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2019-08-13 - 5:55 p.m.

OK, I am sure it is just because of the fact the dude who mentioned "Come over for BBQ"
and an upcoming weekend music festival is son of friends I had been close with (and I had issues with that....he was a bit flirtatious... well more like overt)- that I just had the perfect way to pretty much chill any interest.

I got a text , something simple like "How are you?"

and answered with something like

"Wonderful, it is a new moon which indicates a time of transformation and a good time to start something new."


and I am posting on Facebook how much I love Marianne Williamson.


That should scare him away....

OH but I DO like Marianne Williamson.

AND would like the music festival (but I would go during day only and not camp out . I have kids and the dog.... and that makes it hard at this time of life to take off anywhere for too long unless dog comes with me. That's an option.... but I am not going camping with some dude that is NOT my lover! Not happening.... and I am sure that is really the intent... but just not feeling it.... Sorry guy...

So why do perfectly decent men who I would potentially find of interest have to ruin possibilities by being overly sexual in speech or mannerisms too soon and then creep women out?

Its this interesting thing... some guys just don't get it and have no idea how to be smooth and read a situation and get it if that is appropriate or not YET

and the YET is the key

its not even a TIME thing as sometimes that YET moment happens earlier than others in the development of a relationship.

But it IS a DEVELOPMENT of relationship thing

and that is what I think some men suck at guageing.

They try to jump in too soon....

fella the water isn't even on a simmer yet....

you can't get cooking til its hot.

Personally I like to wait til full boil...
and that always takes patience.

Makes me think of a Jeanie Bryson song.

In other news I was invited to go up to Buffalo to see gentleman friend there this past weekend. But the invite was extended at 11pm on Thursday night . REALLY?? I mean come on... have some respect....
I just find that poor planning, inability to make the plan AHEAD of time
and inability to listen ( I was asked "Do you want to go catch Bills game in Nashville, some folks are going down" to which I said YES I am in. and then I get the comment next conversation "Tell me if you can make it" and I reiterated "I already told you I can make it, go ahead and plan it"
but there was clearly not listening, and justifies it by comments like "know you have a lot going on, not sure you could get away..."

The thing is with ADVANCE notice I can ask for off work on the weekend job I only work one weekend a month.

I had figured I would get a kennel for that Oct weekend. OH those conversations were about a month ago.

But I know no plans made, nor will be, and there was not any actual listening to my "YES" that was ignored


plans already possibly WERE made but it was only asked with expectation I would say NO....


I am not going to overanalyze other than when a man can't actually make a plan ahead of time that is reasonable he just truly is not that interested. Doesn't matter what kind of things he wants to say- actions matter more.

He is just not that into me and I have known this for some time.

No exciting romance to be spoken of...

CE la vie...

The travel I DO have to make priority is I need to get to Florida to see my parents. My Dad called three weeks ago to let me know Mom had just been in the hospital where her colan was removed as she went in for a check up and her lymphoma was back. He told me after the fact because it happened so quickly. She was then in a rehab place and in good news back home a week or two ago. (Time flys so quickly).

Bad news is I got FIRED from my job!
Last week was what I call "vacation week" as they did cut me a check for vacation time not taken.

I would have taken off for Florida likely this past weekend, but with losing the job I needed to take care of some things and figure out the finances - however I will be going there soon enough.
The firing was nonsense.
I won't even write much about it here, which is likely a shame as for some reason I have a blog policy of NOT talking about work!

That alone tells me something is wrong. I should not have a job which is disconnected to my life- I mean I dont think people should define themselves soley by work, but wouldn't it be nice to have your work truly be aligned with values and gifts and who you are at core?

We can't all do that
Because we have obligations to others.

But when can't write about work

or choose not to
I ask "WHY?"

and fundamentally it is because there is this core problem that I think if my work fully knows who I AM they will not accept me

Which I have found to actually be validated by my being fired, which correlated with me self advocating as one identifying with ADHD. Once they KNEW I had a disability they viewed me differently than did prior to knowledge of such.

This is not new.
It happened before.

I am familiar with the trumped up BS performance reviews where soft skills are attacked , because the actual metrics of work done which show amount, quality and time completed are all demonstrating competence and positive performance but someone is UNCOMFORTABLE with having a professional with known disabilities.

Oh but it is OK if they are invisible....
its ok if you don't speak of them.

SO I wonder, WHY Have I been PROTECTIVE in my writing and careful to not disclose where I work?

Is it to protect MY identity?
Or others comfort zones?

Whom am I protecting from truly knowing me?
And WHY?

Why have I done that HERE in this space I carved out for freedom of unencumbered expression?

As a disabled professional who is truly proud of my success, as a JD that as a single mother left her abuser with SIX CHILDREN in tow, and went on to navigate a safe space for all six of them and worked hard to learn new skills , working for not one but two fortune 100 companies at a salary of $90,000 at the peak (so far) while contending with severe PTSD , ADHD, idiopathic hypersomnia,and bipolar disorder

AND with children with multiple disabilities- POTS, EDS, Depression, Mast Cell Activation Syndrome,

Well I am pretty DAMN PROUD of the success I have had both personally and professionally.

I KNOW I did a good job in my last role. I know some were better than me at SOME things (like SQL!) , but I also know I was better than some peers at other things ( like research- I understood how to find info better than some)!

I also know that when we had team meetings I had natural leadership ability and my peers told me what they really thought. I then tactfully raised issues for us to discuss with management. They avoided conversations to problem solve the issues but then my reviews had the issues raised about how I had communication problems!
As if by being the messenger of EVERYONE'S concerns I was this trouble maker causing problems!

It's just BS.
Of course the fact there is a contractor who was on boarded to full time concurrent with my firing who I am sure is being paid far less than I was is a factor I am sure not insignificant. My job will be posted in Plano Texas where salaries are lower. I am POSITIVE I was just being paid too much for the role they had me in. I think I was hired with intent to be moved into management and they were both indicating such and mentoring me for such but then I raised some issues to execs they preferred not be mentioned and that plan changed. (Interesting thing going on: the word "disabled" has quietly been removed from EEOC or Office of Women and Inclusion regulatory language that some federally regulated agencies need to comply with and I swear my inquiry as to why that change was made was the start of the end of my employment.

But life goes on.

I intentionally took last week as a week at home to try to get work done at home. I got a call from a recruiter but frankly wasn't ready to start a sincere job hunt. (It was also a middle man- but now I know what company has a need for contract manger. I will apply direct). Cleaning my closet was no small task I started. (More to do there! I have to get rid of clothes!) I went to Home Depot and figured out what I needed to paint my front porch. I then tackled the pruning of my formerly unruly bushes ( cause they were growing over the porch railings) . The next day I cleaned the porch and gave it a coat of paint.
Proud I got that done! (Its a little porch- just some steps and one small chair could fit on it.)

I have the back deck to tackle next. Rained today and I had some paperwork to take care of so that will be the job for next week (amended that statement as it did say "next few days" but those passed so here fixing typos and figure will keep my expectation honest! It did rain the past couple days but truth be told I was just TIRED and needed a couple days rest as well!).

I have had four teens in my home most of the summer. Two defected from Dad's home over the past few years and have been living with me full time. (They just go out with him for coffee, or dinner occasionally and both have better relationships with him due to that change.) One daughter home from college who choose to stay at my house and see Dad weekends. The youngest would go back and forth week to week however there was a summer camp program in town she was going to so it made more sense for her to stay with me those weeks.

So with all my teens and their lives and their issues, two about to go off to college, my household really does have alot going on.

It was nice to just be home this week to help with it all.
After the house is in order I will then re-vamp resume and job hunt.

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