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2021-02-13 - 9:50 a.m.

I am taking guitar lessons and in praxticing this morn had a breakthrough.

Obvious thing is I have to practice.

Obvious thing to me is my very short attention soan and natural inclination after focus for about 15 minbto be tired and just want to be done .

This us a writing break, really....
I will be disciplined today.

What is perplexing is how I NEVER just give up and call it a day when it's WORK, as in paid work for for someone else.

He it could be as mind numbing as accounting ( heck I ledgered receivables of minuscule mortgage insurance refunds for the mortgage holder, the financisl institute ACTUALLY insured by all you mistakenly so called home "owners" who are renting truly from Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac as examples with a mortgage SERVICED by some middle man such as Quicken loans....)

I pulled data and ran numbers and did all sorts of crazy see it was an awful operations system that didn't MATCH the granular refundcwith the loan. We got some random wire for insanely tiny amounts as someone had anautomated refund system but failed to inclue i. design appatently include a crucial data point field...

Point being, just think about pain of purgatory and it likle voukd not be worse tg han doing that task which took me 12 plus hours some days to straighten out where on the receiving end to allocate the incoming mysterious funds.

Big rant there as then I could even come up with a feasible process improvement to effectively clean up YEARS of not ledgered money just lingering in limbo.
For someone else to at end of the clean up ( after luxh of the mess no longer visible as it eould have been EMBARRASSING for anyone to call attention to this earlier) ...etc

So someone else gets credit for their fantastic project and operations management ( I designed and did much of til they took over)

And I Still kept my nose to grinestone eith work given

Yet it is SUCH a STRUGGLE to be DISCIPLINED and practice 15 to 30 minutes of guitar a day!!

That is messed up.
If I could find the answer to how to motivate I would be a much better guitar player.


Heck I coukd run 5 miles every morn when my day was structured to start out early to give my neighbor a ride to work. I SO MISSED MY NEIGHBOR when that job of his ended and he did not need my ride.

I have not been disciplined with 5 mile daily runs since.

I wish I could crack the code of SELF motivation!

AND perhaps, just perhaps I could help my teen who is still struggling to get school work done for the last two high school classes.

I need to have a chat, encourage them to either kick it up THIS week and do work AND hand it in or drop the classes if not yet able and willing.

Failure can be avoided.
This child serms to be in avoidance phase,
And I know that is part of HEALING phase.

I was encouraged that my support of healing is important in reading some of Dorothy Day's writing in her book Meditations about her work at House of Hospitality. Mine is a small family , and I have teens not women grown, however swap out "poverty " inserting " trauma of family abuse" and the below resonates for me:

She wrote:


And now of course, there is our Hope of Hospitality. Ours, of course, is like a large family and when the women come to us they come for an indefinite stay. Some of them have bern with us for the past four years. We have no rules, any more than the average family has, and we ask no questions. Many of the women have come to us so exhausted by poverty and insecurity that it has taken them months to recover. There are others who will always be the victims of shattered nerves and incapable of holding down any job. Many of them try to help us and participate in the work around the house. Whatever co-operation they give is voluntary."

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