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2019-04-28 - 7:54 a.m.

I read this article and figured- OK , even thought I have to be somewhere this morn and am coming on line to confirm the time, I will take just 5 min to write.

Of course router was off and it took a good 5 -10 to get it up and running. I was being patient before figured best shut it off and on again as pages were not loading.

I do that all too often; have too much patience that it doesn't serve me well.

At work at a really engaged discussion one person said "You are dangerously innovative". This was in a collaborative Employee Resource Group.

I said "Thank you for that second word. I very much appreciate it"

I sense the first is how MY Group at work perceives me currently,

sadly as I think that is how my BOSS is perceiving me!

The unfortunate thing is this is not due to actual WORK but because, like always , if there is something I feel strongly about as far as HOW we treat each other or systemic problems (these are the big ones- racism, sexism, ableism), well I will speak up.

Apparently this is a time to grow as I think my boss is spot on in working with me on my communication to learn how and when to convey a message to the right audience.

Trouble is I keep thinking about her guidance and it leads me to believe that ACTIVIST groups are the best to convey messages to companies. not internal employees. The integrity tax is sometimes high I believe--

as in you get fired

or efforts are made to try to make a case for such.

Then there is the issue that if a company is downsizing there is sometimes effort to create what is apparently a good case for a person not being capable and fit for their job
WHEN REALLY a RIF by any other name is a RIF.

Well so is downsizing, but it can be done REALLY COMPASSIONATELY and ethically

which is why I am so proud to work where I do as I believe they do so !

They encourage retirement and give fair packages, and they allow people to prepare and plan.

So the issue for me is I think I AM a good fit for my job. My boss however for some reason must have taken offense at some issues raised. I don't think she understands I raised issues NOT ABOUT HER as honestly I think she is this incredibly, capable, wonderful leader. She is embracing improving corporate culture in many ways. There are however some cultural issues I think that she is indicative of (as in mainly how SHE is coached by HR to deal with one who mentions a disability).

That is the concern. Our company is terriffic. One of the best on all those three issues

but when it comes to the issue of abelism

EVEN THE BEST has a long way to go when recognizing their need to grow in the area of understanding how to address and respect those with disabilities that are not seen.

I hope I was not overconfident in my attempts to address those issues OUTSIDE of my particular working group but on a bigger picture level. I wanted to just focus on my daily work, on learning to do my work to the best of ability. I wanted to stay in my lane at work but get someone else to put on the pressure so my company doesn't just gloss over this issue.

They just don't get it.

Problem is,
I think perhaps I spoke to some of the wrong players in hoping to get some group support at work. They ignored me. They likely went to some management chain. I think my seeking to vent in a moment to one co-worker about attitudes and something my boss said (which I am sure coached to say)

likely got back to her. She must feel defensive? Or is advised or personally decided to go on the offensive with me?

Because I am getting comments AFTER she and I talk, now in WRITING and they are disconcertingly not accurately portraying my response to some very valid constructive criticism. (I love the chance to grow. Its helpful to have her point out nitty gritty details.)

I would be so appreciative of her time if she was doing so out of this desire to help me succeed.

Its just very odd however that I sense a shift in her intent of late. She seems more defensive and not coming out of a team work place. That makes me think some confidence of my one team mate was not held.

Hope make it through this. I never share SPECIFICS of either my work place or the actual things... just to protect any confidentiality of others. (And to be naming ME and MY WORK etc... I feel like could at some point make others not have their privacy respected.)

Heck I , more than anyone, know how awful it is to be judged by only one lens.
I would never want that for anyone else , nor want to ever put anything out there that could be construed negatively about anyone else.

Interesting I wrote that last comment as to why never share details HERE.
But it also holds true of why I have NOT directly addressed the one thing I vented about to a co-worker but did so on the bigger picture ISSUE level elsewhere.
Because it is NOT ABOUT HER
and i don't want to say anything negative ABOUT HER. I respect her too much.

But I really have a hard time just allowing a negative CULTURE for those with a disability in my workplace to go unchecked.

THAT Is my integrity issue.

So hope the tax I pay does not end up being really high.
But I guess, as one friend I went out to a happy hour with said to me
"You know what you are doing. "

Just hope my choice to try to make our workplace BETTER by addressing this issue with a believe there would not be this unexpected pressure was not NAIVE. The main issue I have been addressing is that there was a very positive view of me in our whole group, but at some point I told a manager I have ADHD and I sensed a very real shift in how I was respected (or suddenly not) . The shift was apparent enough that I got a call from a coworker who apologized to me how our group treated me on one occasion; and another co-worker made comment to me they noticed that even when I am accurate about something there is this odd thing that I am dismissed as if what I said was not valid.


That happens and its so interesting.

I am just not up for pretending to be anything other than me.

And I would LOVE nothing more that to STAY IN THE JOB I AM IN and work through this with MY GROUP and also MY COMPANY and make not just a small impact but a REALLY DANGEROUSLY TRANSFORMATIVE IMPACT on how corporate culture accepts and works with those with disabilities- ALL disabilities, not just the visible, physical ones but also those that inform thinking just a bit differently.

Change always feels dangerous at first.

Until push through the fear of unknown.
And people realize it is actually innovative and positive and will
help ALL be best they can be.

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