2021-03-20/21 - 5:49 a.m.

Morning vent.
This is what morning pages are good for sometimes, right?
According to The Artist's Way a key element of the morning pages is authenticity, the therapeutic purging of all emotional baggage to achieve a cleansing, clearing to allow space for peace which is fertile ground for creativity.

Now I am not sure what provides the fertility-
but let's think about that:
the fertilizer of the shit that is mixed in seems to be a necessary element along with the grounding of space to grow,
some water and sun

Not too much to either drown or scorch

Then you have to make sure no one comes to eat away at your root and bulbs if you want to grow.

I am up an hour earlier than intended ; well actually it was more like two. I tried to go back to sleep after being awoken by an animal in the recycle bin.
I went down to chase away the animal and discovered it was indeed the bulb thief!

I had trouble falling back asleep, but at least it was 5 AM !
Not too bad.

I realized I was hungry so got up and enjoyed breakfast: homemade Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and a really delicious orange

and am enjoying listening to talented Andrew McKnight as I write.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=Rt6MGzd3UaA&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR1DKAXo95Kn7sAfWYY412zwDbqIxKhgtw3RkLg6s2p7N1uBBeXU9AkLY5w

I wanted to write to vent and found the moment started writing I don't really feel the need to vent much anymore.

So its no longer a vent .. .which is nice. Writing ended up being an exercise in relaxing for me that helped me just let go of the frustration, and in a way hurt as well.

Its so challenging have neurodivergent folks, a whole gaggle of them .... as I think of a friend who used that term for my clan once.

Gaggle of girls...
no longer

All Grown for most part, and none identify as a girl interestingly.

Its so funny as when June called we were catching up and I have let her know many times of the preferred pronouns of my clan.
We have a couple "they/them" "he" and I think one "She"

Although not sure about the she.
Non binary is the main identification

That is a conception that I think wasn't even in consciousness when I was growing up.

I have articulated preferences for a long enough time now...

I mean well over a year.
Its been a couple, actually more than a couple - a few...

for at least one of my now young adults. These are adults now.

So it was interesting that I hit that point of when in talking to June she asked, after I had already been giving an update of my family- and mentioned what kids are up to,
"And how are the girls"?

I responded, honestly confused "What girls"?

I literally was confused as already gave her the update of my kids.

And she reiterated... and I didn't overtly correct but said "Oh you mean MY kids?"
and reiterated what I already said...
and she asked specifically about the disabled teen living with about what they are doing.

And I said . " Nothing. Well, last week they had a couple good days and enjoyed cooking"

It was just interesting to me as I see other parents venting on some of the forums of parents learning how to deal with their trans kids that the parents get REALLY defensive and protective and feel so personally offended when others do not respect their kid's choices of identity.
I have never felt like that...

until that moment of annoyance at the friend who was told LONG AGO
and who seems to actually at this point be resistant.

I didn't expect it from her I think.

I think that was why I was irritated. I found it just that: Annoying. I felt really annoyed, and yes perhaps actually a bit angered by it.

I understand resistance.
Having a trans person in one's family can be really disconcerting at first.

Its been fascinating to listen to my transphobic friends respond. I mean I sat in a counselors office with my one teen as they were talking to their counselor and I was in the waiting room listening to perhaps the most vehement transphobic rant from my Gentleman friend in Buffalo as we hashed it out.

THANK GOD for white noise machines...so through the wall my kid in their session could not hear me.

He was trying to act like he was open but then wanted to play devils' advocate and it was really just clear he was not very open. I mean the anger in which some people respond when addressing this issue is astounding to me.

He went on a rant about how , if he as a business owner wanted to suddenly identify as a woman , could he?

To which I said "yes If you really want"

It was almost a funny conversation if I had captured the whole thing.. then it was the whole women in sports argument. There are so many strong arguments that the fear of trans women in sports is ridiculous ( I won't even go into them other than to say if you don't find this topic trying and boring and so obviously a dumb one to even argue about it is a hot news topic of late so can now do reading on own.)

but whatever.

At least after he duked it out and heard me out I think he, over time, had been respectful and at least doesn't act at all weird about conversing with me when I talk about my kids. He uses actual preferred names, he isn't acting judgmental in our interactions ever. He let me know his thought honestly and we had honest conversation and back and forth and intelligent argumentation about what our thoughts are.

I so prefer that discourse with honesty than the passive aggressive or refusal to acknowledge and continued pretending that my family is the same as it always was. That gets irritating.

