2019-11-05 - 1:36 p.m.
"How are you doing?
And its a choice
So its a choice.
You don't have to put up with it.
I see that and think
I would kick her out.
He won't put up with it."
I think of that as a viable possibility
Also observed by my best friend
"I think you both thought that when Katie moved out it would be better."
(True as Katie was and continues to be the most toxic of all the children. I try to communicate by text something simple like "Your pharmacy called this #, your scipt is ready for pick up" and get the most bizarre barrage of angry abusive texts back. They are astounding. Shocking, even to me as when not even interacting somehow she can take offense and her amalgda takes any interaction whatsover as attack and she response in aggressive mode. Its really truly bizarre).
I basically agree and just point out that its demoralizing that after years of trying to set up
I point out BOTH those two children of mine were on abilify and doing well.
Why do doctors NOT want to diagnose and treat just because kids? Does them and families a disservice.
I also pointed out the key is having CONSEQUENCES
But its hard to use a consequence of either a reward or punishment without means to provide either a reward or without having anything to take away from a kid.
We have basic necessities in home.
And its not that bad.
I have a teen who curses"FUCK YOU Leave me alone!" then slams door and goes to room.
(Mild compared to what her Dad used to do.)
Sadly its all relative what one can put up with .
one more year then this teen too aspires to be off to college.
I just hope to help the best I can to model normal interaction, set boundaries and when can consequences for inappropriate behavior.
I do what I can. I shut off the router at night to enforce good sleep hygiene. For a week (basically because for two days I just kinda was up late and FORGOT to do it.. then agreed to LET teen try to self regulate with it on and see if any difference) WE TRIED leaving it on . My observation TEEN WAS UP LATER. Denied by teen...
So back to enforcing that house rule at 10pm. To behavior trying to push that rule and have it eliminated. The fighting is exhausting.
So tonight back on track... and hope not a drama. Off school today. Only four days to try to realign .
Its annoying as last year it was the OTHER child fighting this rule. But it is really the ONE house rule I have other than don't curse at me and be respectful
Due to POTS I really don't even push them to help with housework.
So when I cleaned bedroom of teen and there was a freak out episode after it was just sad.
I had to as it had been too long.
I DO Let the laundry pile up in hopes the teen will do their own laundry, as the other sibling does. One of the two that are with me does her own, and keeps her room clean. The other lets the mess get huge before it hits the point where I give a few warnings to get it done or I will do it.
I wonder what the dorm room of the one who was low energy , struggling with POTS but is now off in college looks like.
She lucked out, as Katie's first classes were at 2pm! PERFECT for a kid with POTS! She can sleep her natural sleep schedule. I think the one thing she has found challenging is chorus rehearsal as she commented the choir director is an idiot who doesn't understand POTS. I responded, Why? and she said "He doesn't understand sometimes I just cant be there because I can't function". I told her that she doesn't have an accommodation, and it is reasonable for attendance to affect grades and for him to have expectation of all students to be at practice but that if it is too hard then she needs to go to the disability advocacy office and seek and accommodation and talk to him about what might be worked out to make up time missed on days if she is not well. But it is not being an idiot if you haven't set up an accommodation for him to have same expectations at the onset.
Had similar conversation with Raitlin who is now a Senior in HS. Raitlin was furious that was given lunch detention (whatever that means) after four tardys. I was kinda thrilled to hear it was only four tardys so far. I think that is fantastic- doing really well so far! For a kid with POTS that is rather phenomenal actually as getting up early is just HARD. It actually HURTS when getting ot of bed so these kids need to learn how to push through the actual pain, hope they don't faint , and hope they can function and try best to get moving. POTS kids often have MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome)- which Railtin has, and/or EDS which three of siblings definately have, and there is tremendous pain of joints, headaches, sometimes stomach distress. The stomach issues impact being able to even eat. I thought for years Katie could be anorexic, but it was legit pain as her digestive system just plain does not work correctly. Digestion should be automatic , but with messed up autonomic nervous system which is what POTS is... well for some it just doesn't WORK right.
Problem is that both Raitlin and Katie are really NEGATIVE. I try to encourage them both to be patient, and not take it personally when there are rules to provide structure in school. I try to teach respect for rules with understanding and compassion when for legit health reasons can't meet those expectations. I try to distinguish between legit physical and then psychological kinds psyching oneself out . I was good at making that distinction in my oldest when she was young! She would do that and I could nudge her to push through. A couple of the next kids likewise. They couldn't BS and pretend to not be well when really just didn't WANT to do something. Yet at same time I could identify when really not well.
