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2021-05-26 - 10:11 p.m.

To circle back and complete the thought I was writing of when my dog needed a walk:

There is a paradox of time really being this invented construct; and the fact because of the buy in of the majority there is a system of using time that then creates meaning and makes it a very real thing that has a life of its own. It becomes real as it is infused with meaning, and importance and made a priority.

Just as easily we can choose priorities and they could become the social norm. They can then create the reality we envision and collectively buy in , for it to be.

Think about how powerful that could be.

Think of how change doesn't always happen slowly but sometimes by an idea spreading like wildfire- be it good or bad.

And how sometimes even the best ideas don't take off and have little effect as they don't catch the wind and spread.

That wasn't the main thing I wanted to write about. I wanted to write how this Business Coach, who had little awareness of the past trauma of my sense of being on time, and being framed as incapable, incompetent, not fit to be a parent etc.. questioning of my capability of working at a job- all because my kids were neurotypical [we know now are AUTISTIC 2 out of the 4, possibly 3 out of the 4 frankly- but super bright so called high functioning so the school could not fathom such thing as autistic meltdowns in trying to get these 4 kids out the door each would tantrum and cry and fight me not wanting to go to school my youngest, the one not diagnosed but I am starting to think may have autism too! ; this Coach who had NO IDEA of this past trauma of being ARRESTED when the kids were late ( the divorce tactic of my ex... to try to win custody by framing me as an incompetent parent)....

Well, This life coach did NOT know of that history.
But picked up on the theme of being on time as a trigger for me in a sense. The coach asked me some questions, one of which was about napping at work to be refreshed. The question was, "how long do you nap"? I said I used to just find a quiet spot and close my eyes and rest, falling asleep for about 15 or 20 minutes at lunch time.
She asked "how did you wake'".

I said "feeling refreshed"

The question was repeated, "But how did you WAKE UP? Did you set an alarm? How did you nap for just that period and not too long?"

The answer was , "No, I never set an alarm. I just would think I am going to rest for 15 minutes, and I would then just wake up in about 15 minutes. I never worried about that. I don't use an alarm clock. I go to bed and think about what time I want to get up. I guess I set the intention in my mind, and then I wake up at that time."

I told her I never really used an alarm clock. I couldn't say WHY , I just wasn't in the habit of it. Never got in the habit of it, but always kind of woke up right when I had to be up.

(Scrambling to be on time for school in high school truth be told! I sometimes ran late and my Dad would drive me to a later bus stop on my route to intercept the bus and hop on it. )
I am just thinking of that now. I didn't mention my past in the discussion with her.
But she honed in on the fact I said I thought perhaps the concept of time was not only foreign to me, but my brain didn't really think about it so when I tried to it was very stressful and created a lot of anxiety. I told her at some point I think I was being avoidant of the stress and anxiety associated with HAVING to be on time. So it was easier to not care about being on time.
I said I think I avoided commitments for the same reason. Not wanting to let someone down of have them disappointed.

(Though I don't do that much, or haven't much, But I can identify times where I HAVE done this. Like joining a meet up for hikers or a running group but never signing up for events- just lurking then showing up for the same PLAN but LATER in the day so don't have the STRESS of having to be there at 7AM sharp!)

I said it is like I am so fully present in each moment I am IN that I have no awareness of what is behind or before- just the now, without regard for what is in future.

What happens however, which happened this week- is I get so in flow with what I am doing, I don't REALIZE what was scheduled and miss things.

I don't conciously KNOW what day it is soetimes and have to think abotu it. It seems to take great effort.
So I do things like:

This week I MISSED a board meeting on Mon night. Now it was one I was LOOKING FORWARD TO.

What is ironic is the whole premise of why I wanted the Business Coach was I wanted coaching to be more effective ON THAT PARTICULAR BOARD IN THE ROLE IN...
rather than losing my enthusiasm for that work due to the current leadership not appreciating me.

I KNOW they don't appreciated me much, but it doesn't matter. (Or so I thought. But then it occurred to me that ACTUALLY maybe the leadership is ALSO on the autism spectrum?? HMMM... they have kids diagnosed... but maybe the social skills are not great so while I heard the "FUCK HER, FUCK Them both!" because the President did not like my IDEA of honoring a particular volunteer who was a founder of the org... well... they all thought.. I don't know.. .whatever their issues were.. MAYBE the person wasn't really PERSONALIZING their frustration at me as they don't like ME but was just taking an opportunity to VENT. MAYBE I need to get over that moment...

