2018-04-11 - 9:15 p.m.

I was so tired today! It was one of those narcoleptic like days... moments of dropping off to sleep uncontollably.

I can't believe it is only 9:15 pm.

To bed...

I think it is emotional exhaustion.

I swear that is what brings this on.

True I did not get to bed early last night as one teen has a new boyfriend and is so darn loud when she talks on the phone. It was at least 11pm and maybe later when I was telling her to get off the phone as I was exhausted and could not fall asleep due to her loud talking.

Maybe close to midnight...reminding her to get to bed!

I understand...

she just met him..

He lives 30 min away and seems like a really good kid.

But I need my sleep.

I was very irritated with her lack of consideration.

Good news is that her belongings are finally in her room. She did go through clothing and one bag of stuff was handed over to be rid of.

She needs to downsize much more than that!

Progress was however made. Last weekend we did get her new dresser in her room and clothes that were in bags in the hall are in it.

I also FINALLY went through the bins full of clothes that were cluttering my hall and sorted those, put winter clothes from my room up in attic and got the Spring ones in my closet and drawers.

Progress.

It only took a month to do that task... from when intended.
For a month (maybe more??) the hall has been a cluttered mess.

So now that one small area of the house is organized
LOL

Sad when only the hallway is the part that feels clean and organized!

Just the normal chores keep me busy... typical taking our trash in morning, sweeping and throwing in laundry , folding laundry, doing some dishes,

then taking dog for a walk.

That was my morning between 6 and 8 am.

Then off to work...

Not alot of time or energy when home for the extra stuff!! I spend too much time at work, and need to in order to get my responsibilities completed there.

Ce la vie...
I do the best I can.

I was emotionally drained as it was a super busy weekend, but then one filled with drama I wish my life was without.

But I have two teen girls living with me....

There will be drama for a couple more years I suppose.

Its just tiring at times when they hash out their issues with each other.

The good news is , they are doing just that.

They need to learn along the way how to do so productively....
you know the one who punched the other in the head needs to learn not to emulate that kind of tactic when she is angry....

She at least apologized to her sister.

She made her breakfast in bed the next morn, eggs and bagel, bacon and coffee and brought it to her.

The response was a caustic sounding , "You KNOW I am trying to eat healthy! Are you trying to KILL ME with all this butter ???"

YEs they need alot of work....

Sheesh...

But nonetheless it is still progress.

After the punch in the head the screaming fight continued while I mediated (I had walked downstairs to see the blow. Was glad there was a witness....), but then it did abate and after about 15 minutes they were talking to each other. They then had a reasonably normal conversation.

I really would have so apprechiated if the one girl's Dad had not decided it would be fine to wean her from mood stablizing medicines and start sending small doses and then sending her to me when it was out...

Ce la vie...
he told her she could try this and the first week she started reducing was a week she was in a play. It went OK but I thought it was a dumb time. I had no choice really...deed done.

I have supported the continued weaning and over break allowed her to stop.

So she can SEE how she does without medicine.

I mean when she is not in the moment of irascible anger, she is a smart girl and just may agree that if you are punching your sister in the head when angry that PERHAPS you really DO have a trouble with your self control and might choose to WANT To do somthing about it!

To date she is acting very angry that she has ever been medicated.

This kid will go off to college and not take meds
and then it won't be her sister she punches in the head...

So I figure since the weaning started (and the DR to date does not take insurance) I best continue and let her get off the cocktail and get her therapy and hope she works on her coping skills and learns how to manage her self adequately EITHER WITHOUT meds and other techniques OR SHE REALIZES that she is BEST WITH MEDS as a support and SHE CHOOSES To accept that help.

The kid will be 18 and going off in the world. So it HAS to be her choice OR she won't continue to get that help .

So I would rather the time without medication to see how it goes is NOW than LATER when she is not home to be monitored.

But BOY it is exhausting.

And THEN the unexpected happened.

The OTHER kid WHO KNOWS she does well with her medication

ALSO stopped!

