2018-02-04 - 9:01 a.m.
Frustrating ADD Moment
I wanted to start my morning finishing the novel Ishmael which I actually bought for my son to send as his belated Christmas gift.
I have a $50 gift card for Macy's to be sent as well and sadly never sent gifts off to him. I figured the girls might have some things to give him and we would put them in one package. Other years I was good at shipping gifts to all my family before the holiday but this year just did not get to it.
Everyone also got a Grinch shirt which was just the fun silly gift, as my guy who I ran the Thanksgiving Turkey Trot with me made one for each of the kids in hopes some of them might be able to join us. The idea was get whomever could together and do that run. It ended up being a nice Thanksgiving of just he and I doing that, and then enjoying the happy hippy vegan meal with my daughter and her Bennington friends.
So I gave everyone the T Shirts as Christmas gifts.
Soren is so sweet and understanding. I just never found the right gift for him and I never just buy crap. So he will be surprised to get a very late package with Christmas gifts whenever this finally gets shipped.
BUT FIRST , since very practical and the girls said (at least one or two) they had something for him but we never all got it together-- (so next weekend when here will get it done!)- I finally found the perfect gift in a book called ISMAEL.
I never heard of it before but came across it in reading an article of an interview with the Trancendental meditation spiritualist bass player hippy; heck never met one moreso I think than that dude who studied so he claims for a couple of years with the Maharshi John Lennon etc. all were rapt by for a time. It was fascincating to hear a bit of the bass player's story of his experience who either truly has faith in that guru or was just trying to lay on think the spiritualism thinking it a good tactic for bewitching and let me call it some men's version of "foreplay" otherwise known as "seduction". ( I tend to think that bass player showed enough signs of narcissim as he did not want to continue a conversation over tea some day... and I laugh at men's lame tactic to play dumb and helpless after trying to impress a woman with their deep insightful spiritual knowledge- I mean the vacillation between being the expert at something few know about with is a good pull in as interesting... then to flip to saying "Hey can you give me a good route to here.... " the almost sad "How do I get home?" when the guy played that gig many times over turns out the last more than half dozen years ....LOL
I mean the HINTS for me to offer in that pouring rainy night to just "rescue" him in his plight and say "Oh but I live so much closer than MD... so just stay with me" BUT NOT A direct invite! HECK I respect the man who says more directly "I would so love to have you come home with me tonight"
NO pretending it is something it is not.
I didn't call him out on it and make any fun, or laugh, or bite the bait... I mean if two ARE eager to hit the hay together those lame attempts can WORK But not with me. I just expect more. I expect EFFORT and getting to know me and sustained interest. I expect being CLEAR. And when we did have one phone converstation after just resonating on so many levels when he said "We just don't need to even talk anymore" yes that was implied... but not clearly articulate.
So we met, we resonated. They guy asked if he could have my # saying "What if I want to see you before I play here again"
It was funny as I could barely process what he spoke as my mind in the moment was just reeling and the fact they just played the very song I had no name in my head for so couldn't call out when he asked "Any requests" but then they played "So What" NOT just then after I said "No, Yes but I can't remember the name of the song" , but ended the set with it.
So it was some time later - not even when he asked when I said "OH I heard what you asked before, and I wasn't ignoring you. Absolutely. " and gave him my #
Then he did call. We had just a mind blowing conversation on the phone one time for a couple of hours. I mean there were moments of speechlessness.
Funny my last few posts kept reiterating how I go out alone JUST TO HEAR MUSIC.
That was likely the mantra - me repetitively writing such- as I needed to remind myself of that! Just to handle what had happened.
Repeated it to remind my self of that FACT. It is a fact. I love to go hear music alone.
Or so I wanted to convince myself.
Something occurred last night which made me realize it might not be the case ALL the time.
YES sometimes I love to hear music alone. I love to listen and focus.
BUT DAMN it is BETTER if you can SHARE that experience.
I so missed my guy I date with whom I DO share that experience.
