2020-12-30 - 10:33 a.m.

Can one be a songwriter without being a musician?
I mean just capture magically all the music one hears without the discipline of practice to learn to transcribe, notate to capture and play later, other than only in one's head.

No....

I didn't think so. Unless someone else does the actual WORK for you.

Same thing as writing, the generation of ideas, the imagining, getting lost in the fantasy of the story is for me the easy part.

The discipline to capture those flights of fancy into cohesive form to become a poem or story is a different skill altogether.

It all comes down to discipline.

My son called me to say he sent me a book as a Christmas Gift.

He didn't need to say more. I know it is The Artist's Way.
I know this as his sister asked if I read it, and recently told me of some of the practices.

I know this with such certainty, confirmed only by his saying it is his book that he read and tried to follow some of the guidance and found it life changing.

His saying that sounds like me reading Course of Miracles or Brendan Bechard's High Performance Habits or The Power of Now which I read parts of , as he said he never FINISHED reading the whole thing but he read and implemented enough habit changes for it to have been profoundly impactful.

He is facilitating a screen writing workshop.

I am so proud as he has the idea then FOLLOWS THROUGH.

I had an idea, verbally pitched, of a play writing workshop for the arts org, for kids with disabilities to participate in. The board just was so ambivalent. I did not follow up. I had two folks interested in facilitating. They acted like they were not GOOD ENOUGH when I suggested them. I said I would do it. Again, they acted like I am not good enough for them to sanction it. I went to professional workshops and gathered all the info about teaching kids to write:
Curriculums, tips from other organizations doing this...I have a folder full of resources and contacts to connect further with for ideas and support.

I tabled it due to their lack of interest.

I decided to focus on my own writing instead.

My son did not yet TELL me the name of book en route, nor did it arrive. I am looking forward to it and writing my three pages this morning.

I started off today with appreciation of the moon setting, and sun then rising as I did the chore of bringing trash to the curb, including picking up branches from a shrub pruned to put in a can for pick up.

When my neighbor decorated their house it nade me aware of the overgrown bush encroaching on their walk and porch. So I pruned it that unseasonably warm evening. The trash company will sometimes pick up yard waste in a pile on the ground next to that bagged or canned. Technically the policy is it must be contained. They removed the branches that were in a can, but left the ones in a pile next to it. We then had snow! The pile was buried until this trash pick up! So it felt good to gather those branches and put them in a can for removal after they sat there for the past two weeks, most often part of the snow mound. We had warmer weather and most snow is now melted but for a few snow plough created drifts. I then enjoyed a morning walk with Bellatrix, delighted at my energy and happiness being up at dawn marveling at the beauty of the full moon. .

In other news, I had three calls regarding jobs, from former coworkers now working elsewhere encouraging me to apply.

I didn't yet edit my resume. I updated it, but it requires some serious editing. I intended to do so before yesterday's interview however discovered the recently reopened library was closed on Sunday when I went there! I also discovered it was closed by 8pm when I again realized I hadn't done this after dinner Mon evening. It was on the Mon "To Do", a still undone yet written down task on the list that did get two house projects crossed off on Mon.

Nonetheless, I had a decent interview yesterday. Not great as far as interviews go, but I think effective.

I really want to work for self so I can support those who apprechiate me. Honestly I want to support ones who want to hear my insight and either take it or leave it but do not find me a potential threatening disruptor.

I suppose that means I want to work in spaces where honesty, integrity, treating all with respect devoid of racism, sexism, ageism and abelism are NOT unheard of disruptions of the norm OR If they are such a dramatic change they are welcomed and the space WANTS changemakers.

I am tired of being pushed out because of noticing something that could be improved , and my doing something a bit better be it process wise, or regulatory compliance wise or ethically driven. It doesn't matter what area- I want to be able to do my best and aspire others to do their best without that one leader that has both fear of my vision and clarity shining a light on their weakness, and also power and leadership to then influence how I am perceived by others, motivated out of their fear to be self protectionist. I NEVER intentionally do this but feel like in my career I somehow bump up against someone who has a fear of not looking proficient, capable, smart, effective...whatever...or fear of holding onto influence, who is in a position of holding influence that does not like my leadership. They go from feeling like a team player to what a I see as defensively orchastrating an offense against me.

