2017-10-10 - 2:42 a.m./ 9:30-1230AM FRI!
Not sleeping yet.
I don't really over-analyze! I don't worry too much but I am up as after the one comment he made after I hung up the phone I wondered just what I mentioned HERE About my/our relationship and him?
I wondered as the responsibility of a writer IS to realize if you write about someone else you are holding an essence of them in your hands, you have captured them and you CAN frame them and show their picture in the light and frame you cast. It is a responsibility not to be taken lightly.
So that does pose a challenge in writing in a DIARY Where one vents strong feelings. Feelings are JUST FEELINGS
But it is really critical to be aware that if when writing one only VENTS and lets out feelings without regard for how that surrounding energy of others FRAMES the person IN REAL LIFE if anyone were to ever read it and know who was written about that the writer can create a perception of others about someone.
It really is a responsibility to be aware of and not be flippant about.
I worked too long and was stressed and felt better after my coversation.
I was about to go to sleep when that AH HA moment hit....
then was honestly thinking about a comment made when we were sitting with our mutual friends eating ice cream.
Not sure if THAT Was what my guy was referring to...
but now I recall the comment.
I haven't actually thought about it since. Not once really. It was a joking comment in which he said "Marry me." And I responded "Ok, sounds like a good plan"
IT is a good thing this reaction.
Better than the mechanism of FLIGHT..... RUN AWAY....
which I think is the knee jerk reaction when something is a bit scary ...
I am happy this guy makes me a little nervous about us.
I think I was there for a long time in that state of avoidance of true connection. It feels like a thaw in a way...
emotional thawing and opening up. I can hear a comment like that and not be put off.
Its a process that takes some time.
I am convinced this relationship is really perfect for me just now.
and I hope this relationship provides the same for him. I hope it nurtures and helps him be the best person he can be. I hope I am not a distraction to his achieving his goals and full potential. I hope I am not an energy sucker but an energizing positive force in his life.
He sometimes seems upset if I get off the phone abruptly. Its usually when I am happy and contented we just had a great talk and I am like
So I am ready to go, But the thing is one has to be in the relationship not just for what they GET out of it, but also for what they can GIVE Moreso, I think for what one can give as it is in the learning to let go of self that one grows most. The irony of that is so true...
Yes that is it.
My favorite prayer.
Think I will just do a quick, short 2 miles when I awake tomorrow no matter WHAT Time that is!
PS: I came back to edit and add the comment as I realized it would require some GROWTH. I realized I wrote how I "recalled the comment he might have had concerns about" but that I was so afraid to NAME it. So afraid to STATE it.. so afraid to mention it to him. He too seemed afraid to come out and actually state what he was thinking of or referring to. (Maybe it is a totally DIFFERENT thing... won't know unless he tells me- but as it was really HIS thought I am just going to let it be and if he DID have something in mind he wants to address let him do so in his time.) So the editing to add the conversation is to push myself. If I can write it and say it maybe someday the whole thought of actually allowing myself to let someone in my world that closely , or being that close, or envisioning giving of myself to such and extent will be a possibility. It won't be if I can't even envision or allow thoughts of myself growing to that place. To me it is a thing one does when they have grown sufficiently to be able to truly be selfless. Marriage requires absolute sacrifice and ability to put your spouse first. Because of that it must not be entered lightly. Its just hard to conceive of such a possibility; even hard to even trust enough to actually only date one man at a time for me. In some ways that is easier for me now because I am seeing someone who is NOT right here demanding of my time and attention every day. I just worry am I dating someone long distance as a means of avoidance of the pressure of a relationship with someone local which would necessarily then move faster and in my mind that means necessarily come to an end sooner? Is that because I truly am not really OPEN to ever committing? At the same time it is scary to date only one man as in a sense , even if is not serious, I am placing my heart in his hands which requires a level of trust that is greater than my comfort allows. It is SCARY. It is easy to date casually and not really be that attached to any one person as if it doesn't work out with one in particular life is already filled with others who meet needs for emotional connection. That fear of commitment is really just a mask for fear of being abandoned/betrayed and fear of loss of a beloved one has plunged in with such trust upon, and in a way a dependence upon emotionally. So the way to avoid being hurt is to avoid emotional interdependence. But there is also a depth in a relationship which can not occur without such emotional interdependence. There