So last night made me miss him more as I went out again to hear music. It is a show I bought a ticket for some weeks ago very excited to support a homegrown musician who I watched perform as she developed here talent here in Loudoun, and like a few select others then went on to Berklee. She came back, not home (due to being disowned it seems....likely as she is a musician! SAD!) ... but now says how she is from West VA.
I know better.
But she lives there now and writes heartwrenching lyrics Lyrics I would quote if they would not identify her so immediately. She will be famous one day undoubtedly. There is just NO DOUBT.
So last night I watched this incredibly talented singer songwriter and just wished my guy was here with me.
It was not he bass player I want. I wanted the guy who I have been seeing. It is him I want. I know this.
I have known this.
But what I want with him is those moments of connection. Those soulful conversations. I wish he loved jazz like I do. I wished when we call out the highlights of our weekend that he would name the small cafe where there was a great band playing jazz....
but that is ok we don't have to love the same things. We just have to enjoy enough of them to have a shared experience of connection. In is just missing that kind of connection that made it feel bit loney last night.
I also heard some dynamic performances the night before! For some reason that was not feeling like a lonely night as the mood of that space and performers were so very different. It was for some reason COMFORTABLE going into a really crowded dynamic venue alone!
I think that is the difference.
When going into a small intimate setting, where at first there were only 12 people! HONESTLY I almost teared up with sadness and shock to have only 12 people there at 8pm when this incredibly gifted young lady was about to tear open her soul and share her self with whomever came to accept it as she poured out her emotion in her music-
But then people trickled in ... two by two or three for the most part.
And I think that is why it felt so lonely .
I love being alone in a crowd but alone in an space where such visceral emotion is shared when there are few and mostly couples or a few groups of friends just feels so very different.
It made me want to be sharing that kind of moving moment with someone I love.
But to be honest with myself I wrote about going to hear music alone as preference moreso as that weekend I went out to hear jazz it was the weekend of my beloveds 50th birthday. And I wanted to celebrate that milestone with him. I yearned to be able to . And I did not even send a damn card. I didn't even get it together to do that ahead of time.
I need the right card of course , the right words. I thought we might actually get together. I sent a small gift thinking it would be a start... a CD of shared moments of us enjoying music.
YES those are some of the most sacred shared moments for me, and I think he gets that. So he knows that is special .It felt like enough to be honest.
But still , I want more - I want to do more I want to be more for him than distant.
I want to be able to truly offer and provide the support he needs to grow into his best self.
And there is nothing more emotionally rendering me raw than hearing that jazz.......
so it created just a moment of vulnerablity, and loneliness... and I feel like my heart was wide openly bleeding so overtly. I was missing my guy then ripped open wide...
So in that mindset of missing him, I was just a bit de-railed when I met that bass player. When I really connected and was not expecting nor looking for such. It was just one of those mind blowing experiences. Then the whole fact of the DRUMMING! I mean I have enjoyed drumming and had not done so in a while. I still want to reach out to the jembe player and make it to DC some time. So but a moment was a catalyst for events which brought things into my life that I love and am enriched by! And I SO BELIEVE In embracing those connections and not missing when things I think are meant to be in our lives SHOW UP. They come when we need them but sometimes I think people are not paying enough attention and let the opportunities slip by.
But it is what it is the moment of connection with the bass player. But a moment. If he ends up being a real friend and does reach out when back in town great. If not, so be it. If it was a moment that leads to me drumming with a master in DC even once, well so be it.
I just hope he was not attempting to take advantage of my obvious vulnerability in the moment. I hope he really apprechiated the openness of my soul and it was a true shared connection and he was not solely self interested.
There was not an opportunity to get together to explore this potential of the connection with the bass player himself
(OR it was not made) So maybe that is not what that connection was about. Maybe it was just about the healing I NEEDED and he was the catalyst for some deep wounds to be opened and for the pus inside to be cleansed. It was a deeply cathartic experience for me the opening of those wounds. The healing.
The guy was traveling to record in CT.
But he did call and I did go hear the next gig.