I know somhow SOMETHING I do leads to lack of trust in me, so the person doesn't feel SAFE obviously. I haven't quite figured out how and when that shift happened in the past where I went from being perceived as a leader, honed and nurtured to be a leader...
to then having the investment in me dropped and parh of getting rid of me undertaken. It has to be something identifiable I look hard enough. There must be a blind spot I am not seeing.

But it feels like not based on quality of work.
Something else... However I don't buy into the HPX Coaching pitch or the Landmark Institite pitch there is only one way to find it and it entails a financial investment! br>Is the challege I am facing related to how I raise the tough issues
, how I speak the truth?/p>

I am not sure but if it is really simply that I see glaring BS and call it out then the lack of ethics is deeply concerning. Not sure as I could have been lied to....and fallen for BS. But if not other's lack of integrity and self protectionism, then is there something I need to yet learn?

One thing I do is have high standards for myself in some respects, but also don't sweat the small stuff. I won't, for example ever sign off attesting to anything I don't know to be true.
That being the case, as a signatory for all representations and certifications for or a contract,
Which have to be compliant with SO MANY requirements-
I CAN say with certitude that EVERY place I have EVER worked where I signed for somthing there has been an observation made by me of a process that either needed shoring up, as had either broken down and needed follow up to improve, or was just not even clear so needed to have further development to ensure quality and reduce risk as something that was risky, or broken in some manner, needed fixing.

The thing "broken" at times was an integrity issue....of item, service provided, or people not being mindful ( potential for self interest and not ethical). The thing is: fix the process with checks and balances and it matters little the SOURCE and REASON for breakdown...it will be fixed.

I just think it sad when some get threatened by improvement. Especially as that kind of defensive behavior erodes trust further of those that remaining in the working space.

Not to mention:

Who wants to be the next Enron??
Raise your hands!!!!

No one?

Then why do you blindly fail to think about every step of your work mindfully?
Why do you put on blinders and then push out anyone pointing out unconfortable truths?

Because you don't understand?

I swear some very capable people are not that smart. Having someone around smarter than you does not make you look bad! It more likely will make you smarter if you are willing to listen and collaborate.

Or is it beacuse you DO understand but are afraid of others getting it, because then you then can't claim ignorance as an excuse?

Done with rant.
Just tired of being pushed out when speak truth to power.
So as I said in my interview, I really want to start my company for two reasons:
Want to be valued, to do work of value that is apprechiated and
I loved working for one particular small business who if they wanted support and it is not a conflict I would like to support again. I would NEVER encroach on a client I met through another company I supported ! I have zero respect for poachers of employees. Or employees who steal a company's clients and start their own business. Do your own networking and rain making building of your own business! I HAVE DISDAIN and am judgemental of that behavior.

The thing is, I know it is a TON of work to network and grow a business ethically. It takes sustained effort doing things like writing, publishing, sharing your knowledge at trainings with constant continuing to learn and grow yourself. It tajes finding the experts support your deficiencies by developing bench stregth for challenges.

I don't respect those who think it OK to cheat and pull the reward of someone else's efforts for their own gain when they were entrusted t be a team player on another's. It is a clear betrayal and I believe in loyalty and honesty.

So that being said I , in my actual interview, was transparent in sharing #2 reason for starting my own business-
Not now, but a year from now after my NDA and non compete expiration ( one year from end of employment when can work with competitor or client prior employer. I need to pull contract and analyze...but think that's it, pretty standard,) If the amaxing CEO of the one incredibly impressive company I supported wanted my support, I would like to support that company again.

I flat out told the guy I interviewed with, "Frankly , I want to ask the CEO to be my mentor".

I just laid the cards on the table:

I am an honest, loyal, employee who commits.

But I ALSO want my own company and promise to not compete, and will not acceot any assignments with conflict of interest under my own consulting business.

I am happy to be a W2 as long as they are OK with me running my own company.

