Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2018-01-13 - 12:45 a.m.

The worst part about bi-polar illness is the paranoia.

I presume it is truly a manifestation of that illness (so I have been told that I have it) which renders me in a nervous paranoid state much of the time.

This is definately improved when I exercise regularly, for me in particular that meant running regularly in recent years.

I got the puppy in part so I would not be the workaholic as a result of such anxiety. Trouble is that in the morning I am now taking care of her and giving her attention prior to going to work during the time I had been going for my run! So while I do find myself relaxing and getting out of my head when I get home and just spend time with her, I am missing the morning run and that definately impacts my anxiety levels. I so hate being in the state of acute hyper-awareness of everything, including my own manifestations of a medical illness which I think I am quite capable of hiding and working through much of the time. So the puppy is good for me in one respect as very motivating to stop working with obsession (as somehow that strangely is both anxiety induced behavior and anxiety reducing behavior--- anxiety induced as I panic I am not doing my job well enough, then work obsessively with madness in an effort to get it, and be productive and meet expectations. Of course working too much makes one who is not well even WORSE. OR it can make a bi-polar person who is well spiral into an active illness state if not getting adequate rest. So the puppy is really good for my mental health. The worry about HER motivates me to get out of the office earlier./p>

But tonight there was an even stronger motivator to relax which pulled me from the office at a reasonable hour.
The girls were home with the puppy

So I was able to be indulgent and go out to hear the incredible live jazz again. I think I am being coy here a bit.... truth be told, it was not only the fact of the wonderful quartet (singer and trio backing her); but in particular the bass player who was the big pull for me. We had some incredible conversations and I was so delighted to hear him play and get to talk with him again.

I wrote extensively about hearing them recently (and lost the entry) , and wish hadn't. It was one of those very long heartfelt descriptive pieces of writing I actually really liked and POOF I bumped something on the keyboard and lost the poetry...... Ce la vie... perhaps that was not to be shared. Some things I feel like I should not write about out of respect of others and perhaps it was too personal (not to me or of me but just too baring of the concerns of I wrote much about those close to me. YES try to protect the innocent.... but writers in forums public are well aware that is not always possible when being just honest ans letting it flow.) Well I was a bit hesitant to be gone from home so late tonight after work. I worried so about the puppy, and actually somehow forgot that all the girls were coming this weekend- so was thinking it was just Alexy (the one child who lives with me.) Alexy is not the most responsible 15 yr old. She is very typically 15 in that she spends most of her time in her room doing her own thing. She was initially excited about the puppy and gave her alot of care and attention until her sisters all came and then she seemed to me a bit jealous and then pulled back into her own world. So when they are here she pretty much retreats into her own space. I think the noise level alone of three other girls is too overstimulating for Alexy. She had little tolerance for Katie in particular and those two used to go at it when younger. The way they get along now is to stay out of each other's orbits. So I was compelled to go see this bass player play once more as it will be a couple months before they play out this way again. He hails from MD, and the singer's next performance with that trio is not until end of March.

Tonight they did not disappoint yet again.

Live jazz just soothes my soul so much.

There were some really nice people enjoying the music that also were jazz lovers. It was so nice to enjoy their company and conversation.

What is amazing is that one is a jembe player who seriously has passion for it.

So he told me of the best teacher in the city, and told me just to call him.

What an incredible gift , to find a teacher.

I have been looking for one for years. Every time I ventured out to a drum circle the leader was not the teacher I hoped to find. The circles I have found have been more for a students of all abilities and levels who love drumming for the therapy of it, and it those are LOVELY , but musically in the few I have found I have not the teacher I hoped for.

