2018-05-12 - 3:58 p.m.

I just did it again... ADHD Moment

wrote a very long, personal and thoughtful entry and then had to research one detail to add...
to get it correct

Dumbly it was spelling of Maharishi

Which I HAD correct

turned out...

LOL

but somehow LOST my page,
and my entry.

So here is the edited version

Read this; She is an amazing writer

https://elladawson.com/

And When almost 50 hell almost EVERYONE has herpes by now...

So best to get over it.

AND

Her reading helped ME Tremendously to realize my biggest challenge with sex has been
(other than NOT HAVING IT... and not being in a position to...
apparently as I have been told
"I don't want to be THAT GUY" Yes a direct quote from a guy who would not want to come to my home and get to know my girls and be my lover while intersecting with them and their lives

Cause he said he could never just be a lover without the natural relationships

cause he doesn't want to be THAT guy

and yet

he also doesn't want to be THAT GUY who has interest in solely a sexual relationship WHICH NEVER ENDS UP BEING SOLELY THAT...
etc...

there is always the love

at some level

But that was a quote from a man who never married
who never will

who commits himself to his art

and who I admire for having done so

But I digress...

WHY oh WHY are the only men I am TRULY ATTRACTED To not suitable for me?

Seriously??

Why attracted to those who have such passion and dedication to their artistry

Which again,
brings me to the question

Can one truly be an artist without destroying of self??

I think the answer is YES

but only IF you choose to remain single!

LOL

Maybe that is just wrong...

I joke about it however.

As to choose to be passionate about creating art is one kind of abandon to gifts and talents

AND HARD TO SUPPORT IN THIS LIFE

if One LOVES others and helps support interdependence in any community and system

UNLESS an artist community

but a family
or a spouse

to carve out a HOME

in this culture makes it VERY CHALLENGING to maintain being an artist....

I also think at my age the men who are single

tend to just be avoidance of a REAL Relationship

Either by choice

or by fear.

The guy I do date when he graces me with his presence

which apparently is only when I enter his orbit

*He is just not that into me

OBVIOUSLY

was accused of not being able to have a real relationship

by a lover of his.

She is so right (oh and not me)
She is so very right

He talked to me about it hurt by her comment, and I did try to defend a bit in the moment

he defended by talking about OUR relationship

but I know she IS RIGHT

actually spot on.

CE la vie...

So it is what it is..

a "non relationship" of sorts!! LOL

My kids are my priority anyway

And YES I don't want "THAT GUY" in my life while these teen girls are living here that demonstrates selfishness and seeking only his pleasure and only his needs met, and not willing to invest. OR who would invest and then leave out of inability to develop a "Real " relationship.

No ... I have not been one to be open to any men coming into my life who might not be sincere in interest and be involved in OUR World for a time in a really positive manner for all.

But I wouldn't mind if someone would step up to plate to be THAT GUY
who shows my girls how a woman SHOULD Be treated.

Its a challenge

as I am not looking for a husband or a father for them

SO I realize HALF The problem is MY ISSUE with being not interested in a commitment.

Which of course attracts only like minded men....

But its not like I don't have interest in that commitment long term

moreso

I just want to be able to raise kids
and the only kind of people I really would WANT TO BE IN my orbit

ARE THOSE Who just DO have some passion and love and dedication and commitment to WHAT THEIR CRAFT Or ART or PASSION in life is with full abandon, with full ability to focus and work and set goals and keep growing and progressing.

So that is a high expectation

Perhaps I seek too much

And yet those who DO THAT in their world

don't really have room to LET ME IN IT along with my whole extension of family

So I apprechiate the comment

"I just don't want to be that guy"

and I get it

I think I have gotten that for so long...

that judgement and thought in my head

that somehow

OUR FAMILY is
SO COMPLEX
and SO FULL OF ISSUES

and SO dysfunctional in need of our healing and growth

and so in need of learning to love and
learning to be gentle and compassionate to each other

and so in need of attention to each other

THAT I FEEL LIKE

I have to focus on being fully present (yet I have to work!)