Oh, in other news: Plumber was $140 to install the new faucet. Courtesy of the lead service Home Advisor. Good thing I hired him as he also replaced a leaky valve and was very concerned about the signs of water damage on my ceiling. Pretty sure that ceiling damage is from the once leaking roof I replaced but never got around to fixing.

He pointed out to watch the ceiling for signs of any fresh leaks.
This guy was very conscientious and I really apprechiated that. He was concerned about not just doing the basic install hired for but noticed sign of leak under the sink and fixed that, replacing a valve that was leaking.

I had seen the little bit of signs of water damage but frankly assumed it was from spills or splashes on the top of the sink combined with a weak caulk seal when someone had been careless while doing dishes and allowed water to gather, then leak down the fixture. There was much more water over the past two weeks from the faucet so I didn't really think much of it. But lo and behold after drying everything and running water a bit, the plumber confirmed the valve leak with was subtle, but there and said " You need a new valve".

To use the analogy of a plumber to a contract manager (CM), some CMs think of their job as just finalizing the documents that come down the pipeline, but the way I work is this : If I see a leak or rust in the pipeline I am going to communicate with project management to be sure they are aware of it. I also don't just see to it the leak or rust is fixed but want to get to the source of issue and identify where improvements may be made.

I never am about BLAMING for the rust. But I think there is often someone feeling vulnerable in this process of fixing the plumbing. Analogously,I could distrust the hired plumber and wonder what is his in incentive for pointing out the issues he sees:

Dies he just hope for more work?

And then I can be skeptical about his motives..
And choose to ignore him.

OR I can trust him, and his knowledge and expertise and realize he looked at my home with fresh eyes out of good will and desire to get things to be right and good...

and trust and pay attention myself, listening and learning so I suddenly get it that if I don't want water and mold destroying the integrity of my home I best not ignore there is leak still active making water pool at the low spot in my ceiling.

So I apprechiated the plumber as when I went to put the 2nd later of mud on the ceiling the other day, which I am in process of finally fixing since I am home, there was a bit of crumbling of the prior layer. I thought "Crap, water"

It felt a bit softer...and was dry elsewhere. I could have easily believed I just had not let it dry enough had I not thought more about that spot. It was only a small spot, in the very center where there was a thicker layer of mud than the dry edges. It was softer under that section when I removed the old tape and laters of crumbling ceiling to Re-Do it.

I did show the plumber the other spots upstairs how it indicated roof leak source of initial stains but also the fixture I know problematic.

My tub spout has to be shut off JUST RIGHT. Or I hear a noise...
Which would be water.

Plumber advised not to fix the ceiling yet but to cut in to confirm if fresh leak and from where. I showed him the faucet ( which of course was tight, secure and no mstter how turned THEN would not JUST THEN misalign and make noise indicative of leak). He commented easier to go in from drywall than from the tile side to see if that is the issue.

I am 100% sure that is the issue!

Pain, as it is behind the tiled tub area.

I am going to finish sanding and then today spray some Kilz stain blocker primer and paint over the water marks in by bedroom, bathroom and living room that have been there far too long. There is likely access to other side of bathroom wall upstairs somewhere. The ceiling stains are on the one settled low spot where two sheets of drywall join at a seam.

I will try to be mindful of the faucet being closed right. I think it really is a poor install issue of misalignment so somehow it doesnt close tightly. Another project...Yes adding to the to do to fix properly.

Monday not only did I have a plumber here but also had an electrician come and swap out all the remaining basement electrical outlets. The one had caught on fire a month ago. Well, there were four others that were showing signs of being overheated so its a good thing I had that done. They had charring indicating they started to smolder when overheated at some point. Too many electronics likely pulled too much power from one outlet. Considering how old this house is and the % of actally dangerous compromised outlets in the basement, I definately will call this electrician back to swap out the rest of the house eventually. I worry less about the other spaces and worried more about the basement because we are in the other spaces more so I presume less risk due to being a space observable currently? We also have surge protectors and power strips up here but I had tenants in my basement over the years and they did have lots of stuff plugged in. So thise outlets were heavily used.

I am very grateful the fire alarm worked when the basement outlet caught fire!

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