2021-03-07 - 10:13 a.m.

Darn already after 10 and late for on line church!! Came here to write but had to edit the glaring errors in last entry. Today I will multi task for a few as don't want to forget to write this as I think it kinda cool.

(I don't always re-read and edit for obvious reason that there are many errors and I haven't the time and this is the place to DUMP and move on. Editing is not part of my journaling... lol )

Interesting as topic of meaningful Kiss on my mind and then :

Thu night got drunken text from lonely friend ( former lover who at any point could be a current lover- sort of- will explain further; but we both know that would be a BAD idea despite chemistry always being weirdly "on point") ; He was on his farm/winery begging me to pick up a pizza and come over. He does not drive.
He can order in.

I said no.
He was like a petulant child. Alternatively begging then calling and in his clearly inebriated state saying "you don't love me"
seeking attention

I obviously said NO as avoid interaction when he is in that state but will listen and talk and if can help him regain some perspective.

He is a mess. He knows this.

I knew he would not even remember the NEXT day the whole conversation. He could see the texts. He knows he is comfortable with his vulnerability with me and I am totally comfortable being myself with him... heck a dozen years of friendship will do that.... He knows he can't really embarrass himself with me. I have already seen him at his most vulnerable.

So I figured I would reach out EARLY on FRI as I had to run my Home Depot errands and would offer to THEN pick up a pizza AFTER Done. It was great day as I got called into work which got my butt out the door EARLIER Worked at retirement community, got my Hope Depot shopping done on line while there, it was ready when off, the pizza was hot and ready for pick up and I brought it over to hang with my friend AT 6pm!! That is optimal time. 5 or 6 after he is done working ( OK he won't stop working if no one else there... til later and he drinks as he works...) But while early enough he has not hit a bought of depression and then does something dumb to overindulge.

He doesn't do that ALL The time... but there is a pattern there.

I swear he drinks moderately when in company of others and he gets into trouble when ALONE!!

He actually had Covid. Back in Jan last year when in Asia. His whole winery crew ALSO had it months later.. one of them caught it in their family even though only going to immediate family and work....first the guy had a cold then his whole family and his co-workers at the winery had it... so actually that made it a safe spot for me to visit once in a while to pick up provisions. I mean they all freakin HAD Covid so should be immune to being carriers!

although only once in a while and masked and careful....

and when I saw he hosted that party it made me not want to be there for months again (but I digress).

So I brought a pizza and this is the interesting thing.

As always I got to RELAX while he was buzzing around in his ever manic state of having to get shit done. "I have calls to make.."

So we enjoyed the pizza and visited and he did relax. Then he asks if I want to chill and watch a movie ( Which is GREAT as my kids dominate my TV! Swear hard to get a movie on with consensus that I LIKE. I am out voted.)

So my friend is chatting with his mom, his kid , a couple friends.... buzzing around the kitchen as I am sitting in the living room chilling watching a movie. (Its that kinda friendship. I mean I feel very much at home there and he does his thing...)

So I pick out this move and watch it.
Criteria for me: NOT an action adventure guy flick ( Oh my the stack on top were all those... I mean just not my thing! LOL I mean like Oh I don't even know... foreign to me those... not action hero heard of but those high adrenaline testosterone type flicks.. James Bond flicks were a possible choice for me. The first film watched was an unopened flick I figured my friend had not seen so might want to watch. Random pick... some comedy from UK I forget the name of .Bugging me... worry about awful memory!! Cranberry junction? something similar... three mates from working class town in England growing up and one takes job as insurance agent?? It was good!)

Then I am going to leave... and this is the pattern... when it is time to go my friend THEN gives me attention and compels me to stay. He always convinces me to stay a bit longer... not hard... he has this magnetism he can turn on when he wants LOL or a look he can give me...
and it fucking works. ..

and he was super happy seeing me so relaxed and chill. For real that was genuine. He had circled in and out between calls and at one point comments "You are so happy sitting there. I didn't know you like movies"

Yes I do, but don't often get time to watch them!

So to his compelling me to pick another then I say "OK" .

