Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2018-04-25 - 7:22 a.m.

Lord give me strength as I parent four teen girls.

The hormones, the mood swings, the volatility...

Four teens

My morning moment of grace:
Watching this

Reminds me of my girls' struggles...

regardless of being for all intents having grown up as a rich white girl (Yes Really no denial... even if "just" upper middle class north shore long island it is a place of privalege , of private school and a place where as soon as I was old enough to I COULD GET A JOB easily...

that to me is being very well off indeed. Not the 1% but the upper middle working neighborhoods where not may of the teens wanted to work so it was easy to find jobs.

Yes we have to work to get that we earn, but we still have the opportunity and the educationally enriched environment to learn skills and be successful

So despite that MY background,

and the background of my girls

these four young women who have grown from these American suburbs, is not as much of a struggle for survival as the four black women historically capture

This dance and the struggles of four young women emerging in the world, and how they each manifest growing into their own and handle the abuses and trauma along the way remind me of the differing personalities of my girls and the challenges my girls push through

This piece reminds me that each of my four will grow and learn in their own way.

That first version didn't quite capture the anger which is very real for some of my own....

I have to watch this next version..

the "go to" one for me.

I like that the vocals ARE NOT Subdued

So I listen to this after my angry daughter

the one still processing her issues

at this point by projection and deflection and anything but self reflection

flings abuses at me

with her cursing and her displaced anger

she doesn't really know what to do with

As I listen and think

They call me MOTHER

and try to not find failure in my mothering

when I am FIRM That abuse is not tolerated

That the living room is the common area and if you want to sleep in , sleep in your room not the living room couch

And don't yell at me and fling insults and tell me I am selfish when I get up at 6 and make coffee and do dishes and strighten the house and make the NOISE Of being AWAKE for the day.

Lord give me patience...

as I know that being firm and calling the abuse , ABUSE
and reminding
"That is the behavior that results in getting kicked out of places,
results in loss of ties of those who say 'I will not be treated in such a disrespectful way' "

may not be ENOUGH

but it is what I CAN DO

and in good consience CAREFUL NOT TO ABANDON this child who of them all I feel is stuggling with abandonment

**ANY CHILD HIT will have such emotional abandonment issues

Deep rooted if the physical abuse of being hit was at all regular and sustained

So I am just grateful THIS Strong willed child who most of all four challenged her Father and brought out his worst is at least not emulating the physical abuse. At least she is not physically in rages flinging things destructively or lashing out physically at others MUCH OH YEAH she did just punch a sister in the head a couple weeks ago.... so that is not really true. What am I thankful for?? That it could be worse... we have no issues of substance abuse and the addictions are sugar and electronics I have to temper and manage and cut off... Yes it could be worse... and it best get better

*LETS never forget she also brings out HIS BEST
as he HAD TO GROW and LEARN TEMPERANCE and CHANGE through his LOVE for her...
well.... or these two would not be alive today.

Let me celebrate the changing power of love

She perhaps forced his growth more than any other He HAD to face his failings and overcome them to survice So there is hope she will lean to at a much earlier age than he did... and be grateful I do the best I can

as does he

And thankful he has found a love to stand by his side and support him in prayer and help give strength to each other to be the best parents they can be

*Oh yes he is a terrific parent UNTIL he crosses that line

I have said it over and over, we need to not IGNORE abusive failings in parents but face them and address them
and help the parent grow into being the BEST POSSIBLE rather than attack.

Same goes for this child

in her moment of weakness...

And find her the support.

SO I am THANKFUL That EACH DAY gets CLOSER to the one of the psychiatrist and therapist apppointments!

Transitioning (FINALLLY!!!) after years of Out of pocket pay to the one rated best in this area

to one covered by insurance...

(And I have to say I GET IT , their Dad's insistance on private pay. He was trying to protect and choose to make those payments at great expense for the well being of his childrens' future.

That is LOVE lest they ever forget.

He was trying to get them HELP

but set them up for opportunity they might not otherwise have had.

And I think that honorable.

He has done the best he can, even with his failings .

Heck the oldest of these four (the one always temperate), did get through the WEST Point application process up to the point of the physical.


So this is again a temporary time of transition.

So I need to be fully present when home.

EVEN if it would be EASIER for me to run off to work EARLY and return home LATE

to be an overachieving superhero at work

and escape my motherhood responsibility.

I so FIGHT That Flight urge in me....

And take the half hour to remind myself for my own sanity that I am doing the right thing by letting go in response to the cursing at me...
in not engaging in a fight...
in disengaging after NOT IGNORING it

but setting a boundary
a clear consequence
stating I will not be abused nor will anyone else tolerate it...

and suffering the small moment of resistance when it happens

with strength I don't really feel in the moment

but somehow is still there.

We all need resiliancy.

So Nina's Four Women help me find it this morning.

And most of all, They help me find the compassion I need for loving my own four flawed yet beautiful young women

Even the angry one.

Good art is universal. It speaks to us all in some way.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!