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2017-10-10 - 12:43 a.m.

Infinately Polar Bear

Movie I must see...
I think that is the name of it. I took three movies out from the library about a month ago:
Selma Which I Watched one Wed night . I came home one Wed really itching to relax and watch a movie but had to argue with my 16 yr old to turn off the Playstation and stop illegally streaming anime... It was so frustrating. I finally harassed the child enough to succumb to me... not because of any respect for my authority unfortunately as I clearly have not earned it sadly despite the respect I show her,nor have I instilled it out of fear as I have never beat the crap or screamed and yelled or cursed at her and done all those things she recognizes worthy of fear based respect- like hitting her etc... SO the uphill battle continues to TRY To demonstrate something OTHER Than the harsh treatment of her will work in instilling respect for authority! By the time I got her off the couch that night I was so darn exhausted that I just couldn't consider starting a long movie that late. The arguing and my not backing down did take some time.

So the NEXT WED I also came home EARLIER.

IT was again me cajoling, arguing, putting my foot down relentlessly not giving in until she got off the couch and went to bed.

That night it was STILL Too late to really be up and watch Selma but I was going to watch that darn movie anyway after all the effort to re-claim the right to sit on my living room couch.

So ridiculous I have to argue with the princess.

Main point here is this:

I came her for two reasons-


Guy seeing made some comment in our awesome conversation I enjoyed tonight about

"When you talk about me to other people...." and I thought he said something akin "you think ...." and something like ... oh I don't recall the words now

True I must be a shitty listener.
God Bless him for putting up with ME!

but something about how he thinks he says something and then eight months later I have mulled it over and I think I know what he means and say something to someone else about it....

I don't know it was very convulted. Something about me trying to think of what he said and me months later trying to figure out what he meant and where I stand with him and where we stand in relationship...

And it made me think he was just tired and blurted out something really coming from a wound of an ex of his who upset him by speaking ill of him to others ..... an old wound?
I even asked "What was that about?"
and at first he said "I don't know...."

Anyway not a big thing to worry about EXCEPT

I worry-
Did I WRITE ABOUT HIM HERE in any way that should be of concern?

and SHIT did I ever mention I blog?

FUCK How long should one be in a relationship before revealing

OH YEAH I write about my life at times...
and technically its public,
although I do it for me...
you see its this kinda of psychological safety net I had so it became a thing for me A habit which keeps me calm and sane as I vent any CRAP and then feel better in life and am likely a nicer person to be around .

Release the anxiety and worry and if you think I talk alot just IMAGINE how much more I would need to talk if I didn't VENT by writing all that crap!

So please be HAPPY I am a writer...

IT made me suddenly THINK Of this habit and wonder

DAMN When should one mention to someone they are seeing that they write in some blog and just might someday inadvertedly ... because they are writing about their own life... mention ancillarily the people important in one's life.

CRAP it is almost a BLOCK To intimacy in a way. I mean no obligation to own up to this if just casual.

I like casual.
I like having private spaces for venting.
I like not keeping demons in closets and under beds but throwing them outside in the bold sunlight for all to see.

I find it makes them shrivel up and seem smaller.
Its the release.

This writing of course started to manage a bully,
as if the bullying is made known it is a great deterrant.

I am also very much alive. It started as a means of communicating to a dear friend who got a postcard dropped in the mail every Tue to know I was OK
AND who could read my blog.

IT was a safety net after incidents of profound threatening , yes life threatening domestic violence.

IT was a NEED at the time.

Writing of late is not generated by NEED

Sometimes it is still a great place to vent .

So I spew crap.

Sometimes I come to write so I don't forget something.

Sometimes I even come to capture moments of joy.

I write to celebrate successes and to be able to go back and see how far we have all come.

I write for me.

But I also write with the thought in the back of my mind that someday I would like to publicly share my story.

I don't think this comes from any need to seek attention or narcissistic tendency

(That topic of people who do things for such was one I just had an interesting conversation about.IT was kind of fascinating to think about the question:

How can anyone else ever really tell if someone is dressing or acting a certain way as a means of seeking of attention?

