Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2018-03-21 - 9:18 p.m.

Darn , Darn, Darn

I was only scheduled one weekend this month at my part time job which I really enjoy.

Of course it happens to be the same Saturday that my senior in high school has an audition for a fine arts scholarship.

She also would like me to be the parental unit to bring her not only there but to visit the one other college she wants to see just to be sure she is picking the one right for her.

She loved the one she is auditioning for this additional scholarship to, but the other is in the same area and to date offered the SAME exact amount of financial aid ($38K a year offered from each of these smaller private schools). She is an excellent, mostly A student, well rounded and hard working at school with her only dip in grades due to the year she was diagnosed with a chronic medical condition that really does impact her energy level rather significantly.

She beautifully navigates with this unseen medical illness which is a challenge.

So when you see one of those folks in a handicap parking spot that doesn't LOOK disabled open your mind to the possibility that not all physically disabling conditions are VISIBLE.

Some people with her condition use a wheelchair as to even walk is too taxing. Thankfully she has her mobility despite very low energy.

She takes medication that helps. Although she can not be as active as she was formerly used to, she has pushed through I think what was the initial depression of receiving a life altering diagnosis and understanding this is not a temporary thing- but then adjusting to life with this as part of it for her;and she has demonstrated strength of character pushing through that low energy.

She does have some anger...
and I understand that.

Especially at "The mean sister" as I call her sister... come on, every family has one. Just that one kid among the mix who is not as aware they are at times less sensitive to the others, who is not very aware that they hurt others' feeling, not aware of being self centered moreso than others. I think the 'mean sister' has grown so very much and is doing MUCH BETTER than years ago of course, but still is growing.

I could have done better and kicking her off the TV tonight. BAD PARENT. I gave up the fight tonight. I just came upstairs and let her keep watching her Asian soaps... I know I shouldn't. But I figure let me get a counselor , a therapist for back up before I dig in my heels and force my parental hand. It just is not worth it to me just now frankly. Because I had other things to do- to research how loans parents take out to help a kid go to college work, and how to be a gurantor for a NYC apartment. (Actor found one but needs a co-signer of course).

These are my best and brightest kids, the ones asking for help are the ones who NEVER ask for help.

I can't say no to them.

So I have to help both the 20 something actor AND the 18 year old off to college.

SO the DARN is reading the comment on the college website regarding the fine arts scholarship in Voice that

"For any student who is selected to an All-State Choir, the audition is waived. Be sure to let us know if you qualify for this scholarship."


Wonderful teen about to go to college, was the ALTERNATE for ALL STATE last year! *YES not the one to go, but the next in line!! UGH

This year she did not audition as her chorus has a commitment trip she saved money to go on, in a wonderful opportunity, that conflicts with the All State Chorus dates. ( How did they screw that up and not realize when booking the school trip??? I think my daughter also said their HS has not had anyone in All

I did not realize ahead of time she was not auditioning and again was surprised when learned she had not. She told me why and I said (same thing as last year!) "Always audition! You can always say NO and there will be someone waiting next in line thrilled to have the opportunity". She however doesn't think like that. I recall last year she was so disappointed as she did not audition for the day program offered by gov school because she was a finalist considered in this area for the state gov school residential program. She did not get in! Then she did not have the day program either and to top it off the 'mean sister' got into BOTH programs (as she knew to audition for both and not assume she would be getting into the month long one!)

So this older girl of mine did not audition, and now we have to travel for her to audition for the fine arts scholarship.

Fine, but she did not let me know she wanted me to bring her until last weekend. She formerly told me her Dad was taking her, so I had not been concerned with getting off work! its a bit stressful as I called to see if I COULD get off my shift and did not hear back. I did let them know if I can't I will be there! The college is about three and a half hours away. She has a 10AM audition time (I hope! I hope that is 10 AM SHARP And not meaning arrive by 10 AM and Wait around until you get called....)

The thing frustrating is I want to talk to this kid and she is not assessible to me just now. She is at Dad's...
ce la vie...
did not call me as I hoped, and I tried to reach her...

Just frustrating.

I want to talk to the kid not here, and the kid here doesn't want to talk to me and disengages hiding in the TV...

