2017-10-10 - 12:43 a.m.
Infinately Polar Bear
Movie I must see...
So the NEXT WED I also came home EARLIER.
IT was again me cajoling, arguing, putting my foot down relentlessly not giving in until she got off the couch and went to bed.
That night it was STILL Too late to really be up and watch Selma but I was going to watch that darn movie anyway after all the effort to re-claim the right to sit on my living room couch.
So ridiculous I have to argue with the princess.
Main point here is this:
I came her for two reasons-
I WRITE HERE FOR ME
Guy seeing made some comment in our awesome conversation I enjoyed tonight about
"When you talk about me to other people...." and I thought he said something akin "you think ...." and something like ... oh I don't recall the words now
True I must be a shitty listener.
but something about how he thinks he says something and then eight months later I have mulled it over and I think I know what he means and say something to someone else about it....
I don't know it was very convulted. Something about me trying to think of what he said and me months later trying to figure out what he meant and where I stand with him and where we stand in relationship...
And it made me think he was just tired and blurted out something really coming from a wound of an ex of his who upset him by speaking ill of him to others ..... an old wound?
Anyway not a big thing to worry about EXCEPT
and SHIT did I ever mention I blog?
FUCK How long should one be in a relationship before revealing
OH YEAH I write about my life at times...
Release the anxiety and worry and if you think I talk alot just IMAGINE how much more I would need to talk if I didn't VENT by writing all that crap!
So please be HAPPY I am a writer...
IT made me suddenly THINK Of this habit and wonder
DAMN When should one mention to someone they are seeing that they write in some blog and just might someday inadvertedly ... because they are writing about their own life... mention ancillarily the people important in one's life.
CRAP it is almost a BLOCK To intimacy in a way. I mean no obligation to own up to this if just casual.
I like casual.
I find it makes them shrivel up and seem smaller.
This writing of course started to manage a bully,
I am also very much alive. It started as a means of communicating to a dear friend who got a postcard dropped in the mail every Tue to know I was OK
IT was a safety net after incidents of profound threatening , yes life threatening domestic violence.
IT was a NEED at the time.
Writing of late is not generated by NEED
Sometimes it is still a great place to vent .
So I spew crap.
Sometimes I come to write so I don't forget something.
Sometimes I even come to capture moments of joy.
I write to celebrate successes and to be able to go back and see how far we have all come.
I write for me.
But I also write with the thought in the back of my mind that someday I would like to publicly share my story.
I don't think this comes from any need to seek attention or narcissistic tendency
(That topic of people who do things for such was one I just had an interesting conversation about.IT was kind of fascinating to think about the question:
How can anyone else ever really tell if someone is dressing or acting a certain way as a means of seeking of attention?
As opposed to being comfortable in their own skin and expressing him or herself ( I suppose or theyself? IS that a new lingo thing along with use of They for gender neutral identification?)
SO here is my attestation:
I still want to write.
I mean I guess I did think about the question once a long time ago:
If one KNOWS who is reading, how does that limit their free expression?
That question has occurred to me often.
It was written by someone I once sent a manuscript to and had a few emails back and forth around the idea of crafting a musical with. The reaction to the idea was "I AM VERY INTERESTED!" Unequivokely enthusiastic.
But I and he never followed up with each other. I because of life... I just had too much on my plate. He because of life I am sure too, as although he was very interested I think into his life came the collaborative partner he was MEANT to be working with.Clearly it was not me at that time- but what manifest is truly remarkable and I am wonderous and grateful and in humble admiration was so happy to speak with his partner in creativity a bit last night after HER marvelous direction of the show he wrote with a young talented mentee of his. They are an incredible team. I am just so apprchiative that these two individuals have dedicated their time to helping others through cultivating love of self through creative expression.
Their whole essence is to love others.
I still have my creative work in my head- it will be born one day. Its just not time yet.
God there is a whole choreographed scene that plays out in my mind when I think of the piece I envisioned...
I have at times had chorus' in my head that I captured
I would so love to have time to study and develop skill to be able to bring those ideas to life.
I don't have such time.
And as I get older perhaps never...
I took some steps. Need to take more .
But I ramble and its time to sleep.
After Selma,the 2nd movie pick I took out of the library was that incredible movie The kids are Alright. (Ok Not sure which I watched first actually..) But I finally watched the third pick last night.
The wonderful thing was that one of the previews was for the movie INFINATELY POLAR BEAR.
I just had a thought..... maybe my guy was actually NOT Out of left field! I DID Have a brief phone chat in which I was talking to friend will be running MCM 10 K with in a phone call intended to help connect and motivate me. I have not been running and need to get pumped up for this event. I am excited to see friends at it and to run with them. I wished my guy could come and be there this year for it. It would be so much more fun if he were here.
I need to go to bed! Also notice the KEEP PRIVATE option for entrys is not here on the user interface!
We have other mutual friends but none I have talked to but them!
They are likely giving him shit...
Not likely motivated by any comments I made about him at all!
They did ask how things are going...
I might have said slower than I am used to...
And I am really not inclined to come up with a fake name for him.
I don't want anything about our relationship to be anything less than real.
So far I am very happy when I get to spend time with him.