Having already gone through the guy action flicks on top, I opened a drawer of the cabinet and behind all the old kid games and kid films ( He needs to clean that out. His kids are now 17 and 19 ! Many Wii Games and little kid stuff), I found this unopened Wal Mart special with a "Sundance Film Festival" logo was the key that it might be good. I know his ex wife bought that one, along with the one I just watched!

It was called "Dot the i"

So the movie starts and the initial premise is that a bride to be is celebrating her upcoming marriage with "Hen night" out with her girlfriends. Her last hurrah as a single woman.

The story goes that she is compelled to follow a French tradition of choosing a random stranger from the room to enjoy one last kiss with a stranger as a single woman with the freedom to do so.

The story really stars with that kiss.

The acting, the cinematography the movie was really incredibly well done. I have to say I was so stunned and taken by the scene, just astounded.

I made my friend stop buzzing around to come and see this scene. I had already watched it mesmerized and surprised by the timeliness of it.

I stared the movie over and told him he HAD to come watch this.

He did.

It was poignant as not only did I just write about this very thing- the power of a passionate kiss-

My friend at some point refused to kiss me. It was then that I knew we could not rekindle being lovers.

I mean we were romantically involved years ago. He will try to compel me to be involved still .. but never with a kiss...
not after he felt betrayed. It was then HE knew we could give each other what we both ultimately would like so he refused to kiss me again. Not that he would refuse to be WITH me again, oh no he would... but he is protecting his heart from falling deeply in love and for him it is the kiss which is most intimate. He is protecting his heart.

He will try to be enticing... he knows how to come up to me and try... he knows how to suddenly give attention and I am always both tempted but then annoyed at his not being willing to trust me HELL NO

Not if you won't even kiss me.

We kinda have this banter of that conversation once in a while..

He expresses this interest and I get irritated. It was his own accountability for his own actions he had to take ownership of he is upset at; not me and my truth telling. It is that he had to GROW UP and not be selfish and not continue to lie and be deceptive. That he had to face his own impulsivity and lack of self control ( I am NOT the only woman other than his wife he had slept with and I know that darn well!! I kissed him , fell in love and did NOT know then at first meeting he was married. I was a friend since... and that was fine. I was a friend with them both as our kids were close.)

He was hurt by NO that I wouldn't have a relationship with him other than friends.
He was hurt by the rejection as he really did fall in love with me. But it was also obvious I fell in love with him those many years ago.

One of the better choices I made in life was to head to the mountain with my bestie and go outback camping and cut off that relationship... nip it in the bud and not get romantically entangled YEARS Ago. Then I was able to develop a friendship with THE COUPLE of this husband and wife who had their issues to work out.

I was able to be friends with them both and leave the moment of actually having fell for her husband in the past.

It was not really that hard to be honest as she was so freaking wonderful and I saw so much of ME in her. Heck its remarkable how much our kids are even similar. They were so darn close as little ones. As young adults they ARE STILL remarkably similar in certain respects!

I am glad for both of them that after their divorce the couple has navigated a very functional working co parenting. Much better than my ex frankly who is not very communicative and ignores calls or messages from me.

But at least I can get perspective.... my friend reminds me to reach out to my ex once in a while. It is helpful to me to hear the DAD perspective at times from him.

So in any case,

We leave it at friends... but it was just remarkable that this movie was capturing this intense moment-

so I told him "you have to see this"

and he watched the scene as we did cuddle there and I said "SEE I want a kiss LIKE THAT before I want to be with a man.
YOU won't kiss me anymore
You used to."
and he whispered

"You hurt me"

and it was weirdly just COMFORTABLE

We are remarkably COMFORTABLE in this knowledge that YES we BOTH fell in love with each other at some point

but BOTH could not give each other what we would have liked;

and rejected each other. In a way I felt rejected by the deception of the lack of truth he was married; and failed to reveal that fact. He felt rejected at my ending the affair and then later that when his wife chose to leave she inquired of me about his fidelity. I honestly thought she must have known he was not a faithful spouse. But it was clear over the years she never did catch on to his pattern of improprieties. (I saw and recognized those other lovers in his life when they showed up then left. I recognized the shared look as I was there with this couple and our kids were playing and a woman showed up. I saw it. I never knew his wife was not truly able to see it as she loved him with a love that had blinders on as couldn't, wouldn't, wasn't ready to accept what she was seeing YET.)