AND I realize I ALSO Felt like

"This is just TOO MUCH. NO one could ever be asked to handle ALL THIS"

So my lack of commitment is really , has really been

a form of SELF JUDGEMENT

SELF SABATOGE

That we , our clan, ARE NOT WORTHY

We are too deeply wounded and flawed and have too many issues that collectively I have little confidence
ANYONE deserves this.

Really what my belief has been -

in my thoughts its reflected "HE deserves MORE"

When I said NO to the proposal

I thought "HE has NO IDEA what he thinks he would be getting into"

And truly the root of it all is an underlying current of

WE ARE NOT WORTHY

I AM NOT WORTHY

I have no idea how I really understood this today.
But it IS The wounding.

Maybe my one lover YEARS AGO saw this when he would say to me "But you really DO want that long term partner who loves you, despite it all, its really what we ALL WANT in the end."

He is so right.

The one who saw through all the veneer of my independence.

He was so right.

That man found his love and is married now. I am happy for him.

He is also the one lover I miss; meaning the one I miss the physicality of the love making we shared as it seemed so connected, so gentle and thoughtful and so very beautiful and DIFFERENT from other lovers.

I wrote about so much more and different in today's earlier LOST entry.

But this is true as well and truths sometimes hurt a little less once articulated.

Lies seem to sting worse

maybe in the telling
and also in the hearing

I have no idea if it is my imagination or instinct

but I was so saddened at a friend telling me of a dear dear friend who lost life due to struggling with depression

And my friend WORRIED that some thought (an assumption) they were lovers for a time; and WORRIED some would JUDGE that as having taken advantage

I was so challenged in my JUDGEMENT Of hearing this

as no matter what my friend said

In the pain of the loss of the friend

In the grieving over the past year

IN the attestation of love for the friend

I was here listening
Non judgementally

But was challenged, just a little afterward by EITHER the truth or the lie of what he told. Either way there is a deep sadness in this:

I thought he had lost a lover,and it doesn't really matter if he lost a friend who was not a lover- I thought the pain of the experience was that loss.

But there was more sadness I sensed.

I struggled , not in the conversation but AFTER in my thoughts, moreso a FEELING OF BEING ABSOLUTELY OFFENDED AND SO JUDGEMENTAL THAT IF THEY WERE NOT LOVERS

THAT THEY WERE NOT LOVERS

because if they were not

it seems clear to me

IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE

of the really overt view of my friend
that DESPITE loving his friend,
DESPITE being very attracted to her,

he would not physically love her,
because of HIS judgement of HER

HIS judgement of her past

HIS BELIEF HIS friend was not WORTHY Of being his lover DUE TO THE MENTAL ILLNESS

ANd I just so railed at that thought

His fear of judgement (of others- for he was so afraid some might THINK that he was hit so hard by her death BECAUSE they were lovers- yet even if just a friend it is his deep love of her that created a deep sense of loss!) yet his fear of judgement spoke to me not about any actual judgement of others
but of his own artiulated belief to have loved, physically, the person he was so close to emptionally and spiritually would have been VIEWED AS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF by OTHERS

which is only the reflection of his own
SCHISM of SEPARATING THE PHYSICAL ACTS OF SEXUALITY
from the DEEP EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED RELATIONSHIP he shared

* Which in OUR relationship I see clear evidence

AND Also

a reflection of his OWN issue of JUDGEMENT Of one with mental illness

as so broken they are not WORTHY Of being fully loved

and in illness one would be so vulnerable that to love

fully
both physically and spiritually
WOULD be "Taking advantage of"

I was so very saddened

as up until then , As I told him,
I TOO ASSUMED They were lovers

and it saddened me
both that THEY WERE NOT

OR saddened me THAT if they WERE HE FELT SO SHAMED as if by extention of loving one who killed him/herself there is such stigma that their lover would be deemed unwell to the point of SHAME

The whole SHAMING sense of it was just heartbreaking for me.

YET HE SHARED his deepest fears.

And it was ONLY A FEAR of the judgement of others

SO I wasn't really judging him

trying not to

Yet it made me very deeply sad.

Because if he could not fully love her

How could he EVER
Fully love me?