WHAT???? She has been self administering since summer.

She is VERY Self aware.

She and I talk about this to touch base regularly and I was VERY pleased with her very mature attitude. She thought her sister was kinda where she was at emotionally a year and a half ago (which was a pretty fair and good analogy I would say! BUT FOR the one saving grace a year and a half ago the one who is more self aware was suicidally depressed and THANK GOD neither are! The one in DENIAL is not suicidal thankfully!!!)

Basically I have two very obviously bi-polar daughters. One self aware

and one in denial.

SO that is just absolutely EXHAUSTING at times. SO the self aware one who has been taking her medicine got in trouble at school and the first thing I asked was "Did you take your medicine today"? Reponse was "NO" and while we had AGREED she could wean off Prozac as she is not depressed and that decision was made WITH her DOCTOR she was supposed to keep taking her ADHD Meds and one other... SO I was surprised to find she did not take the ADHD mediction this week! She never seemed resistant to that before! So I was disappointed to say the least that she is jumping on the bandwagon of her sister questioning that she should keep taking it. Irony is my oldest said she WISHED she had a diagnosis and treatment in high school! LOL just figures....

THE GOOD NEWS is MY DOCTOR called me back (OK so called land line and I missed the call... but still good news)

I am SO PLEASED that my doc turns out take the girls insurance.

So soon enough we will have appointments for them both with a very good psychiatrist.

The one kid did not trust her DR. Dad and I both agreed lets get her another for a second opinion.

The practice also has good therapists, so I will schedule appointments for that for both girls as well.

But in the interim
One kid was difficult at school yesterday. Just exhausting to deal with ...

She DID Eventually calm to be REASONABLE

although she was not supposed to bring her phone to school .

Her alarm clock is on it, and I had to leave earlier than her... so I told her it is on her to respect the agreement or she will get in trouble.

She has a consequence of no phone at school for the next two weeks.

Its on her to monitor that.
I said I would take the phone away ...
but her alarm to wake up is on it and frankly I have to pick my battles.

It was a GOOD conversation in which progress was made. She acknowledged this time she GETS IT that the Principal has to demonstrate respect and support of her teacher who wanted a consequence because SHE WAS DISRESPECTFUL.

She gets it...

she disagrees the teacher was worthy of respect.

Can't change her opinion there but am trying to guide her in how to act more appropriately EVEN IF the other person is not necessarily 'deserving' as it is not only the right thing to do, but it will also serve her well to learn that skill of acquiescence at times (EVEN WHEN DON"T AGREE). She doesn't have to agree.. but just has to reasonably comply with authority ANYWAY.

Hard to sell that idea to her...

Heck If we ever have a fascist regime, we NEED people like her.

So I can't really be all that upset that this kid digs her heels and stands her ground (even when I disagree with her point of view).

Sheesh... just strong willed and a pain sometimes...

but I have to pick my battles.

And truth be told,

I think what is really going on here is the principal asked ME to take away the kid's phone primarily for the simple reason that the teacher wanted it done

so it was a request to support the principal in maintaining credibility with the teacher so he has respect of the teacher

so he shows that he respects the teacher

so he backs the teacher in his view of the best way to handle a defiant child

I get all that...
so I said "sure" in support of that

but when it came down to the moment of talking with my child about the phone, and then the TWO OTHER Teens who attend the school chiming in and supporting her view that it was rather dumb she should be in trouble when the same behavior is tolerated regularly from OTHER kids... (Conversation went something like this..."If you were not going to participate in that gym activity (it was roller skating and as typical this ADHD kid forgot to bring home the consent form to be signed by me...LOL Typical), why didn't you just go in the hall like the other kids do?"

To which siblings were surprised that was what she was in fact in trouble for....teacher wanted her to stay in the gym... and she left...

Oh my seems like a very small thing...

so I just said, when reminded her alarm clock was on the phone...

