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2021-05-17 - 8:47 p.m.

I gave up working tonight. No further emails ( THANK GOD)
I know the one person I am sending feedback to clocks out at 5pm sharp ( she is that kind of person. Very structured, very good at her job and works her schedule. I know this as she dropped of a call at 5pm sharp one time whereas her boss stayed on the call.)

I kinda felt badly that apparently when I rejected some redlines she made the associated comments got lost. I KNOW I never reject without a comment. So not sure how the heck that happened- but there we were on a call today and lo and behold language I put back in ( as rejected its removal) was there but no associated comment.


Just perplexing to me that occurred.

This has been a particularly messy negotiation frankly.

But tomorrow is another day.

I did get some things done I needed to make progress on. Even if it was just filing... and organizing data.

That still is work that has to be done. I save it for days like this when NOT on my A game.

The "busy work" that is essential.

I came here to write about joint pain just a bit more. So years ago I stocked up on supplements.

I just took some of these today and threw out the empty bottle.

It might not do anything. To top it off Harvard, in 2016 STOPPED a study on its effects on women with joint pain as they were seeing INCREASED in pain when taking this!

EEK!! I did take it today.
My joint pain now is considerably BETTER Than this AM! I took two pills this AM.

So I just took another few and am going to see if I have pain tonight.

IF NOT I will presume it helps, but if there in any increase in joint pain tonight, after taking the supplement it in fact might have been one of the reasons today I was having pain I don't typically have when sitting.

I haven't taken it in a while!

I have to rule out its affect by tracking ....

Its such a pain to track and see effects of either food or medication or

I still have a brand new unopened package. Honestly it is sealed, it is a power form, no air- so from all I read I am less concerned about expiration dates.

I bought it years ago when had that use or lose money in a flex spend healthcare acct. And I didn't use the supplement much. Once in a while would have a spurt of thinking about it and using it. If I was hiking or running alot I think I knew I was putting more pressure on joints and then took it mindful of my genetics and the inevitable arthritis! Mindful of my mom's worry when she saw the bunions forming on my feet, often signs of arthritis.
At one point I thought of the corrective surgery but figured they were not hurting much at the time so opted not to worry about that. ( Total random aside, I had a lover once tell me " I like your feet. They are cute, they are so small" Which I frankly thought was one of the most awful compliments one could ever give a woman frankly. I mean , maybe it is just a weird response in me- but I thought of how I happen to have UGLY feet with bunions!! I thought how that was NOT typically attractive... and then I also thought of the binding of women's feet in Asia and just how mysoginistic the comment seemed to me... of course it was not likely any indication of such mysogony! I mean YES the dude has been conditioned, yes he has been brainwashed regarding standards of beauty- that was perhaps obvious to me ( for a variety of reasons), but is that unconscious bias, prejudice really akin to being absolutely mysogonistic? I am not sure, but nonetheless my brain went there and I swear I thought how this guy also is the same guy who would tell me how he was delighted to have been offered a "happy ending" at a massage parlor and frankly the one comment ( and his confessions of actually appreciating the extra from a massage once), just made me JUDGE him. I know that is AWFUL; I am the woman men bare their souls to thinking I am so accepting and non judgmental when truth be told I am AWFUL As I DO JUDGE THEM.. , at any hint of misognistic tendencies- I RUN THE OTHER WAY. Maybe not awful? Maybe a truly good assessment of a red flag and a good defense instinct?

Seriously , I found the small feet comment disturbing. And just did a quick google of sexualizing Asian Women ( which binding of feet was ALL ABOUT).

But really, I found the comment a turn off mostly as I knew the guy didn't really SEE my feet. He didn't really pay ATTENTION to them.
I am sure of that.
Just like he wasn't really attentive to me much at all. I felt really objectified by him. But then again.. that was my doing of accepting a sexual liaison with a guy I dated when neither of us were really that into each other... but I ramble. I am talking about my COVID lover that I really should give more credit to as I enjoyed his company. The sex was MEH but OK. I had a few better than MEH moments.
It just part of life I suppose that its not an easy thing to enjoy fantastic mind blowing sex when not really in love and attached to a person and for me that is not something one can REPLICATE or WILL to happen. It either is a gift that happens in one's life, or not. I am not convinced it is a gift all people receive either- like faith! Some have such gifts, others dabble and would like to know such but never quite have such experiences.

Another aside.. I think time heals wounds... and it healed my initial judgement in time,,, ( the unspoken judgement)...of my Buffalo guy who I was having trouble being into after knowledge of his dozens of times cheating on the then so called monogamous girlfriend he was with for 12 yrs, upon any mention of commitment on her part, before he finally ended it self aware he didn't want to marry.
Poor girl.

Its a funny thing, this love thing.

I feel over my annoyance at his commitment phobia. That he can't even PLAN a damn thing with commitment. His friends complain to him about this. I get it..
I also get his issues...
he is.. well...
here I am going to do it again... my kids laugh at this and hate when I do it..
but I swear he too is on the spectrum. He just never know WHAT OBLIGATIONS will be coming up.. and if he will be able to "get away".
(And I know also the concern , even if unspoken like my judgement , that must be there even if unconsciously... "how long can I handle being away from home and my companion of the bottle of Scotch?"

Boy rambling again...

but just to say, now that COVID is lifted. I don't need a local(ish) Covid lover who is equally not into me as I was not really into him. Despite it being MEH I DO appreciate having had someone to spend time with when in the tiny social bubble. I DO appreciate the weekends he invited me over and then got bored of me and had enough so sent me home early ( by a day) after our MEH sex,,, as ,, OH MY ... I wanted to TALK and disturbed his quite enjoyment of peace being along.. ( or possibility of him nurturing other leads for new lovers to try on post Covid).