He did greet me like I was there to see him. (Truth is the band is so damn GOOD I would have been there just to hear the music again. I WAS SO MOVED BY THE MUSIC)
But it was nice.
But then when I said
"NO I have no secret route, you live in MD over the bridge I think there is 15 N "
Oh the ridiculous question was even more ridiculous now that I think of it " IS there a better way than catching that ferry"
White's Ferry One of my favorite bike rides ever actually was riding up 15 and then catching the Ferry and then riding the trails in MD.
NOW THAT IS WHAT I ENVISIONED a friendship with this guy doing! I envisioned a BIKING BUDDY!
I mean when you find one who Loves to bike as much as I do FOR TRANSPORTATION and not cause it is an economic choice... Oh my God I have not met ANYONE in PERSON who has been so passionate about that as myself.
I took the damn car off the road to promote that healthy lifestyle.
It was by far THE BEST PARENTING Decision I ever made.
So I am frustrated at the lack of actual interest I think in nurturing a friendship around the shared interests and lifestyle choices. Things like eating raw food - heck I went so far as producing much of what we ate.
So this guy might be more prostelyzing which is an absolutely ANNOYING and socially awful trait (Narcissisic and offensive) but I think I get it that he is still rapt in that sort of... I don't know how to describe that spirital phase- but think of the born again person who at first goes through the phase of wanting to evangalize and change everyone around them. So this guy is kinda like that to irritation of those around him about his mantras of eating healthy
But for one like me form whom that is just a NORMAL lifestyle thing and I don't talk about it just live it , that is clearly a manifestation of insecurity (as narcissistic traits always are) and I guess I just overlook that and ignore it and think it FUN to occassionally talk and articulate beliefs with someone who is aligned for most part.
BUT then of course I relished the Oysters the bartender complimentary gave the really lovely lady geriatric physical therapist drinker who is a jazz lover I was also resonating with and enjoying company of that night. She was just an awesome soul and I enjoyed meeting HER immensely! I know she will be back there so it is kinda nice to find that local Cheers where the kind, lonely drinkers go that has amazing jazz for this non drinker to enjoy with my cup of tea! I enjoyed Oysters and ignored the comments of the "Expert" when he was talking of how he used to eat those but doesn't anymore and went into the merits of vegan, no meat etc..even no fish...
So yes he is extreme. I don't mind those intense extreme folk. They can be fun to hang with and converse with.
I can ignore differences and enjoy SHARED EXPERIENCES.
And I so need to get my body in motion. I so need to run and bike and swim and stay healthy and in shape. The physical helps the mental so much!
SO I guess I am annoyed as NOT ONLY because I am getting the sense that if this guy doesn't call again that he really was just looking for a good lay. And I thought I found one that might be a friend.
I don't take a lover who is temporary... but hold onto a good thing for a long time SO it takes me a long time to get to know a man and DECIDE if this is a person sharing my limited time with. I mean come on ... you have to have some conversations and a few dates. I have had rare departures of sleeping with a man more quickly than typical for me... but you have to KNOW it is right.
You can't KNOW that is right after a couple quick convos in a bar where a guy was AT WORK for Christ's sake.
I just find it really narcissistic for any person to think they can woo anyone like that WHEN IT IS CONVIENIENT and someone is in their orbit to bite the bait.
AGAIN it comes down to being obvious when a man or woman just wants to get laid.
Not that I disrespect that human instinct and in fact normal animal behavior as being part of man. BUT I RESPECT that we have higher critical thinking skills so I respect HONESTY when man or woman is direct about what it is they want and are looking for!
THEN you have a foundation of HONESTY and possibility of relationship development regardless of how it began.
I just rail at disingenious conversation and behavior. But I guess moreso it is hurtful when have what feels like a deep connection and then get disregarded. That is what feels like happened here. NOW MAYBE I am wrong and he will call and want to nurture a friendship.
I was not looking to sleep with him.
I didn't bite the bait as I went out to go out to hear great music and if make a friend great... heck if find a lover along the way of life even better... but you know some men don't seem to get that even if you click immeditately few women are going to jump to that quickly... and if you are looking for that don't play deep and spiritual as your tactic just be honest and go on Tinder.