is a love which can not occur without the trust and plunge of such emotional interdependence. DAMN That plunge is a FR@*@*% SCARY THING. Funny thing however, after 4 years dating one man I dumped him as I realized he was so non committal. Seems funny as I am also non committal... at least it takes me a very long time to trust. But after I developed trust over that 4 year period I finally had it, but then realized he just was not in the same place in part because we stared our relationship when we were in the same place but I grew out of it. I grew into a place where I was READY to experience a deeper commitment. I was ready to intermingle our lives just a bit more. I mean at that time it was four years and I never had met his kids... I realize that was just a bit taking things to the level of casual and not committed too one extreme just a bit too far, even for me. Heck I should not have expected more from having professed we were in an open relationship and being a believer in polyamorous relationships. I guess I think polyamorous is FINE if that is where you are in life and you are open and honest about it. But somehow I think that desire for open relationship just CHANGES over time as you deepen a relationship with someone in particular. It just seems natural to me. I also think it telling that with the last guy I dated I honestly was hurt if he didn't TELL Me of other women interests but LIED (it was the lying that got me irritated Hell if you are in an OPEN relationship why the hell would you LIE to me? Or your partner(s)? ) When he was honest and open I truly was not jealous AT ALL. And that is an interesting facet. Why when our sex life was truly AMAZING (honestly he really was a fantastic lover- very attentive to ME; very caring ; yes could use a little growth as we all could but he was OPEN to that and we actually went to some great workshops together. We grew together in that realm really well!); did I not have any jealousy at all if he went out with and even slept with another woman (as he did I discovered) but it was the NOT being open and honest which bothered me Whereas I am currently dating a man I recognize that if he were with another I WOULD struggle with feelings of jealousy? And our sex life actually stinks. Its the one part of our relationship that has not had time and experience together to grow AT ALL. I mean it is NASCENT. It is very under-developed. I don't even yet know about the potential there... not even enough physical time together to really even KNOW if we have strong chemistry (it seemed we did at first) And damn why is there not a "Make this private" button here? I really do write like no one will EVER READ This. Here this whole entry started out about being consious about how others might perceive someone you write about and I did the most heartless thing by COMPARING LOVERS. Just a stupid thing to do. Remember I am writing about ME Anything said about either man is really not about either of them at all. It is about how I PERCEIVE them each based on my filter in a moment. And this gal has had some W%$(_# experiences which make my filter a bit less than clear at times. So this is not to say anything about the guy I am seeing which is about his ability as a LOVER. This is just to say I don't even KNOW yet... as that has not manifest in our relationship very much. [It has been excellent when with him! Keep in mind my norm was sex 3-4 times a week FOR YEARS....I mean years and years... then to kinda go cold turkey for about a year and now meet someone I WANT to be with again.....well a half dozen sexual encounters in a YEAR makes me still feel like in a desert here in that realm of my life... a bit parched. Hell that was my norm for a good week and now the sex I would have in one week is the amount I had in the whole past year? ] But I figure if we ever have time to really spend together contiguously for a longer period we can figure out if sexually we are compatible. Seeing someone infrequently other things tend to develop more FIRST and perhaps this is actually a GOOD way to develop a healthy , good relationship? Its not what I am used to but that does not mean it is not good. Not sure if it ever will if i will see enough of him for that opportunity for this area of our relationship to grow. Not sure if he is a man with a libido that is lower than mine and lower than I am used to in a man OR if there is something else going on-- if we just don't have the right chemistry OR if there is avoidance because of us not being committed; or if there is avoidance because of the regional challenges and we are somehow protecting ourselves sub-consiously (or maybe consiously for all I know that could be on his part and I would have no clue . I don't know if the foundation of the friendship of our relationship and the fact we enjoy doing other things together so much that sex is just not a focus is a GOOD thing I don't know Perhaps it is! Perhaps this is the better thing! Perhaps the last relationship I had that was 4 yrs give or take (my memory fails me on the specifics just now) was really a poorly developed on in which we didn't connect in other ways enough because we just had great sex often.... I better just lock this diary. I think it is a problem some people don't talk about sex ENOUGH so I am not going to contribute to that. I think it is