2018-02-17 - 8:52 a.m.

I have three days to myself at home.

It is so rare.

And all night long I kept thinking of work!

Seriously

Big sign I need more balance in my life.

I am very happy to have this time to be home and organize my family space.

A second teen has come to live with me, but she agrees she will go with Dad every other weekend. The good news is her sister the resistor has also agreed to go there.
I suspect it will end up being all weekend too...

Perhaps not as she REALLY Wanted to go with a friend to a CON. I told her there will be other CONS Costuming conventions for geeky folk who dress up in characters.

One of those...

She is itching to go to one.

Her friend's mother was willing to bring her along.

I told her there will be other opportunity- go spend time with your family there for the weekend.

Despite the imperfections, it is HER family and I encourage all my girls to maintain the best relationships they can with their Dad and siblings.

You can't have a good relationship if you never devote TIME TO IT.

As for me I so need to be home more. I so need to focus on THIS SPACE and on being present for MY TEENS.

I feel like these are truly important years and they will go by so fast.

But first, to be fully present and energize and get this space in order,

I need to recharge.

SO I awoke with the sun, ate some chocolate from the valentines sent me from my NY Valentine. (He is sweet! He sent four Chocolate Frogs for my girls... so what if he is a less than adequate lover, so what if he voted for Trump OK I am having a really hard time frankly in moments with that one.... and SO WHAT if when he tells a story he says things like "then this fat girl" and I can't help but interject... " Excuse me, What does her weight have to do with the story?" ...

OK that is WHAT??

And I enjoy his company and ask "So, What"? once in a while.... but still give this time...

Because I have to be focused on family first and foremost and have little time for developing other relationships

SO I AM GRATEFUL To have this man with whom I AM HAPPY WHEN WE ENJOY TIME TOGETHER.

So What if he has not come here to visit in a year and more of dating...

I am not in a position where I want that kind of seriousness ANYWAY

while raising these girls

Heck I turned down men who would have helped with that...

I also am not ready for more....

So that is what I guess

It just Is what it is. And I HAVE no complaints really. Great sex is nice but a great relationship is better truly!

And I like it for now. Heck maybe in time both are a possibility.... but regardless I am happy in this dating relationship when we do get time to get together (albeit infrequently) for now for what it is and would not invest time if thought no potential for continued growth. So that's that... He was invited to visit this weekend but declined. CE la vie...

And this morn am happy to have had the quiet to sit and eat a couple of chocolates and recharge.

So I am reading a book which brought incredible happiness as it unexpectedly referred to the great Al Tinny whom I had the pleasure of photographing, had the pleasure of talking with a number of times, had the pleasure of mutual friends, and with whom one of my fondest memories of life as a jazz musician's wife was when my husband had the pleasure of playing with him.

There is also a photo of the 19 year old Al.

Its a book called Growing up with Jazz by w. royal stokes that I picked up off ebay. Its a discarded hard cover library copy with a very fuzzy pic of the bass player I heard play who was just one reminder to not avoid the things we love because they invoke some pain to be worked through

To not desensitize.

To allow ourselves to feel the full range of emotions

To not shut off
and hide our selves
in our work
in our business

To allow that space to just be.

I think that is why finding the writing of my youngest was sad but also enlightening. It is a trauma response to shut off emotion. It take alot of thawing to warm up the sense again after the chilling that takes place so that one can simply function. Its an adaptive technique to be able to move on.

I just didn't know that even the youngest had that permutation of adaptation of shutting off emotion. Of never crying.

When I heard of the school shootings my first thought was "I have to schedule those music therapy sessions for my girls. I just HAVE TO."

Its time.

Finding the poem was a wake up call that all my kids, even the youngest , were exposed to some serious trauma and all need a dedicated care to address and overcome it.

Because none of us should go through life devoid of emotion
Afraid of emotion
Disconnected and protected.

IT is the putting one self in a shell to protect that is a natural inclination.

