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2017-11-30 - 10:16 p.m.

In other news one child got her first acceptance letters to colleges. Along with scholarships.


$27 K to a $52 K a year school. Not so bad as a start!

I hope she finds the perfect fit for her.

I also hope to God she actually REALLY goes away for college. Honestly I feel like this particular child of mine will not be able to be herself and sort out her stuff until she goes away.

She did share with me that is exactly what one of her teachers said.

It made me feel much better actually.

The second opinion!

I was again asking if she WANTED therapy.
She said she has made it this far without it.

I feel less guilty about that NOT having been affordable when she says she can work it all out as soon as she has her own space to be herself and breathe.

That makes me relieved... as it is SOON.

SO SOON NOW that she will have that chance!

Thank God.

I bought her luggage for her Christmas Gift. That might sound so odd to some! It however is a really nice set .It was very practical to buy when I was traveling as my friend had many hand me down clothes that it was great to be able to bring back to VA for all.

My bestie who I was visiting also has this little shopping problem....

The problem of getting those enticing coupons that urge one to go to places like Bath and Body Works to get the sale....

She is big hearted and kind and loving and truly does GREAT work as a therapist. She runs a support group for women overcoming trauma and every Christmas gets them all gift baskets. She is in a city with some wonderful women she connects with and just loves and cares for. SO it is IMPORTANT to HER to do this- but then she often has more than she really needed to get! She then gifts my girls with these things when I see her. This year I told her as she bought her own home a year ago and needs to stay in budget I would just SHOP at her house! She even had receipts in some of the bags so I literally did my Christmas shopping at her home. (I will write her a check and mail it in a few weeks!) It helped HER to take care of her overspending and overshopping; and it helped ME as I tend to NOT shop for Christmas and then at the last moment scramble. So it was great to be there and be REMINDED to take care of this earlier!

We had a lovely time making pumpkin pies and decorating her home.
Her daughter was a delight and it is wonderful to see her growing into a lovely young lady.

I also was happy to get to see my oldest child sing with the chorus she is in . That was just lovely, even if it was only the rehearsal as she was not in the concert I intended to go to!

I was very grateful my gentleman friend was gracious in driving me over to the rehearsal to see her briefly and then spend just a bit of time with her before leaving the next morning.

It was a very lovely, relaxing Thanksgiving. His extended family was nice and we enjoyed Turkey and then had a nice time with the hippy young folk who had a fabulous vegan spread. Three of the students of Bennington College who live in the midwest or west coast drove to my daughter's home as it was feasible so she and her boyfriend had a house full. It was fabulous to visit with them all.

My gentleman friend proved he is kind hearted albeit not the best listener. I can't complain however as I know I am not the best listener either!

Its just a pattern I see here... CE la vie..

of him procrastinating,
and not really getting it when I do share some info-

like sharing that this concert I really did want to go to is popular. He didn't believe me and said "Its a really big church. I can't see it selling out"

But dude... the piece is Handel's MESSIAH performed with a full orchestra and full chorus

and you might not get it but many LOVE GOOD MUSIC.

He didn't get it.

But that was Ok, as he doesn't have to get all the things I get...
I enjoy his company.

And as I said If I REALLY WANTED to go I would have just bought the tickets.

I did not do so as frankly it was not in my budget. AND I know they sing this concert EVERY YEAR and yes the SELL OUT every year.

The part of him not listening was that although I did indicate he needed to make a decision of whether he wanted to go a few times in prior weeks, and he wouldn't commit to it, or SAY NO... just waffled and put it off...that when he tried to buy them (JUST the morning of) he seemed suddenly SURPRISED they had sold out.

To me that was very predicable.

Just as it was that the other party HE ASKED Me if I wanted to go to , was ALSO sold out.

So the two things we intended to do did not happen/

This is due to:

His procrastination and unwillingness to commit to events


My finances.

I really couldn't afford to buy either of those tix. I had JUST ENOUGH credit to get a cheap plane tix. I decided I really need to spend money on Christmas gifts for girls rather than entertainment for myself. (That is after paying off ART finally for the work on the house; I cut the last check to him just days before Thanksgiving and paid my mortgage late this month to do so. HOME REPAIRS complete and paid for now. WHOO HOO! Car repairs next ....)

In GOOD NEWS it was regardless a WONDERFUL WEEKEND and I throughly enjoyed his company and the company of his family and friends met and my daughter and her friends.

Highlight was that we did run a Turkey Trot! IT was really fun. We ran into friends of his afterwards. Other friends of ours were out and about and had we been more organized would have connected with them more, but it was fine just as it worked out.