a problem some people don't have sex enough either so it ironic that the man I want to be with at this point in life is OUT OF TOWN more than in my sphere or vice versa. I just hope that is not being avoidant on MY PART. I will lock this so I can just keep talking privately to myself here. Maybe it is all related to hormone levels and bio-rhythms and life cycles one is in? AGE?? Women hit sexual peak at 35 Damn lucky I was divorcing then and could truly enjoy that I suppose. Darn lucky I found a lover who was happy to enjoy sex with me at least three times a week. No exaggeration. He would come over, sneak in and then leave for work early in the morning. Kids were with me every other week, and I lived with him the off week. That was six nights we literally made love every darn night. The three nights a week were the weeks he came to my home! (He was leaving at 5AM Well before any kids got up and they were little, in bed early and slept through the night. There were only the occassional moments they needed me at night and he would hide momentarily in my bathroom while I responded to the bedroom door and then went in a child's room.) I honestly don't think we ever missed even one. We made love when we woke up many mornings as well. I mean we had sex as our daily routine. No lie... it was so regular and GOOD and so healthy and I was so very stabalized I realized by that flooding of endorphines. It was VERY Healing for me at the time. After the relationship ended I tell you I needed mood stabalizers to make up for not having those endorphines regularly dosed to me... So then after that relationship I was furious to find his copious appetite and what he actually thought was addiction (wow woe is me he cut me off when trying to battle his addictions)- actually may have been as he had OTHER Lovers in addition to me. And we were so regularly involved... I am not exaggerating, that it is amazing to think he actually found time for other lovers. But he did... and he made comments when he traveled he better get back soon before I found someone else to meet my needs (which I didn't understand... until realized he was thinking HE couldn't go that long without sex so presumed I Couldn't either). So then after that relationship I found serious trust issues in myself. I really then DID have up to three lovers at a time over some time. And became a believer in polyamorous relationships which to me seemed the antitdode to LYING. But that also might have been just self protectionist. Not being able to trust one person. And most of the lovers had an issue... some reason they were non committal too it seemed. I attracted unavailable men. Like attracts like seems very real to me. I UNDOUBTEDLY had serious fear of commitment issues which are very understandable after both intensely abusive relationship and then being betrayed in trust by a philanderer. So I attracted men who were non commital and said they did not want serious relationships. The thing that surprised me is some of those men worked though the FEAR which was the reason for that stance and then trusted and wanted to marry me. SO I was in this spot , appallled that I HURT these men. It happened a couple of times, damn a few... more than a couple. And I think it fed my ego which I KNOW was fragile after all the abuse. (OH yeah and lest I foget the regular endorphine dose was GOOD FOR ME) YES I am sure it ALSO fed my ego whether I realized it or not. To date and have men fall in love and want me to that extent and then for me to walk away. What greater CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR can a woman exhibit? So I realize now that having multiple lover, attesting to an open relationship, and being honest with partners IS NOT enough to insulate from hurting someone. I hurt those men. They got over it of course. I see this as controlling behavior as I observe women who CONTINUE to exhibit that pattern OVER AND OVER AGAIN oblivious that they hold such power. They act naive and act like they don't know what they are doing. I know that is credible ONCE or TWICE.... maybe even Thrice.... but beyond that I KNOW one can no longer be naive. I think it credible when a woman is so very damaged and needing of the emotional validation... I know that is credible to be oblivious as I was there ! I was that woman who was genuinely naive. I know it is credible to BELIEVE Men are disconnected from their physical connections with a woman emotionally because the woman herself is blocking all actual attachment and emotional connection because of such damage done to her due to abuse DESPITE physical intimacy, I understand that is possible because I was there. But the thing is, time DOES heal wounds. These relationshiops DO Offer opportunity for connection with others, for building of trust and for healing of wounds. However not if they are sabatogued. I may not have consiously desired to do so , or been aware that in my neediness my relationships with men were fulfilling some sense of self I had to re-build. But as I did re-build my sense of self distinct from relationships with men by developing my talents and relationships with women friends, I realized that I don't want to be THAT kind of woman. I may have been naive, I may have been unaware, but you do that once, then twice or more and there is not possibility to claim to NOT BEING