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2020-05-27 - 8:19 p.m.

Would love to meet just one compatible individual with whom all things align for mutual interest for whom

Sex is a point on a relationship


The point of a relationship is sex.

I just really feel in my gut the only romantic interests in my world really have no trouble loving self
But they are looking for a relationship as a means to the end of finding a good sexual partner.

Seriously, my gut is telling me their looking for the wrong thing,
have priorities backwards.

You dont look for great sex hoping to find a great relationship....
I don't think that is a formula to find both.

I think you look for the relationship and then develop the great sex as a manifestation of it. An expression of the shared love.

I just get this sense I am someone's interest in a pretty backward if maybe I could be a great sexual partner so best to show some attention once in a while to keep me around....

The bullshit back pocket option that makes the self centered person feel better about self.

I am not getting the vibe of genuine interest.

Oh the irony! I have a lover I can see whenever I choose and there is real interest, a real developed relationship but the irony is:
1. MEH sex....but that is just fine! It is what it is and its ENOUGH. Not dissatisfied in time we spend together, a couple times a year if that. Would be nice if more feasible.
2. Will never become a serious relationship. As that lover will not travel will not change life in least to grow and do anything different ( which is Ok as happy where at...for the past 15 yrs! Swear no changes in this person's life!) Yet
3. We actually have a well developed, mutually satisfying, non commited, non monogomous, non confusing shared, comfortable understanding.

The thing is its FINE for us to talk only when so moved , once or twice a month.When we talk we rrally talk with hours long in depth substantive conversations ( like 2- 3 hr conversations are average , and 5 hrs not that unusual for us on a weekend evening. )

BUT if one LIVES in my area and makes no effort to connect

Well then
Just not that into me. So it's annoying to me to get random texts.
JUST Pick up the phone and call!
Make some effort which is not last minute like an after thought.

Or only when your lonely because your girlfriend is not allowing you to come over ( like unavailable neighbor does. He wanted to go for a walk one day recently and that coincided with his girlfriend not feeling well and her asking him to NOT stop by).

Yes I enjoyed the walk. We wore masks and kept distance walking parallel.

But the thing is, he sent all these videos of some artist he loved and texted all about the music. Then as walking he asks me "Have you ever heard of..."

So signs of either
SENILITY setting in. Or
Player! Did you forget who you had that text conversation so emotionally sharing how meaningful this music was to you?

Or am I just in judgement not apprechiating the emotionally sluttiness of his utterance as he said when walking "I was telling my men's Bible discussion group about this artist Keith Green? Have you ever heard of him?"

I was stunned!
I didn't think in the moment to blurt out "You emotional slut!"
So your deep, personal sharing of something very important to you was likely informed by

Girlfriend unavailable
Some wine drinking
And your need for intimacy. So
I WAS USED to give you a deep sense of emotional connection and allowing self to vulnerability open up and share..
But you do that Often
Whenever you can. So much so that

You FORGOT about our conversation
Forgot you said you wanted to burn me a CD...
So it was not PERSONAL

Its not that we really are such intimate friends
You forget the whole conversation.
So I mistook that as shared intimacy when it meant nothing to you.

Players do that sometimes....
Forget conversations (as have so many seemingly intimate companions they lose track of whom shared "special" moments)

When they do it's a sign you are OBJECTIFIED as the Thing someone is using to meet Their needs.

Hell. Alexa or Siri would likely have done as well for him, perhaps better.

Heck. I should just call Unavailable Lover "The Slut" from now on. Not my lover. I hold fast to the NO!

Of course had I a current lover I might be much more tolerant of such failings of his...

Whatever. He did see his girlfriend over the weekend. Clock re-set. Not that it matters ..but with COVID I think in terms of risk and thinking if he ever goes 15 days without going there maybe, just maybe taking out the canoe to one of the many remote spots I know could eventually happen, or a hike.
Nervous about others going to spots but I know some remote off the beaten path.

Yes I am venting, yet do enjoy The Slut's company.

This is not to say some CANNOT have meaningful deep connections with more than one or even MANY people. SOME do! BUT they are always truly fully present in each encounter. They are truly connecting with actual caring about the other person.

THOSE are the people who I think many love to be around as they truly understand how to selflessly love others. The magnetism of such never comes from an inward focus but from them looking outward seeking to reach out and connect and offer some grace of a gift to others in some manner.

It seems an innate quality, such grace that I feel like some just have, others admire, but one cannot really will to be in oneself. It feels like a gift.

Done venting. I worked too hard today...well not really as I don't believe in such a thing. Can't work too hard, rather I worked late tonight. Started writing just as done with work.
Ah almost..
One final report to send and timesheet.

I did take a break to figure out how to access Turbo tax to pull last year's return as my guess was Wrong as to last year's adjusted gross income.
Return was rejected...
Then felt compelled to run numbers through turbo tax and have that software prepare to compare and see if same. YeS they were same ( as taking standard deduction). That was my lunch break...but happy to report I resubmitted taxes with the Ramsey taxslayer for $17 and my fed return was accepted.

Going to read a bit then go to bed nice and early.

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