But for these two teens, the one freshman in college and now senior in High School I think while BOTH have more challenging physical issues with POTS, both dont have as strongly developed character the other kids had. Both are emotionally stunted and like little kids, still trying to manipulate at times. Both are emotionally immature. Both have trust issues. Both have anger issues.
Both were more consistently and intensely abused and subject to abuse frankly.
So I think both have greater needs.
Both seem to be on the autism spectrum to a degree, diagnosed only with ADHD, and both show clear symptoms of depression, mood disorder and anxiety or OCD like symptoms. One has acknowledge having been suicidal (other writes poems of the darkness), and both have body focused repetitive behaviors. ( I forget the acronym BFBD? but for anyone dealing with such TLC Foundation is a great resource. For one of my teens it is chronic skin picking, and for another nail biting which when young included toe nails, but for some it is tricotillimania, pulling of hair out which thank goodness none of my kids have as I think that would be even harder to manage).
So I can only do the best I can.
At least yesterday when I was driving the one teen somewhere she asked to go, after she cursed at me in the car ( "Why are you taking the scenic route!....") I just turned around and headed back home and said not taking her as she was being abusive to me rather than grateful. She got in the car and commented "Why did you change the balance ?" as she adjusted the radio. I said "Because it is my car and I chose to. Why did YOU presume you could change the station without asking? "....)
It was five minutes of calling out that she is not the center of the universe and needs to respect me and boundary of this being my car she is a guest in.
So that was one consequence , that just came right back home.
I told her to try again today. She didn't ask. I am not offering.
So I clearly need to keep doing my best and just be better at calling out EVERY MOMENT of abuse to make it clear it is not acceptable.
It is really exhausting.
My friend also asked "Would you consider moving? Just send them to Dad and move? You could you know"
I honestly do consider the possibility
"No won't do that as Alexy is still only 15. Three more years. I owe her that opportunity to spend time with me and have the opportunity of a place that is NORMAL and full of respect."
Heck, she is not an abuser. Never has been and was spared I think being abused.
Maybe there is hope one child will emerge unscathed from the sins of her parents!!
I like to think I can hold only this space and create the opportunity of a place of peace for at least one child. The others sabotaged the opportunity at every turn, as I told my friend , because it is almost like they are so conditioned to have drama. If one doesn't create it, another would do so. They are so conditioned to be around abusive communication and actions. If no one else is acting such one steps up to create condition. Its the anger addiciton, the dopamine rush, the adrenaline high...
DAMN... I just hope they all learn to be at peace. We have a home without alcohol or drugs, but I swear they have resisted the endorphines of exercise and then turn to drama. If they keep up that pattern I think they are indeed vulnerable.
At least the oldest two are doing well.
Oldest, Katerina, seeks care and while it is not easy I am so proud of positive choices, learning to take time for self, and do what brings joy balancing time alone to rest and recharge and able to function in the demands of the world which require much energy. SO PROUD as has worked hard and overcome obstacles and is such a beautiful light in this world now a creative artist mentoring others.
The second, Soren , is working exceptionally hard in so many ways and keeping focused on honing craft and keeping at it. He is ,I suppose, almost famous. Yeah, I think fair enough to use that word now (although not super famous but will be recognized by some). I can google his name and see a dozen image pop up along with interviews, podcasts and articles, PR pieces and reviews of the show on. He is on TV. I get to go find a way to watch each week which is fun. (Unemployed so still don't have cable TV and yes this is a cable TV show). My local bar is a nice spot with many TVs and I was happy to watch the show EVEN when there was a very important sports game on every other TV at the time! Owners were supportive! Would have been a local watch party when this show came out, but well... there was a NATS game that night.
Sadie, the first diagnosed with POTS is also doing well. I am proud of her dedication to health and wellness and self care. Doing what needs to do to be balanced and healthy and happy as well. Sadie had a terrific first year at college and is in her second year. She had good summer jobs the past few summers and is happy to be in love with a wonderful guy who understand and accepts her, including her limitations due to illness, with a good group of friend as well.
So that is the update of the rest of the kids.
The youngest is thankfully healthy and engaged in school unlike the others. As a band member it is really nice that I get encouraged to be a band mom. I love the enthusiasm and involvement which honestly all through the years I have not experienced in our schools. Since I am not working I have been devoting more time to volunteering and helping out and really enjoy that. It was nice one Sat when there were too many of us for an event to suggest and have a half dozen moms say "YES" to going to our local Dunkin Donuts to just visit and take some mom time. Most moms never get time for self. So they were eager and I enjoyed actually meeting some of the other moms.
I enjoyed listening to them talk about their kids, and some their spouses. It was a nice thing to sit in listen mode. Relaxing for me.
So today I went and voted. And now will continue with what feels like a hobby: Job hunting
Its the thing I do often.