AWARE of your power as a woman. There is no possibility to pretend to be naive and NOT understand that if you give yourself over to a man and vice versa , just submit to such a free, physical union time and time again that there WILL inevitably be (for the man... as this is how it works,,,, man's commitment and emotional attachment grows FROM intense physical sexual connection which we all understand can be SO UNIQUELY SPECIAL AND SPIRITUAL and DEEP at a level few other human experiences CAN BE. There is power in that shared experience. That is the one thing the Catholic teaching and doctrine does NOT miss. But they miss teaching anything about this power and act a bit afraid of it. Catholicism GETS the sacredness of this shared union between a man and woman. What they don't get is how to harness that power creatively and how to teach development of ones sexuality. Sexuality is a part of a person which like any aspect will only grow with nurturing. Catholic teaching fails at nurturing this essential part of humanness. But I digress.... So I am trying something different. I am trying to date one man. Take it one day at a time. See where it goes. Enjoy his company and accept what he can offer. Hope he is happy to accept what I can offer. But I don't want to have complications of making him worry about where he stands or making him worry if he can trust me. I think it healthier and simpler to just give him all my attention. I don't really care if he does the same (So I say) I care that he is honest. I care that he is into me! I care that he is actually attracted to me, finds me sexy , is open and communicative, WANTS to spend time with me and is HAPPY when with me. and I find I actually for some very odd reason do feel jealous if thinking of him spending time with another woman. That feels different than my response to the prior men I dated since the one who really hurt me by his cheating, So what if this guy doesn't have the high libido I am used to? That high libido actually may have been part of actual addictions...perhaps not only of the one who clearly had an issue, but what the heck even the last man I dated for the almost four years.... Having a relationship with a man with a more TYPICAL Libido might be a decent trade off for a relationship healthy in every other respect AND I do think that area CAN grow should we have more time together. And if all else fails, I have made it through dry spells without sex for years before.... At least this time I have other good things... mine were during the worst years of marriage. I made it through and re-discovered my sexuality and sensuality since. So I can shelve that part of myself for a little while and allow time and space for other things to grow. For each thing there is a time and a season. I suppose my sexual peak in life has come and gone... But that doesn't mean this phase can not be satisfying. Even though it is so very different, I am not finding myself discontented. I am happy. That is the long and short of it. I am happy with this place I am in for now , and happy with the man in my world just now. Even if we don't have mad, passionate sex~ But damn, I hope that might come ..... we have had our moments. I feel like its the Catholic thing... need I say more? That is a whole other damn long post. One I think I can't write here. Crap.. I have been venting for years how I could write an article on the woes of the Catholic Church. YOU HAVE FAILED US!! MY CHURCH has miserably failed us by denying sexuality as part of life!!! But I will stop here.... that will just be a post that would make this too damn long! And in OTHER GOOD NEWS I did enjoy a nice run both this weekend (SAT ) and mid week (WED) and will also get up early and run tomorrow. So it is not the serious training I intended for this upcoming 10K. I am running with the Semper Fi Fund and my fundraising skills for this are pitiful. SAD but I just feel like the Hurricanes present such immediate need, and I didn't kick up marketing and fund raising for this prior to those. I mean my cause is worthy, but people starving and without water in the here and now because they are cut off (Seriously 1/2 PR without provisions from sources there... the news of this is apparently not exaggerated. FEMA Walking in by foot and busting their butts working non stop to help, but it is just a challenge as roads destroyed etc.) I mean that is really truly priority so not surprised no response to my posts about raising money for Semper Fi Fund. I will ask for donations next week and am pleased running at least a few times a week to be ready. This is not a long race, its a distance I generally really like, so even though I have not trained diligently and only got out a few times a week, I think it will be fine. And I changed my mind. I was going to lock this but am refraining. I want to be writing for myself honestly and there are STRANGERS who read this! So it gives them some distraction from their life and I hope some joy and some smiles. It might entertain. I just read my NOTES here I rarely look at and realized that even though I don't read other diarys often WHEN I DO it makes ME smile. This is why we write... It both brings peace and joy to the writer AND we hope to bring the same to others. Its so little sometime that one can do when they are home. Its this little bit of