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2021-03-05 - 9:19 a.m.

I just read a bloggers post and it was so very beautiful capturing the moment of a deeply meaningful kiss.

Check out this if you haven't yet seen it:

How do you experience this film?

Although I found this film beautiful it also was oddly a film I had trouble truly connecting with.

It didn't resonate with me as I could not FATHOM kissing a stranger! WHAT???

Just not in my language of how to connect with a stranger as to me YES the kiss is a language of love. Maybe I would be fine with it. I mean I am SURE as an ACTOR if in a ROLE I could have easily taken on the challenge and actually been comfortably in such a film. Sure. To create such BEAUTY but still... there was some discomfort with me at that kiss not being deemed sacred as an expression of an already deepening relationship; but then again just like any connection.. sex.. there is sex for sex sake- I mean for the personal good of that experience ( yes it is healthy, it keeps one well physically and emotionally! SO many benefits) , and a kiss as a sacred connection and then there are different kinds of kisses. YES there is also something to be said in thinking that we CAN deeply connect

Even if for only a moment

Even if with a stranger.

That is an interesting concept.

The interesting thing is I first saw this film when my lover posted it to share on social media.

It made me wonder why my connection with him felt strongest, and I felt really personally LOVED by him when he greeted me with a truly deep kiss that made me tingle all over.

It was a moment in his kitchen that I recall.

Funny .... I just recalled a moment dancing in the kitchen of my Buffalo lover as ALSO one of the deepest moments of connection with him.

Kitchen kisses seem to be my thing...

I can think of more than a few... LOL DID not realize that til now

But YES the kitchen is the nucleus of a home. The safe nurturing place, so no wonder....

JUST an odd realization LOL

It is funny but I am always a bit disappointed when a lover says "Lets go to bed..."

I mean I prefer to stay where are in the moment... get it on right there....

I kinda hate lying down for sex if there are other options. I mean in my life the best sex was never actually when in bed!

But perhaps that is just me.

I had no intention of talking about sex this morn. Funny where the mind goes.

I wanted to talk about KISSING which for me is far more intimate of a connection. To me it is a soul connection.

Sex SHOULD be such a soul connection but so many have separated themselves from their own sexuality and own manifestation of their creative sexual energy and OR encapsulated it so much as part of their SELF , part of their own SELF expression, SELF pleasure, SELF fulfillment that it can feel like an act of being sexully intimate is NOT Actually about connecting and sharing and growing in relationship with another.

NOT the kind of partner I am seeking. NOT the kind of lover, connection I am hoping to find in my life.

At this juncture I know I am prioritizing my home. Prioritizing my children ( who although teens so clearly need me now perhaps even more if not as much as ever).

We all really want that deep relationship that is so loving, so meaningful and so healthy in its symbiosis of shared care for the other.

The thing is the only way to let a relationship evolves to be that is to actually surrender parts of self.

I find for some reason I feel like I am drawn to selfish lovers. Those who want someone to come into THEIR world but are not willing to OPEN their world up. But only once in a while... and then for me that kind of relationship can be just a vacation from life. A wonderful relaxing escape. But the thing is that is not what I am hoping for in the long term. I don't just want the lover I can go escape with every few weeks.

Heck that is great.

And right now , it is all I can really offer frankly as well.

So I should not complain at having had good lovers. And I don't complain when have NONE ( currently !! LOL Heck if I ever make it up to Buffalo again that will change.... LOL)

But the thing is , if not IN LOVE , even the best sex in the world is not as enticing to me as deep prayer, creatively working with someone on an artistic project, perhaps even hiking up a gorgeous mountain with a friend. If the partner were IN LOVE, well then that is very different. But when dating someone not in love with and have the choice to go hike a mountain or see that guy... well the mountain is a really strong attraction....

Without actually deeply LOVING and connecting with the other person, if a relationship is only sex I think it can grow stale pretty quickly frankly. There has to be MORE OF A CONNECTION that just being physically compatible, than just being aligned in values and having the same political opinions.

There has to be actual DESIRE to connect and be in company with the other person.

The lovers who even if a good sexual partner are not communicative; or the lovers who are wonderfully communicative but not good sexual partners. In one capacity or the other there is some BLOCK.
Be it aided and exasperated by alcoholism to prevent authenticity of self and authenticity of emotion being fully experienced and connection with others;

or some other block.


Part of it however is I think I have my own priorities that can not be changed.

For me to have a serious committed relationship it would have to be with one willing to take on the reality of entering my world. I am open to changing my world but they have to at minimum be able to at least first enter mine and understand it to fully get who I AM.

I said no to marriage proposals when I was terrified perhaps. Perhaps it was fear. Fear that the man wasn't really capable of accepting the reality of my world. Or judgement... when the sex was not just knocking my socks off... when the attraction was not inherently there...

when I wasn't feeling those butterflies but just friendship...

