2018-04-25 - 7:22 a.m.
Lord give me strength as I parent four teen girls.
The hormones, the mood swings, the volatility...
My morning moment of grace:
Reminds me of my girls' struggles...
regardless of being for all intents having grown up as a rich white girl (Yes Really no denial... even if "just" upper middle class north shore long island it is a place of privalege , of private school and a place where as soon as I was old enough to I COULD GET A JOB easily...
that to me is being very well off indeed. Not the 1% but the upper middle working class...in neighborhoods where not may of the teens wanted to work so it was easy to find jobs.
Yes we have to work to get that we earn, but we still have the opportunity and the educationally enriched environment to learn skills and be successful
So despite that MY background,
and the background of my girls
these four young women who have grown from these American suburbs, is not as much of a struggle for survival as the four black women historically capture
This dance and the struggles of four young women emerging in the world, and how they each manifest growing into their own and handle the abuses and trauma along the way remind me of the differing personalities of my girls and the challenges my girls push through
This piece reminds me that each of my four will grow and learn in their own way.
I have to watch this next version..
the "go to" one for me.
I like that the vocals ARE NOT Subdued
So I listen to this after my angry daughter
at this point by projection and deflection and anything but self reflection
flings abuses at me
with her cursing and her displaced anger
she doesn't really know what to do with
They call me MOTHER
when I am FIRM That abuse is not tolerated
That the living room is the common area and if you want to sleep in , sleep in your room not the living room couch
And don't yell at me and fling insults and tell me I am selfish when I get up at 6 and make coffee and do dishes and strighten the house and make the NOISE Of being AWAKE for the day.
as I know that being firm and calling the abuse , ABUSE
may not be ENOUGH
but it is what I CAN DO
and in good consience CAREFUL NOT TO ABANDON this child who of them all I feel is stuggling with abandonment
**ANY CHILD HIT will have such emotional abandonment issues
Deep rooted if the physical abuse of being hit was at all regular and sustained
*LETS never forget she also brings out HIS BEST
She perhaps forced his growth more than any other He HAD to face his failings and overcome them to survice So there is hope she will lean to at a much earlier age than he did... and be grateful I do the best I can
as does he
And thankful he has found a love to stand by his side and support him in prayer and help give strength to each other to be the best parents they can be
*Oh yes he is a terrific parent UNTIL he crosses that line
I have said it over and over, we need to not IGNORE abusive failings in parents but face them and address them
Same goes for this child
in her moment of weakness...
SO I am THANKFUL That EACH DAY gets CLOSER to the one of the psychiatrist and therapist apppointments!
Transitioning (FINALLLY!!!) after years of Out of pocket pay to the one rated best in this area
to one covered by insurance...
(And I have to say I GET IT , their Dad's insistance on private pay. He was trying to protect and choose to make those payments at great expense for the well being of his childrens' future.
That is LOVE lest they ever forget.
He was trying to get them HELP
but set them up for opportunity they might not otherwise have had.
He has done the best he can, even with his failings .
I GET IT
So I need to be fully present when home.
to be an overachieving superhero at work
and escape my motherhood responsibility.
And take the half hour to remind myself for my own sanity that I am doing the right thing by letting go in response to the cursing at me...
but setting a boundary
and suffering the small moment of resistance when it happens
with strength I don't really feel in the moment
but somehow is still there.
We all need resiliancy.
So Nina's Four Women help me find it this morning.
And most of all, They help me find the compassion I need for loving my own four flawed yet beautiful young women
Even the angry one.
Good art is universal. It speaks to us all in some way.