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2017-09-22 - 5:43 a.m.

I hate seeing my kid not follow her dreams. So painful to watch the oldest of the younger girls, who is now a senior in high school,not even try to do the things she aspired to.

She is challenged with POTS.

It was sad for me to see the banner proclaiming she made it through the 2nd round of an application to West Point. Not that I would aspire for her to join the army, but it is her dream not mine. I support my kids in doing what they will.

So it is just sad to read the medical requirements.

She mentioned when she got the letter she won't qualify now based on her medical concerns.

I looked up the info on the medical exam and yes, she is correct, not with her diagnosis and the fact she has very little energy. Regardless of diagnosis she said she just could not do it. The thing is I have read POTS is HELPED by physical exercise but of course it is nearly impossible to START. It is more a problem of challenge of the will to push through the excrutiating pain and lack of energy to get out of bed and go through the motions at FIRST to get into it. SUPER CHALLENGING And impossible for many. I think only some have the the incredible will power to do that. Knowledge that if one could somehow get the energy to start and move that it would make a big difference is NOT enough to get going. If that were the case we would ALL be up and exercising every day! With something like POTS it makes that normal challenge seem almost impossible. (I mean people WIHTOUT A true physical limitation have a hell of a time getting out of bed to exercise EVEN when they know it will make life better).

Here is info from the Coast Guard Academy site on common disqualifications

Crap makes me feel bad for her.

But it also makes me apprechiate that even thought I don't really FEEL LIKE it, and no I rarely actually WANT to get up and run in the morning, I muster up the motivation to get up and do it.

Its really hard.

I can't imagine how much harder with a metablolic and circulatory heart problem that challenges ones energy.

So I have empathy for her. But I am still disappointed she did not make it out to TRY To play softball as of yet.

I encouraged her to TRY to work out at their spring training with the team. Tell them she wants to try out and just see if she can keep up at all. I feel like if she SHOWS UP she might surprise herself.
I feel like the team would be so encouraging and good for her EVEN IF she can't make it. I think they would be supportive of her effort.

I wish she would TRY even if she doesn't succeed.

Because she played baseball for ten years and was a power hitter. She and one other boy were the ones who hit the home runs. She was always not very fast and a bit lower energy but she is a solid player and outperformed at least half of the teammates in little league. (Way more than that when young... as they got older they caught up to her frankly and then there is an age where boys tend to outperform girls in baseball. She thinks it then becomes super hard to compete... and my disappointment it was then that she QUIT! She got sick later... or maybe she was sick and not diagnosed and that low energy was part of it.... we don't really know how long she was struggling with POTS before diagnosis. REGARDLESS however it is disappointing to me that I think she tends to just not push through the fears and challenges and try and just wish I could help her in that regard SOMEHOW.

I suppose I would not MIND if she was HAPPY .

But I don't think she is happy.

I see her hold onto that pennant that came from West Point congratulating on making it through the academic round 2 of the application and that makes me sad for her.

I feel like the middle girls each found their thing, for each they have that thing that they aspired to do and did and it gave them fulfillment and joy. One is in Civil Air Patrol and just loves it (of course if she aspires to Air Force Academy this will be the same heartbreak for her when she realizes she will never get in due to medical disqualification as well.... But you know never say never... HECK I just have to be proactive and have that conversation NOW. The criteria for ADHD is not medicated in PRIOR 12 mos... so frankly if she does very well this year for HER it makes sense to consider not medicating and see how she fares in 11th grade. She was actually not on her ADHD meds for the first month of school and did well so far, simply as she had a 90 day supply of the other mood stabalizing medications which she needed LAST YEAR to treat depression but the insurance company would not fill the ADHD medicine for that long. We ran out and I had to get her back to the DR but had another month of the other two meds and it was only for the first month of school. She is doing VERY WELL so it seemed prudent to just take that med vacation and see how she did. She did OK! A little more scattered but with taking only regular academic classes and not all honors she can handle it MUCH Better. We also received a 504 Accomodation for her with will carry forward...

HA HA THat of course may mean NO To the DoD medical exam qualification UNLESS they are not allowed to discriminate on disability and only look at functioning criteria - which likely is the case.

This kid is doing really well.
She addressed her issues. She faced them head on and pulled through.

The other middle child went to Gov School for Voice this year and is quite content singing at school and otherwise playing video games. She gets to my house and parks herself in front of the TV playing games and watching anime. As much as it makes ME CRAZY To watch someone be idle I fundamentally KNOW There is NOTHING WRONG WITH ENJOYING QUIET PEACEFULLNESS of an activity which is not physical! I love to read! So even though I don't do it more as there is something BROKEN in me I am sure which keeps me in motion (YES! I Get that...) I resist urge to feel so judgemental of this childs enjoyment of reading (oh yeah she does real alot), and gaming and her ESCAPISM thought those. I know it is in part escaping ... but that is actually OK! She is content, happy and healthy and this child is well.
That is what matters- that she is HAPPY. I think she clearly has issues that will be worked out over time... the OCD like behaviors, pervasive skin picking, weird things related to that.
But I talk to her psychiatrist and he does his best to address... and overall, despite skin picking I think this child is relatively HAPPY. That is like a chronic really bad compulsive habit. Even though it is more external to SEE her obvious medical and psychological issues manifested for some reason I don't WORRY about her well being. She just seems at peace with herself.

Both middle kids seems at peace within themselves and happy.

I can not say the same for the oldest of the girls. She to me seems VERY ANGRY. ITs a masked anger. The other two worked through and released that anger and addressed issues of their past in a way that I think helped them.

The oldest of these girls never has.

Its even painful to watch her college picking process.

