2018-03-29 - 6:10 a.m.

I think I will go back to protocol to not write about work.

YES Better But for today

It is a shame when proud of having done something well that it then feels like misunderstood.

I was proud that at a meeting I ensured a co-worker's idea was not ignored. I asked just the right question so it then became someone else's idea

so it was embraced.

It's just so astounding to me that people are very unaware of how they dismiss and talk over others.

I have this tendency to think out loud which I try to curb. Occasionally I forget not on mute. SO when I do that it is very obvious! What is not obvious is the people who have this knack for cutting others off gently. Just disregarding them and talking over them or dismissing them with a quiet manner which somehow , shocking to me , seems to be overlooked or not even noticed by most.

CRAP hate when that happens once in a blue moon

but you know it only happens when particular people talk- those I am truly COMFORTABLE sub-counsiously sharing ideas with

so I realized tend to only interrupt this one person sometimes as I feel such a sense of respect from him

and he in turn is awesome at calling me out on it

(on the recent occasion it happened!)

That time it was NOT due to not being on mute but very impulsive on my part as he (like me!) can go on a ramble.... others complain about that sometimes (or did) but are learning to really value his stories. They now like them. They are valuable most times...

except when , as my old boss would call it he may be "wandering on the farm"

He was misunderstanding a point of one point of discussion and cautioning us actually NOT To wander on the farm! And not to waste time on too much useless redundancy...

but the conversation was about something that had nothing to do with how he interpeted it so ironically my impulsive cutting him off which was so rude was meant as a reassurance to not worry! I din't want him to be concerned and worried that we were going off on a tangent none of us had any intention of going off on...

HA HA SO I wanted to cut off that tangent....

So ironic

We were really so very aligned in wanting to not waste time.

I can laugh at my own failings at times. To let him caution us for the next minute or so about something there was no risk of us considering would have been far better than for me to rudely interrupt! CE La vie...
I am so far from perfect...
and know this and try to do my best.

And I realize THAT could have come across as the trying to shut down an idea.

But

It's not a shut down of an idea

I feel like BECAUSE I have that Same tendency I am well aware at times when listening to a group when someone is about to wander on the farm.

I love when someone throws the lasso and pulls me in when I am going off in the wrong direction..

It is an ART this knowing how to do that gracefully so it does not come across as a rude interruption.

But as a gentle pull back and re-alignment.

That is a skill I need to learn much better. Not very good at it even when I see that it is helpful.

AND sometimes, even if it could be a help- just let the wander happen and listen...

but enough of work.
(OK soon... still have the thoughts flowing)
Its good for me,
as it gets me out of my mode of doing everything myself and demanding perfection. So I very much love that I work in an environment focused on collaboration.

The one other self awareness exercise I have is asking

"Am I passive agressive"? And when and how could a co-worker have felt such?

Again, I hear a room , I sense the feelings, notions of others..

etc..
that annoying hyperkinetic awareness I swear is turned on and can't be turned off

Both a gift and a curse.

But the thing about an open office space is I have to get in zone and tune everything out WHICH I Do pretty well

but then its like the brain hears things relevant to oneself.

I thought I heard someone take a question or concern or issue raised by me as a passive agressive thing..

not sure why at all. But maybe they were not talking about me? Maybe this is just a paranoia moment? If so then I will dismiss it and move on...

and acknowledge it as such...
and let it go.

BUT I wasn't getting that sense of a paranoid manifestation. I was reading the room and vibe and overheard comment as being said in response to me somehow.

It seemed like so in the moment and I haven't quite deconstructed what that was about for my own self awareness.

But what I did sense was:

Do not allow my perfectionism and desire to be sure I DO each task to perfection

lead to my QUESTIONING and NOT TRUSTING OTHERS.

That is my take away

I tend to be so concerned about misunderstanding an instruction (because I KNOW I can do so!) that whenever there is what I consider that Operator Game...

where a message is flowed down from one person, then another, and then a group

I have this great desire to go to the source (The source document, the source person, the source decision arbitor) and SOMEHOW confirm we all got it right

and there was not a misinterperation along the way.

NOT ALWAYS

but just sometimes when there is something in my gut instinct

and that is often just it

gut instinct that perhaps we should look at something again.

I hate that but have learned to listen to it.

There are times I ignore the instinct and then six month or a year or sometimes even two I am kicking myself I didn't push more for us as a group to address a concern someone raised which was overlooked.

I feel like the most important contribution I can have at work is a Listener.

Then being the pushy person (When needed )to voice the ideas that my gut says should not be ignored.... but not in a bull in china shop way but an EFFECTIVE , gentle guiding way

That is the art of leadership

And the key is that a truly great leader is in the background, quiet, supporting, effective

and with earned respect and therefore earned authority when a group needs guidance.