connection to others that we never really know might be meaningful in some seemingly insignificant way we don't understand could be more profound. Life seems to work like that. Sometimes it is the little things that matter. And so that is why I decided... why lock this? Why worry about who reads it? If I am ever to trust others I need to to know ultimately that I am lovable for who I really am and that someone someday will love me even when I am not censoring myself, will accept even when I speak my mind and it is distinctly different from his, will be able to not feel that they are judged ever by my perceptions and opinions of the world. Its the insecure who are uncomfortable when others don't agree with them. I have some wonderful friends that don't see eye to eye with me on many issues. But we can be friends and love each other despite those differences , as we don't take them at all personally but are able to listen and try to understand the other's perspective. So why worry about how someone views me as framing them? Funny I don't worry about how anyone will perceive me, but I worry about someone I write about being offended and insecure. But readers RECOGNIZE that this is a place we writers vent. READERS of blogs and journals generally are suave enough to know to take it all with a grain of salt! They GET IT that we are unabashedly venting our feelings most often as this is a SAFE PLACE to do so and we all just need a safe place to be ourselves. I didn't have a safe place for so long, and carved this space out for myself. So it really was my refuge My place to be me. So why would I lock this down and be afraid to show the world ME just because I want to talk about sex and acknowledge I am a sexual and sensual being??? That again is just SO CATHOLIC... So I am resisting the guilt... and resisting the refusal to communicate, think or talk about sex. Feels so very dumb in a way to even have had that reaction at all. ME who keeps condoms in the house and has coached my kids and given them detailed talks ad nauseum.... you know those parents who never can have the conversation. I have had it so many times, over and over, and coached them so many times. They have known FOR YEARS I will NOT be a PREMATURE GRANDMA. They got the message. Sex Educated Catholics (almost an oxymoron) I perhaps overcompensate from my upbringing... parenting pendulum style on this one swang the other way. Charts and graphs of STDS... CDC Stats LOL No I am not quite that bad. Just videos... no white boards in the kitchen....But seriously, I find it is the Catholic MEN MY AGE who need the most sex education. The ones just too old to have been part of the sex education campaign post AIDS Crisis of the 80s; and not yet post 50 to have learned how to manage enjoying sex when everything doesn't yet work like they are used to.... They are just TOO YOUNG I think to have had enough life experience where the focus shifts AWAY From them... I learned YEARS Ago men OVER age 50 are THE BEST Lovers. They have enough years where they undersand things won't ever be like they were when they were 18 without VIagra or Cialis.... so they submit... AND I think often well prior to that they figured out they had best learn that their ONE PART Of their anatomy performance is not the end all be all focus of sex or they will be alone and very unsatisfied. They figured out they best learn to please a woman if they don't want to be enjoying simply videos and magazines forevermore.... and frankly what a man can do with his tongue and fingers is much more valuable to a woman than the other assets... But I digress... I wasn't going to focus on this too much. But I do have a pet peeve...as while this is true, that it is not the end all be all, there is still something just ODD about a guy who does not seem to desire to have intercourse. I mean it is not the end all be all but despite all that reality, it is still something that can not be replicated when there is a mutually shared orgasm of a man and woman coming together and coming at the same time in unison. I just miss that Its a connection which is so intimate. True the best sex is when neither person is concerned about how they are performing and really is focused on pleasing their partner. The best sex is when it is all so NATURAL and just unfolds. The best sex is also when in love. That might be where the Catholic thing comes into play. I think it is really hard for Catholics to separate sex from love. OR if they do I think it generally just is rather awful- it doesn't satisfy. The thing is biochemically men fall in love BECAUSE OF great sex. Its true... there are studies on this. WOMEN will often not want that great sexual connection until AFTER They have fallen for a man. (Studies show this as well.... not all women but many if not most have the EMOTIONAL connection first and then physical which represents that to the woman; whereas men often will actually fall in love with the woman they have the best physical connection with!) SO I do feel like if a man is avoiding physical intimacy in some way it is a way to protect himself from emotional intimacy which would be difficult to handle due to some reason. OR that might be a way of rationalizing to myself if a guy I am seeing is really just not that into me... Whatever. I can't honestly worry too much about it. Time will tell.