2021-04-24 - 7:34 a.m.

What is so amazing is the power of healing and energy that comes from having the right person show up in life in the right moment.

I was exausted and too tired to make the social call to try to plan for walking this AM. I just didn't have the energy to connect with my friend in the moment.

I love talking to her and the friendship IS uplifting, but because of that choice to leave that space open the remarkable thing happened that I had a conversation with ANOTHER friend and it was truly wonderful.

Instead of call her I went on Facebook with the specific intention of pulling the address of my dear friends (I need to come up with a good name for them- the beautiful married couple, my college friend the retired Marine and his wife , former Air Force , Mother of five kids, avid bike aficando and teacher of bike safety , super fundraisers who I have run the Marine Core Marathon with on the Semper Fi Fund team. So moving forward I waill call them the Power Couple.

YES
They are a force ! Just such a powerful positive energy.

Not the power couple in any sense of the upper class influential rich that care about yielding power for sake of holding it (over others it seems) or holding onto it ( out of some fear it will diminish their lives if they don't yeild it0
but rather in the sense of being a positive force of energizing and motivating others.

OK- so the EMPOWERING COUPLE is better.

The Empowering Couple are so wonderful as parents. I am in awe of how they have been so effective. OK credit where due SHE, the MOM is incredible as a mother. He the Dad has other wonderful strengths and is a strong leader, a incredible husband who loves his wife with such devotion and support that he married her with her kids and stood by in support but got out of the way to let her do her thing with his 100% supporting role. He didn't try to take over.He entered into her world and it was of course changed but moreso he allowed her to change him. And the growth of them both TOGETHER has been so amazing to witness, albeit from afar.

When together she and I have had our heart to heart talks and of course it was not easy for her, or him. Oh no- they had the many challenges of any family. It is the grace with which they faced and addressed them.

A favorite memory was her asking me

"Is this new that he is being an asshole ? Or was he ALWAYS an asshole"" ( in respect to one particular behavior she did not expect and discovered when married).

I said.. "Oh always" YEAH

Everyone has those traits, those moments, that are less than desireable. That was her word choice about one small moment.

So they are my true heros as the work through them and grow together through them and each learn how to be better together.

I knew i did not have it in me to do that with him as she did.

Boy was I right about that. I might have been wrong about some things. For examlple i thought a man like him would be BAD for my kids. Maybe not? Maybe a man like him in my home would have resulted in adults that do dishes.

Scratch the maybe...

The trouble is the man I married who was like him went too far with the discipline and structure and made no growth on the development of self control of anger.

This marine faced his demons.

Oh and trust me any combat vet has many..

PTSD a very real challenge.

Rathen than denial he , years ago, was actually running a support group for other VETS with PTSD.

He went on to continue his higher education and learn more about how to help himself and others through that.

So last night I wanted to go on FB to pull the address of the son/stepson of the Empowering Couple to send a letter of support as he is now at Paris Island.

I sent a sympathy card. It read "solace in knowing others are thinking of you during this difficult time" .

It had beautiful Spring flowers on it- and I wrote some encouraging words for her youngest child as Mom of course has mixed feelings about her son becoming a Marine.

I think it is fantastic as I recall when as a teen, around age 15 he was struggling with the same teenage depression and malaise and feeling the angst of wondering what the whole point of this all being here is. So it is encouraging to me he found HIS purpose, his DRIVE, his motivation to do something with conviction. And excitement and energy.. At one Marine Core Marathon he showed up for the trip with a hat or T-shirt that said something crass and clear meant to leave him alone. ( SEE they were AWESOME parents. He was invited to come, not forced, given respect as a 15 yr old to go do what he wanted to do in DC, and allowed freedom to be himself where he was at- even if it meant choosing something like a FUCK YOU hat of some such thing. I mean I think that might be what it said... something like that...maybe in different words... but same message. So there is hope for the depressed teen that does nothing but play video games...

That former angsty teen is right now busting his ass at Paris Island. I recall when they were so happy and proud and relived that he just got up and got a job one day. It was like the fog he was stuck in for a bit just lifted.

Somehow they were able to love and support and allow space to heal and then help empower him without pushing him away.

Ok going in the Marines is away... but he is not EMOTIONALLY away, they are connected and for him I do not get any sense of this being an escape, or being out of thinking it the only choice for education (as one of mine thinks is a driver by many- to have an education and a career).
I think for him with his parents as I know them it is truly a patriotic heartfelt duty to serve our country in the true sense of commitment to service based on values and belief we need strong military to protect our democracy and feeling called to that service.