The thing most trying for me however is the DEFENSIVENESS at times of one of my kids in particular.

I think it is getting better as I made it clear that even if someone has a preferred name, If I ON MISTAKE use a formerly identified name.... like the one I named the child I had with,,, and used for MOST of that child's life- that it is not meant to disrespect but just HABIT
and old habits die hard.

It turns out that there is actually a higher incidence of trans persons among the autistic population.

Fascinating fun fact, right?

It is something I have observed as happen to know more than a few either autistic or parents of autistic whom lo and behold as years go by clearly then identify as trans.

So here is a book which is good for parents who are new to this and left with the puzzlement of figuring out how to best support their kids or even other family members:

https://www.amazon.com/Supporting-Transgender-Autistic-Youth-Adults/dp/1785928031?asin=1785928031&revisionId=&format=4&depth=1

And yeah, Many are born that way.

True.

I am still not convinced it is all biology.

I mean , doesn't raising a child (regardless of biological gender?) play in?

I mean if you don't allow any manifestation of femininity, of girlhood, allowed in a girl child's life.....
and raise a girl AS IF a boy...

well doesn't it MAKE SENSE that child would identify as a boy?

I mean ....

misogyny I think can play in, right??

But that is not what I came to write about.
I came to vent that it is frustrating with autistic individuals THE FOOD ISSUES THEY HAVE.

Good Lord, give me patience....
I have a fridge and pantry full of food and complainers right now saying things like "There is nothing I can eat"
and getting irritated when I make dinner for the whole family but it is something THE WHOLE family doesn't like.
I tell them they can find an alternative. I don't expect them to HAVE to eat what I make but it gets frustrating when they ALL decided not to even try a meal I made and act like it is wrong of me to have made a large pot of soup for dinner and muffins...

OR wrong for me to have made fish with sides...
FISH

Give me a break, you can't eat fish.

You DON"T LIKE fish much but that is different than CAN'T EAT IT.

PICKY EATERS are aggrevating to deal with as NO I am not a short order cook.

As a mom I am happy to cook meals but I too have feelings and I am astounded at the selfishness of my children, a couple who are adults.

To be fair the one who has taken to cooking lately has been very reasonable and not complaining.

It occurred to me however, with the increidble pickiness of the youngest, the incredible meltdowns when going to school in kindergarten and first grade....

The tantrums...
the what seemed like fear of separation...
etc,,, etc,,

and other symptoms of the introverted child of the bunch....
I am only now wondering if this child....

Who was ADHD diagnosed early on but doing pretty well so stimulants didn't seem needed NOT hyper, was doing OK

MIGHT ALSO be on that autism spectrum.

I didn't see it before in her.

BUT I realized after bringing her to an allergist, simply as an afterthought because I was taking one of the other siblings and I know she has seasonal allergies and asthma that might was well go get allergy testing and see a specialist....
(We never did that growing up and it wasn't even in my awareness there were such doctors!).... figured it would be a good idea to find out exactly what she was allergic to.

Well, it turns out she is allergic to JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.

No kidding.

Her back swelled up in welts and the Dr. gave a couple different medications then and there on the spot right after the test given.

Three prescriptions walked away with and a recommendation for allergy shots.

This child has been exhausted and clearly depressed so perhaps feeling better might help if it is allergies that have been wiping her out. I think it moreso teen angst, COVID depression, Not being in school etc...
Not being able to control fact of having two parents one does not like. YES teen angst...

Well...
Good thing I brought her in to that Dr!

It was mainly to bring my other child, one with EDS, MCAS and GIRD to see the Dr. to rule out celiac or any other possible allergies before going to a gastroenterologist ( if I have the correct specialist here...) to further test...
can look for bacterial issues....
other things that perhaps can be causing chronic pain of stomach...

but that pain is commonly associated with dysautonomia / MCAS somehow related... I think moreso than the EDS..

So many issues.

So yeah I GET IT that with that combination and chronic stomach pain it is hard to eat.
But still...

I have SO MANY OPTIONS in this house just now that it was ridiculous for me to be yelled at because of an unwillingness to prepare your own food!

The chronic illness thing is a reality.. but no matter how tired you are... to put a pot of water on and throw pasta in is not that much of a lift.

In any case I did made a delicious (I thought!) bean chicken masala soup. After all the complaining, the complainer TRIED it and said "That's not bad"

Right....
'Sheesh...

I do understand the fear of stomach pain is real. I get it if you can't eat excessive spicy, or certain foods.

But the food allergy test showed -- Get this

ONE , only ONE food allergy in this kid.