It goes something like this: She looked at schools, chose the ones she liked
THEN DAD said he won't help if she goes there, looked at web site of Sarah Lawrence in particular *her dream school, but as she jokes it is so many students dream school; and then said "NO".

Difference between her and her sisters is that they will NEVER let anyone else define who they are.

She allow it to happen and squelches who she is.

What an awful, awful thing.

Before she was diagnosed with POTS she was dealing with panic attacks and depression and her Dad just could not understand depression. It made her feel worse as he kept wanting to understand WHAT made her depressed. There is NOT ALWAYS an immediate "what" causing such. There are factors of course... but it was so bothering him he could not find the source of her malcontent.

That really upset her greatly that he could not just ACCEPT and help her deal with this. The POTS diagnosis made him more comfortable with her managing her not being well as it was NAMED something other than depression and anxiety. He was able to discount the other two issues , continue to ignore them and then be content with the physical explanation.

Truth is she is still struggling with all three medical concerns. Depression is common when someone becomes ill with a debilitating physical condition, so perhaps now that will be an acceptable "what" for what is the cause and perhaps she can get support of her Dad in addressing this.

She is so intertwined with him still, so needs his support or will not address this I feel like...

The other girls all go see the treat their issues. She is the one I think could use therapy most of all. I have brought her and need to schedule it and bring her again as writing and thinking about this makes me think it is time again...

I couldn't afford frankly to have ALL THREE Girls in therapy at the same time! They had to take turns... think her turn again as the other two doing well.

And as for the YOUNGEST child. Well she seems just find.

I am not surprised. I left the abusive toxic environment, THUS CHANGING IT even there...
before she was three.

She was two, and I swear all that stuff about how what really matters in life as far as psychological health is what happens the first three formative years just may be true!

She is just... as everyone says.... a really funny kid. Not surprisingly a bit sarcastic and sassy and well laid back for the most part... just so young and very much a typical baby of the family. The youngest child that downplays her intelligence so others don't expect to much from her, has tantrums still when she loses a game, avoids competition it seems as can't stand not excelling.
She seems fine.

In other news, Soren found a good gig as waiter in Queens. Working alot as he and other roomie, also SUNY Purchase actor grad, were asked to move out from the philanthropic parents' residence where another classmate's family had taken them in upon graduation. They want their home back to themselves...
So they are hustling to make some money and find a place to live in NY. My bro has a blow up couch.... so Soren is welcome there! (Not even kidding! HE left the lovely home upstate for a sweet little but minimalistic apt and apparently is happy with his blow up inflated couch! Not having to commute four hours a day- it was two there and back realistically... and having time to go for a run each morn is doing wonders for him apparently).
I just don't get why he didn;t get the pad, stay married to his rather we all think awesome wife and go upstate on weekends only. I still don't really get it.... unless he things she will go find someone and have kids and he was just not going to drop 50K on fertility treatment. If that is it I think him a fool...

but ce la vie...
I suppose he is now a happy fool rather than a miserable wise man.
So who I am to judge that?

I just don't really get it. YES kids are a challenge.
But they grow... and if your wife really wants one and the 50K for fertility is not a worry (in their case honestly it would not have been...I perhaps overestimate as hear its 40K but am so used to people underestimating I like to have a buffer ....) I mean really how hard is it after being married for a number of years to go ahead and have that kid and just give up for a little while the single kind of lifestyle?

I just don't get it. He and his perhaps soon to be ex wife? (Separated now) just get along FINE. They are still friends....
not sure how long that can be sustained and be good for HER. She really has to let go and move on if he is going to not make a different choice.

I really just don't get it. But try to be supportive... I just hope SHE DOES hang in their as feel like perhaps this is just a moment and in a bit they might work this one out. Really... I don't see what the appeal of being alone in NYC is over having a terriffic life partner who loves you. CE la vie...

Single life is a choice for many. I get that. I think where I have a problem is HE MADE A CHOICE TO GET MARRIED.

To just change your mind when there is not some fundamental issue of concern that is unlivable to me seems...
well ...
to be avoiding self responsibility. I mean one's happiness is not the responsibility of their spouse, or contingent on enviroment.... I feel like he could have as EASILY made choices for HIS happiness WITHIN that COMMITMENT he made of marriage.

I feel like that is where my judgement comes from that is just flat out wrong to leave a life partner who you MARRIED and made a VOW to when there is not some serious issue.

Ironic I suppose , or perhaps understandable coming from me as perhaps it is just a means of Justifying MY LEAVING twice. Heck I was married and twice made the same choice. But I don't think that has anything to do with it..

Maybe there is something else going on and out of respect he has not shared it. Maybe he is a man of GREATER character than most so has fortitude and moral strength to NOT bash is ex and air dirty laundry...

Maybe there is something going on which would make me think my brother amazingly HONORABLE to her...

NO one knows.

That's the thing, he doesn't really communicate to his family about HIS life. He never really did. ITs just a little odd to me in a way.

But ce la vie...
He seems happy.
She seems happy.

We love them both and the good news is all our family plans on keeping both in our lives.

In other news family in Fl weathered the storm well thankfully.

Here I talk about how don't hear about my one brother's life much.. he doesn't talk to with detail and it occurred to me I should give a call to see how things went in Fl. I last talked to them the day after the storm hit to hear all were well. They called me on my birthday, Sept 11. They were fine in Orlando, but I have not talked to any of them since to hear how damage assessment at the homes in beach towns due to evacuation. Hope minimal....

Will call today as working from home so can do so on my lunch break.

See none of them called me either... we are all a bunch of busy bee workaholics I tell you... they are a bit busy I am sure cleaning up trees and what not, and our style is to make a call when the work is done!

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