2019-05-13 - 7:49 p.m.

I have 11 medical appts to make.
WHEW happy the girls' Dad called remembering he had already scheduled the eye dr. appts for them. The list had been 13 earlier today. I had work to do and hoped to get to some of those after work but didn't get further than making the list. I make it to school to meet with the counselor about the one kid who has made it to school just once in last couple weeks.

My hobby of late is reading about dysautonomia

Its exhausting having two teens with pretty bad POTS symptoms. It is befuddling and can be itself a bit depressing. I am feeling better today at action taken to do what I can for my one daughter.

The school is going to work on arranging home-bound for her for the remainder of year. That alone I think gave her too more encouragement and she spent time this afternoon after she finally woke up working on school work.

Came to the library to print out the required paperwork the assistant principal mailed to me. I recently changed password to my email and am sure I won't recall it. Left the cell phone home...so to reset not an option til I have that.

So I am at the library, and will write just a bit and then try to get into my acct. If not successful will just print those papers tomorrow evening. I have til Friday to get them filled out by Drs and returned to school so it will be a busy couple of days.

I have an idea for a new poem.It will come in time.
The idea is a response to going to the church where the pastor gave this kinda awful sermon.

Here is the paraphrase:

"Remember those 80s stickers "baby on board"?
They became popular and then saw them everywhere on cars?
I remember my mother put a laundry basket with a blanket and put it right under the driver side"

(OK... now my comment here... Really? How did she reach the pedals? OK, so he was exaggerating a bit... or just misspoke but I can let that go, even if not possible....)

"But then the next generation had these car seats and auto eject buttons for safety.."

(OK I get it, the guy is Trying HARD to be FUNNY. Its a better show if he engages the audience with humor. It is his PERFORMANCE style. I think that is what first irritates me... that this pastor always seems to be performing. Even the affect when he seems seriously contemplative spiritual which comes after attempts to be funny just falls short of sincere to me.)

So he continues then with:

" So now this next generation comes, and we have these 'snowflakes' - these twenty somethings are filling the campuses with their mental health needs and they are taxing the system"

What the FUCK ?

I mean the guys credibility was already low and then he goes from low to ZERO.

As in NO FACT based viewpoint
Complete offensive rant following

"Each generation is influenced by the neuroticism of the one before, and it seems to keep getting worse"

Great, so now you are telling us parents our kids with mental illness are so because of OUR neurotic fears.
YEAH he goes there

"The neurotic fears keep growing"

I forget his main point after that as I was busy trying hard to just not be at all full of righteous anger but rather absolute compassionate pity for the man and invoking a sense of forgiveness. I TRIED to then pay attention to the positive kernels therein... something about ...
What the hell was it?

OH yeah his take on the actual reading which was of the Shepard leading his sheep.

I was however more in tune and paying attention to the mom above me whom happens to have a bi-polar daughter the same age as my oldest child. This daughter of hers who is tremendously talented, actually one year in class older than my child perhaps..now that I recall. She was always an incredible writer. It made me happy to see her husband who had been ushering or something, so standing elsewhere make his way back to hold her hand in solidarity and quiet support. His non verbal act of love and what I read as expression of "Just ignore this bullshit" was quite subtle , yet strong and absolutely beautiful and I focused on them as she shared with me that there are many symptoms and traits in him that are likely the genetic family shared challenged lived with and overcome... without diagnosis , and so I was struck by the marvelous strength of their love.

But I heard the rest, the underwealming interpertation of the scripture..
"What are attributes of sheep? How do they survive? Not by their cunning, not by "... I forget what else he said with attempts and humor, which did get chuckles from those not too stunned by the prior idiocy of his comments... OH yeah, " they don't have a fierce growl, great strength and ability to fight and defend themselves."

He went on " It is only through the Shepard they are saved"
and then he spoke of the "small quiet voice. We need to be receptive and listen and allow that gentle voice of Jesus to provide our comfort. Jesus provides the compassion we need , the healing..." and here he got that deep, spiritual personal affect as he spoke almost seeming inspired and ... well... affectatious is all I could think as he is just not a very good actor. Its like a bad performance. I can't help but think that way after having gone to a mass that was WONDERFUL with my son once where he blurted " That was a great show!" as we laughed about it, as he said later he meant it was so sincere and REAL and GENUINE but as he is an actor the language of the actor who intends to HARNESS sincere and real and genuine in actual performance as means of sharing real love and other human emotion to connect us all to greater understanding came through. So when he saw this guy at Christmas his review was that this pastor is just a bad actor- doesn't really reach that moment he seeks and tries to hard and it seems sadly disingenuous. Trouble is the things that ARE NOT disingenuous are when he is speaking of actual fear and judgement in these words which I feel really are not founded on love at all-- but fear.

And the congregation , not more than one or two a day younger than 30, found their comfort that morn.

And I thought

He missed the point. Sheep find their strength in numbers.
Sure the Shepard helps them not get lost, but it is the strength in numbers which offers greater protection and safety.

And just like the small quiet voices we listen to; it is their collective joining with other quiet voices which give them resonance and strength such that they can not be ignored and have great effect. They then become powerful beyond measure.

It is like an individual snowflake. If bonded with other, they can come together to create an avalanche.

So there are the seeds for the idea of my next poem. Maybe they will remain an essay. But seriously, as long as I keep going to this church for what I each time expect to be a wonderful beautiful experience- ( I mean I figure my local Catholic homophobic priest is SO HORRIFIC this other local church can't be as bad so I occasionally stop in- and sometimes it is not a huge disappointment. I REALLY like a number of the attendees... that is the weird part! I get such support and encouragement from them! I go to another church regularly I truly love as the pastor there is fantastic. Its the only progressive church in my area- the only one openly welcoming to gay or trans, the one that hosts NA and AA etc...etc... the one where I went on a service day to volunteer at the organization that supports homeless teens.. you get the idea. I visit the other because of the people there figuring
perhaps I can hear the good
and write about that which needs to be changed.

Oh and weirdly, this church with the pastor happens to have a FEMALE bishop that I saw the one time, and I tell you she had this fab purple highlights over her silver hair, and I was just getting that lesbian vibe... I mean , someone else commented they had same thought- that this pastor who is old school and has not grown just might be oblivious to reality, out of touch and in fact blind to the leadership and direction of his OWN church capital "C" . Sheesh.

But regardless, I mean who am I to comment on the sexuality of a bishop... although I think if that inkling were true it would be so very ironic.

OK back to the work of day. Will try to get into my email.

In other news
I called insurance company and will be replacing my roof. There were super high winds back in Feb that lifted a bunch of shingles. Neighbor got a roof replacement and encouraged me to call my insurance company to inquire about doing same. Great idea I had not thought of! Seriously just did not even occur to me the homeowner policy had coverage for such! I was even inquiring about getting my roof inspected as I planned on fixing the damage!

Will have a co -pay of $1500 but hey not bad as they did say the whole roof needs replacement. I just have a couple hoops to arrange that.

Thank God for my job.

Exhausted and achy today but myself getting by. I overdid some physical work the Fri before last and am still feeling the pain in joints. Went swimming one morn, then the next did hours of gardening.Lots of up and down bending knees so my back would not hurt. Problem is the knees have been achy for over a week now. For days I felt like I had a very hard long run. It was like I ran an eight miler after not conditioning.... my muscles were so sore! Clearly not in shape I had been in as still gently exercise for most part as the muscle pulled in leg never fully healed. So overdid it and the overall body aches are still there. I am sure they will heal soon enough.

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