Its an organically developed thing.
We have a wonderful woman in our working group with such quiet leadership.
SHE IS THE EXPERT

So I like to turn to her to learn.

I guess I just so hate the leadership of the bully
the leadership of the narcissist
the leadership of anyone that wants POWER and who's ego is their guide
that I yearn to be effective in combating that kind of paradigm wherever I am.

EVEN IF in the short term it means things are a little messy.

That is needed for a time for people's growth.

I know that.

So that is last I will write about work for a while.

Just because... I think tranparency helps us all but WHAT if THIS
my sacred private space,
is not really so sacred,
or private.

For me its a weird NEED to know I am safe which OK
NOT WEIRD

IT was lifeline at one point . It was necessary at one point.

My dear friend checked and read my postcards and knew I was OK.

But now it is not necessary. But this is not for anyone in my world that I write. I just write.
I just need a means to journal and this does work better than paper journals.

Although I tend to find I write about different things as that lingering thought someone might read this informs that whether one likes it or not.

LIKE TODAY
I found myself hearing the comment
"I can be passive aggressive too" yesterday and thinking I should address that.

Why?
Because at some level had the thought "Shit what if someone actually found this and READS it who I work with? What if this is not private at all?? What if my pride that someone at work was not IGNORED
was misunderstood and read as a need for ME to be the focus.

So here I will call out what I see and hope to address head on every day just by the means of interacting

micro-inequities in the workplace

it is very much a sub-consious GENDER thing, ABELIST viewpoint thing

men trained to ignore a woman when talking

so my boast to self of my great leadership skill

IS NOT MISGUIDED and is not narcissistic.

I am in a place where if those I work with embrace My gifts and allow me to thrive we will all be better for it! Because one gift I bring to the table is to SEE when those micro-inequities happen and combat them. They are almost always unintentional from really good people! So that is not a personal attack on anyone! It is just a helping of us all to be more aware and more respectful and to listen to all at the table.

But sometimes there is a reaction when one is proud of self and self proclaiming their gifts (even if needed for their own belief and commitment to being positive!!) for others to sometimes, for some reason to react out of a fear based perspective. That is the only reason anyone ever attacks another's accomplishment.

My GUT told me the passive aggressive comment WAS about me... and I try to figure out where I went wrong. Could it be the misunderstanding of my wanting to learn the art of leadership as one of manipulation? Could that be thought of as passive aggressive?

Or did I FORGET Something important.
Misalignment of priority
Not doing something VERY Important to someone else

Sometimes the gift of focus on one thing at a time (the hyperfocus) and persistence to stick with a task til done and to do it as well as possible can be very limiting.
I get in the zone and tune everything else out
BUT IF NOT ORGANIZED that day and if have not
taken time to prioritize and look at my TO DO

I FORGET and DROP SOMETHING
I am not strong at follow through if I don't have lots of organizational systems in place to facilitate such. I know this is my weakness. My time management is naturally AWFUL.

Maybe because I disordered (meaning did the work in the wrong order of priority) and allowed myself to get distracted... (there was a TEST to run and it just made so much more sense to me if we had real work to do for a deliverable to really DO The job in running the test than just take time out to test that the means of doing it would work! SO I did... but forgot a greater priority I SHOULD Have knocked off first... and a task the person who made the passive aggressive comment asked me to do! So I wonder ...

I just try to deconstruct as I KNOW That ADHD behaviors and traits DO come across as passive aggressive to others!

So we with these unique brains have to work VERY HARD At being responsible and responsive and communicative to not appear to be passive aggressive.

OR forget appear... we become what we appear at times albeit intentional or not. The reality of who we ARE IS IN fact in part the reality of OTHER'S in their experience of ourselves so we best not forget that and try to understand how we are experienced by others to be the best we each can be!

In summary Today I leave myself with the reminder
That if the comment about passive aggressive was due to a behavior I need to be more conscious of, that I do better at being self aware.
If it was due to misunderstanding- then knowing I am not trying to manipulate anyone for any reason that is not worthy
but rather trying to lead

as I can't sit and not do so when we have need for such!
TRULY

WE have a NEED in our workplaces to recognize and face areas we as groups can do better in...
and facing micro-inequities and being sure the professional woman are not ignored by the men in the room is essential as is being sure the "different" those with a disability are not ignored is essential...

So I start off my day strong. If there was an offence I am to be more self aware and try best to NOT be passive aggressive (recognizing even if unintended perhaps I was) AND

recognizing the comment perhaps was NOT about me and it was a moment of paranoia...
so will let that go.
NO room for fear as a guide.
And I leave myself to start the day with this thought:

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

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