Even the one teacher I found that I drum with who is inspirational and fun to play with for some reason never felt like the right teacher for me. ,,, well I fell asleep at that thought on Friday night as writing this...the woke and wrote more (which now on Sat night just tweaking with a few edits for clarity. Also edits for sake of honesty and being brave- embracing that in life which terrifies me. The gaze and locking of eyes with the bass player teriffied me in a way. The fact I made him speechless when we spoke I think was bit disconcerting to him. The energy and way we resonated when we first really met (upon me going to hear the jazz music alone the second time, and I REALLY intended it to be a very solitary experience- did not expect a conversation at all, let alone a conversation that just kinda blew my mind- I mean unexpected connection) and the fact this fellow has a passion for biking (as I do... someone who like me is thinking a nice ride is 25 miles) and someone who also has a passion for healthy food. *I remember writing here once "I am dating a nice guy, am I really going to stop seeing him because he bought Froot Loops? Well ... YES " I mean to meet someone who is passionate about what we put in our bodies and passionate about JAZZ and passionate about how we humans are violent and need to learn how NOT to be and passionate about not allowing our selves to be brainwashed such that we are brain dead I mean, to me it was just so refreshing to meet someone who I found attractive and interesting and fun to talk with who also is so very aligned with me in so many quirky odd ways, It was just such an unexpected delight to be truly meeting this person I did not expect. When I went out to hear the music I did not expect the bass player to ask if I had any requests, and then for me to say no cause I cant recall the name of the tune, and then for him to play of all damn things the song that was in my head. How can that be anything other than literally, SOMEHOW, being on the actual same wavelength? It was funny I had a tune in my head and was thinking it was Brubeck.... that damn serious memory issue. When I later asked what it was and realized it was from Kind of Blue I felt just torn open , exposed, raw and moved in a way I have not been yet clearly needed to be. I needed somehow for something to rip off those band aid for the wounds to heal. The scars run so deep sometimes we forget they are there. I at least know they are there and try to do what I can to heal them. Back to the writings of last night (as just added the above tonight- Sat night as I think when I came home last night I was more holding my breath in awe and wonder STILL.... I mean it is just so incredible what I think could be opening up to me just now from that encounter of going out with a co-worker. I mean what followed was so un-beliveably wonderful and unexpected, all because I said YES to the lady who has been asking me to go out with her for a year for a drink ( and you know, I never go out for a drink. Its just not something I ever have had interest in doing. Similar how I never go out to eat unless it is suggested by someone else and my preference really is to prepare a good meal at home- unless of course there is a jazz group playing! OR if it is truly something special and unique that I will never otherwise enjoy and make. ) Back to last night when I was sitting at the bar: after eating some fantastic black pepper mahi mahi and surachi... yes the freshest raw tuna.... it was marvelous! I was sitting at the bar enjoying a savaugh blanc from New Zeland, totally into the music....and in particular into the bass player's incredible playing. I mean they ALL were so hot - the playing was incredible. Just such a tremendously locked trio that has synergy and passes the rhythm and themes back and forth with such brilliance... They played this rendition of Eleanor Rigby which was like none I ever heard. I mean I think it was one of the best EVER.... I can hardly write about how intensely good they are. So when the guy sitting next to me, who I had my back to as I was listening to the music, did start talking it was astounding that in a few minutes I was writing the name of a jembe teacher on a napkin. You see I wasn't paying attention at all to who was behind me, or for that matter anyone other than the few folks right between me and the music. But the bass player came over to say a quick hello, and then said something about how he had a CD for a friend of his- and had to go get it and then came back and gave it to the guy right behind me- He was at the bar stool to the right of me if facing the bar, but I was facing the musicians and not the bar. I was introduced to the friend of the bass player, and then during the next set the guy started talking to me. He started off by saying what a great guy the bass player is and asking me how long and how I know him. I told him just from here and that I came to hear the music- as I saw them a few weeks back and was absolutely blown away. I told him I really clicked with the bass player when I met him and just had to hear him play again.u He responded, surprised I think "Oh, just from here?" I said "Yes" This guy told me his story of how he first met this incredible bass player we were watching... and then as we were talking about music, after some time of listening to him speak of his study of music at VCU and of the jazz scene there, and of gigs he played with the piano player who was amazing...etc... I mentioned that I play djembe. And this drummer seemed kind of blown away. I mean you don't just meet a djembe player every day in the burbs of Virginia.... But odds increase a bit if hearing great live jazz... However odds of really great live jazz like that WE Were listening to in the burbs of VA are exceptionally low! So it is wonderful to have , just seemingly randomly, found both amazing music and then on top of it the name of a true master drummer who might be willing to teach. As YES! Without me even asking this of him, the djembe player, who is clearly as passionate about his drumming as the bass player was about his playing, told me that I should call his teacher. Absolutely astounding. The bass player invited his friend this drummer to come to that particular gig last night. The guy also seemed unaware they had played there recently. To me nothing is a coincidence. He could have thought to call him a month ago, or a few weeks ago etc.... But he thought to call him to invite him to come LAST night. And he was sitting right next to me, the djembe player who gave me the name of a true master drummer. One he says will take my call if I call and say I got his name from him. Hey there is at time and season for all things. I felt like meeting that bass player was important to me I was not sure and am not yet sure how important that chance meeting will be Just that it was rather phenomenally different and delightful and unexpected. But now... now I know... if nothing else if nothing more from that chance encounter I have been offered this gift this possibility and I hold a number of one of the few teachers of this music I have played and hope to play again. WOW that is something. I ended the evening with a hug goodby and safe travels to the bass player. A deep held hug from my core. I hope he is safe as he heads out west. And he said " We will talk soon". I left with a bit of tension of frustration.... of wanting more... yes I hope we will connect soon. But came home and wrote to find the peace of apprechiation of the moment, of the present, to squelch the frustration of wanting more... that is almost the disease of our culture everyone always wanting more never apprechiating the moment. So I came home and stilled my mind and slept very soundly last night. As I will tonight. The thing is, when I go to what I consider those light weight drum circles bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb LOL Fell asleep again.... YES Hearing the music relaxed me. Needed after that week of work, being the imposter in the world I must be immersed to support this space for my girls. Happy to be home now to enjoy their company the next couple of days, and MLK Day.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!