At 7pm I suggested the teens here and I watch a movie. I STOPPED working at 6:30 pm even though I really wanted to get one particular work thing done today and had not gotten it done yet..Slow progress... working on it...

I pulled out GHOST (bought in a clearance WalMart Bin with intent of time with kids some day)
and popped popcorn and
my teen said "Let me just finish this episode"

Then I came upstairs and back down and that ended and I said "OK " and I shut off the TV

and she resisted and I caved after having put in the movie, turned off the TV and she still ignoring me and acting like a princess.

She flipped the TV back to the You Tube streaming...
Hey is this kid legally streaming this??? I just thought of that now... that will have to stop if NOT...

I know I should not have given up the fight with her...

but I did.

I will be shutting off the router soon enough.

I wanted to watch the damn movie at around 7pm and honestly go to be around 9 pm!

I need my sleep!!

I was in bed Sunday night at 8:30 pm and was still dragging on Monday... that rush hour traffic in just exhausted me. Tue was good, and today fine but I can't be expending energy arguing and getting all upset and laying down the law when it is not worth it.
I pick my battles. So I went down to the basement to move the laundry along instead of forcing the issue and my kid off the couch which she acts like is her throne.

I am astounded by her sense of privilige without gratitude. How did this kid get so damned spoiled?

By 8pm when her episode was done it was just too damn late for me to win that fight and even want to start and possibly enjoy a movie then anyway.

Router will just be shut off ...
AGAIN as soon as done writing. I just needed this break to then go back to the next round I guess...

SNOW DAY Today and SNOW DAY tomorrow but regardless the kid can go to bed and not be up all damn night watching TV. She did so all day.

HER SISTER on the other hand had an awesome day!

and I know if the router is off that will work... I will go into the office tomorrow and just take it with me.

That is the way to get kids off electronics. Cut the cord...
then they figure out how to do other things after they get over the initial anger.

I will be up early and gone before she is even awake however.

She is queen of passive agressive (As well as talented at agressive as well) so expect she will be in PJS on the couch when I get home without having done anything, but that is OK.

The router will still come with me. Because I KNOW she will READ.
And that will be an improvement.

I just can only tolerate idleness for so long...

In other news.

Teen #2 that has been living here for the past year and a half had an awesome day going to the store to buy groceries needed for a planned meal, then cleaning the kitchen top to bottom prior to cooking, and then cooking.

I did not do anything for St. Patricks Day as frankly it was no in my consiousness at all. I forgot.

I typically do honor that heritage by the traditional foods, and in past have made them homemade- Irish Soda Bread and Hot Cross Buns along with our Corned Beef and Cabbage.

So today Teen #2 cooked and it was excellent!

I was working and she had the table set and it all ready at 3:25. I got off a conference call and then took my break and had a lovely meal with my two daughters. (Yes the one got off the couch and away from the Asian Soaps ...Why oh why are those addictive??? I mean I did enjoy my Grey's Anatomy binge ONE DAY of ONE WEEKEND Once... but she is binging on these dramas for days on end. When will the obsession stop???? Animae, then this)

I just so do not understand the allure of TV, or sitting in front of any screen when one does not have to.

I guess I never did get it...even as a kid...

Moreso I am astounded at the lack of respect of my one teen. Its astonishing to me as I have been rather consistent in demonstrating respect. I would expect BY NOW some of it would have sunk in. I would think a 17 year old might decide who she wants to be and act accordingly . I would not expect her to choose to be the 'mean sister' at this stage in life.

I understood when she was a kid and did not herself have any awareness of how her behavior affected others. But NOW, I expect she should have SOME awareness!

Yet I think her obsessiveness is stronger than that awareness of either self or others in her.

She has these obsessive traits and behaviors that are very challenging for her (AND ME to try to HELP her with!)

So doing the best I can...

sometimes I pick the fight and lay down the law and sometimes I just do not have the energy to do so. I know that is a parenting limitation.

I know I should be consistent with her as she needs that.

I get it.

But sometimes I honestly just think there are other competing priorities which win my attention in the moment.

I am feeling MUCH better about my understanding of federal Stafford loans, and PLUS loans for parents.

I believe the two kids I will financially offer some support to are good investments!

I just hope my credit is strong enough.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!