I would so love to hear from him why he signed up.

So I went on FB just to pull the address, send it to a few folks I thought might want to send an encouraging card ( former Senator and Vet I know that is a rallier of such things- he perhaps will get some vets to send notes from his retirement community), and I also thought of my friend and former Marine of course Dr. Fauci.

I sent him the address and he immediately sent back a message and expressed a desire to catch up- saying he tried to text but it had not gone through.

My cell phone fritzed out. Finally gave up on REACH mobile. It worked in my area after some challenges with set up but then after a couple months of service the phone no longer would work with their service.

That actually happened the DAY of my new job.

I gave Dr. Fauci my land line, and he called and we had a wonderful conversation for the next hour and forty five minutes (I just checked my phone to see what time he called.)
It was really wonderful to catch up and hear how he is doing and share what is going on in my world.

He is doing very well!

I ran into him once when walking the dog with my friend June but other than the brief hello and him sending a text afterward with a cordial brief chat I have not spoken to him since the final conversation we had when I just blocked him from FB to stay out of his world and separate him from mine for the time being.

He was challenged with his own self control.
He sounds much more grounded in himself, and in his relationship now and I feel like we can nurture the friendship moving forward by talking once in a while, and maybe go for walks once in a while like we did.. without him being in that needy space of feeling hurt and confused and seeking a quick easy balm and hoping I would provide it.

As for me, and our mutual feelings when we do connect-

It is comfortable.
It is good to have that connection and good to care enough about each other to accept and respect healthy boundaries.

And boy do I feel energized and excited to have talked with him. It just made me SO HAPPY.

Truly.
I ended up then going to the computer, to turn it off to go to sleep- at 11:13 pm to see my college friends on the zoom call. So I joined them and we ended up chatting and laughing and just enjoying socializing until at 1AM.

It was funny as I was so exhausted but the talk with Dr. Fauci was this healing balm for my hurt soul.

I was hurting from the lack of consideration of my teens.

I felt much better and it was good to be here, home awake to hearing two of them up at 7AM ( a nocturnal one not yet gone to sleep, still up taking their turn at a video game and the other who woke up at 5:30 AM and was awaiting their turn. My kids coordinate PlayStation use like some households with one bathroom have to coordinate showers.

We had a chat and I reminded the one to go schedule the 2nd vaccination shot. (She said she keeps forgetting... I know .. I keep inquiring if done yet.)

I have a 2nd shot scheduled for the youngest.

The oldest of the not quite adulting who is here is the one hardest to influence motivate. Need to remind him yet again to go schedule the appointment.

Both he and I received emails from Virginia Vaccine management (the one I received was for my youngest) with the WRONG NAME. My oldest did register himself and told me he received an email saying you are ready to schedule an appointment but thought it was spam. I commented- OH! I also received that email , and I just registerd your sister but I also thought it was spam. We do not have a "PETER" in the household and the email that came to me said "Dear PETER"...

So I found the email and went to the Virginia Dept of Heath sight where it instructed to look for an email from , I forget what.. something like VAMS? Virgina vaccine management system?
Indeed the email I evaluated for signs of phishing did look legit other than "PETER" so I clicked the link and was relived it worked!

* REAL TIME UPDATE*

In thinking about this decided to go to the basement where the college dweller lives to give this reminder.
In passing through the living room , I mentioned doing this and pointed out an again urged to schedule..
and that currently actually ADULTING in the moment child said
"I already scheduled it"

WIN!! YEAH

They got the SAME appointment time at the SAME clinic the SAME day as the youngest. That is such good news for me! It is what I was hoping for- EFFICIENCY.

So I went downstairs to share that good news and be sure the basement dweller knows the date and time so they can try to align too ( for their first shot.)

He was awake watching a show on the computer while lying in bed and simply plugged ears with finger to demonstrate not wanting to be interrupted.

So I RECEIVED that message;

THAT is progress in courteous communication.

I will deliver my message at an appropriate time when not interrupting.

This is the ask of my kids- to not interrupt them when in the midst of the important thing of WATCHING A SHOW.

I think it ridiculous but in interest of peace am going with it.

I personally think a quick interruption for something important is essential. But remember these are the ALIENS who took over my home and their world is different and to get along I have to learn and adjust to their ways....

And Its proven near impossible to convince all three of these beings to adjust to my ways. I am simply outnumbered and outbullied when they resort to bullying tactics.