HE WAS MARRIED at the time I met him so once that was discovered I would no longer be involved.
and THEN AFTER he was single and divorced I didn't expect him to be there when I showed up at the farm. I honestly was expecting her and the kids... but should have known better after I had a car on the road again and swung by to get some eggs. For months I had been stopping by their stand but picking up provisions and leaving money and not seeing anyone. But his wife had run the egg business! It was HERS. So I presumed she was still there! So one day when he greeted me with A kiss I just didn't say no to-- knowing he was no longer married--

and it was that deep passionate kiss of the shared emotion and attraction and all we never could have-

and was wonderful...

but then I knew I HAD to tell him that the year before I had let his wife know that YES this man was not faithful and YES I had evidence of that with certitude. She had called me, confided in leaving him and needed to know the truth of her suspicion that was finally awakened.

I was actually so proud of her strength to leave him. I was awed by the strength of her love to STAY but when she left proud of her choice to LOVE HERSELF. She needed to be truly loved with respect.

The thing is this guy would never love me with respect. Just like he didn't love his wife with respect. He just has some deep rooted issues and challenges. I too would not put myself in a position of abuse. To marry him would be to set oneself up for abuse.

So I can love my flawed friend from afar and encourage him to be better to himself. To face his demons. To not lie to himself.

I could tell him what I think the way I could NEVER tell my husband. Its a weird thing how that won't trigger him as I am NOT in that kind of relationship with him.

He was so hurt by the truth that when his wife called me I told her the honest truth to her question of if he had cheated on her. I said YES when I met him he acted single.

Got that was YEARS AGO

But here we were , cut back to the present. My friend and I have survived that hurt of each other.

We were watching this scene of The Kiss
and we had this conversation about the love we had the hurt we had with very few but clear words. He knows he hurt me, and I know I hurt him...

as I was not going to obviscate the truth

and he has to face his issues.

Yet we both could forgive each other and maintain this friendship.
Knowing we can't give each other that which we ultimately really want!

Its a funny thing. We somehow know how to love each other where we are at and set a healthy boundary with each other.

He knows I won't choose a committed relationship with him. The alcoholic thing... there are other reasons.

YET WE CAN BE GOOD FRIENDS
and he respects my boundaries.

It was so remarkable to me that I happened to pick THAT Movie not having a clue what it was about.

So we comfortably then watched it ( well I watched it while he relaxed and actually slept!!) , while comfortably just cuddling there, and fooling around a bit... but heck he won't kiss me...

But it was just lovely, and fine as always....and eventually I roused myself from the sleep I had fallen into and disentangled from his arms I got up and left It is an interesting thing that he was sober that night. That is my condition , I only spend time with him in his sobriety! I leave if he is drinking too much and I won't spend time with him when he is drunk but occasionally field the drunken text or call briefly, matter of factly, and then tell him will talk when he is sober. I ignore the text and call when instinct tells me to. I trust my gut on this.

The thing is we are both just OK with the constraints of this friendship, and happy for what our friendship does offer.

But then on top of that Fri night, Saturday I went to work and brought a book to read.

It is called THE NEST

and I sat there and read mention of Rodin's The Kiss.

I had no clue who Rodin was until my recent lover introduced me to him as he posted photos of seeing his exhibit in Paris (over a year ago). It was marvelous for me to discover his work.

So there I sat reading this novel and looking at the Rodin statue on line with careful attention.

YES

That is what I am hoping to experience again

THE KISS

that knowing
with certitude
that both are truly in love.

Whether they want to or not.
It just happened.

What choices are made after are what interfere with that being a perpetual reality of course! Life often means it not possible for a shared love to manifest into a relationship that lasts. Sometimes lovers are so lucky to be able to hold on and continue.

But I am glad I have had such moments, regardless if they were able to last long.
And know in time I will again.

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