OK maybe those were just really good choices not to allow a man enter into a marriage when I was not actually feeling IN LOVE with him. I believe NEED BOTH

YES the inexplicable FEELING.

and then the CHOICE of surrender to trust.
Trust the other and
Rise to the occasion to CARE FOR THE OTHER. Put them first.

I have been seeing a wonderful man for well over a year... but there are so many indicators he was not into me.

It is hard to actually get into someone when it is obvious they are not that into you. When it is obvious they just want a companion to go do the things that feed their soul.

I have been an appendage before. I am not looking for that.

When my lover asked if I had ever been somewhere he had taken me on one of our first dates it was VERY CLEAR he is not that into me.

He FORGOT about it.

When he mentioned doing things to tell me about the THING but he forgot I was there...

it was clear he was not that into me.

I was just accompanying HIM.

I enjoy the friendship and the companionship, and sure i enjoy good sex as much as anyone. But it is not the deep connection I think we both thought we would see and try to nurture.

The trouble is he trys to work on sexuality as the means of connection. I think that is the trouble. He puts so much time and attention into that- I suppose out of insecurity.

Not sure why.
But I think sex is just something I feel like should not take tons of effort and thought and study. Maybe I am just more comfortable, but I feel like while educating self about possibilities in your sexual relationship is great, that the place for that is AFTER a couple has already self explored and figured out all that is new and exciting and frankly has been together long enough that the NEED a bit of a kick up in their sex life. I just don't quite get focusing so much on that in a NEW relationship. I mean if you have to TRY to explore at first-- well, I feel like truly you are not that into each other! REALLY If into each other you don't need to really WORK at sex! It just flows naturally from the connection from the DESIRE, from the moments shared together then it grows off that branch of the core of the relationship.
It just gets really old fast for me when a partner is so focused on sex as the nucleus of shared experiences. Not sure why but it is a literal buzz kill for me. I mean I can go through motions but if the focus isn't really about desire for EACH OTHER but on getting proficient it feels like one is following a manual and trying to just go through motions. I mean it reminds me of the difference between those who try to play music from the notation only and not from the heart. IRONIC as I am trying to learn to meld those two abilities by learning notation... but I guess the main point is if I am in a relationship it is not with someone who needs me as a TOOL for their sexual growth. Shared growth within a shared relationship is one thing. But to feel like someone is really just working on themself and obviously needs another to do that just doesn't really make me feel valued. Being valuable and being valued are not the same things. Being useful equates to being used.

That is called a booty call folks if someone wants a relationship with you just to meet THEIR needs. OK sometimes it is a mutually SHARED need.

I have had some relationships that were Wonderful and that was indeed a part of them. BUT the thing is the FRIENDSHIP always came first

the FALLING IN LOVE always came first.

For me the lover with whom I conscientiously chose to share a sexual relationship without possibility of commitment were all first rooted in BEING IN LOVE with each other ; honestly at some level; ( even if in time it ended with only me being in love or only the guy still only being in love with me) ONE OF US at least was in love at all times! I mean both of us at first.... The sexual relationship was always an expression of that love.

So for the first time I was dating someone FOR MONTHS and getting to know this friend. The friendship really was first....

He was actually very slow to initiate a physical relationship Likely as he was not feeling it... he was not that into me.

Honestly in this case it was one of the few times in my life I think where I WAS feeling attraction, and WAS interested in the physical but the guy moved slower.

In any case after months we were intimate. Awkwardly a bit... .... not necessarily with ease of some relationships. But it was good! That is OK... I mean everyone and every relationshio is different.

And then COVID hit.

So that made our dating the masked distanced outdoors events....

We did connect after COVID tests, and I have had vaccination.

But it just doesn't feel like either of us actually ever fell in love. It didn't happen.< I mean it is HARD to develop chemistry when you can't really spend TIME together connecting. Its hard to connect if you don't make enough effort for shared conversations and communication./p>

So we did the true up. The self reflection and the conversation.

It is interesting to me as I do so enjoy the time I spend with this man. But there is not communication and connection that often and I feel like it is he that is not really that interested in nurturing that. So be it.

The funny thing is I can talk to my Buffalo lover, see him but infrequently, disagree on politics, etc.... and yet it is so wonderfully comfortable being this deep connection even if we don't even talk or see each other in person but infrequently.

Because we KNOW we Love each other!