(OH YEAH But they make old guys PAY More for that! Just hear that on the radio and its somewhat a hilarious if awful marketing thing-- if you are old they don't WANT you on Tinder so its free for the 20 somethings but rates go up from there! LOL The discussion on the radio had me cracking up and immeditately think that older hippy musician really just wanted to get laid! SEE he acted like he wanted to connect and talk to me but like most was disengenous.
then even more fun to read what is out there on the internet
OK so I guess in this case I am both ranting this vent as am a bit disappointed that the quirky weirdly odd for being so completely counter culture (BUT WHICH I RESPECT And especially around here...) interesting hippy who also is a proponant of a sober life- CREATING MUSIC WITHOUT MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCES OR ALCOHOL OR EXCESS
I mean I met someone who is not destroying their self in the pursuit of their art
Someone who embodies the theme and theory (MY THEORY To take ownership of it) that the artist masks fear with things like drugs BUT THEY HAVE THE GIFT and if they just KNEW IT they would create not only the SAME WORK but likely MORE AND BETTER Without the distraction of alteration.
Its the same premise/question I find so damn fascinating which is one of the most compelling to me. I think the first blog entry ever here was on that topic.
So for ME to meet one DOING THAT The absolute EXPERT who is now teaching and truly passing on their skill and talent to youth and aspiring them to create
just was so exciting to me.
So they guy wanted to sleep with me. Clearly in that MOMENT a hint. Why should that make me angry?
Maybe cause I couldn't?
Maybe cause I might have wanted to bite the bait?
Maybe at some level cause I didn't?
I don't know...
I just know that I guess I am pissed that he dropped communication after I didn't bite that bait. I was excited to perhaps have a FRIEND who resonates with me spiritually (He clearly spiritually DOES buy into much of the core values- which even if the guru was a fraud I think the fraud part comes in the guru not acknowledging the co-joined nature of spirituality and HUMANNESS.
These holier than though folk who don't admit they have urges then don't ever DEAL WITH THEM.
You don't learn to CONTROL and impulse by pretending it is not there
You don't learn to master your demons, your personal vices if you IGNORE Them.
They then come out in full force, unbridled and untamed out of frustration.
So it is often the priest, the gurus, those who deny sexuality and don't ADDRESS IT properly by achknowledging it who later have the problem of those called "sex crazed' as they DO Then dysfunctionally try to HIDE this part of self. IT is only manifest HIDDEN If you HIDE it
then it is only brought forth when no one knows
how messed up that is!
AND Lets not ignore that one of the most DEEPLY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE ON THIS EARTH IS GREAT SEXUAL CONNECTION WHEN CONNECTING WITH ANOTHER Its the ulimate spiritual experience we as mortals can have. The physical manifestation of shared souls of two becoming one energy in that union. The stuff we are all really aspiring to -
REAL meaningful connection with others
which is why sex is such a pull
such a drive
it is one of the most soul gratifying and deeply spiritual moments we can have on this earth.
That is precisely WHY in judeo-christian traditions sex is so sacred it is reserved for the sacramental marriage!
That is also why in other pockets of organizing spiritualist communities there are things like orgys! There are those who I am sure ARE deeply spiritual but then take that as the highest manifestation of sharing souls and love and the collective consciousness and devoid of a belief in monogomy but coming from a polyamorous view then in makes perfect sense that the so called "sex crazed" hidden communities are actually deeply spiritual and seeking the ultimate manifestation of feeling those spiritual highs of endorphine rushes that make them feel close to God, the ultimate creator, close to such powerful creative energy.
Heck sex is creative energy.
But some mistake its power to be God like and that is where the dysfunction and twisted behavior and selfishness comes in and why those communities end up so damned and unhealthy and are deemed crazy cults
as in the end there is often a using of that creative power FOR well.. power and misused of that creative energy. That potential for a spiritual moment corrupted.
