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2018-02-03 - 1:34 a.m.

Time to go to bed.

I went out to hear live music and it was just a wonderful show.

So came home and as I love to do after hearing a good live performance, had to obsess and find on line content to continue enjoying the talent.

I also had to confirm what I guessed, that the guest singer who joined the band for a couple songs was the girlfriend of the bandleader.

It was very sweet. There was no obvious interaction which would indicate such but the clear fact the band were professionals who have played together for years and this lovely and talented lady that joined them was not (professional I mean as a part of that band- but a guest! She was good enough to be a professional singer, but somehow I just sensed it was such a loving performance together motivated by a relationship that sparked the creative collaboration.) She was VERY GOOD at what she did- but it was just something I guessed, sensed, read her body language I suppose in the way she was locked into singing each song they were performing with such familiarity one only has when hearing them over and over again. No fan could be that familiar with the songs. I actually was enjoying watching HER enjoying the band. She was truly digging the moment and the music and singing along, locked in watching the singer and had such great energy herself that the two people I was most drawn to watching in the room were the lead singer and her.

I enjoyed the band and the small table of devotees just rapt;
and the most of all was just so moved by one moment.

First of all, I went out alone as I do to hear music. I would love to have my daughters' company (any one or all!) but alas even when they are here home with me, it is rare any have said yes to the offer to go hear live music with me (to my disappointment!)

So I go alone. I have written about this before-I prefer to go alone. Nothing worse than when I am trying to listen to music and someone finds me receptive and then gets chatty. I hate to be rude so I engage, and sure welcome friends, but its one of those things I find somewhat irritating frankly. If someone wants to talk AFTER a show is done then that is a different story- and there is this mutual respect for people ACTUALLY LISTENING. I suppose I am just one of those performance snobs! LOL True though, I am well experienced and graceful in saying "No I really am not interested in getting together" to the dude that approaches; truly saying"Listen don't take it personally I just have no time" TRUE. Not that I am not also open to making connections but it is never to the guy out drinking who happens to like music as the background for that. That is just not my thing and it is obvious who is into music as its a good venue for drink and who is into the music itself and who is combining both (not to judge them) but being the intense personality that ALREADY struggles with this strange attraction to those with addictive personalities (Cause I LOVE INTENSITY I LOVE MASTERY OF A CRAFT and somehow they often go hand in hand... I LOVE GENIUS but really crave normal calm peaceful unremarkable being enough being content...yet not so content as to NOT create! How does the creator create without destroying self is that question I still think viable for artists!!) But heck if you are an OBVIOUS Drinker that is a big turn off. NO THANKS. No it is the CREATOR of artistic work I am drawn to and would welcome in my world. It is someone whom I would find inspiring to help me create or create together. The ONLY Time I was very attracted to a drinker that was an obvious drinker turned out to be because he radiated such JOY And such love! OF COURSE HE WAS IN LOVE! .... SIGH... well ... that is the way it goes. Those who are happy and living fulfilled life radiating joy are attractive. They are often also rarely single HA HA... just saying. But sometimes they become single eventually... That is honestly how I started seeing the guy I date. I found him super attractive years before and it is very obvious to me it was because he was at the time so in love! The radiating joy of his shared love at the time was what was attractive! (Of course he has many attractive traits but interestingly it was THAT JOY!) I like to believe when in each other's presence we also share radiant joy. Think we kinda do.... ; ) Its why I spend time with him. I also noticed many of his friend LAUGH. They have those deep laugh lines... things I like in people and notice- happy eyes!
So my teen remained home listening to K Pop was happy.

and I went out solo and enjoyed the music (except for the predictable part of a chatty dude... who did go away after a few... not that I didn't enjoy a nice fe moment convo but darn he kept trying to talk so I missed really listening for a bit.
So going home of course then enjoyed the videos found; personal blogs; instagrams, and now editing in the morning as sun rises the CD of this pro performer. It is heartening to meet anyone who is LIVING As an artist MAKING IT AS AN ARTIST and has focus and given up other day jobs! TRULY that is so darn rare I get so happy when I meet such creators. I want, of course to find out more.

So first I was obsessing , in a rare departure- as never before searched out the on line presence of a guest that sang, but whom was primarily there WATCHING the band before... typically its just the BAND I want to know more about and hear music of.

