2018-02-18 - 5:06 p.m.

I am cleaning my house; the living room desk at the moment. There are a few consistent behaviors that occur for me when cleaning. Some might consider them procrastination but they are for me part of what makes it an enjoyable, somewhat relaxing ritual.

You see I don't have TIME to be so organized and keep everything in its place ALL THE TIME.

I KNOW if I had better discipline with that life would be EASIER and smoother.

But I do things like MY Taxes- and pull out every piece of paper documenting what I need, then I run out of energy when finishing up at 10:30 pm and drop to sleep and have to be up and out early for work the next day - as but one example of stuff that then sits in a pile.

Then the pile grows when I pick up mail, and YES SORT and throw out some right away- but for that one item for a former tenant
which sat in the pile....
til rediscovered.

Truth be told it looked like a mass mailing- junk mail.... and the last time I called and left a message she never CAME to pick up the mail. I called TWICE...granted a few weeks apart, but the mail still sat where I had it for her- to then look at that item and realize unequivokly YES this IS JUNK MAIL! That got tossed after she didn't get back to me...

So I admit I OPENED This one to confirm and do same, and its NOT junk mail!

ITs a statement of a donation I feel like and ass for having opened as it IS IMPORTANT AND PRIVATE

and I really opened it to get my house clean...
But anyway...
as to the ritual, I clean up and pick up all sorts of reading material- magazines and local papers, and what not

And then I make a cup of tea and when ready for a break after cleaning a while,

I read.

I READ THEM ALL.

I won't toss a periodical until I have read it.

I won't discard two month old local gossip til I have read it.

I won't toss in the trash the college updates , albeit they are really marketing material designed to ilicit emotional responses and MONEY from alumni and parents of alumni...
til I have read it.

And I always enjoy those stories of successes and good will and joy the most of all frankly. They are always inspiring and well done

I won't toss the marketing materials for all the fabulous theater around my 50 mile radius, even thought I will make it to but one show in a year outside of my 5 mile local radius, until I READ every nuanced ad thoroughly and hold on to a few I hopefully wish I could attend, knowing full well I will not.

I save the membership card of the Kennedy Center I donate to, even though I won't get there all year. I still contribute and was excited to discover the millenium stage productions are livestreamed at 6pm on their web site.

Its kinda like how I still volunteer for the arts org because of the possibility one day that if I know what is going on and if one of my girls WANTS to be involved she will at least be informed of the audition, aware of the opportunity where kids with all abilities are welcomed and ARE HAPPY.

Because that was a life line for my son the year he was involved.

And it gave him a portal to see such joy was a possibility in his life in a time of great fear and sorrow and being scared.

Its impossible to understate the affect of trauma and the effect of holding onto that hope.

So I keep that connection, but perhaps long after its possibility is a real one.

My teens are no longer young children, no longer -pre-teens and when they wanted to be involved they withdrew.

I write this now as I am deeply saddened at having gone to see the High School Theater production today

ALONE.

It just saddens me so.

The one daughter who would have liked to have been involved told the director she just didn't have the energy as she is in chorus and worked every other weekend cleaning offices which just taps her energy. I am proud of her as she saved her money to pay for a school Chorus trip. It kinda breaks my heart I didn't have the money to pay for it for her.
It breaks my heart to see her struggle with POTS but moreso the hidden ANGER in her heart which comes out in moments at home that I see so clearly but am powerless to help her with.

She is furious now her sister is moving her with me.

Because as she said "SHE DOESN'T DESERVE IT"

but what she really means I think is "I DESERVED THAT BUT IT WASN'T A POSSIBILITY FOR ME"

but only because she was not as brave.

It hurts to watch her anger as her sister is being brave.

So even if her sister's motivation is itself childish (because she can't get her own way and is defiant of a parentatal rule which frankly I will also have at my home defacto anyway!) This one daughter never would have dared defy. She is furious at the one who does.

That makes me sad as I wish she would embrace her sister being confident in choosing and negotiating with reason in a well articulated and mature way why she thought it better she live here with me at this point in time. Her Dad agreed, and she is here. But the other sister is furious and I think her anger is misplaced. Its hard to see her with such underlying anger not addressed.

Then it is hard to see the other teen who lives her not be willing to come out of her shell but retreat to safety of her room like a turtle.

It just makes me sad she is more comfortable withdrawing than embracing her family relationships.

NO matter how imperfect I find that just sad.

Not sure how to break through to her.

So the other ritualistic thing I do when I clean my house and purge of all the crap laying around which feels good, is an emotional purge as well. I always inevitably find a few really bad poems scrawled on napkins, or whatever happened to be in my purse or in my car, or at my work desk to scrawl on. (OH WHY OH WHY at this point in life do I now ALWAYS carry a writing journal???)

So here is today's found scrawled poem:

I entered your home
and was drawn to the windows
to draw open the dusty venetian blinds,
turned the broken lever so that each slot opened
letting light in

On that cloudy day
years it seemed
were spent entering spaces
and trying to let light in

Its a pattern familiar
and sometimes I wonder
why I walk inside at all

Why bring the plants inside?
the fern
the lily
which will wither if not in the sun

Why am I compelled
to try to bring others
outside of their self
outside of their contained spaces?

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