As opposed to being comfortable in their own skin and expressing him or herself ( I suppose or theyself? IS that a new lingo thing along with use of They for gender neutral identification?)

SO here is my attestation:

I still want to write.
Not yet inclined to share this with the man I am dating
Cause didn't even occur to me to do so...
Kind of have not thought about it until just now.

I mean I guess I did think about the question once a long time ago:

If one KNOWS who is reading, how does that limit their free expression?

That question has occurred to me often.
I have wondered at times, really CONSCIOUS when I knew certain friend read this, that I was perhaps crafting some words and language fully aware of that friend as a reader. Nothing written was less TRUE but moreso I believe I CENSORED total free expression for fear of offending. OR did not write as freely for fear of being judged.

I am thinking of creative work that is created for public sharing tonight in particular as last night I went to see a musical.

It was written by someone I once sent a manuscript to and had a few emails back and forth around the idea of crafting a musical with. The reaction to the idea was "I AM VERY INTERESTED!" Unequivokely enthusiastic.
Someone who shared the vision of using arts to reach out and help others.

But I and he never followed up with each other. I because of life... I just had too much on my plate. He because of life I am sure too, as although he was very interested I think into his life came the collaborative partner he was MEANT to be working with.Clearly it was not me at that time- but what manifest is truly remarkable and I am wonderous and grateful and in humble admiration was so happy to speak with his partner in creativity a bit last night after HER marvelous direction of the show he wrote with a young talented mentee of his. They are an incredible team. I am just so apprchiative that these two individuals have dedicated their time to helping others through cultivating love of self through creative expression.

Their whole essence is to love others.

I still have my creative work in my head- it will be born one day. Its just not time yet.

God there is a whole choreographed scene that plays out in my mind when I think of the piece I envisioned...

I have at times had chorus' in my head that I captured
Phrases of music
Phrases of words

I would so love to have time to study and develop skill to be able to bring those ideas to life.

I don't have such time.
I don't have ability to carve it out of my years (let alone days) At least not now

And as I get older perhaps never...

But I have the vision and the dream. I reached out once to a person I thought could actualize this...
then I decided to try myself to just be the one to actualize my dream myself.

I took some steps. Need to take more .

But I ramble and its time to sleep.

Came here mainly to capture the name of the NEXT MOVIE I am going to see.

After Selma,the 2nd movie pick I took out of the library was that incredible movie The kids are Alright. (Ok Not sure which I watched first actually..) But I finally watched the third pick last night.
I thought it might be dry and at first thought I don't want a serious drama, but I should watch this anyway. It was serious but it turned out I enjoyed it.

The wonderful thing was that one of the previews was for the movie INFINATELY POLAR BEAR.

I just HAVE to go get that movie and watch it.

I just had a thought..... maybe my guy was actually NOT Out of left field! I DID Have a brief phone chat in which I was talking to friend will be running MCM 10 K with in a phone call intended to help connect and motivate me. I have not been running and need to get pumped up for this event. I am excited to see friends at it and to run with them. I wished my guy could come and be there this year for it. It would be so much more fun if he were here.

I need to go to bed! Also notice the KEEP PRIVATE option for entrys is not here on the user interface!
How can I write honestly if I think someone I know might actually somehow find this and read it????

Other thoughts...
maybe his comment about me saying something about something he said months ago ...
was cause (Although seemed to come out of nowhere.... not a catalyst Not anyone I talk to that we mutuatlly know...)
BUT AH HA Our friends I will be running with in a few weeks!

We have other mutual friends but none I have talked to but them!

They are likely giving him shit...

Not likely motivated by any comments I made about him at all!

They did ask how things are going...
I responded "Very slowly; but well, and I am not complaining. '!)*#&%^' takes things at his own pace of what he can offer and I am OK with that,"

I might have said slower than I am used to...

but hey
That's OK.

And I am really not inclined to come up with a fake name for him.

I don't want anything about our relationship to be anything less than real.

So far I am very happy when I get to spend time with him.
It feels very real.

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