I have been trying... and my grievance with that person was they were not able to just do business without getting emotionally vested when someone had a different view. Different views are often NOT personal.... don't take it personally when someone disagrees with you! It is NOT a personal attack, just a different perspective! )

I don't really care if they don't like me much. I am there because I really am passionate about the mission of that group

to create opportunity for disabled to nurture themselves and discover their hidden talent to experience JOY in life!

YES a live of JOY in creating!

That is the whole mission of that group I am in!

So the Business Coach was focusing on my role and what I want to bring to that group and really helped me more clearly identify the vision I see with clarity and take steps toward gaining respect and influence so I CAN be effective in leadership. I need to get the persons who seem to have made a judgement they don't like me to RESPECT my professional experience and not dismiss the ideas I bring. I need to not care if an idea is not implemented ( I don't care actually. If I bring a good idea and they don't want to do it, I CAN DO IT. IF REALLY PASSIONATE ABOUT IT,.. OR SOMEONE ELSE CAN... or collaborate... or perhaps it is not meant to be done! I am happy to do that. Its not hard really. If they shoot something down then I can pursue it myself... but they are a really great organization and I would prefer to work with them!)

Why? because I DO like them. I do like the people. I always liked the lady I Was shocked to hear curse me out. (She did not apparently know I was awaiting a ride in earshot that day.)

But the main thing I was going to focus on is
So Monday night I was just SO HAPPY but somehow NEVER checked my calendar right on the friday where I DID WRITE DOWN the board meeting.
I just plain forgot it was that day.

Now that is after weeks of working with this Life Coach on my role on that board in particular. Weeks of soliciting and getting two proposals for the board to consider for new programming ideas.

I was EXCITED about both those potential programs for our clientele. This is after concerted marketing effort with energy in a Give Choose campaign where I doubled what was raised last year.

It was a funny thing as I started working with this Life Coach in particular focusing on my leadership and volunteer work and within one month I suddenly became the Marketing Director for a Professional Org. I am on that board committee,

And in that same month I was asked to be a worship leader in my role at Chuch as a Deacon.
That was super fun and fulfilling. I so LOVED leading the congregation in prayer. I realize now it is because I was asked to lead for our Pentecost service by Pastor as he knows how dedicated I am to volunteering in the community-
but my prayer was that each of us embrace the gifts we are bestowed with , uniquely given without fear in the knowledge that it is through GRACE, not my works... and NO not my FAITH ( which some seem to say) but by sheer Grace and gift of God. It might sound funny or naïve or quirky and out there to some, but that is the whole kernel of what makes one a Christian. That belief in Christ having been redeemed so we are all cleansed of our impurity, regardless of whatever we have done or did not do-
we are loved and welcomed and BLESSE D

and yes even given unique gifts so that while here we can, as the Catholic catechism I grew up with says, learn to know God and love him and serve...

by service of others. but being good stewards of the earth-
by seeing God in all things.. those around us, the imperfect and human.

So it was remarkable, as my business life coach has been helping me to strengthen my leadership, I realize now that since making that an intention I have been asked to lead and embraced those roles more than I envisioned six weeks ago.

I didn't get down on myself at missing the meeting. I figure I did so much work to lead up to it that I set the board up with option for them to choose from and be successful. I didn't need to be there I think! They could run with the options...
I don't need to be the arbiter of a decision. It doesn't even have to go my way but I just want to be respected and considered and the ideas heard.

So this is the remarkable part:
In the session the coach then commented

"So, when you wake after a nap, and do so in the morning. How is that? Why?"

"I set the intention"

So "YOU DO have a gift of knowing time then."

The coach basically asked "What is different about those moments and the rest of the day when you have no awareness of time?"

I am not thinking about it.

Powerful yet simple.

Set the intention. CONCIENTIOUSLY choose to think about how long I will work on a task. Set the intention of stopping at a point, taking break, and set the intention of being consientious about the amount of time it takes and the time I will choose to work or devote to any task.

Basically, CHOOSE to pay attention to time rather than avoid it.

The life coach pointed out I am actually VERY good with time, if I choose to be so, when I choose to be so. ( not in those words... more like the coach asks questions and prods til one sees the issue with clarity and then themself come up with an actionable plan and a measure of success.)

Basically a Life Coach is a Project Manager for your life.