Wow that was a BIG ADD diversion moment.
Started writing cause I thought I was going to write about my small ADD frustation of a mislayed book!
I am close to the end of reading ISMAEL by Daniel Quinn, the book that the bass player said in an interview changed his life and put him on this path of how to live..
which I just want to mail to my son, the very spiritual soul who himself is vegan. That book will resonate with him.
I just stopped writing for a moment and found just what I needed to complete the package! I wanted to include something for his girlfriend as well. I found coffee mugs that say on one side "With Gorilla Gone Is There Hope For Man?" and on the other "With Man Gone Is There Hope For Gorilla?"
NOW That is a fun gift worthy of sending! Once the mugs come, and I find the darn misplaced book I have two or three chapters left to read, and next weekend the girls get their gift to their bro together and THEN we can finally ship off the package!
So THAT Was my small frustration that sparked my writing: I was enjoying my tea while reading, planning on wrapping this book up before wrapping it up; and the beautiful puppy started chewing on something she pulled from the one last box of miscellaneous items gifted me from June in her move I helped her with a couple weekends ago. Stuff I can use... she can't. So I stopped reading to put those things where they belong and clear the final box that sat in my living room. Took the moments of movement to also move laundry along, do some folding, put some things away, got some chores done for a while.
AND while I have found my cup of tea, and enjoyed the rest of it while writing,
I STILL Have no idea where I set down ISMAEL.
I feel less frustrated on ALL accounts having written and identified my underlying issues!
Realize pissed the bass player has not called or texted a hello at all (just hoped even one during this month of his travels. He is out west for a month- family and friends and I am positive lover or lovers to see...)
And frustrated I have not had time to see MY LOVER since Thanksgiving.
And wish we had more time to nurture THAT part of our relationship.
So I just need to get back to my responsibilities and know that time will come.
We will figure it out as to when we can next get together. <
I just so hope he makes it here to visit sooner rather than later!
OK so in writing I addressed my own underlying very human frustration.
I am frustrated as I have a good relationship with the guy I am seeing but DAMN he best get his ass here at some point as I have neither the funds nor the ability to travel now due to family obligations.
Yes and I am human and have a sex drive too.
So it is just at times frustrating when those human urges (some will say needs) have to be tabled and not met.
YES that is it.
and so when I turn down opportunity for what likely COULD HAVE been a gratifying moment (truth be told regardless of the attachment and relationship with guy out of city I STILL Would have done so because of obligation to daugher who lives with me.. and I am not bringing a man home here unknown unless it is in a well developed long term relationship of dating for some time! BUT ALSO cause well.. also ? I guess that is the also... I might have not gone right home when it was clear that guy wanted to connect with me more on some level when he was done working if the conditions were right. I might have just gone home as frankly it is my style to not be self indulgent quickly despite MY URGES and visceral needs.. it IS My style to be sure the guy is in it for a long haul (not necessarily commitment in the traditional sense but development of mutual respect in a well thought out decison to actually become lovers! Certain pre-requisites for me were not even there. ) So I guess that is in a nut shell the truth of the frustration: I could have responded to the hints, the comment on the call, the body language... the opportunity. I could have had what may likely been a very fulfilling sexual connection with a man I resonated with spiritually and intellectually- soulfully. But I chose not to. I chose not to due to other responsibilities, and one of which is the unspoken responsibility that I love this man in another city and have chosen him as my love, as impractical and frustrating as that is. To build TRUST To not share my soul with another but to make OUR relationship special because he has found a way into my heart and my his. Whether we articulate it or not or choose a commitment or not doesn't change the reality.
And whether it is perfect or not is not the point. All relationships have issue to work on. Distance is just one. Its not any more or less challenging than other issues people deal with which are blocks to meaningful open connection. It is just a MORE OBVIOUS one.
One of the most important things however is that in any relationship each person embraces THE OTHER persons ability to meet their own needs and bring into their life the people and experiences that THEY Need for their growth while providing the support and love along the way.
I just hope to have that kind of relationship and so hope that I am nurturing such!