I am up late however because it turns out the girlfriend of the lead singer is a life coach with some really good content!

So I was watching her videos, reading her coaching blogs and just so fascinated by content. I even followed a personality test

(It said I am a QUESTIONER) No surprise there.

Before digging into her great content however I had to send a msg and link of this life coach to my not boyfriend - the one not in this city who could not say I love you.... (He can write it, he can write a salutation "love", he can send me CDs romantically even, he can draw roses or hearts on hand made card... but he can't come out and say the words. Its hilarious. I pushed through my GREAT anxiety to utter them... the first time it was just a natural thing... in context of being happy and not even thinking ... like when say it to my best friends... but since in context of with intentionality when he hints at it and can't say it! HE can SHOW his deep feelings, he can attest "You are a part of me- you really have become a part of me" , he can say other words but not those three. I can't consciously , when THINKING about it say them without great anxiety- so we laugh about it.

So one of the songs sung tonight include a lyric "I tell you I love you , but only when your sleeping"
which really resonated with me and made me laugh heartily. I am editing here and rambled on that topic... but wanted to add that for a year I have been encouaging my guy to get a life coach as he says he wants to take his business to the next level. So finding two thing: The gal's pod cast AND her life coaching practice to me seemed really fantastic. Particularly as my guy told me today "Hey it's 'National I Love You' day. So said 'Oh really' Hey I love you' to which he said something else and I said how I thought of him when seeing an uploaded ad on FB for a florist shop highlighting a story of an acquaintance which tells of his eight year long distance courtship of his now wife... and it made me happy and of course think of him. So it was funny my guy says , as he will ' I think you really like me' and I laughed and said ' Sure that's what I said- Oh you have a knack for hearing what you want' and he said 'Oh you sound like my father, he used to say that' " We do laugh about our mutual shared fear of commitment issues. UH OH I hope this is not a relationship with DADDY issues and I am the Father Figure! LOL (Just joking... Know that theory that with four brothers I am more masculine in some personality traits so find myself in relationship with men who are in touch with their feminine side... LOL .....

But after that convo today, in which I also threw in a comment alluding to come visit DC ( See I have been dating this guy for over a year ....good lord a year and a half and he has never been HERE where I live! Fine for a while... but you know kinda like dating they guy that it then dawned on me that I was seeing for nearly damn four years but NEVER MET his kids it will dawn on me one day *THIS IS (#%P@& @)@ and I deserve MORE in a relationship at some point. Anyway.... no idea when that moment might be, could be next year could be in years... that is the thing... and maybe it won't come... For now I am the rare girl with the attitude don't date me if you are not OK that I will lose my cell phone for days on end... and be super busy and be able to talk to you once in a while... sometimes once a week sometimes it might be more and sometimes the rare spurts of greater time to connect in conversation. I keep my own distance. (YES I KNOW I HAVE ISSUES!) so until then, either when one of us find this not working or we mutually agree to push through issues and try for something different, I will enjoy the company of the guy I enjoy the company of when I do have opportunity to see him. Would not continue to see him as long as there is interest and possibility of more! So back to the singing of the lyric "I tell you I love you but only when your sleeping" reminding me of the Grey's Anatomy episode where that kind of fear of commitment is dealt with ( and this is a relationship kudo for me that my guy finally did chill and binge watch series one and is in two catching up to where I am... See I send him the $5 set of DVDs found at a thrift store to match my .99 clearance set bought when Blockbuster went out of business years ago-- and he too is a workaholic that doesn't do things like chill and watch TV much.... so I am only on season two and I am so very happy that he finally did decide to give this a try and when caught up perhaps we will actually try my idea of a "virtual date" where we watch the same episode and same time and schedule our date night once a week. I am not sure he can commit to that.... once a week at the same time ... doing the same thing.... it might be too much for him (LOL! He has issues too ....I saw this jokingly as of course we all do).... So back to the moment of the singer delivering that lyric: ( By the way I have the awful habit of writing then going back to edit one darn misspelling and then stream of consiousness flow takes over and I ramble on... have to find the thread of the initial story... The ADD BRAIN ever firing - so trying this again) . Back to the moment of the singer delivering that lyric "I love you but only tell you when I am sleeping : ( I could go on as that was a charged lyric and the well fount of response in me is deep clearly) That was the moment the singer noticed I was truly listening to his music and paying attention to the lyrics. I think no one else laughed as I did. I found it hilarious....

