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2020-04-18 - 10:32 a.m.

I did it. Ordered the gift of The Ethical Slut: Journey to Infinite Sexual Possibilities as A birthday gift to be sent to Unavailable Lover, with the note "Wishing you infinite possibilities of joy".

I was inspired by shopping for my son's birthday in an hours long quest to try to support independent booksellers in seeking The Power Of Now, the classic self help motivator, along with the request of some novels for reading while my storyteller son is in lockdown. He is with his girlfriend and her mom so I figured send a few random novels.

I read an article in which writer Joan Didion, who I acknowledge I know of but never read, listed the ten most influential books she read. One was Joyce Carol Oates' early novel Wonderland. For some reason (brilliant marketing?) four early novels are sold as if a series. Not sure if really a series or just fantastic marketing to compel one to buy all four which I fell for. Having in my head picked THE influential novel, I somehow was fixed in obsession to find that and The Power of Now at one seller. But of course, then the question unanswered, as they market the set of books as Wonderland, did the unknown expert I was relying on me the O N E book of that title, or the marketed group of them of the same title?

So I had to find all four...

I was on independent book stores in three states, trying to support them...

Support if you can 'yall.

I tried, I really tried. But after hours of obsession and a store I finally found all I wanted (Brooklyn local owned), I admit I caved in that ethical determination as

It was darn near 1AM , a night before work and just had to get it done.
First there were shipping costs shown But then at end of the ordering process I got a message to call or email store as shipping costs to be determined. The number for that disappeared.

My wallet was downstairs ..
I was planning on using pay pal...vut if had to open email and get walket and email payment info..

Too much work
And I was f%^$3÷ SLOW navigating this all on phone...
I had no more patience for that.

TARGET to the rescue! Honestly, I actually found all the books I wanted quickly and my formerly $75 initial estimate was around $50 for NEW books.

So I realized in shock (not really but it figures) this man I fell madly for , Unavailable Lover, has the same birthday as my son.

I dont know what it is about me having people cluster in my world with the same or close to same birthdays. But this has happened before (until I learned enough damn Scorpios already!)

So Aries....makes perfect sense to me now....

I decided, why not send him a birthday gift too? My former lover relegated to friend zone. He deserved opportunity to be loved and authentic and figure his shit out, so hey that's how I can be loving - at a distance.

Besides, I want to borrow this book to read when he is done with it. Truth be told it interests me less than I think it will him as the idea of just being honest and aligned in values one purports and ones sexual choices in relationship isnt a new one to me! (Seems a novel idea however to the cheaters of the world who are not monogamous but PRETEND to be! To me its so fucking simple...literally!)

This book was recommended by Real Would Be Lover But For Covid.

So unromantic sounding....
Not doing good here with reference to this man in my life. First called him "Available Lover" but that is not accurate. "Would be Lover" is apt.

Not really ready to write about him or his amazing roomate. Yet my bestie in Buffalo enjoyed heaing me speak of these two friends of mine, Would Be Lover But For Covid and his roommate. June introduced me to them (like almost all the friends in my world here in Va frankly! No surprise there as she is the social butterfly). My bestie is utterly amused as when I speak of them she teases me that she thinks it is the lady I am into and jokes about my girl crush.

(Are ALL Lesbians convinced it is just a matter of time before that possiblity manifests for most women, if open to such possiblity?)

In any case the hardest thing about writing a journal is censoring of self to protect others. NECESSARY constraint!

Speaking of June, she is well. That is what matters in her ever transiant life.

My family are all well enough.

So, back to the books.

I am a slow reader. Last summer I purged my house of 1/2 ,if not more, of the books in it. I only kept GOOD literature, All Poetry, handful of best of Spirituality, Religion, Self Help, Biographies (my fav really). I boxed up science and philosohy. I LOVED studying philosophy but for kicks to relax I will never be incline to pull out Wittgenstein on a Fri. night...and
Some things best left unread.

The last thing I NEED is books. I still have plenty here to work through. Some worth re-reading. Yet I went on E-bay (Hey independence sellers list there, right? I aspire to be the ethical shopper.), and ordered the same books ordered for my son for my household. I figured it might be fun if we end up both reading even one to have a conversation about. Better yet if any teens want to do same.

So I was excited when my first Ebay package arrived just days later. I opened it to find two Joyce Carol Oates novels of the so called Wonderland series. Still absolutley unclear if each is a free standing novel, or if the share characters or stories that intertwine at all, I am reluctant to read out of the published order.
Regardless, i picked one up.
Jacket says National Book Award 1968

That's all I glimpsed.
Title is very odd. EXPENSIVE PEOPLE

It seens like an awful dissonant juxtaposition that I find uncomfortable. Dissonant in the sense thst you don't, i want to say can't use the descriptor "expensive " in regard yo people. Doing so just assaults my sensibilities, while at the same time give me a very vivid association with...well...
Think Middleburg, VA....(I know some lovely people actually there but will never forget our realtor takumg us out and explaining "You don't want to LIVE in Middleburg. " Heck in thst context I could imagine her having said "There are Expensive People that live in Middleburg" and somehow I would get exactly what she meant!

I lived the bubble and hob nobbed with such, so I do get it...
and opened the book to read

"I was a child murderer."

Really??? THIS is the birthday gift I just sent my son???

A story of a dysfunctional child growing up I imagine amongst expensive people?


I must redeem myself.


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