2018-03-14 - 10:22 p.m.
I was reminded today that my #1 Priority for my children is therapy!
Good God, why would any parent tell a kid they are going to support them in something and then pull the carpet out from under them?
It just so sad to watch such parenting from someone who is challenged and pained.
The toxicity is so self destructive most of all.
Its hard to watch my kids have to be the mature ones.
It's hard to watch my teen who did EVERYTHING herself in regard to applying and choosing her college but for the help with learning a tool for measuring the costs and scholarships offered (Which was a really nice thing her Dad did for her) then be BELITTLED and then put down and watch an adult try to instill GUILT In HER for the adult's maladaptive behavior of after saying would be supportive of her choices then trying to manipulate and control and use toxic tactics to coerce her into making decisions that the parent wants.
But I try to not worry about this... not my issue... and just provide love and support and remind my kid the toxic parent is one that LOVES her and that she can love back while setting a clear boundary
Its hard to have to teach a KID to do this
but my advice today was
Let you parents both know that you will accept what love and support they can offer
Meaning you don't need them to attach any strings either
and you don't WANT such
and you can separate that from other things that may be offered
like money (for college in particular)
Her parents can choose to provide financial support or not
IT is each of their individual choices
AS FAR AS HER CONCERN
She just need not worry!
HECK I PAID over 100K to be freed of a life of manipulation and emotional abuse.
The other parent told her that she would be getting 3K a year.
So if he says he will not support with that IF SHE MAKES A DECISION TO DO SOMETHING HE DOES NOT LIKE ( and I don't mean like DRUGS or DRINKING Or ANYTHING SELF DESTRUCTIVE... I mean such as go on an educational trip offered which in fact was already PLANNED and PAID FOR and she was to go with her MOTHER... as the other parent said "YES" before the planning.... )
then the way I look at it, that is giving up $15K to be freed of emotional manipulation!!
HECK I Would pay that to have a life without toxic emotional manipulation!!!
Then she could actually likely continue to ignore the sick moments and love her toxic parent by interacting on HER TERMS. If there is ABUSE she can walk away. There is no DEPENDENCY On him.
BUT she could continue to develop a loving relationship and perhaps somehow love and help heal the pain in her as well as the illness in him. NO IT IS NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY but regardless it is a gift of an opportunity that she has to BE LOVING A gift of an opportunity she has to be gracious and accepting of what he CAN offer and if it is not money due to some fixation and illness of his in worry about that and anxiety about that all the time... well she can perhaps help him let go of such worry and just be loving by just not caring about such . Maybe her choices will be an example to him he can learn from? Maybe by not allowing the toxic tactics to work he will grow and change from that interaction? I know it is not her responsibility, but it is her father and she can love him and her love might just help heal his wounds . YES she has to heal her wounds first of course. But you know, that is not only possible but very likely that in doing so it will have a ripple affect and the toxicity may be neutrailized in the long run. In the short run it won't be effective! If not effective then the behaviors have no more power! If they have no more power over anyone else then if they are continued it will be just a lot of expended drama and energy which is the actor's problem. She needn't take that all on. She can disengage. One does not have to enter every argument they are invited to! Walking away is often the best response I think when one is being emotionally abusive. BUT THEN come back later and ALLOW the person to appropriately take ownership of their emotion and express it in a healthy way! The complete denial of emotional expression is equally toxic as the other extreme of unbridled anger without regard to how that affects others!
I have said it before.
What comes to us manifests when we need it. If we need money that too will come when we need it if we put the intention out there and do what we can to make it happen.
I am SURE my daughter will have the means to pay for her college with or without her toxic parent's financial support. It is just sad to see her Father tear himself up over such worry. And sad to see him tear into HER and try to project his issues onto his daughter.
My biggest hope is she can love him and learn to not be manipulated by him and learn to be her own self with confidence.
For a senior project she and friends are creating a CD.
I told her stop worrying about money.
HA HA I did a quick search to see what I came up with when asking what the return on investment for a CD is
HEre is what I found!
Not the right CD...
I just wish this kid had absolutle loving support as she pursues her dreams
Whatever they may be.
CDs are the old way of making money.
Maybe this kid will get some tips at a workshop about marketing, building your brand etc....
or maybe her interest really isn't making money and she really just wants to sing a few songs.
I find it tremendously exciting to watch the creative process and am proud of this daughter that she is working on her OWN ART.
SO PROUD OF HER
SO to being brave.
And being yourself.
I have pretty incredible children if I say so myself.
And today I was just reminded of that once again.
#nomore #NonToxicParenting #StopEmotionalAbuse