So anyway, I did enjoy a nice chat as he afterwards said he apprechiated that I enjoyed the music.

I apprechiated the performance, and the chat, and the life coach's site
and then ... in reading her wonderful blog she wrote
"While my boyfriend is in Barcelona..."

That was the key to confirmation they are a couple. Quick google of his name and Barcelona and up popped a twitter pic...

same time frame.

I think I had been reading the life coaching content and her blog for a good hour by then. She is so interesting- multi talented and motivating.
I am ALWAYS impressed by anyone that has confidence to invest in living their dreams.

The few minutes convo I had with her boyfriend the musician really included that briefly as I was heartened to hear he said this is one of the best markets to be a working musician. People have MONEY here and they pay for music. Weddings, and shows and with marketing one can make a living.

But I do note that BOTH of these individuals do a kick ass job of marketing and both have BLOGS and subscription podcasts and are stellar at creating their own personal brands.

They are both successfully living their dream of doing the work they love
but CLEARLY are working exceptionally HARD To do that.

Yet I get the sense they have better work/life balance than most.

I just don't get anyone who is not working at what they love with PASSION if they can. I get it when other obligations.... as that is a DIFFERENT kind of working with passion at and for what you love! I mean I work with passion to provide a safe home for my children.

THAT MEANS for me taking job(s) that will enable that.

It matters less the content of the work done in those jobs (as long as ethical and something I can support). THIS IS ALL SO TEMPORARY during this phase of life- the MOTHER , the NURTURER PHASE.

I should pull out that book on creativity and motherhood again..
the one I read when thinking I just want to be a writer.

SO this wonderful life coach has a coaching practice and has as her brand


Now you can see why I was obsessively reading all I could of hers as that was one of the first things I found of hers. Her podcast. And the first thing I read of was a podcast discussing ending violence.

Its amazing how we end up where we are meant to be, to meet the people we are meant to meet I believe. I feel like too often people doubt, question and have little trust in intuition and then don't follow up on the opportunities that arise. They question they are good enough, or that their gut instinct could possibly be valid. Self doubt and fear take over and we don't follow up with a moment which could otherwise be of significance-

the opportunity lost,
the person you didn't call who you had a spark of interest in that just might have been YOUR Soul mate had you not let fear overcome?

The job you might have received had you been bold enough to speak up and introduce yourself

The project that could have come to fruition if you shared your idea with enthusiasm rather than question it or question your own capability.

I honestly believe there are no such things as coincidences.
We are meant to be where we are.
And have to sometimes stop looking at the distractions around us, and pay attention in the moment, and follow one's gut instinct.

OH I almost forgot to write about the moment that made me HAPPIEST tonight TRULY

I started and got distracted:
Well when I walked in the place, alone as usual, it was a nice surprise to be greeted by a friend who gave me a big bear hug which cracked my back really well! Boy I had no idea how much tension was there!
Friend was local fellow, actually the guy who did my basement rennovation a couple years back. So after a satisfying big deep hug and cracked back, a lady at that long rectangular table pointed to the empty chair near where he was sitting and offered for me to join them.
I did, and it was GREAT as they were all listening to the music! (Optimal! Not distracting... and I could deeply listen) I arrived around 9pm, when the band was well into their set.

Someone had a piece of paper held up and they all kinda laughed, band and folks-- I saw FAM... and there were some family at the table so I wondered if the paper said something about Family.... (later learned from the instagrams that at a show recently a group of ladies wrote FAN CLUB and put it on their table so this was a replication of that with humor from friends that came to hear the band.)
So anyway, I was sitting there and at one point a lady at the table was trying to call out a request to the singer. He could not hear her. I heard what she said and walked up to the band and told the mandolin player "She requested 'Just a Friend'"

So they played the song, but first the singer said "My mother want me to play ' Just a Friend'"

YES it was my happy place. The joy of watching my son swells in me when I get such opportunity to watch him perform; and it made me so overjoyed (REALLY!) To be in the presence of another mother savoring the joy of her son as he performed.

To me that was one of the most beautiful things I could have encountered.

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