fl while visiting family there.

SO glad I took Raitlin (who I am thinking of as the more Irish looking of the two youngest of my children...so think that had to be her fake name???) Anyway.... glad I took Raitlin and I to FL to visit family before Irma visits!

They are now all gathered in Orlando at my oldest brother and sister-in law's home. They have evacuated Vero Beach and we all hope it fares well.

I know for a fact my Dad does not have flood insurance!

I recall him saying he never carried it...

I think he figured saving and self insuring is better if you can... or I don't know...

but not surprised based on my belief the whole insurance industry is one I find questionable in theory.

But in practice for some reason the thing that perplexes me is that in my paranoia
I BOUGHT FLOOD insurance a year ago!

I mean really??

Yes I have it....

and now that I am full time I also found myself insuring myself to the hilt.

I mean I do have six kids...

So I just felt like for their sake, regardless of how I feel about Insurance being a scam moreso than a practical thing...

I still felt like If I am to throw money away on dumb things it is not the DUMBEST choice...

Its my one gamble in life. I prefer to never need it but decided to hedge my bets just a bit so to speak.

In other news the guy seeing in NY who was FREAKED Out the evening I invited him to come visit so soon after seeing him with my kids when visiting NY last night suggested I try to see him

IN TWO WEEKS.

What is funny to me is he said "I think that gives enough time to plan , maybe meet in BOston or NYC even..."

and I asked how many days away (Concerned if enough to catch a cheap flight). Interestingly he seems to be prepared to drive...

HE mentioned something about two weeks ago about how it would be nice to do something for my birthday , which I thought sweet.

He reiterated that with an apology he didn't get it together to come camping this weekend which to be honest is better for me frankly as I in fact do have to get this newsletter out... and I have been for the past two weeks....maybe more... YES SINCE BEING FULL TIME....rather well... neurotic and paranoid..

SEEING Symptoms have not in two years!

So I think for my mental health it is GOOD for me to be in the woods alone most of this weekend.

That might seem counterintuitive but I need time alone to let all that crap COME OUT I think....

FEAR creeps up once in a while and its easy to supress and not deal with when with people OR
it easily turns into distrust of those people...

So I started to RUN and went out both Mon and Tue of this week.

NEeded to for my mental health.

Those were both GREAT Days

Its like night and day if I run or if I don't.

I also was glad the gal who warned my not to trust anyone in my group hired into stopped by and we talked.

Her foreboading kinds fed into me getting paranoid and then it turned into me NOT TRUSTING HER.

So I addressed that with her which made me feel somewhat better.

The thing is I am not nuts to have some paranoia at work as there is this underlying knowledge of ongoing pruning and strenthening the tree so NO ONE wants to be the weak branch.

BEing BRAND new and having moments where those there told me to do some things flat out WRONG made me not trust them

It could have been mistakes on their part

But it could have been intentional

So I have to develop a good trusting relationship with co workers and BELIEVE they made mistakes unintentionally

But nonetheless it makes me a bit crazy when that happens.

I have NO PROBLEM when I make a mistake, but if it is at someone else's DIRECTIOn then my paranoia kicks in and I get frankly VERY UNWELL.

My co worker who I genuinely really like as a person has been on another project and distanced herself for professional reasons which don't have to do with me, but when SHE said a couple things that were not accurate it made me wary. I didn't substantively address those... figure let them go, but felt better that I just told her I needed to get some reassurance as her warnings to me of OTHERS made me just wary of her.

I kinda hate when anyone talks ill of co-workers. EVEN IF TRUE I know it makes me then not know WHO To trust. CE La vie...

I just need to get my work done WELL and not worry about the rest.

EXCEPT to know I am cultivating good working relationships with all my co-workers.

I do really like my boss which helps alot!

She's a very inspirational person. She runs her whole company (in addition to this full time job!) It's wonderful to see how she has developed and managed that.

Like many, those who start their own business moonlight while they have a full time job to support it starting the first years (on average I think about seven to become solid - make it or break it!)

She manufactures here product in CHINA and has hired a team of folks to receive it and ship to customers. She is so smart as she knew to grow she had to hire a crew so has a good one.

This is where it would be nice to see the guy I am seeing grow-
HE has been doing the SAME Thing for 25 years.

To me that is concerning. How much growth can one have when they keep doing the same thing and seem afraid of change?

He ASSUMED last night when we were talking I was angry he didn't make it to join me. IT was odd I thought

I really did not expect him to.

Interested he is fine making plans to go elsewhere in two weeks...the same time frame with which I suggested we do something this weekend AND he was overwealmed at the suggestion and did not consider it so I then just figured I needed to go ahead and make plans myself and tell him he is welcome to join me...

But it is not lost on me that the first part of that conversation was that I had a weekend FREE WITHOUT MY CHILD after I drop her off so I can go anywhere in reason...

It was just a nice Opportunity and he was STRESSED in response..
the weirdness of him seeming both afraid of intimacy and afraid of expectations and telling me he felt pressure FROM ME...

IT was very odd

But at the same time, in that same conversation he indicated he would like to see me near my birthday if possible.

So he is thoughtful but I think fearful and overwealmed and YES aspects of if he is in control of planning he is open to it more...

HE was accused of being controlling in the past and I don't see other signs of controlling behavior MORE signs of
ANXIETY in him

So being in control is one way to alleviate anxiety.

And he seems to have had more time to think about planning for two weeks from now... but when I suggested it two weeks ago was overwealmed.

SO maybe it is just where he is at (in particular I think dealing with his own feelings???)

Regardless I am happy to have this weekend to TRY TO de-stress.

I can't believe the increase in the tension in my upper back and stress level overall JUST BECAUSE I WAS HIRED FULL TIME

Its just crazy that would be such a prompt for me to go into fight or flight mode..

But that is what it feels like- hypervigilance , tension, acutely aware and sensitive...

VERY WEIRD to know in that state.

If it does not abate soon I will go see my Dr.

Running, diet, getting my house clean (YAH Did so last weekend!! Long weekend and I rocked getting it more organized)... and getting lots of sleep don't yet seem to be helping so I am going to go ahead and schedule an appointment .. *YES forget that "IF" ....I just NEED to see my Dr.)

Its also so weird. I mean for two plus years NO HEALTH Insurance NO FULL TIME benefits and during that time I felt the best I had in years.

Why oh why the moment I have the benefits does THAT Seem to be what created stress?

Well... that and the fact I am in an operations role in a production system our financial markets are affected by....

I SO LOVE Managing groups of people and am REALLY GOOD AT THAT!!

I somehow first thought SURE I can do this job...
but then realized after I stepped into it I find it a bit terrifying...

So the horoscope today made me feel MUCH Better!
WHEW...
at least for the moment.

And I am sure pharmacuticals will help too if after this weekend there is not a reduction in the tension of my body and pyche.

Found out my fav dentist is NOT an in network provider for my new insurance.

I KNOW My OBGYN is in network and I hope to God my Psychiatrist I have not seen in years is as well! ( I KNOW I searched I believe I would not have chosen the insurance if she were not but honestly do not remember now!)

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