So the putting fingers in ears and not listening to me unwilling to engage in conversation resulted from an interaction this morning which I found hilarious.
For a bit of background: The one basement dweller is downright rude and nasty to me ALL THE TIME when I enter the living room and speak to him. I get the most obnoxious, unacceptable "LEAVE ME ALONE" but with abusive language, attacks of me and it is just absolutely awful and unacceptable. I mean I get cursed at by this alien. Now I say that is of course unacceptable but the choices I have are to continue to try to teach and train these emotionally stunted beings, or look at biological age and kick them out as they are LEGAL adults. These beings are not ready or capable of being on own so I am working on the teaching training part. The problem I think is they can respond to militaristic drill surgeon out of fear but haven't yet developed SELF REGULATION and SELF MOTIVATION Skills. So they need to heal first of all the self esteem from the PTSD of growling up in a war zone and then the positive aspect being a military general as their leader ( on the good days in the good way with structure and disciple) but on the bad day their enemy sniper adept at hiding in plain sight but suddenly ambushing with unexpected outbursts of violent attacks.

So when there are moments of them resorting to acting in the way THEY Grew up with I forgive, try to use what behavioral intervention I have been trained in the past-
try...
they really balk at positive reinforcers and see it as manipulation. (I tried the method of BRIBE, PAYMENT to do school work and that was a fail. EVEN MONEY could not motivate one to do work).

In any case OVERALL there has been so much progress, but this recent backslide on the part of the college student.

So this morning when I came downstairs the other young adult alien was saying to the sibling "I am not interested. I don't want to hear about it. Can you stop talking?"
in a manner FAR MORE POLITE and courteous than the basement dweller of late has been delivering the same message to me with the addition of colorful abusive language and personal attacks of me. [ He loves to misuse concepts and sling them. My favorite is him calling me abelist as he has "Misophonia", as if that excuses abusive responses. NO IT DOES NOT and it is NOT abelist to expect even something with such condition to accept that it is there personal responsibility to act to mitigate symptoms and that cursing at others at any noise is not an acceptable way of handling your condition.]

So the response of the basement dweller was HURT and INDIGATION and defensively arguing with his autistic brother ( the one diagnosed but it is obvious BOTH are actually very so called "high functioning" autistic yet challenged with executive functioning AND social skills to a challenging degree I believe which is why avoidant of going into the world frankly, in addition to chronic illness of POTS.)

An argument ensued and I was just entertained as the bystander watching the very emotional response of the one often abusive being hurt, finding it rude that his sibling could not just politely listen and not interrupt EVEN if not interested for just a FEW moments with consideration.

When the argument was over, I quietly said to basement dweller "Can you identify how that feels and recognize that when you communicate to others the same way you didn't just like they feel THE SAME WAY?"

I quietly said "There are ways to communicate without being aggressive"

My other young adult, the autistic one had put fingers in ears to block the noise which is frankly a very effective non verbal cue to lay off and chill out you are irritating me! I did same and it was very effective and worked in getting the message across to the older child who retreated and calmed down and leaf after that.

So when I went into the basement and got that response it was both funny AND encouraging frankly. If that were done every time he wanted to be left alone in a moment rather than the abusive snapping and yelling and then escalating every time I enter the space and try to engage in conversation with him, that would be a HUGE improvement.

So ce la vie...

I think I will show the oldest how to use the bus to get to the Mall where the vaccination clinic is.

YES It just occurred to me that is a very viable option for him.
I needn't worry about coordination in driving them there. I can tell of how he can get there on his own.
That is a good opportunity for personal growth. My young not quite adulting being can learn the ways of this world just a bit. Learning how to be independent and get around is a good start; Since he has no interest in learning to drive this is a pretty essential life skill. City kids learn it young. Country kids are somewhat stunted in development I think (in many ways! Not a BAD thing... just a slower learning curve. Frankly I prefer it for small children for SOME things).

In other news I scheduled an appointment for the youngest to go to DMV and get a drivers learners permit.

So although slow growth... it is happening here.

There is hope that once all are vaccinated; perhaps for one of them , their "fog" will lift and they will awake one morning rested and with some clarity of vision of something they have energy and excitement to do.

That day will come.

YES I believe that day will come.

I was thinking what to name this entry. I thought , yes that day will come-- step by step they will get there.

But no, that is not it. They are not in an active state but a passive state of inactivity, of inaction, and indecision and of just BEING which is what is NECESSARY To just sometimes allow healing to happen. Active healing requires passive rest.

So yes, they will get there.

Just by waiting and healing if that is what they need in this moment.

They will get there. Growth still happens even when in a seemingly passive state.

Day by Day

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