2018-01-06 - 3:31 p.m.

I am listening to the album of the music of the bass player I met and heard play live the past few Friday nights. It just is so beautiful to me and make my heart literally ache and gets me emotional just listening. Stylistically it is that mellow jazz fusion , reminds me of listening to Spyrogyra in high school , weather report... etc... that 70s jazz rock fusion I so love that I discovered then. Reminds me of the music teacher who introduced me to that music who would loan me tapes, bringing them to school for me- the young teacher I had a friendship with that made me and him both suspect (it was nothing short of absolutely appropriate but those nuns at the Catholic school had their minds in the gutter...)

Then of course that wonderful teacher and musician pulled together the jazz band made up of other NYC cats he played with and played at my wedding to the bass player...and then the wonderful years of joy surrounded by such brilliance of music, and even studying with the drummer, guitar player who played with Nina Simone and Richie Havens, and come to think of it was himself in Spyrogyra for a time. My teacher was in the very band I first heard that made me fall in love with jazz.

OH my - those memories were just dormant. Its this weird welling up of emotion when I hear this kind of music. Hard to believe I just was , I was going to say so busy with life and somehow stopped listening to it, but that is not true.

My second husband wanted to kill anything that I loved that was not him. I stopped listening when in a state of sort of trauma, or post trauma avoidance I suppose as to hear this is so very emotional. All this shit not dealt with is still obviously there.

So this brings back all sorts of memories , just the strong emotional response that I have had whenever I hear really good jazz.

It happened when I went out to dinner in Pittsburg on a date last year. My date asked what the highlight of the weekend was and I said hearing the live jazz at the cajan restaraunt .

For him it was the one thing he really wasn't thrilled to do, and he didn't really seem inclined to go in there at that time after we walked the whole city all day long- but it was the highlight for me; next to seeing the amazing photo exhibit of refugees along the waterfront which was just so moving and beautiful. We were walking and I apprechiated he just went ahead and let me linger and we each had a bit of quiet time as really looking at that exhibit felt somewhat sacred to me and I know he didn't or wouldn't quite understand. It reminded me of who I am. The core of who I am. Its like that when I hear such music , that part of self I have shelved in the roles of mother and provider and in surviving when awakened just makes me cry.
Tears of both joy and also the release of pain. I cried that night in Pittsburg , I have no recollection of how it was unnoticed- but it was, same as the tears that quietly and somewhat discreetly leaked out this past Fri and the Fri before. I just well up and they come gently , not free flowing ( I never release that much! I wish I could! Too darn emotionally supressed I believe. Which is one reason I so love anythign my friend who is a music therapist posts as he somehow ALWAYS Makes me cry and it is this cathartic need! He hits my heart and wakens it.) That day in Pittsburg was also beautiful as I was apprechiating both the exhibit and watching my date as he was in the zone taking pictures. I LOVE when I see the artist awaken in him. He is a beautiful photographer, actually a talented graphic artist as well and it makes me happy to see him just in the moment of joy doing what he loves.

There is this problem I think I have however that I have these wounds that still need healing and I wonder if the articulating of some of them then blocks the relationships in the present from being able to actualize. I know it was the wrong thing to say when asked what my fav thing we did it Pittsburg was , to respond with honesty listening to that jazz band. It felt that that was hurtful to my date. It felt like that was similar to the joy I had when I was to hear the first live jazz in VA since moving here from NY - since leaving that life where I was immersed in and around music. mean it was a jazz band we were supposed to go out to hear the night my 2nd husband first pummelled me. Full fisted blows to my arms then my head as he beat me up out of rage and jealousy

I think jealousy as he knew I so loved my husband the bass player, and he saw me light up at the idea of going to hear jazz which this couple was giving us.

And it was my birthday

And I was so excited but he said he didn't want to go,
but I went anyway-

this couple had bought the tickets at $50 each so my friend who was going to babysit came with us instead.
He had been abusive already upstairs, had thrown the first blow and I went with her and the other couple just absolutely stunned.

I did not expect to get further beat up when I got home as his anger I left just grew.

The same day he gave me a meaningless diamond tennis bracelet.

It was all so damn tragic and

it is all so dormant

and moreso all the joy and pain and LIFE and MEMORIES of the prior happy years

Before my first husband's breakdown and illness and addiction of that time...

Just kind of all comes flooding back at once

WHEN I HEAR JAZZ.

BUt most of all it is this overwealming JOY

YES it is the JOY At hearing this music after having not allowed it in my life for so long.

That coupled with the pain that the one gift I always wanted to give my kids is the gift of music. I feel like I succeeded just a bit but not to the extent I aspired to. So I have to just do better with that.

Music is so damn theraputic.

Its so damn necessary.

I am listening to this just incredible music now and will go back to taking the ornaments off the tree.

I really feel like it would be so nice to just leave this tree up ....
but know since I have off work today and am sitting her hanging with the puppy it is something I can get done now.

So I started.

But it is the Feast of the Epiphany.

Perhaps the best gift I just received in meeting this musician is the reminder to just BE.

YES

So For the Epiphany I think I am just going to be. Let the emotion flow forth.

THis happens now as it is truly the space I allow myself to be alone, the FIRST space I have allowed myself to just SIT And be me in a long time. YES it was filled with music but I went out alone last Friday as I WANTED that sacred alone time to just listen to music.
I need to take that time to just be
No agenda
no expectation
no things to be done or undone

But just to be

And then whatever is within that needs to be released comes forth.

I haven't allowed myself that kind of meditative space for a while. Last Sun I brought a couple of my girls out to go to a particular church I enjoy the service which allows such but I got lost and didn't find it until too late! We went out to lunch instead...
Ce la vie... Thank God my oldest tell me fondly they miss getting lost with me and having adventures. I hope the younger girls feel the same way some day!

Running did that for me.
I have not been running of late... have to take care of puppy now and that affects that routine. I was running about twice a week only until Nov. Maybe I will go for a short run later today. Its cold out but that is no matter once I get moving if dressed appropriately.

For now however I am going to listen, and re-listen to this music.

Today I am embracing being still.
It is so darn rare for me , so challenging in a way I set up modeling as a means of carving out those hours to be still.
I haven't worked at that since one of my girls has been living with me full time. Can't be gone in evenings with regularity...

I actually miss the stillness of it. I loved having that space carved out to just be.
I was a conduit and the ego of me, the sense of me in a way because just irrelevant and yet at the same time , it is so hard to explain that artistic process, most fully present knowing part of this creative act while the painters painted their images.
I miss seeing the art. I miss the still life.

Its exceptional.
And I feel like that gift I gave myself of going out alone last Friday was really such an unexpected blessing.

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