2018-02-04 - 8:34 p.m.

DAMN

There are now two pieces of art I want to purchase someday if they are still out there and I can afford them.

I feel like if I recall correctly the painting of Art's that I really wanted was SOLD last I checked.

It was of the flowers at a market in Downtown Winchester.

I thought of that last night as I walked the outdoor mall which was so lovely lit by lanterns in the night and I was the sole walker of it. I in fact left the live show I saw still processing the fact I just experienced amazing music for $8. Not only the singer songwriter but also a so called "Americana" rock band that has gotten much acclaim as they tour the East Coast. I was enjoying the walk and really taking in all I saw yet did not notice I walked the wrong way and was enjoying things I did not see as I rushed in to be on time. I wasn't paying attention to surroundings much upon arrival but really enjoyed the walk to my car- despite the fact I walked in the wrong direction at first so had to walk much of that walking mall twice. I was also at first distracted by being awed at the incredible music I just heard. As I left I was thinking that it was just so good and marveling that I watched such talent for only $8. That just felt so WRONG, so undervalued in our market.

I have to support those musicians and buy CDs. ( But I did buy one the night before so will wait a while before getting the ones of the musicians heard last night; Staying in budget.)

So today I planned on doing lots of marketing work; but first

in an act of procrastination,as yes marketing work for arts org makes me very stressed as it is HARD for me to do, so in an act of procrastination-

I first DID MY TAXES.

I know it weird, but I kinda love doing my taxes.

I am really quite competent at it.
I think I understand tax law much better than many average accountants.
Its a fun process for me for some weird reason; the applying the rules; the accounting.
There are rules and if you follow them you get it done.

I decided if I get a good tax refund due to awful financial planning (no one should let the feds make interest gains on THEIR $)- but also due to not having the tenant income much of the year and taking too much out in taxes and forgetting to adjust (I typically OWE)....
I will buy SOME painting of Arts. Not sure which one, but will look at what he has and not do so surreptitiously but just let him know I want one.

I couldn't in the past. I was afraid he would give me one. I wanted to support his work not ask for a gift. NOW however I KNOW he will let me buy one. Times have changed...
and his girlfriend would have nothing less and he can't rock the boat. He also likely won't let her know it is ME who is purchasing one, which I get. Fine. Although I would prefer if he would just feel comfortable with us meeting each other. I get it... that will never happen.

So in a quick break, as for some reason - maybe after the writing this morn , the bass player was on my mind for the first time in weeks. REALLY , have not thought of him in a while... but then did today
I googled him.
Thinking to see if he is playing anywhere... just wondering if any calendar dates on his west coast travels
and wondering if he is really traveling or as they call it "Ghosting " me. (hoping not - hoping not to find EAST coast or local to my area dates. But if they WERE out there did want to KNOW).
"Ghosting" is a relatively new term for dropping communication completely and disappearing- specifically used in dating rituals in which that is a trend apparently.

I wondered if he intended to do that and the story of travel was BS.

What made me wonder is he said something of how he had to travel TUE. But then got a text on a MON of that week saying he was at airport and about to board the plane, and something about no time for a visit.

The inconsistency made me wonder.

And the "We'll talk soon" but no phone calls.

But then again maybe I was not listening. OR maybe he is as ADD as me and gets confused.

Then again I did lose my phone for a whole week almost ( I do that all too often too! Mon I had it when went to library to work on marketing stuff and left it in the coat pocket and did not wear that coat again until YESTERDAY! SIGH Yes I am socially inept...)

HELL I am VERY familiar with people doubting my integrity due to inconsistency which has nothing to do with honestly but all to do with my inability to keep track of days and times and ADD traits like losing my phone and calendar.

IF he is like that TOO well then...
Damn...

Cause I came to write as I am REALLY just done with taxes, and for kicks did that google

but up popped NOT dates of shows I hoped to see out of curiosity

But two damn things which are eerily weird as they are not typical of people

Two things that again feel oddly close to my personal experiences:

1. A portrait painted by an artist of him.

JUST STUNNED Me and made me shake. I mean I have had MANY portraits painted of me, and yes some are out there to be sold. But none have my name.