"Just make your life easier , stay out of trouble and don't take the phone out of your bag or use it in school for the next two weeks AT ALL"

and I picked my battle...
I left it up to her to manage her phone

Cause when I thought about it, frankly , I chose the priority for ME
to be MY relationship with my kid and my ability to reason and have a productive conversation with HER (Which we did for a while... not all captured here... too darn tired)

OVER

The principal's relationship with the teacher.

I think that is really what the ask was about.

Some think every misbehavior HAS TO HAVE A CONSEQUENCE

I agree that is very effective. So if there is a consequence at school I fully support it.

But I also don't buy into this bs that when a kid gets in trouble at school then the parents feel some obligation to feel anger , frustration, embarassment, some obligation to be accoutable for their kids behavior and the sense they must fix their kid's behavior

AND As I told the principal on the phone today

The more I thought about it

This is a 15 year old kid

I don't need to PROTECT her from herself...
by taking her phone

I rather have shifted the responsibility of her behavior ONTO HER

She can learn to be responsible

and SHE can learn to follow the rules

and SHE CAN LEARN self control and discipline

She can learn to choose to make it EASY by leaving the phone home when suggested or giving it to me when I asked

but when she says "NO" I won't use it...
and she said "It was not a problem at encampment " (I Forgot to remind her it was left in the CAR and she did not have it with her! She had said "I never took it out")

I just gave up and chose not to battle over taking it.

It just didn't seem worth the return for me.

I said"YOU CAN NOT take it out AT ALL. If you do you risk further trouble, so behave, follow this agreement and just stay under the radar and get through this last month of school"

There is only a darn month left or so... maybe 6 weeks... whatever..

I just did not honestly have energy for drama.

I am avoidant of it.

True

I will disengage and not fight

ESPECAILLY With my kids.

Life is too damn short.

I refuse.

To those parents who say

"Your a parent , some make the mistake of trying to be their kid's friend"

I think

Hope that works for them

But for me,
I don't want a casualty

and YES I am CHOOSING to try to have a good relationship with my kids who really ARE almost grown and who I would like nothing more than anything to BE MY FRIEND As they are adults.

I think that not a misaligned expectation that I can gracefully guide without using AUTHORITARIAN style.

I want their EARNED respect
not DEMANDED.

I also just don't have the energy to battle over nonsense. We have enough priorities to argue about!

Like going to Dr. and taking medication as presribed... and going to therapy...

and getting personal crap out of living room and into bedroom and
you are to sleep in your BEDROOM And not the living room every darn night

and you are not a princess who is never to lift a finger, but you HAVE To do your own darn laundry...

etc...

etc...

etc..

The issue of my kid having walked out of a gym after the music was too loud for her autistic like brain to handle and she has asked numerous times if it can be turned down...
and she attested other kids say same *who are allistic
and they are all ignored..
and she just got irritated and decided to go into the hall

REALLY seems like just such a trivial issue in the scheme of things.

THAT was the big transgression...

meanwhile I was mediating the SAME KID being punched in the head by her sibling...
and helping her navigate the suicide of a peer who was in Cyberpatriot with her.

I mean, forgive me for seeing your issue at school as just a little bit trivial in the scheme of things...

Its like tardiness...
REALLY??

I KNOW it is important

but if my kid is a few minutes late to school

OR walks out of a gym

or a meeting with a teacher

when she is upset and feels need to disengage for a few moments

IS that REALLY Such a crisis?

OR can we just let the small stuff go and allow space for the big stuff to be dealt with?

Like the TRAUMA results of these kids having been subject to abuse, to being hit in the the head by THEIR Parent when young... etc... etc...

I actually really like this principal

I think he really gets it.

I just hope he can forgive me my lack of ability to have engaged in battle with the kid this AM

SURE it would have been FINE if I did so.

But not doing so didn't give any message I supported her defiance.

It gave the message I am just too damn tired to fight with her

and Maybe, just maybe

it gave her a message I am RESPECTING her opinion

even if I disagree.

That in fact might do more good for this kid than any other outcome, consequence.

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