I get it...
I was a temporary thing.
I DO like the guy- the little he showed me of himself. I just feel like he was very guarded. He is the kind of guy that only posts pictures ad nauseum of his dog . Great. That is great- but never of the friends he was with.

Player wanna be... if not a player.

I mean the real players just post pictures with a new lady every few weeks, unabashedly , unashamed, without pretense of being different than they are. I SO RESPECT THAT. It is the fear of being unabashedly yourself ALL THE TIME that bugs the crap out of me. YEs I judge....once again... I am judgmental.

The thing is, when I have had lovers in the past who are not into me and vice versa, I am STILL USED To a level of actual ATTACHMENT. I am used to a desire to maintain a FRIENDSHIP... at least until one is in love and HAS To pull back. I am used to them making me feel SPECIAL.

He just did not do that well at all. NOT at all romantic! I mean you don't have to have commitment to be romantic! And I definitely like romance. Hell I have more romance with my guy friend at the winery even when NOT sleeping with him. Its the little things-- the little PERSONAL expressions of concern. The little delights when noticing me being really happy at something in particular. THAT is romance. The SEEING someone specifically with attention. The asking particular questions after having paid attention to what is going on in your friend or lovers world with actual concern. The ATTENTIVENESS to the person because you CARE ABOUT the person, not just because you are concerned about what the person can do for you or bring into your world.

So it is disappointing that I think this lover was just fine disengaging and can drop friends (like he did drop June cold turkey which was hurtful to her- I met him through her); and apparently can drop lovers too.

Disposable people.

Its just so odd to me.
The lovers I don't want a relationship more than just a lover Tend to last YEARS for me.

I mean I am still FRIENDS with most ...
with the only exception when one of us fell in love and felt the ache of wanting more.

So it is odd to me that he just doesn't seem attached at all.

Then again I have not tried to call him of late either.
When I feel like hearing some live music and want company at some point I will reach out. But frankly its OK if he drops my friendship.. but I will reach out also to invite him to things as I think of him.

But I guess the weird thing is I feel I was just USED by him, I have a dear, close friend that it turns out he was an acquaintance of... and that close friends' BESTIE is a lady this guy has/had a crush on and wanted to ask out.

The FIRST DATE I went on with this guy in fact was at an event my dear friend was organizing. We were there and the date wanted to go over and talk to my friend and the lady there ( bestie of my friend). I honestly didn;t want to bug my friend as 1. Chatted with him recently via text...we do catch up , he is a dear friend but not a bestie- but acquaintance and we chat sometimes. and 2. HE was being bombarded but SO MANY folks , I will call them "groupies", and I just didn't want to enter the groupie fray.

Now it was interesting as I was not going to say no to this invite to a date to go to an event I in the community that so many times I went to ALONE after begging my kids to go with me and them not being interested, because my friend that runs this event is actually IMPORTANT to me.

I did think it was such a WEIRD FIRST DATE.. I mean such an ODD Choice and seemingly so RANDOM,

but what I didn't pick up on at the time is I was being used.

I mean I am SO SURE OF THIS IN HINDSIGHT. He wanted to be able to see this particular woman again whom he knew was going to be there!
I figured this out much much later.

He just didn't want to go alone. And he was playing a dating tactic of wanting a date there to try to make himself seem more desirable- based on the weird psychology...

I mean this guy did lots of things just to seem attractive to women. Like he read books and articles and went through motions like an actor. I mean I guess that is what it felt like to me. That the more I got to know him the things about him I found genuinely of interest seemed to be-- well , not genuine.

I am still blown away by our mutual friend making a comment SO OPPOSITE of what he was looking for in a woman than what he told ME. It was obvious he told me what he THOUGHT I wanted to hear. What I want to hear from any person is honesty.

Maybe again I am being too judgmental.. of one trying on things to figure yourself out. Heck midlife crises are allowable right? ITs OK to not know yourself and figure it out late in life I suppose...
But what sucks is I feel like I was USED as he THOUGHT I might be a portal to some social circle he wanted to enter into.
I am a homebody!

It also kinda struck me weird he and his roommates fascination with the WEALTHY crowd of Middleburg. WTF... the whole crowd I try to AVOID. I mean... I should not diss that town but I laugh at some of the losers so full of themselves that love to brag in trying to pick up women there. I have heard the WORST lines from that crowd. I find them so superficial , self indulgent and narcissistic that I want to AVOID wealthy folks that like to flaunt their wealth. Either the ones with dwindling old money who's families USED to be wealthy so they are still trying to make a show of it, or the new money that are so caught up in the newness that they display their wealth like a prize of honor they must show off.

I kind of love my oldest applied for a writer residency IN BUFFALO! YEAH That is more MY Style...
give me the steel towns, the rust belt working class art, the gritty real experiences with and from those not out of touch with most of the world.

I hope my oldest gets selected for that residency!

Speaking of Buffalo, and rust belt cities. My oldest lives in an East Coast City now that I really want to visit.

Soon enough.. Soon enought the last hold out to be vaccinated in my house will be vaccinated. Another month at least...
First shot is one day next week. Then three weeks after that.

So my Buffalo gentleman friend was downright ROMANTIC talking about how the five year anniversary of us meeting is coming up!

IT was such fun to figure out the exact date.
Such fun to think about getting together to celebrate that!
We joke it will be like our tenth date perhaps? Something like that... I never figured it out.
But something to look forward to! I am super excited about the thought of seeing him again. We saw each other masked twice during COVID, both times in VA as he was passing through. Once for a walk in a park and once for a kickin good meal in my backyard and a walk around my neighborhood Lucky nice weather both days he was in town.

He didn't get vaccinated yet last I talked to him a couple weeks ago. Hopefully he has moved on it and gets it done soon!

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