2018-07-07 - 2:10 p.m.

UPDATE IN OCT: I changed my mind. I am just too damn tired. Can't imagine studying now. NOT Now. I am letting go. One has to let go to allow room for something else. My Director at work reminded me of that in a 1:1. He is very wise. So I am providing for my children, and continue to learn SQL and have let go of task of financial accounting at work (THANK GOD!!!) and moving on to project management of basic software and team projects. Boss encouraging me to take PMI PMP I am thinking "Hell no" Not yet... Just can't imagine studying as helping my two teens that live with me navigate the last two years of high school for them. MAYBE after one or two of them are off in college and less obligations at home. Will see... Teen Update: They actually GET ALONG and seem to really enjoy each other's company sometimes! They won't admit it if ask them-- but I come home and catch them laughing; catch them in post baking session where they made an apple pie.... its like they are so used to dysfunctional fighting they are hiding that they really love each other at times... IN TIME they will hopefully get used to being nice and connecting! Slow behavior mod to normalization of family relationships might actually work??? I hope.... Still my modus operandi of setting limits I can; hoping they are ENOUGH and have enough impact and forgiving and hoping that is the right example when I demonstrate temperance and calm acceptance of limitations while articulating the behavior I would like them to strive for and trying to set it as an example. Keep hoping this works. ******************************************************************************************Below is the entry from JULY! Thank you Diaryland for being the one consistent site I can get into, not matter what, where or when.

That was particularly helpful way back when I set up this site for purpose of safety so one of my besties knew I was OK.

Its helpful now as I am older and can't recall passwords easily,
as although it is not the best security

SCREW it
as older I less value computer security than I value BASIC FUNCTIONALITY.

All the damn security layers make email cumbersome and a pain in the ass for me.

I must be getting old.

That is very clear,

as although I can learn basic SQL (as if my life depends on it... as well, my children's stability in life kinda does...)

and I can learn , and muddle through financial accounting,
and back end computer operations

and learn Agile Project skills
and lean six sigma

I still can't recall my damn passwords.

Its enough to remember the ones I use daily at work the 40+ hour there.

What is frustrating is I am at the library where I HOPED to knock off a newsletter about upcoming summer events for the arts program.

And not only can I not even RECALL the damn log in user name for the app I use for the newsletter,

I am locked out of the email address which I KNOW has that info.

Sheesh....

they think I am not vested, disengaged and bored of the volunteer task...

not true.

I am just so damn challenged.

The sad part is the marketing part that I was doing well at was turned over to someone else. The marketing on Facebook I could do...
that I could keep up with.

But the newsletter is the worst of the tasks and that is the one I am stuck with. I don't mind the drudgery of it once get in the applications

And I don't even mind the chasing down photos (if I haven't gotten it together to TAKE THEM . That was my mistake as the device I was using for photos ended up being useful for box office sales... so was used for that AS INTENDED but I was NOT ORGANIZED to PLAN AHEAD and DUH I came to the last event without means of taking photos.

My crappy phone takes crappy photos.

OK, enough of the bitching session.

TOMORROW I will come back and get this task done.

The good news is abounding so I will share that:

1. Soren was cast in a musical. Initially offered a non equity contract, agent said "hell no!!" and furthermore said " His value in market is equity pay and working with ALL that caliber of actor worth the same. He can do your show if and only if you pay the whole cast equity rates."

WOW Power of a good agent that KNOWS your worth when you DO have an exceptional talent. There may be a million actors out there, but they know THERE IS ONLY ONE SOREN.

They know star quality when they see it.

AND they know business.

You only get paid your worth (at WHATEVER YOU DO IN LIFE-- and I don't care if that means you are a Nanny or a Painter, or a Clerk at a store, or a cabby or a Nurse etc... or an engineer or Doctor or a street cleaner) YOU only get paid your worth when you KNOW YOUR WORTH and set that expectation.

Too many people settle for less or let OTHERS define their worth.

FUCK THAT.

You all know I don't curse much.

This is an example of how I am not really opposed to using strong language when it is called for.

Trying very hard to teach my one teen who is peppering every exclamation and lessening the worth of that word and not valuing her worth frankly as well by the demeaning manner in which she insults and frankly uses abusive angry language at the oddest provocation.

Lots of conversations about the use of language, and the value of having temperance and effective communication which seem to fall on deaf ears.

This is the teen I had hearing tested for in the past year.

It's fine.

She continues to be a challenge.

Her sister BEGGED me to do something .

I am doing the best I can.

Sis is just still angry that at the punch to her head I did not call the police. She WANTS her abusive sib out of the house.

I don't think that will help either of them frankly.

I don't see the merit in that.

I don't think it would have made her BETTER.

But rather likely worse off in life...

How can one teach compassion, forgiveness and LOVE if one follows the punitive retributive model. Therein lies the challenge: one can not teach at all without consequences but there had to be SOME middle ground between getting arrested and JD
and not doing ANYTHING.

I am trying to find that appropriate most effective middle ground.

Its tough when you don't have too many privileges to either offer or take away.

So I am just happy that since that one incident MONTHS AGO (I think it was Jan? It was weeks after she moved in, ran out of medicine completely and was bio-chemically adjusting... violence is NOT Surprising when de-toxing from psychotropic...)