Key here is I enjoy WHO HE IS and don't expect him to be change.

He is an absolutely wonderful man who clearly has ADHD *OH YES it is just obvious he is challenged as badly as me with time management, focus, the procrastination and in his case being disabled by indecisiveness is a big part of that- feeling overwealmed I think with decisions. His ex seemed to think it was about control I believe. I however am not so sure about that and think anxiety induced need to be involved in every decision and need to really think about all possibilities is not so much a control issue but in a way the very opposite! Its a behavior which is disabling and in a very real way disallows a person to really function in their life the way they WOULD LIKE TO ; and moreso I think it is a problem of NOT having enough control! Not having enough self control of your own emotional anxiety and worry and not having enough self control to follow through and act EVEN WHEN ONE WANTS TO. Its less a control issue and more not having enough structure and control of self I think... lack of personal discipline which to me is the opposite of a controlling person. I think perhaps she misunderstood . I can see how some might find that behavior of never committing a controlling one. It could be seen as a passive aggressive way of just getting what one wants without every articulating how one really feels- Like if he didn't WANT to go rather than saying "NO" just avoiding the action. I think however that not very likely the case when it comes to his avoidant behavior-- YES that is the accurate word: There are definately some avoidant behaviors but I don't see them as particuarlly controlling ones. Moreso just avoiding doing the things he wants to do that are HARD to do (like truly being emotionally and physically intimate! LOL HE is slow to both I think... needs to take time and test the water before trusting ...) Avoiding the pain of growth type stuff... just typical fear based behaviors; fear of change which end up in inertia and doing the same things even thought they are not serving one well. Enough about that however... almost...... Why does this not bother me too much when those are the very SAME kinds of things I broke up with my ex boy over ? SIMPLE because this guy, who I joke is like a gerble happy in his space running the same treadmill every day... is just that : HAPPY overall And NOT A complainer. He doesn't WHINE and COMPLAIN but never make a change. Rather he DOES make small incremental changes and I applaud his successes and love to see when he DOES make some progress, no matter how small. He just has a different MINDSET. He has chosen his life and shaped it and he LIKES IT the way it is! IT IS BY CHOICE that he does the things he does. It is by CHOICE that he works where and how he does and relaxes as he does and HE NEVER acts ungrateful or like it is not enough ! I LOVE HIS APPRECHIATION And his PRESENCE in the moment and time and space he is in with comfort! I LOVE that he is happy with himself and not bitter or seeing what is missing or blaming anyone else for the small moments he is not at his best. I did it again, reread and then added some thoughts so now this doesn't flow...back to how he is indecisive as the rest was written way back when first mentioned that!

I am very decisive but can be patient as I understand being decisive is a challenge for him.

He doesn't really see himself so clearly- but he sees SOME Things and does his best to be the best he can be.

AND he is pretty wonderful as he is albeit flawed as we all are.

Big hearted and loving and caring about other people.

It is funny to me however to observe a pattern here... as there was another issue that he said "Why didn't you tell me about that" when I KNOW unequivokally I DID Talk to him about. In fact multiple times. So it is a wonder when that question was asked and I could distinctly recall TWO Conversations on the topic!

That happened once before to me in a prior relationship.... With Verizon in fact... Who texted me actually this week as he is job hunting and wanted some input as to market rate etc. for senior contract administrators. (Verizon by the way later REMEMBERED and apologized... it was the same issue!! CE La vie.... But makes me think SOME Things being put in writing like my dear friend June does is not such a bad idea after all.... If you WRITE things then it can not be said they were not discussed! CE la vie.. I will not nit pick and ruin relationships over stupid stuff so let it go...)

AH SO Verizon texting me explains why I ALSO heard a few weeks back from another former co worker. She wanted to get together for lunch. I intended to and got busy and then when I tried to log onto Linked in @ work (I NEVER DO THAT but I am also at work so damn much figured could do so for a min just to pull her Phone # which I FORGOT to write down....)

I DID intend to call her... then two , then three and now I think a whole month has gone by.

DAMN she was EXCEPTIONALLY Talented and hard working. If she was let go the whole damn dept must have been and Verizon must be on top of that automation...

pricing quotes is something easily automated I believe. She was a pricing contract manager; a director in the finance area who I suspect is now also job hunting.

Truth be told I am paid less than either of those two individuals were at Verizon I AM SURE. I am sure they prune the tree with the cost heavy branches and are not trimming off the lighter one....

They have years of experience, raises, and older employment contracts with much better benefits. They are management and non union.

They were screwed basically

Right in the spot of middle management with higher end salaries for the market who are the first to be cut.

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