People also deal with guilt that they could have done more for the person they loved who ended their own life.

Thought like mine don't help.

They just add to a sense of shaming those left behind...
You could have loved her better
You should have loved her better....

That is really not the message I want to convey

And if there WAS NOT Physical attraction and visceral interest and romantic love,

well then HE DID LOVE HER BEST HE COULD and vice versa.

So not sure why it hit me so hard,
why my instict was so very sad

and I read it as him having been driven by FEAR to not be open to a deeper relationship

a "real" relationship

when it might have been good for them both

OR WHY it makes me sad to think the lover he had was likely correct that he emotionally blocked potential THEY HAD

and that he seems to justify what I see as his issues by talking of her issues with depression

as if that is connected (maybe it is) to his choice to not be more serious.

But it makes me sad as I see his alcoholism
and his own challenges , likely with depression,
as the real blocks for HIM Of a deep intimacy.

But I am judging.

I suppose it is on my mind as June invited me to go hear live music last night. It was so fabulous to go out with her , as always.
I actually ran into - ok will just be direct, an old lover, a brief love affair that ended as I ended it immediately upon learning that guy was just out of a relationship and I sensed it could be a rebound thing... it could be I keep in the relationship with a man clearly in love with another woman, or walk away and give him the space to be ALONE and work through that or space for HER to come back into his world...

which is what happened. The got back together and were engaged within that year.

In any case...

He HAPPENED to be at the same music event with friends.

I noticed this couple setting up on a blanket and thought how lovely it was how attentive the guy was and how organized with a bag of food and how into the lady he was, so engaged and attentive

I assumed in love

But I read it wrong..
he is that was when interacting with everyone

It turned out he was in town visiting

And the lady was the wife of one of the musicians and he was there with the couple as the designated driver !

And it was nice to join them and visit,

but truth be told super sad and hard for me to watch

as it was clear she is an alcoholic

and was not going to stop drinking once starting.

And I was further reminded why I did not choose to keep dating this wonderful guy-

He was buying the bottles from the winery.

HE feeds on other's addictions.

That seems harsh

But a pattern in the past of literally doing so.

I liked him much, but deemed him dangerous to be involved in.

I wrote of WHAT IS MY LUCK before... The one guy I really resonated with in years was an ex con??

Yeah that guy...

SUCH A NICE GUY

But that is a pattern there...

And I don't know am I just jugemental??

OR is it fundamentally seriously one of the most awful things a human can do to be supplying the drug of choice to an addict?

I feel like if there truly is SIN

then that is the equivalant of pulling the trigger.

Too harsh?

Yes I struggle with my own judgement; my own moral code.

I try so hard to love without judgement.

Damn its hard.

Nonetheless,

it was SUCH A lovely night enjoying the company of these folks until the end when it was clear the gal was just in distress from over-imbibing.

She was still a lovely person and I ENJOYED talking to her.

Likewise him, and glad to hear that while he explored some of the so called religious teachings of some group he found them too radical

(NO shit, they are some group basically using bible based foundation for just getting off grid, not paying taxes and claiming this construct of our society is all bull shit and they are just OUT THERE And Flat out WRONG in some of the use of both Bible and Constitution to justify counter culture that ends up supporting CRIMINAL behavior... west coast nonsense of course...)

Nonetheless, It was nice to socialize with him and hear of how it fares with his lady, and enjoy company of both my friend and his

and I had one nice glass of Chardonney

and enjoyed that my little dog was well behaved more often than she barked.

And I LOVE, LOVE , LOVE
live music more than anything

although it was good old rock and roll and not jazz

AFTER The gig two of the players then made my night with a rendition of Mac the Knife

small thing, but to my delight

And a version of CRAZY that I relished the moment of being able to walk off with my dog and sing along with.

And I got to meet the nice landlord of June, who was in the band (thus her going to this).

It was just such a nice night.

Followed by supporting this non profit

http://www.wisdomspring.org/about/our-story/

It was with great pleasure I succeeded in one of my teens in joining me for Walking For Water this morning.

I am planting seeds wherever I can.

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