So its been a hard sell to teach her sibling who was at the other end of that fist to FORGIVE her...
but moreso hard to teach her NOT TO BE TERRIFIED of her at times.

She really thinks her sister is a potential danger so stays out of her way, avoids conflict.

I ask her to do so just a bit longer...

The girl did benefit immensely from medication and treatment. I see only worsening of her and YES mood disorder symptoms, actual rapid cycling of intense moods at times in her. Not euphoria or extreme mania ever...

That is the challenge

When are the behaviors indicative of an immature kid emulating poor behavioral norms that resulted in her just being A JERK who is self absorbed, lacking self awareness and immature
and WHEN do they cross a threshold of what is a mood disorder?

Sure medication helps...
but does that do her a service in the long run to medicate a teen in the short run for the primary purpose of the REST Of us living a peaceful NORMAL life as that regulated her behavior so we are not suffering her abuse?

Will medication actually help all the assholes in the world?

Is being a jerk reason enough to take pharmaceuticals?

And what does that do for SKILL building?
Will she have the ability to SELF regulate if she doesn't' have the opportunity to practice and learn such skills? What then happens if she doesn't have health insurance to cover medicine? A quick spiral and a blow to someone else's head and jail then?

So overall, no more blows to anyone's head. She is miserable to live with and acts like a victim- but I think oddly is really not doing that bad, considering her past behavior. YES not optimal, but I am seeing the progress. They argue and she is not destructive. No more scrawling "FUCK YOU" on my wall- which yes this kid did once (I did call the police on that occasion. I am NOT opposed when she is unhinged. But that was perhaps four years ago... and this time when she hit her sister she regained self control the moment she saw me enter the room which is I think what SCARES her sister as its perhaps psychotic behavior in her sister's eyes in that she CHOOSES to be violent when no one else is around to witness. That makes it worse... but also the challenge is that because she can control herself and CHOSES to for the time being I have to see that as progress. She is simply not out of control, not threatening to harm self or others and is just unpleasant and a self centered , self absorbed person.

More so I see a kid in pain.

I see a lot of projection onto others of her own actual issues.

Enough of this; back to good news:

2. I have official raised a bona fide poet.

YES my oldest, Katerina, is off to a professional writers workshop with some of the best minds of our time that also happen to be socially connected to the academia and publishing communities. Her college was a good network for her! She was accepted at a workshop that take 11% of the applicants. Quite an honor and hey we still do have some professional poets in this world. Proud she is one of them.

I may have written about a reading she did with the bass player that had been her father's teacher years ago backing the words, which she did along with her former nanny. She arrived, full circle, and read in this community where she was raised. I couldn't have been more proud of that moment even though I could not be there. He is an old jazz cat- one of the best, co hort of my now deceased drum teacher.

3. Sadie, daughter # 2 is off to college in the Fall with a beautiful combination of $40K a year in grants and scholarships. Most repeatable- just a couple thousand for this year only from local organizations for graduating seniors. One is a National Choral org scholarship, one the parents music association scholarship, and one a four year fine arts scholarship at her school where she will sing in the chorus. For the 100th anniversary of some big historical event in Europe the chorus plans to travel this year in the Spring. She just found out about that so hopes money for that is to somehow manifest.

As for the remainder of tuition, she has her student loan (finally figured out the fed loan site and signed her promissory note) , she has a good summer job at $13 per hour, and with a little help from parents will make up the difference.

We are on "family hold back" as they say... no discretionary spending at all for the next month. ITs been that way for the past two weeks, so I think about 6-8 weeks of sacrifice and no extras won't hurt the fam for her to be able to go to college. I need to do that to pay my portion. That means buying only necessary groceries. Kids just have to deal: They can eat what I buy and cook .
The princess of course complained and then goes and shops for crap food as she won't eat the Tuna casserole I made, or the roasted veggies, or the corn on the cob or the tofu stir fried...

I have no budget for picky eaters.

When vegan son was visiting we bought a way too large package of tofu and it keeps so the kid can just deal as that is the protein source for the time being. The other teen has gotten good at cooking it. She is the K Pop obsessed one so more motivated to learn how to make Asian food so at least one of the two is not acting like I am depriving them. Really hotdogs, rice and beans and stir fry for the time being will not hurt. Fresh garden veggies are of course on the menu. I have more fresh green beans and swiss chard than I know what to do with.
So I have no patience for the complaints of the sugar addict because CRAP food is just not in the budget just now.

I did buy one half gallon of ice cream and it was gone in ONE DAY.
Sheesh....

If she learned moderation then she would have been able to enjoy a bit all week.

OK

4. there is a drum workshop at the library so enough venting.
That is the other good news. Going to that now.

and
5. I am not giving up. Started studying again. YES I will give it that one last shot. VA exam next Feb.

How can I not?

I did not invest in law school at $68 K to date to take the Bar Exam ( trust me the accounting is accurate as I ran the #s twice... don't worry about the breakdown. Exam costs, prep material and classes, transportation and accommodations for exam etc..child care), to NOT be an immigration lawyer.

Really, how can I watch what is going on in this world now and NOT take that exam.

The recent decision will clog the courts for YEARS. The decision of "case by case" review.

I heard that and did exclaim with some strong language.

That is akin to tying things up in courts for a long, long time.

So long I could be practicing law and defending people if I put my mind to it and overcome that few point gap.

I have to try. NEXT FEB

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