I just am happy to have experiences that wake me up.
So the bass player did send a text hello.
Hes back in town. I thought maybe his place in my world was not to be a parter enjoying long bike rides but merely that one moment of breaking through to my heart to awaken it.
Time will tell.
Honestly I am just happy to have my time in my space here now to regenerate. I need this time to nurture and be grounded in a good place.

I have HAD To focus at work with an obsessiveness as if I don't I can not succeed.

That is part of who I am as a woman with disabilities that REQUIRE such tremendous effort and focus.
But at the same time I have to keep my balance and take time for exercise and recharging and just BEING.
So this morning it was a delight to just BE and rest and read and write a bit.
And now I am going to bring the puppy for a walk and do something I have not done since she entered our world here.
Today I will take time for a nice run.
That is what has been missing for me. I need that intensity of running to clear my head and help me be balanced and at peace.
Its a necessity for me.

A bike ride would be nice soon as well. Maybe I will fit one in this weekend. Will see...
I have financial accounting to do- pay bills and reconcile medical expenses from last year to send that off to the girls' Dad, try to help my son with some of his medical expenses that came up this year. He is healthy but just some routine things and a cracked tooth that needed repair!

Thank God for all of our good health (otherwise- while navigating life every day pushing through those moments related to overcoming trauma. I talk to my son and see he still struggles at times; and my oldest daughter and it is clear all these kids here. )

We are ALL doing well however!

IN GREAT NEWS the oldest of the girls here just won two gold key awards for her writing from the Scholastic Arts and Writing Competition.

She has not yet heard from the NY school she most would like to attend while a fine VA school just let her know she was one of 45 students selected for their honors program and she heard they are offering another scholarship to her. That is a fabulous , small, private school she is blessed to have been offered a few scholarships to- so it is looking like the best choice for her rather than her #1 and #2 choices.

Those first two just have not come in with scholarship money and a few others have.

Hollins is one I will name (as she is not likely to go there). But they really are a lovely school and also offered a nice scholarship but it doesn't compete with the other school. But it is EXCITING that she has OPTIONS.

I am blessed to be doing WELL At my job despite my own limited self perception and anxiety about such .
I was given a merit based award at end of year (which goes to the top 40% of employees); that was $2500 since I was only full time for 6 mo. So if there a year it would have been $5000 .

Rather amazing!

AND I received a raise.

So that feels great! (Even though there are so many things I need to learn to be really good at my job!)

I am relieved I should be able to knock off credit card debt, pay the bills due and finally be OUT OF THE RED.

My expenses STILL Exceeded my income a bit last year.

I FINALLY will be caught up!!!

Most importantly , this allows me to prioritize and put money where most needed. THE GIRLS mental health. Honestly, that has to be priority.

and MUSIC LESSONS.

So will be trying to do both together with Music Therapy.

Its time.

And best news for me personally I THINK I will get the opportunity to go drum this week! I am so overjoyed at that possibility.
Again, never know how small moments are interconnected... when we follow the threads and seize the opportunities that come before us by being fully present, engaged, and paying attention.

I COULD Have not entered into conversation with the guy sitting next to me as I was listening to the jazz that was so healing . I could have not been open...
as I was there to hear the music as well as try to connect with the bass player again after some incredible conversations.

But I did enter conversation.
And he is the drummer connected to that whole world I had been determined to find here someday. I KNEW it was here.. and knew in TIME I would find it.

I may have the privilage of a glimpse of that world of master drummers. I can't even begin to say how happy that makes me other than
I am tearing up.

YEAH!

I used to not be able to cry and now when feeling overwealming joy it just comes.

So I feel I now have financial stability and now need to use that money as a tool to help nurture emotional stability in my children. I won't have succeeded until each feels free to cry; til each is able to be emotive naturally without blocks; til each is able to control negative emotions like anger and excessive pride (which really comes from self doubt at its root frankly!), and til each can write about HAPPY JOYFUL CHILDHOOD Memories ... at least from during the teen years.

Its been a long hard road, but it feels like it is getting a bit less windy.

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