2018-02-17 - 8:52 a.m.
I have three days to myself at home.
It is so rare.
And all night long I kept thinking of work!
Big sign I need more balance in my life.
I am very happy to have this time to be home and organize my family space.
A second teen has come to live with me, but she agrees she will go with Dad every other weekend. The good news is her sister the resistor has also agreed to go there.
Perhaps not as she REALLY Wanted to go with a friend to a CON. I told her there will be other CONS Costuming conventions for geeky folk who dress up in characters.
One of those...
She is itching to go to one.
I told her there will be other opportunity- go spend time with your family there for the weekend.
Despite the imperfections, it is HER family and I encourage all my girls to maintain the best relationships they can with their Dad and siblings.
You can't have a good relationship if you never devote TIME TO IT.
I feel like these are truly important years and they will go by so fast.
I need to recharge.
SO I awoke with the sun, ate some chocolate from the valentines sent me from my NY Valentine. (He is sweet! He sent four Chocolate Frogs for my girls... so what if he is a less than adequate lover, so what if he voted for Trump OK I am having a really hard time frankly in moments with that one.... and SO WHAT if when he tells a story he says things like "then this fat girl" and I can't help but interject... " Excuse me, What does her weight have to do with the story?" ...
OK that is WHAT??
And I enjoy his company and ask "So, What"? once in a while.... but still give this time...
SO I AM GRATEFUL To have this man with whom I AM HAPPY WHEN WE ENJOY TIME TOGETHER.
while raising these girls
Heck I turned down men who would have helped with that...
I also am not ready for more....
So that is what I guess
It just Is what it is. And I HAVE no complaints really. Great sex is nice but a great relationship is better truly!
And I like it for now. Heck maybe in time both are a possibility.... but regardless I am happy in this dating relationship when we do get time to get together (albeit infrequently) for now for what it is and would not invest time if thought no potential for continued growth. So that's that... He was invited to visit this weekend but declined. CE la vie...
Its a book called Growing up with Jazz by w. royal stokes that I picked up off ebay. Its a discarded hard cover library copy with a very fuzzy pic of the bass player I heard play who was just one reminder to not avoid the things we love because they invoke some pain to be worked through
To allow ourselves to feel the full range of emotions
To not shut off
To allow that space to just be.
I just didn't know that even the youngest had that permutation of adaptation of shutting off emotion. Of never crying.
When I heard of the school shootings my first thought was "I have to schedule those music therapy sessions for my girls. I just HAVE TO."
Finding the poem was a wake up call that all my kids, even the youngest , were exposed to some serious trauma and all need a dedicated care to address and overcome it.
Because none of us should go through life devoid of emotion
IT is the putting one self in a shell to protect that is a natural inclination.
I just am happy to have experiences that wake me up.
I have HAD To focus at work with an obsessiveness as if I don't I can not succeed.
That is part of who I am as a woman with disabilities that REQUIRE such tremendous effort and focus.
A bike ride would be nice soon as well. Maybe I will fit one in this weekend. Will see...
She has not yet heard from the NY school she most would like to attend while a fine VA school just let her know she was one of 45 students selected for their honors program and she heard they are offering another scholarship to her. That is a fabulous , small, private school she is blessed to have been offered a few scholarships to- so it is looking like the best choice for her rather than her #1 and #2 choices.
Those first two just have not come in with scholarship money and a few others have.
Hollins is one I will name (as she is not likely to go there). But they really are a lovely school and also offered a nice scholarship but it doesn't compete with the other school. But it is EXCITING that she has OPTIONS.
I am blessed to be doing WELL At my job despite my own limited self perception and anxiety about such .
AND I received a raise.
So that feels great! (Even though there are so many things I need to learn to be really good at my job!)
I am relieved I should be able to knock off credit card debt, pay the bills due and finally be OUT OF THE RED.
My expenses STILL Exceeded my income a bit last year.
I FINALLY will be caught up!!!
Most importantly , this allows me to prioritize and put money where most needed. THE GIRLS mental health. Honestly, that has to be priority.
and MUSIC LESSONS.
So will be trying to do both together with Music Therapy.
And best news for me personally I THINK I will get the opportunity to go drum this week! I am so overjoyed at that possibility.
I COULD Have not entered into conversation with the guy sitting next to me as I was listening to the jazz that was so healing . I could have not been open...
But I did enter conversation.
I may have the privilage of a glimpse of that world of master drummers. I can't even begin to say how happy that makes me other than
I used to not be able to cry and now when feeling overwealming joy it just comes.
So I feel I now have financial stability and now need to use that money as a tool to help nurture emotional stability in my children. I won't have succeeded until each feels free to cry; til each is able to be emotive naturally without blocks; til each is able to control negative emotions like anger and excessive pride (which really comes from self doubt at its root frankly!), and til each can write about HAPPY JOYFUL CHILDHOOD Memories ... at least from during the teen years.
Its been a long hard road, but it feels like it is getting a bit less windy.