Simple as that. EVEN IF we both know that we won't be taking the relationship a step further than the long distance sometimes see each other connection. It is a REAL relationship. EVEN IF it is obvious to me that he or I might one day fall in love with someone we COULD have a long term more committed relationship with and then it would change. That is quite OK! We are both quite fine with that. Heck I would be nothing but happy for him if he did find someone he could actually commit to! He has obvious lifelong avoidance of commitment issues. And obvious alcoholism which is a huge part of that in him avoiding intimacy to that extent. If he would address his alcoholism perhaps someday he could commit to someone. Or if someone loved him enough to accept his alcoholism and just be with that. Not for me. I can visit him but I could not watch that and be OK in that space for long. Heck no. I can love him for him where he is at from AFAR but heck no I could NOT and would not ever be able to live with and commit to an alcoholic. I won't put myself through the pain of watching someone unable to control that illness. Yet he has many deep friendships with a number of guys he is always there for. A truly good friend and a good man despite his challenges. He manages his alcoholism and tried to do an intervention with a dear friend of his... heck he tried. He offered to go to AA with the guy, he helped the family and showed up when needed. He always shows up when he is needed so I think in a way he does commit to his friends. He would be there I know if I needed him. Truly a special person.

I can connect with old friends and have that same sense of deep connection even if we don't talk but once a year.

Because we KNOW we Love each other!

I just don't really NEED to socially interact more.

So I am fine with a lover I see every two or three weeks but don't talk to more. But the thing is I WANT THAT PERSON TO LOVE ME as much as I love them.

I realize for me, regular communication is not a necessity.
I love going out and doing things,
but not all the time.

I REST alot.
All my family of course does this.

BUT I do need to be actually loved in the particular.

ME , not just the IDEA of me or the convenience of me or the good sex being the interest in me.

So what it comes down to is after months of dating I think we took the next step of being lovers, but in this case it is perhaps now just obvious neither of us were or are in love, or have been. That is just not something either of us are looking for so makes sense to just STOP and see where the actual FRIENDSHIP goes, if it grows.

Will see...

I am OK with this. I value the time spent but honestly think there is some block at deep attachment the guy has. He was friends with a close friend of mine first but kinda just dropped her as a friend. He is still getting over pain of being hurt. OR I am just not the person for him. I understand and don't judge that. But at the same time will not be surprised if he too drops me as a friend.

The thing is , he was in love with her.

So the lesson here really is- don't let my bestie set me up again with one of those smitten with her she did not fall for him.

That is a recipe for disaster.

I think for me I KNOW this. There is always that shadow of the fact they are not really interested in me. They guy was in love with my best friend! There is always the shadow of the fact that I won't even trust if they later profess love to me. That was a real problem in the past when I dated a mutual that first spend time with her and professed love for her. When that guy flipped attention to me I NEVER TRUSTED he actually loved me. I JUDGED he just wanted to not be lonely and was seeking a companion.

So I should know better. But it wasn't really her setting us up. It might have been the intention on her part but then I DID like the guy!

But I don't go out. I don't meet people often. I am content at home with family and books and writing and trying to be creative when have time. Heck I meet men walking my dog in my neighborhood LOL That is where I venture out... and can say Hi.

I am practicing guitar currently.

OH yeah I forgot today to do what I think will be the routine that works for me! I finally figured it out.

MY BEST HOURS ARE THE EARLY MORNING for learning anything.

I discovered if I wake up and FIRST THING practice guitar then I get it done! Walk the dog then practice.


If I write first I may not get the guitar practice in.

But my favorite days are the ones when I awake just before sunrise and walk the dog during the sunrise to take in the beauty of the sky.

Either a walk or a run, then come home to dig in to SOME WORK.
I am prioritizing my own creative work FIRST and THEN Paid work next.

Home tasks fit in somewhere... Make the couple calls to schedule dr appointments for example. Taking time off to run kids to specialists.


So today I wrote an email to my recent lover whom wants to take a break from that being our interaction.

Maybe he will want to really authentically connect. Maybe he cares about my world.
I have been welcomed ( sort of ) into his, but I don't think been able to share mine due to COVID. As single guy this makes sense as his was a safe place for me to go when we both got tested and both had not gone anywhere however I HAVE TO not allow anyone into my world due to my family needing to be safe!

It is what it is.

So my once in a blue moon visits to him are on hold.

This of course could be as things lighten up he is back into dating...

I was the "settle" during COVID non dating months. Whatever...

I accepted that. I enjoyed his company and when he did welcome me to his world.

Heck we all have needs and good to meet them to the best of our ability!

But YEAH All this as you know

I do cherish those memories of THE KISS.

The deep meaningful kiss when first fallen in love.

I am confident someday that can happen again for me. YET I AM also comfortable and happy if that never happens again. Life is full, and I am happy and content with my family so be it.

That is truly the truth.

I am not wanting for anything.

(Except to get my house clean... still an ongoing desire! LOL NEED GOAL... work in progress!)

So off to get it done! Next step is to see if one of the NOW TWO broken vacuums can be fixed!

YEAH That carpet fresh DID help the teen space in basement! ( Along with airing it out ) But the SHARK Vacuum did include warnings "Do not vacuum dust")

I am pretty sure while I took care of the basement about two weeks ago I also broke what was a relatively new vacuum!

Due for a new one AGAIN. Until then will pull out the trusty shop vac and this weekend plan to attack this house with it!!! Starting today as soon as teens are awake.

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