Similar to drafting a statement of work in any contract:

Overview- focused GOAL
Plan for Getting it done
Chunk it into smaller parts - lead to
End Goal
What tools are needed and who is providing or paying for them? ( OH I have seen that part forgotten at times! WHO IS RENTING THE FORK LIFT?? WHAT??? This is for telecom? WHAT FORKLIFT???.. YEAH but there is some big ass computer that needs to be cooled so there is an expensive *2$*#@& big fan you forgot to price... or equipment needing assembly and the space in the POP is at a height of 40 feet in a rack as that is where your rented space is.. so you need a freakin fork lift... I JUST kinda made that up from a sketchy memory of a real contract years ago where they forgot that piece... it was several thousands of dollars to be squabbled over... but I digress.)
Deliverables and Due Dates with Clarity
Measure of Success

So... for my short term goal, which requires reinforcers ( or it won't have much chance of success) , I am paying for the necessary tools to get it done... DOVE chocolate, those little ones with positive affirmations.

My plan for success includes me actually using my planner, actually carving out time to review my WHOLE Planner ( not just the work planner!) BuT my LIFE planner and carving out time for other things- for work life BALANCE.

I am not going to be avoidant as it is EASIER to just work as I am successful at that.

That is the root of all addiction
Avoidance of pain.
Workaholism is not much different than alcoholism. Just a different means of avoidance.

I am not going to be unavailable, therefore it is easier to just not schedule things, as it is anxiety producing to have to get ready to go and leave on time and MEET a person.

There as a lot unpacking in this one coaching session

This is my BUSINESS coach.

It was fucking remarkable how insightful this was.

I mean like better than ANY therapy session or any other life coach I have ever paid for, invested in.

My friend has a gift for sure! JUST REMARKABLE.
So, in other news.
I bought a cell phone. Last night at about 1AM actually.

I was annoyed I was so dumb to be up that late, compelled by an email from Google Fi of a BILL for the service I just turned on something like 2 or3 day ago which did not work. YET I have a bill for the amount for one whole month, with next billing date June 5th. WTF??

I was like... HELL NO... you are not sending me a bill for a month of service for three days... and to boot it doesn't WORK.

So I got on the help desk via IM , and entered the black hole of perseverance and persistence at things which are really just wasted time as they are not going to yield any great impact in this world OR make my life any easier....

I did not mention the hour on the help desk trying to get the phone to work,

In testing it texts did work. I actually had a blast texting my winery owner friend.. He asked me to give him a lift today to the hospital for some procedure. Mysteriously gives not details...
I have a new nickname for him

The Masculine Mystique.He somehow thinks if he is mysterious is must be oh so sexy.....LOL

IT is such a perfect knickname for him , with his misogonistic, homophonic and racist undertones that I am always challenging, He is my opposite, and who knows why the hell we attract to each other. I do like the sparring with him, It was fun to tell the group of ladies friend of his all about How to BE a Non Racist knowing he hangs on every word. His right had gal actually opened the topic with how we have to burn the awful racist joke book he has one day in a ceremonial book burning. It was a fascinating conversation as she said "He is not racist"
and spoke of his good heart and how he loves everyone but just likes to get attention and stir up ...etc... other BS... which was just the perfect lead in for me to offer insight in why yes he IS a racist person...
I was breaking it down...
It was helpful to have folks there other than him actually as i wanted to talk with him about the book I read but it made it all the more comfortable to have a group of folks to engage in that conversation.

Actually it was truly a blast hanging out that evening.
So last night as working on the phone and getting intermittent texts I was up WAY later than intended. I finally just gave up after backing up all the data on my phone and decided to just buy a new one.

$300 128 GB. Figure not bad, some Motorola model with $300 off the ostensible $599 price if I keep my Google Fi for 90 days ( Discount given up front but if cancel service too soon to not meet terms of the offer they bill the difference.)

Crap it is now 11:30 and I am again up too late!

I have a Dr. Appointment for initial nurse visit to then schedule a routine colonoscopy.
Since have anemia that is a good idea!
Just to rule out any issues that could contribute to the anemia as well as the routine recommendation at this age. My Dr, gave me the prescription back in Oct when I had a physical (right before losing my job and my healthcare insurance),

To bed... should have been asleep as today was tired and had lots to do. Today got the "busy work" easier stuff done ( one NDA reviewed and executed, drafted a 1099 agreement....sent out reps and certs I drafted last week that just needed time for formatting edits) as I had insomnia as well last night which is rare for me (that is the real reason I was checking email later... I think it was the frozen yogurt with chocolate chunks that actually kept me up. I think the caffeine in evening was a problem for me!)

So I need to be refreshed and ON POINT tomorrow. AS I checked off a few things today but did put off the one that needed MENTAL energy. I just was too tired after not enough sleep!

SHEESH... again annoyed did not get to bed earlier.

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