RICE

Of all things... RICE which frankly has been a staple for this kid.

So that is the one food to actually cut out.

Blood test still needs to be done for Celiac. I have to run this child over to the lab. Follow up schedule for allergy shot for the one and to bring in child #3 to go through the rounds of testing. ( I just couldn't take all three at once... two was enough. Will bring the one for the shot and the third in together!)

So back to the real rant.

"There is NO FOOD In this HOusE! When are you going shopping??"

I inventoried prepared food IN The FRIDGE

Leftover: Sausage and peppers
Chicken Masala soup
White Rice
Mixed Greens ( leftover as no one else would eat them)
Box opened of Tomato Soup ( Pacific brand)

Fresh fruit: Cantaloupe, apples, oranges
EGGS

Freezer with frozen veggies: Broccoli, Green Beans, Mixed veggies , Butter Beans, Black Eyes Peas
Two packages of frozen Chicken Sausages ( those fancy kinds... apple something in one, some other seasoning in the other)
Frozen Beef hamburger patties

In pantry : Ramen, pastas to choose from (for real rigatoni, spagetti.)
rice
canned: chili, clam chowder, black beans
peanuts ( in the shell so those take too much work apparently for the effort)

Bread was finished last night ( one made the last of it for toast)
and out of milk

So YEAH I have to go to the store for BREAD, MILK and a few other things like TOFU.

But I am so sick of them acting like there is no food and they are STARVING.

This rant should resonate with other parents out there I am sure!!

My complainer today enjoyed an orange as I had taken one out and they commented "That orange smells good"

He then said "But I can't eat it , its acidic"
He then said "YES YOU CAN you just ate the cookies so that will balance out the acid. Its all about balance"

He ate it and was fine.
IT IS all about balance!

SIGH...

I asked "Do you EVER look in the vegetable drawer? We always have fruit"

My adult child answered:

"I don't like to touch fruit. I won't touch it as it might be smushy and bad and I can't tell until I touch it. I will only eat it if it is cut up and I know it is good"

OMG

REALLY?'

SHEESH...
YES THIS IS AUTISM.

I have adults at home that will only eat packaged food themselves. They are freaking out because we are out of PREPACKAGED food.

It is the KNOWN entity.

It is a fear of the unknown, the inability to handle a texture, a smell, a hypersensitivity to discomfort.

SO ANNOYING as I have not coddled them
this is not due to being spoiled rotten

It is real , very WEIRD AVERSION that a couple of my children have.

Just frustrating to have to hear the autistic meltdown when one is freaked out at the thought of having to TOUCH and prepare food.

That really was what the complaining was about.

SIGH...

weird yes...
yet I get it...

but I did tell that child to get over that aversion and be responsible and open the darn drawer and LOOK FOR what is in there before going off on me. Be responsible to grab something to eat !! ITs not THAT HARD!!

OK done with long rant.

I suppose time to go to the store.
PS:

3/21 4AM almost 24 hrs later and the dog woke up. I had a GREAT day yesterday getting up early and headed to the mountains, left at 7 to drive the hour and a half to Shenandoah National Park and hike a back country hike along a creek. It ends in a waterfall, but I didn't go that far yesterday. Mainly as was hiking myself following path of a hiking group and just wanted to meet them for a quick hello and thank you (even though didn't hike per se WITH them... taking full advantage of being part of a group , but kinda piggy backing on their hike not really with them but trailing them... but then I wasn't sure they were coming down the same way up so I was sure to head back down the mountain to be at the parking lot by the time they ended. As I went up later might have missed them if went all the way up but their path down was a different one than the one up! I was not familiar with this part of the mountain so was careful not to go too far solo. It was a nice hike. 7 miles total to waterfall and back . I went far less, about a half mile on main road ( as had no idea where the trail head was), then thankfully after some time ( said a rosary, took a nap, read a little in my car as it was chilly in the AM when first walked)... other hikers came and I could then discover the trail head from them! It's access is an easement it seems on someone's property so not easy to find unless you know it is there! I planned to be PERFECTLY on time, left right on time and all was well UNTIL realized half way there the gas guage which showed low and the mileage gauge which showed I could get there with a BIT more gas left ..( I figured the final destination is close to town so after hike would fill up tank.. I had enough to get there and wanted to be on time so didn't stop when I left... WEiRD ANXITEY ACTUALLY ABOUT BEING EVEN 5 MIN LATE

WEIRD never had such anxiety before Like I COULD NOT stop to get gas in town as the GPS had the arrival time at is was showing 8:58 and I just KNEW if I stopped for gas I would not arrive by 9! But I was intent to be ON TIME... not even a minute late...

so was happy the guage showed me I could arrive there and have a couple miles left....to find a gas station.

