2018-05-12 - 3:58 p.m.
I just did it again... ADHD Moment
wrote a very long, personal and thoughtful entry and then had to research one detail to add...
Dumbly it was spelling of Maharishi
Which I HAD correct
but somehow LOST my page,
Her reading helped ME Tremendously to realize my biggest challenge with sex has been
Cause he said he could never just be a lover without the natural relationships
cause he doesn't want to be THAT guy
he also doesn't want to be THAT GUY who has interest in solely a sexual relationship WHICH NEVER ENDS UP BEING SOLELY THAT...
there is always the love
at some level
But that was a quote from a man who never married
who commits himself to his art
Why attracted to those who have such passion and dedication to their artistry
Can one truly be an artist without destroying of self??
I think the answer is YES
but only IF you choose to remain single!
Maybe that is just wrong...
I joke about it however.
As to choose to be passionate about creating art is one kind of abandon to gifts and talents
AND HARD TO SUPPORT IN THIS LIFE
if One LOVES others and helps support interdependence in any community and system
UNLESS an artist community
but a family
to carve out a HOME
in this culture makes it VERY CHALLENGING to maintain being an artist....
tend to just be avoidance of a REAL Relationship
or by fear.
The guy I do date when he graces me with his presence
which apparently is only when I enter his orbit
*He is just not that into me
was accused of not being able to have a real relationship
by a lover of his.
he defended by talking about OUR relationship
actually spot on.
CE la vie...
a "non relationship" of sorts!! LOL
My kids are my priority anyway
No ... I have not been one to be open to any men coming into my life who might not be sincere in interest and be involved in OUR World for a time in a really positive manner for all.
Its a challenge
as I am not looking for a husband or a father for them
SO I realize HALF The problem is MY ISSUE with being not interested in a commitment.
Which of course attracts only like minded men....
I just want to be able to raise kids
ARE THOSE Who just DO have some passion and love and dedication and commitment to WHAT THEIR CRAFT Or ART or PASSION in life is with full abandon, with full ability to focus and work and set goals and keep growing and progressing.
So that is a high expectation
Perhaps I seek too much
And yet those who DO THAT in their world
don't really have room to LET ME IN IT along with my whole extension of family
So I apprechiate the comment
"I just don't want to be that guy"
I think I have gotten that for so long...
that judgement and thought in my head
OUR FAMILY is
and SO dysfunctional in need of our healing and growth
and so in need of learning to love and
I have to focus on being fully present (yet I have to work!)
AND I realize I ALSO Felt like
"This is just TOO MUCH. NO one could ever be asked to handle ALL THIS"
So my lack of commitment is really , has really been
a form of SELF JUDGEMENT
That we , our clan, ARE NOT WORTHY
Really what my belief has been -
in my thoughts its reflected "HE deserves MORE"
When I said NO to the proposal
I thought "HE has NO IDEA what he thinks he would be getting into"
And truly the root of it all is an underlying current of
WE ARE NOT WORTHY
I AM NOT WORTHY
Maybe my one lover YEARS AGO saw this when he would say to me "But you really DO want that long term partner who loves you, despite it all, its really what we ALL WANT in the end."
The one who saw through all the veneer of my independence.
He was so right.
That man found his love and is married now. I am happy for him.
He is also the one lover I miss; meaning the one I miss the physicality of the love making we shared as it seemed so connected, so gentle and thoughtful and so very beautiful and DIFFERENT from other lovers.
I wrote about so much more and different in today's earlier LOST entry.
But this is true as well and truths sometimes hurt a little less once articulated.
Lies seem to sting worse
maybe in the telling
I have no idea if it is my imagination or instinct
but I was so saddened at a friend telling me of a dear dear friend who lost life due to struggling with depression
And my friend WORRIED that some thought (an assumption) they were lovers for a time; and WORRIED some would JUDGE that as having taken advantage
I was so challenged in my JUDGEMENT Of hearing this
as no matter what my friend said
In the pain of the loss of the friend
In the grieving over the past year
IN the attestation of love for the friend
I was here listening
But was challenged, just a little afterward by EITHER the truth or the lie of what he told. Either way there is a deep sadness in this:
I thought he had lost a lover,and it doesn't really matter if he lost a friend who was not a lover- I thought the pain of the experience was that loss.
I struggled , not in the conversation but AFTER in my thoughts, moreso a FEELING OF BEING ABSOLUTELY OFFENDED AND SO JUDGEMENTAL THAT IF THEY WERE NOT LOVERS
THAT THEY WERE NOT LOVERS
because if they were not
it seems clear to me
IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE
he would not physically love her,
HIS judgement of her past
HIS BELIEF HIS friend was not WORTHY Of being his lover DUE TO THE MENTAL ILLNESS
which is only the reflection of his own
* Which in OUR relationship I see clear evidence
a reflection of his OWN issue of JUDGEMENT Of one with mental illness
as so broken they are not WORTHY Of being fully loved
and in illness one would be so vulnerable that to love
I was so very saddened
OR saddened me THAT if they WERE HE FELT SO SHAMED as if by extention of loving one who killed him/herself there is such stigma that their lover would be deemed unwell to the point of SHAME
The whole SHAMING sense of it was just heartbreaking for me.
YET HE SHARED his deepest fears.
And it was ONLY A FEAR of the judgement of others
trying not to
Because if he could not fully love her
Thought like mine don't help.
They just add to a sense of shaming those left behind...
That is really not the message I want to convey
well then HE DID LOVE HER BEST HE COULD and vice versa.
So not sure why it hit me so hard,
and I read it as him having been driven by FEAR to not be open to a deeper relationship
a "real" relationship
when it might have been good for them both
OR WHY it makes me sad to think the lover he had was likely correct that he emotionally blocked potential THEY HAD
and that he seems to justify what I see as his issues by talking of her issues with depression
as if that is connected (maybe it is) to his choice to not be more serious.
But it makes me sad as I see his alcoholism
I suppose it is on my mind as June invited me to go hear live music last night. It was so fabulous to go out with her , as always.
which is what happened. The got back together and were engaged within that year.
He HAPPENED to be at the same music event with friends.
I noticed this couple setting up on a blanket and thought how lovely it was how attentive the guy was and how organized with a bag of food and how into the lady he was, so engaged and attentive
I assumed in love
And the lady was the wife of one of the musicians and he was there with the couple as the designated driver !
but truth be told super sad and hard for me to watch
as it was clear she is an alcoholic
He was buying the bottles from the winery.
HE feeds on other's addictions.
That seems harsh
But a pattern in the past of literally doing so.
I liked him much, but deemed him dangerous to be involved in.
I wrote of WHAT IS MY LUCK before... The one guy I really resonated with in years was an ex con??
Yeah that guy...
And I don't know am I just jugemental??
OR is it fundamentally seriously one of the most awful things a human can do to be supplying the drug of choice to an addict?
I feel like if there truly is SIN
then that is the equivalant of pulling the trigger.
Yes I struggle with my own judgement; my own moral code.
I try so hard to love without judgement.
Damn its hard.
it was SUCH A lovely night enjoying the company of these folks until the end when it was clear the gal was just in distress from over-imbibing.
She was still a lovely person and I ENJOYED talking to her.
Likewise him, and glad to hear that while he explored some of the so called religious teachings of some group he found them too radical
(NO shit, they are some group basically using bible based foundation for just getting off grid, not paying taxes and claiming this construct of our society is all bull shit and they are just OUT THERE And Flat out WRONG in some of the use of both Bible and Constitution to justify counter culture that ends up supporting CRIMINAL behavior... west coast nonsense of course...)
and I had one nice glass of Chardonney
and enjoyed that my little dog was well behaved more often than she barked.
And I LOVE, LOVE , LOVE
although it was good old rock and roll and not jazz
AFTER The gig two of the players then made my night with a rendition of Mac the Knife
small thing, but to my delight
And a version of CRAZY that I relished the moment of being able to walk off with my dog and sing along with.
And I got to meet the nice landlord of June, who was in the band (thus her going to this).
It was just such a nice night.
Followed by supporting this non profit
I am planting seeds wherever I can.