This one named him.

And it is just beautiful.
It captures some of the emotive expression of him playing.

To me that portrait speaks

NOt only of him in the particular
But of the moment I had when he ripped me wide open and exposed what was there.

If I could find a portrait of my Ex husband playing bass in HIS Moment WELL I would want that to be hung in my home.

But short of that

This

It just is so beautiful and to me captures the JOY of so many moments.

Not just the bass player in the portrait really at all; but about my experiences; and the universal experiences of us all when we hear someone play so deeply soulful and brilliantly that it break our collective heart as well as bring such beauty in this juxtaposition which is almost supernatural in its rare occurance- feels somewhat sacred.

So honestly I would buy that if I could.

His playing to me, when I thought about it and descibed it, is the moment when he completely lets go of his self to be the conduit. When he is emtied of ego and allows the creative energy to flow and becomes one with the music.

That act of creation takes us out of ourselves where we are no longer self concious and at the same time can be so vulnerably self exposed with such abandon.

It is necessary to let go of ego and allow what comes forth to be created, to emerge.

It is so incredible when that happens
The creative energy
the act of beauty coming forth- whether of a painter, or an actor, or a musician.

I live for those moments.

It is in its own right a painting lovers of music, of art- of ANY ART would apprechiate I think as it really encapsulates that moment of creating.

So that happened.
And I am once again blown away.

If I could I would buy that painting.

And then this:

The second thing I saw pop up that did not find previously was a photograph of him playing bass at-- now get this, posted on
A Unity Church site.

I won't even go into that just now, other than I searched for Unity to find a community just a month ago and it did not pop up on my crappy GPS. I know there is one about a 45 min to hr drive and was looking to find one in MD cause I know there is also one there. I have been to the ones in VA and that Sun did not find it so took two of the girls who would go with me on an excursion in a quest for next best ... Unitarian, cause IT kept popping up in my searches.

Not the same however.

I wanted the meditation of the Unity service. I oddly had this urge to drive north to find the one in MD that I know is there, but was further for a couple folks who would come over the mountain (despite living in MD) to come to service in VA when it was held here.

I was seeking that. I had the thought of driving to MD then ignored that instinct thinking "What a crazy thought? Why would I drive to MD to go to a church?? I will just find something local"

So I somehow find it fascinating those are the two things that popped up.

TWO IMAGES
A painting and a photograph.

Both are truly beautiful.

DAMN
This Internet thing makes it really odd when you have interest in someone as it is so very weird that at the touch of a key you can find out so much which to me is VERY PERSONAL.

And to find it so resonates... yet again

So very, very , very ....
mind blowing.

Well, taxes are done, and that distraction also worked through.

Raitlin and I just enjoyed spagetti with what was left of the sauce I made earlier this week. SO dinner over,
procrastination done.

Time to finally focus on the marketing work. I have to get a bit more done on that before the weekend is up and I head off to bed. JUST A BIT.
I will go post some info on sites about upcoming activites. That I can get done somewhat quickly. I do need to get out a newsletter but I need to find a story of one of the particpants of the arts program. I think the newsletter should be ALL ABOUT THE PARTICIPANTS so won't send it out until satisfied it tells someone's story!

All the rest... the business stuff... the fundraising...etc.. The participants don't care about that and I think this should be FOR THEM first and foremost.
It should be about that creation of art. That fact we celebrate and find joy in enabling those who want to , to experience such moments of creation.

They are in fact some of the most sacred moments here on this earth.
THAT is what I write about when I send out the newsletter.

The individuals and their joy of creation of their art.

Nothing less will make me feel like I have fulfilled MY role in this.

So tabling that for just a few more days until I can get an interview with an artist.

I want SOMEONE to look at THAT artist's story, and THAT artist image and someday just be blown away by the resonating of shared energy and experiences.

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