IT was SO DUMB but almost a compulsive NOT stopping ...even when knew should just to be on time and like my brain felt being late was the WORST THING in the world
The weird freaking anxiety driving that..

I understood how my anxious kid feels if late even a min
OR their DAD
and I it was sad to recognize this LATER
that anxiety moment led to a stupid choice

SO LATER AFTER I PASSED another gas station and was on this mountainous route ( As took back roads... I always avoid tolls ) I then realized as the gas tank then flicked to EMPTY and SUDDENTLY The 30 miles that the gauge showed I had left in my tank went to ----------- meaning that 30 estimate could have been way the fuck off...

SHIT ... If I run out of gas here in the middle of fucking no where I am screwed...

SO I TURNED AROUND and went BACK the ten min to the town with the gas station to fill up my tank. Let go of anxiety of being late....
said SCREW IT
I am late, well that was dumb,

I was late due to a compulsivity to want to be on time that resulted in not being rational in the least.

Anxiety is a weird , weird thing.
And I thought Good thing going to to mountain as I really need this today. Maybe I don't REALLY want to do anything other than hike alone anyway, and this is likely better... wondering :"Was this self sabotage?"

But no... it really wasn't

IT was just BAD PLANNING not thinking to schedule extra time for getting gas. I planned on running errands the day before, including filling the tank which would have been done just NATURALLY then when I saw it empty. And it was just bad planning as it has been a while I DROVE anywhere and was clueless the tank was empty. I didn't think to check or account for that when planning my leaving.

So main point here really being, after hiking solo ( It was freaking awesome) I did the grocery shopping.

House stocked again ( crisis over... we have pringles and pretzels and some cookies among the fruit and nuts etc that were already here. No mistake that the NO FOOD meant NO JUNK FOOD. We also have tofu)

Sheesh... anyway came back at 4AM to add on that the dog awoke which woke me , as was curled at my feet

because she smelled food!

She did not have to go to the bathroom . I went downstairs to see the raging ranting child who went off on me yesterday eating

EGGS and SAUSAGE.

Yeah, the same Italian sausage he told me yesterday "I CAN'T EAT. I don't eat meat. I CAN"T EAT MEAT"

The thing is, these occasional blow ups are not about the small trigger in the moment.

Its the trauma response.
Its the overreaction as there is this very weird need to vent anger and there is no where else to direct all that pent up anger energy.

There is so much built up hurt and anger and it HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE.

I never consider myself a punching bag, but sometimes I feel like soft pillow which is a safe place for it to land as long as it is not actually a punch that REALLY hurts.

Its obviously a need to heal.

I just wish there was another way to help these kids through that healing process.
That is without them throwing punches at me.

I don't mind being the pillow.
Just wish they could see this space,
ME
as a place to come rest and just BE while they heal

And stop feeling the need to throw the punches to let out the rage.

But then, as I say that figuratively, I do realize with gratitude they have come a long way.

Heck they used to be like a pack of boys beating up on each other! Literally! The whole trans thing isn't surprising to me as damn they were as aggressive, and physical as any teen boys I know. For real. They had to learn to NOT be aggressive All the FREAKING time. Hypervigilance was their modus operandi.

This is what abuse DOES to the brain.
It re-wires it.
So I just hope I can be better at planning for my next hike to be on time ( because of good executive functioning planning skills!!!!) And NOT have the fucking weird abuse response after being berated for being a minute late...

so that EVEN IF I make a mistake in planning and have to stop at the gas station and then am
what .. three to five min late if my GPS was accurate ( which it is I would not STRESSS SO MUCH that being on time is more important in a moment than worry about how to LEAVE after the event. YEAH I was in a state of worry so much about being on time I almost chose to take the risk of running out of gas AFTER the event when looking for a place to fill up to go home. As in the saving face of being on time was initially more important than caring if I had a headache of a problem LATER)

THAT Was a fucking anxiety response because of re-wiring of the brain which I need to roll back and undo. It's like my brain got stuck in the FIXED thinking that being on time was the ONLY important thing in that moment. It was so weird!

I am not going to be anxious to the point of irrationality ( Passing those gas stations ! Just nonsensical when actually THINKING of that, rather than being stuck in anxiety mode!!)

�

