Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2019-09-23 - 11:45 a.m.

I had this realization that the #1 factor in why I took the last full time job I took ,

[ which led from contract review to working on a software development project and then operations work requiring much growth improving project management and learning basic data analytics, use of basic sql code running maros and writing basic code (I AM HORRID at that and won't pretend to have learned THAT skill. More like I learned enough to do a basic task in the given moment. NO SKILL NO retention. Its like any language you learn, some can learn to read or listen and interpret but can't write or speak with capability. ), and financial account ( Also HORRIBLE at that- but hey those two tasks were not the ones I did MOST)]


To go to work near the drop off point for a summer program run by the Jack Kent Cook foundation which my then middle school child had gotten into .


I was looking at jobs near the furthest west bus stop for my kids to go here that summer:

YUP That was the motivation.

I was perfectly content working close to home, not maximizing my potential, but instead providing service at a deli counter in my neighborhood.

It was refreshing to actually meet your neighbors and feel connected to the community.

It was wonderful knowing who had teens, especially the athletes who I surmise just eat more lunch meat than the average kids, and know who loved cappicola and who had to get that black pepper turkey each week.

My kid really wanted to go to that HS. She in fact made the short list of kids under consideration. Still not sure if she got in or not because her DAD contacted them and made it clear he did not consent to her going there. He could not see her taking bus for hours every day to go to school.

I was batting for her, as she filled out the application herself. She had been an A student and had her heart set on it.
She was engaged and motivated that summer for the program she went to between 7th and 8th grade.

Her discontent and disengagement from school began when her Dad said she could not go.

And her heart was broken
Her dream shattered and her motivtation shot.

Depression set in.

Its been a hard road for this child. Not one that bounces back easily from a setback. There is an inflexibility, a lack of compassion and forgiveness, and a tendency to see the bad and have a hard time overcoming it.

So I am thrilled that after some rough years, with last year the culmination being the then discovered heart ailment of POTS ( of course had it all along I am sure!), the energy and motivation was at an all time low. Result was not able to function, literally sleeping all the time, completely disengaged and when up escapism only interaction . Or rather HEALING
I don't see the turning to music and avoidant of responsibility devoid of escapism, but I think that is essentially the smallest part of that behavior.
Truly I think this child needed to HEAL

NEEDED That space to JUST BE.

We all need to take that time sometime or we forget who we are.

It was the awakening moment when self directed and having a goal and working toward it, but then having it thwarted, which really was formative.

It was important.

I was very proud of this young middle school student being able to differentiate sense of self from that which others want of them.

The self discovery, self awareness and self expression has continued and I could not be more proud!

So now, the new year began and the #1 change in success in getting to school this year, after ending on homebound last year,

is that I am home to drive this child with POTS to school.

Its what is needed just now.

I am just happy to be here to help. It was actually kinda funny today as band instrument was left home and I got a call from said kid. Now I have not ever given kids cell phones. Their dad provided some, and when "punished" he has this habit of taking away the privilege.

I had a strong AVERSION to cell phones. I mean anyone who has ever been stalked will understand.
They are no longer a source of anxiety -- NO that ended years ago as healing happened in time for me.
I just then continued to chose to just get a trac phone for when need it like job hunting and then minimally use it only when I travel. I still use the old fashioned land line. It works. But today the funny moment was when I said "Sure I will bring the instrument to school", and then I did so but realized that in all the years of high school this kid NEVER had a parent drop something off at school. Both parents were at offices no where near so if forgot something, out of luck! So I said to the hall monitor " Is there a way to find her schedule and see where she is now to let her know this is here?" The monitor said that she figured my kid would know to look there... I told her "I am not so sure" The monitor said "Can you text her?" I said "No, no phone" The hall monitor pointed about bell about to ring with the rush of kids in hall , and then she was going to relieved by another hall monitor and said then she would have the new one check and relay a message" I said "Thank you" figuring it may or may not happen. I just hope my ADHD kid noticed the way things work. They assume a senior in high school would have a clue where the table is with stuff parents dropped off... but I know she likely HAS NO CLUE as never had to be aware of that before!

In the past, perhaps once or twice a year I would miss the convenience of a cell phone! ( I know my kids would argue they missed me not having a functional one much more than that!) I

It was thrice this week I would have likes my crappy phone to have worked as we are now so dependent on them for communication!

I made plans by TEXT, via a new texting application on a new phone but I didn't have a data plan on it so it doesn't work outside the home! So the heart specialist dr. appointment for kid is hours long, (YES Average 3.5 hrs) . We had an appointment Friday was a whopping SIX hours long that day.

I had been invited to coffee, said YES to meet at 6pm. The Dr. appointment was at 1pm.

This was the first (potential) date in a long time

but I had to blow off the handsome neighbor , the crush... and he is not a marine, got it wrong, he is Army reserve. Mission was the Afghanistan UN Peacekeeping mission, which I respect)

So there I was in the Dr. office at 5:45 knowing I was going to stiff the guy at 6pm . I found the number and borrowed the Dr. office land line and called the coffee shop and asked the clerk to take a message and deliver it to the guy if she could identify him a 6pm looking around by himself. I described him as a handsome white haired man, so hope that was a good enough description.

No matter

When got home , after taking child for dinner after the marathon heart clinic appointment full of test that are routine for POTS (every 6 mos for her thankfully as she is finally doing well!! One tweak of medication.... added potassium....), I took the dog for a walk and then texted the guy my apology letting him know I called and tried to leave message at coffee shop. It was 9pm.

NO ANSWER TO THE TEXT ! Not surprising! Likely a man with good judgment! Avoid those who do not respect your time and do not communicate well.

I also said, probably stupidly "Sorry the 1pm appointment ran late, not done til 7pm!" Which ... well... unless have a heart ailment for which there are not many specialists so folks travel all over the country to see, well... just sounds like a lie. It was interesting there were folks in that waiting room seeing the doctor from Minnesota that day. People travel from all over to see this specialist.

But back to the main point.

That desire of my kid to go to TJ and their commitment to want to take the bus for hours and promise to get up early was what motivated me to find the job that was in the town where the bus stop was.

I thought of this as am trying to find motivation of what job I should seek now.

I think job in which I can drive this kid to school every day is it.

Every kid needs different things at different times. That seems to be the need right now.

I am just proud that they are getting to school daily. With POTS it truly is no small accomplishment.

Third instance wishing we were a bit connected in the modern world is having realized when driving one kid to college that she does not have a functional cell phone. Yup has phone, voice and text capability shut off at some point. I am fine with that as don't really NEED A PHONE as if an emergency can track the kids down. But it would have been nice to be in touch with her! She uses google voice to call so we connect when she wants. ALSO fine with that, but I went to the college for a performance and because she also texts only when on a wi fi network, when there I had no way of getting a message to her! I was NOT going to be THAT MOM That shows up at the dorm unannounced! HELL NO!!! So I tried to send a message ( no wi fi, the application did not work!) I am just getting used to the new phone I got and learning the limitations! LOL That's OK I did get to see the lovely performance and observe her. I expected to catch up with them AFTER - but the venue was large and I didn't see them come out! They left back door behind stage! Then I drove to college and actually came upon the returning bus with three lingering students in the performance... but she was not there. And I didn't speak with them... CE la vie..

This child doesn't communicate all that well as told her I was coming to see the show weeks ago. I asked if there was a comp tix for me. No answer. So I bought one. When she finally responded to text last night after I was home, she said "You bought a ticket? What a waste you should have asked if they had one for me" I reminded her I sent a few messages. Whatever I think she didn't WANT me to come necessarily. It was still worth it. And I am still proud of her, and told her so saying "It is not a waste. My great joy is seeing any of my kids perform." I should have added at whatever it Is they love.. not necessarily art performance, baseball etc.... being a science geek at some competition, Cyber Patriot is one for example... I told her she did wonderfully, which she did!

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!